Escape Plan review

Arnie and Sly, on the big screen together at last (The Expendables franchise doesn’t count apparently). They’ve waited years, ignoring lucrative offers, for the perfect project. So why on earth did they think Escape Plan was it?! Breslin (Stallone) breaks out of prisons for a living and can’t resist a profitable job in the highest security prison in existence. The trouble is, when he’s inside, it seems as though someone really does want to get rid of him for good and the sadistic warden takes a particular interest in his well-being (read: making sure he’s beaten up as often as possible). He gets matey with another prisoner, Rottmayer (yes, really), played by a beardy Schwarzenegger and together they hatch a plan to escape.

Escape Plan trailer

Jurassic Park’sSam Neill (currently in the epic BBC Brummie thriller series, Peaky Blinders) plays a sheepish doctor to the inmates but you can’t tell if he’s ashamed because his actions are unethical or whether he’s really regretting taking this role… Vinnie Jones, leader of the Crazy Gang (ask your dad), doesn’t stray too far from type as a thuggish prison guard who’s also got it in for Breslin and his chums. It’s a ridiculous premise though and undermines the entire film; people pay money to have their enemies incarcerated forever. Except who would do this? Who? Even if you had extortionate amounts of money, you would pay a hit man a one-off fee and know that your nemesis would never bother you again, instead of paying what is essentially their upkeep, to keep them away from you.

There are plenty of fist fights to satisfy the hard-core action fans and a few shoot-outs too but it’s also a bit weird seeing two veiny old men getting in the types of fights that was done better in…well, in Fight Club. Or any other fist-based action movies. Rocky meets The Terminator isn’t as epic as it should be, although it’s almost worth a watch just to hear Arnie trot out the line, “You fight like a vegetarian!” Almost. There are far too many scenes with our heroes in isolation or in the canteen or just muttering their plans to each other. The filmmakers also try and add emotion with the idea that something has happened in Breslin’s past to his family. “I know what happened to your wife!” shouts the warden at one point. Well, good for you. Mind letting us in on the secret? No? Ok, I’ll live. I expect that masses of people will see this film just for the REALLY?! factor but if you're one of them, don’t expect to be blown away.