Do yourself a favour don't Google 'Human centipede 3' Tom Six has said the new film will make the second one look like a Disney film. Suddenly the prospect of 'Tranformers 4' doesn't seem so bad.

But lets face it CAN'T be any worse than the last one............can it?

Ha, Mark, but you've got it all wrong!

I, for one, hope that M. Bay keeps on making Transformer movies for 20 more years. Not that I will ever want to actually see them, but they are such a wonderful opportunity for one of your homeric rants. Very much worth it!

So ... you're not please then?

This is the greatest 'Transformers' film I have ever seen. :)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules. Explain.

And I was surprised to find the last one was the fourth highest grossing film of all time! The mind boggles.

The indestructable quiff strikes another blow in the defence of movie lovers everywhere!!! Hey that might work as a movie.... gary oldman stars as the indestructable quiff hmmmm

Greatest piece of terrible foley art ever.

I especially liked the 'Michael Bay accidentally blows up own head' headline at the bottom of the page; I expect a mini rant from the good Doctor on today's podcast!

Having spent a lot of time exploring American comedy on Netflix this week, I can comfortably say that this sketch is funnier than a lot of Saturday Night Live.

Are The Oscars still accepting submissions for Best Short Film? Gets my vote.

Though, the breaking news page could have included a "Hello to Jason Isaacs" gag

My 3 year old nephew will be so excited. He watches the first 3 on repeat. :/

Here's a question for Mark and everyone else here.



One of Marks biggest problems with transformers is the sexualisation of a kids toy franchise. But obviously it also carries the problem of Michael Bay being the director. Given that Transformers is a studio owned franchise I think its fairly safe to say that transformers 4 would have been produced regardless of Michael Bays involvement in the 4th film ( a la Bourne legacy).



So here's the question... to what extent would have it been possible to produce a good movie if a different director signed up for the 4th? Or is it completely impossible given the very premise of sexualising a kids toy is inherent in the franchise. Bonus points for who you think would have done the best job at turning something like this around.

No wonder you're upset, ..you're going to have to sit through it. It makes you appreciate what film critics have to go through for us. Thank you for your dedication Dr K.

When mark is smashing his head agains the keyboard his hair looked like Howard the Duck's when he was aroused.

Am I the only one thinking, "Ooh, nice looking kitchen. Knowing that there's going to be another Bey Transformers film actually does not tarnish my soul as much as my kitchen envy does"

I do fear that the good doctor may have peaked. How is he going to top this when he actually gets round to reviewing it? Then again, he clearly has an open mind. He may like it...

Where did the cup of coffee go?

Oh well, At least Iron Sky can save us all!



I was also hoping you'd smash the laptop so much that it would turn into some kind of transforming robot thing...

More **** news, Jason Solomon's film podcasts for The Guardian are soon to end...Pants!

Now, if the computer had morphed into some kind of humanoid like robot whilst you were smashing it with your head, in 3D, you would be a millionaire!

As it is, its just plane fun! :D

Already one of my favourite of your posts! Right there with the one made in the style of "The Artist" and the one were you teach how to make the Kermode Specials. By the way, have you manage to resolve the problem of the 30% colour loss? ahahahah

Have a good weekend, Doc, in spite of the bad news!

Don't Worry, Mark. Michael Bay won't be getting his filthy hands on one penny of my money, your comment about how if he wasn't so successful he'd be directing porn was enough to keep me away from his films forever...



That and let's not forget how much of a stinker Pearl Harbour was.

Seriously, is anybody here surprised?

Those movie make a lot of money without the makers having to make any effort at all. It's like a Perpetual motion to print money. I wouldn't stop using it either.

And hei, look at it that way: As long as Bay is abusing this franchise he won't do such horrible things to any other ideas.

A Christ...we all knew it was coming, they knew we knew, why do they have to stall it till 2014? Let's be done with it and have it behind us I say! Also, I don't want to wait that long for a Kermodian rant of the century...

You'd better be careful, Dr K. Keep banging your head like that and you'll end up so brain-damaged you'll start liking the Transformers movies.

Following on from post #16 - I think there's a good point here. The idea may be ludicrous, but so are many film plots. Ultimately, the quality of any film is down to the execution.



So perhaps a Transformers 4 directed by, for example, Paul Greengrass, or especially Christopher Nolan, might actually be an interesting, well crafted addition to the franchise.



After all look what Nolan did with the ailing Batman series.



Sadly, however, this is not to be. Mr Bay will once again add his unique values to the product.



Keep banging your heads everyone!

Oh dear.

Can you podcast these? it would be nice to watch them on my trips to Seoul.

Great video. Shame it wasn't in 3D.

As hokey and corny as the Transformers franchise is, it only really works if you stick close to the original Generation 1 plots and characterisation... because that's what made the toy line so beloved. That's why so many parents wrote in to complain that their kids were emotionally traumatised when half the original toy line including Optimus Prime... were killed of in the first act. In fact that was the only reason Prime was resurrected - before that they were just going to replace the character. It was the first time a toy character was resurrected. Anyway in my opinion they should reboot the whole thing & get Simon Furman to write a screenplay.

Mark, there's a continuity error or two in your video-blog that, should Michael Bay notice before you can correct them, could be used against you in your inevitable fight to the death.



***



Sunset. Orange glow. Slow motion. American flag fluttering in the warm breeze. On top of the tallest building in the skyline. It's collapsing. In slow motion. In 3D. Mildly sweaty, scanily clad, busty, attractive female no one knows frightened, onlooking, pouting like a wet fish. Bay pushes Kermode to the side of the building. Kermode wobbles (in 3D). Kermode throws a copy of 'Inception' at Bay but as it spirals through the air (in 3D), Bay shouts;



"THE COFFEE CUP DISAPPEARED AND THE LAPTOP MOVED CLOSER BETWEEN SHOTS!"



Thus deflecting the spinning DVD back towards Kermode, who gets hit by it and falls to his death.



But gets saved, mid-air and to his horror by Optimus Prime with Shia Labeouf inside his truck bit. The bum bit, I think.



***



I saved your life. In return, you must interview Nolan and Pfister.

Do you do your own stunts? I think I spotted a face double on some of those keyboard mashing shots.

That should read "SCANTILY CLAD" not 'scanily clad'.



Cheers



Dave

Dr K...could you tell me if I only have enough money for one of these three box sets which should i choose!



Bela Tarr, Melville or Truffart?



also love your show, could you review some classic films maybe? (from the 40s/50s) like maybe double indemnity, rear window or Tokyo story please!) love to hear your comments!

DR K, can't we have a Michael Bay assignment? ..worst Michael Bay moments perhaps?, ...or best Michael Bay unintentional howlers?, my choice for the latter would be Ewen Bremner in Pearl Harbour "It's the j, ..it's the j, ..it's the BOOMMM!"

" Am I the only one thinking, Ooh, nice looking kitchen "



I was thinking that those cheap cupboard door fronts are seriously letting down the otherwise charming period feel.

I knew what was coming, but it didn't stop me giggling in the lead-up and afterwards. Thank you Mark.



I must confess to being a fraud. I've not seen Two or Three. One was enough, and I will never repeat that hideous experience. Four is lost to me.

Mark,



Very poor show, you cant rubbish Michael Bay when you make such a whopping continuity error yourself.



What happened to the Mug?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00e7zJVQ21I



practice makes perfect!

Well Dr. K, it looks like your Kermode Uncut budget has just hit the roof!! Shame, that was such a good laptop as well. DARN YOU, MICHAEL BAAAAAYYYY!!!!



Ah, well, at least we have McGeeeeeeee's "This Means War" to keep us company. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Hmm; your laptop had a stunt double... Still good to see you're not trashing a usable one.



Might as well get all the bad news done in one post: Pirates of the Caribbean 5 is due in the summer of 2013 whilst Wrath of the Titans is due out later this year.

I'd love for this to reult in an epic Kermodian rant, but I fear that by the time this film is released Dr K will just be bored and tired, and I'll be surprised if he can work up the energy to say more than, "it's every bit as bad as I thought it was going to be. The end"

On the plus side, if Dr K is right, 3D will be dead by then so at least the visuals won't give anyone a headache, just the sound.

So I guess you're angry that they didn't pick you to direct?



Personally I'm quite excited; enjoyed the third one and the 3D was amazing. I admit it's like cotton candy; it tastes sweet and enjoyable while you're eating, but it has no nutritional value and when you're done it's only a glance of memory. But, sometimes I'm in the mood for some cotton candy and nothing more.

Just send me the ticket for it when it's released and I'll watch it for you, Mark. We don't have to tell anyone.

And the Oscar for the worst acting role in a short film goes to...







...the laptop! What a totally lame performance!

This is hilarious!! I particular love the other news items (blows up own head...I wish...). Then again, as another comment stressed, without these unspeakable cinematic droppings, we'd miss Dr Kermode's comical rants!! For just that reason alone, long may Bay continue....(and I can't believe I just wrote that...)

I thought you took the news rather well Mark, though ruining a perfectly good laptop was distressing.

As someone said above, I hope Bay keeps making these films...it will keep him occupied and away from any other movie projects and that is a good thing.

I have an issue with some of the new 'action' directors, those chpas like Bay that are making the action block busters of today. I caught JJ Abrams's Star Trek the other night and couldn't help but notice the amount of lense flare in ever single scene. Why on earth?!? To the unenlightened, pardon the pun, lense flare is when light floods the lense, causing that 'shaft of light' effect. There was a time when lense flare was cool, but then in the Phantom Menace, George Lucas added it digitally to the picture and now, every one uses it as a lazy shorthand, a quick step to making a picture look 'cool'. Have you noticed this at all Dr.? I find the aforementioned Star Trek film unwatchable because of it, every scene! Is it intentional, its it meant to be symbolic? Enlighten me!

Very disappointing. I wonder if they will change lead "actresses" again?

I get why Bay is making Transformers 4 (Bad Boys and The Rock aside he's a hack) is doing but what on earth is Spielberg thinking having anything to do with these films?

Is Dr K a mod? A rocker? A bit of a hippie? No, he's a Headbanger! (Sorry.)



I'm wondering, if Michael Bay is capable of maturing into a mature director of mature films...what on earth would they look like? I can imagine Tom Six growing into a director who wants to scare rather than disgust. I can imagine the 'Fred' commedian developing other characters.



But Michael Bay doesn't seem to *have* anything to develop.

And yet he digs the teenage girl-twaddle that is the Twilight saga. Go figure...

Transformers 4 um well it can't be as bad as "Silent Running".

The story of a gardener doesn’t know that plants need sunlight.

Once you know the release date, just plan a vacation so you don't have to see it!

No one will mind if you don't catch up with it later (like in the case of ROTPOTA).

Milking the public to make as much money as possible or a pitch for a sequel to "The Artist"?



;-)

While I really do not like the Transformers films (they are really, really bad), they have made combined box office revenue for the three films of over 2.5 billion dollars. It is easy to see why they would want to, and need to, make a fourth film.



Look at the Twilight series of films (which thankfully finish next year), they are terrible films but have made around 2.5 billion dollars combined over the four movies as well.



Look at the Underworld films. None of them are good films, but they made lots of money so more of them were made.



I could go on, but put simply, if a film or a series of films make money then there will be sequels. They may be awful films, but while thay make lots and lots of money for the film companies then more and more of them will be made.

....my...God....

I don't know about everyone else, but I thought the good doctor took that rather well. By the way, I've heard rumours that they're making Sex and the City 3...

Nice to see Dr K is going to go ino the film with an open mind.

I am all for Micheal Bay making more Transformers movies, for as long as he is busy with the Transformers franchise he's not making anything esle.



Could you inagime what whould happen if he took over the Dark Knight franchise from Chris Nolan, it would be Batman and Robin all over again but far worse and in 3D.

With acting like that, this could be a scene from Transformers 4: Robots Still Hitting Each Other...

After that, I had to put on the rest of that Beethoven, to get the banging out of my head. It's the beginning of the 6th "Pastoral" Symphony, the perfect antidote to CGI robots knocking seven bells out of each other ...

Dont fret, it cant be as bad as the last one.Think positive! remember the immortal words of YAZZ.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha is all that I have to say on the matter...

You know, Mark, I've heard that's exactly how Michael Bay writes his scripts.

Very funny! For a moment, when you opened to the laptop, I thought we were about to be treated by your take on that scene in Jaws when Roy Scheider zooms forward while the beach pans back. Or whatever it is. I've seen the documentaries but still it eludes me as to quite how they achieved that effect. I'm sure you know what I mean however. Keep up the good work!

I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore

the one quote that sums up my feelings with this puerile franchise

It might be good. Maybe he's grown a conscience since the last movie. Now, back to my copy of Optimist's Weekly.

This can only mean that the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse are coming soon.



If anyone wants me, I'll lying down in a darkened room with a paper bag over my head and rubber bungs in my ears!





P.S. 69 @ FiascoKid - The technique used on that scene (and one in Vertigo as well) is called zoom in, dolly back and speaking as a former film student, it's a b****r to get right!

"but what on earth is Spielberg thinking having anything to do with these films?"



Ans: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and more $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and more $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and more $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and more $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and more $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and more $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and more...



Mind you Spielberg is going to direct Robopocalypse. It could be very, very bad ~ or might fall into the Minority Report/6th Day/Children of Men/Blade Runner type of si fi.



"Transformers 4 um well it can't be as bad as "Silent Running"."

The worst part of Transformers 2 is the scene featuring John Turturro (a good actor, shamelessly selling his soul) and the Transformer dangling its [metal] balls... If you haven't seen it watch and weep.



Silent Running was eco hippie wish fulfilment (and novel ,for its time, for its special effects), but also had a certain charm and novelty value for its the time. (A little like John Carpenter's darkly comic, low-budget, si-fi debut 'Dark Star' ~ featuring if memory serves a sentient atomic bomb, unfortunately prone to random bouts of suicidal depression. [The football shaped alien that tickles people trapped in the elevator is also worth a giggle)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtPlqjPyyjQ

If you like Douglas Adams then try and catch it.)



Being positive ~ all the POTC/Transformers/Twilight movies produce cash for the studios so they can also finance smaller movies that might not otherwise get green lighted. Silver linings and all that. (And given how much money the cash earners have all taken who here has not seem at least one of them, on TV at least?)

perhaps a bit part in the upcoming movie may alleviate some of the pain..?

I have that laptop. It's quite expensive, bro.

I'm deeply concerned: What happened to the mug???



[Steg-off-ill-ist]

Good morning Mr. Kermode. I know its terrible news,

But there are two, yes TWO, reasons why maybe this isn't a sign for the forthcoming cinematic apocalypse.



1) How else are we, the cinema goers, differentiate between the brilliant movies from the downright awful ones?

2) Your highly anticipated assumed Kermodian Rant (Your rants have now been bestowed with a Capital letter, we thank you).



So yeah, I accept with grinding teeth and bleeding gums the Michael Bay movies so if anyone calls them anything above average I can hold up Christopher Nolen and say, ‘SEE!’

I msut say, with the violence and classical music, this all reminded me of a clcokwork orange

Thou shouldst be careful for fear of coup-contrecoup injury. The possibility that the stalagmite like bone hanging down to the rear of the brain could cause blindness is ever present with such powerful, repeat blows. Direct injury to the pre-frontal grey is also unpleasant. Allusions here to the clockwork orange are most apposite, since frontal damage can cause perseveration, aggression, violence, hypersexuality... ...many behaviours that cause the private individual to confront society, and lose.

poor laptop, I expect an apology on next week's show.



on the plus side, if he's making Transformers 4, which you know will be utter rubbish, then at least it means he won't be making something else for a while, something different that could get your hopes up?



I can summarise Mark's review of the 4th: "it's bad, but compared to the last one, just like POTC, it's not that bad, and as a result I can't slag it off to high heaven and hate it".

To quote Mr Vincent Jones..."You can never underestimate the predictability of stupidity."

I can't believe all these pedants complaining about the coffee mug. I mean, did they miss the obvious laptop switch? They don't even have the same stickers on them.

Very funny though.

Hollywood makes these big budget movies that rake in the box-office that allows them to take the financial risk and make films like Inception for guys like you Dr. K.



Although you have to watch it cos it's your job lol!

#83



I believe the good doctor has pointed this out before: imagine how much MORE money the studios would make, in addition to expanding their audience, if they tried producing intelligent blockbusters like Inception instead of hyperactive nonsense like Transformers.



Oh, the possibilities....

It's just a movie... you dont like it... dont watch it! NO-ONE is forcing ANYONE here to watch anything anyone makes! I havent seen Human Centipede 2 and I will NEVER watch it. Why? Because I have a choice and I KNOW that I will find it repulsive. I like the Transformers franchise. I have done since I was a child. So I want to watch these films as do MILLIONS of people judging by the box office.



Who is ANYONE here to say that MB should not be allowed to make more films? Most of the comments here seem to be of the opinion that the Transformers films should not be made just because they dont want to see them (They being Kermodian thinking people of which I am HAPPY to say I am not (Im rarely in agreement with the Dr's opinions))



Ive got news for you Mark; MB does not know you exist. He is not making these films to annoy you so stop taking it so personally. (If you are that is) Different films are made and appeal to different people. It's just a movie for Gods sake... A piece of make believe that takes us out of our lives and into a different world for a short period of time.

Isn't this good news really? Would you rather Bay's "talents" were aimed at better material. What if he took on literary classics like We Have Always Lived in The Castle or followed Luc Besson into doing political biopics (Arthur Scargill -- Dark of the Mine). What if Michael Bay remade The Devils or.....





(stands well back)





... The Exorcist!



[apologies to Mark's family if his head has now exploded,

send me the cleaning bill]



Transformers -- keeping great works of art safe from Michael Bay.

Don’t blame Michael Bay, blame the morons that pay to see it, if a movie makes a billions dollars wouldn't you make a sequel, if you give a monkey a gun and the monkey shoots somebody, you don’t blame the monkey? Bay hasn't always been such a bad director, Bad Boys and especially The Rock and even bits of Aramageddon are good, the reason his films are getting worse is because he has too much control in those early films he was under the studios thumb, giving him too much control leads to him tampering with the screen play and brining elements of his own sick mind.



Also why doesn't Steven Spielberg, who produced the last three films get any of the blame, from what I read he talked Bay into making another one, he also talked Michael Crichton into writing a sequel to Jurassic Park, Dr K goes on about Lucas' money grabbing, what about Spielberg, his just as bad, he should share the blame with Bay.



By the why did any body notice that in the first film the robots destroyed an entire city and some how it was all covered up by the government by the second film and then half an hour into the sequel the robots reveal themselves to the world, something’s really make you wonder.

Is this what Mark Kermode gets up when he has time off from work?

The Transformer films are some of the worst films of recent years and it is painful news indeed that another director will not be taking on the franchise.

Brett Ratner, McG, Lars Von Trier, Quentin Tarantino on a bad day and Alan Smithee could not make something as hatefull as Revenge Of The Fallen.



This news is even more painful for first generation Transformers fans who have witnessed their treasured 80's cartoon being adapted so poorley yet still show on opening weekends in the hope that Michael Bay will have some sort of body-swap adventure in the tradition of Vice Versa, where he swaps with a better director and does right by us. Dream on!

I know that the good doctor was too busy being punched for slagging off Blue Velvet to have appreciated the original Transformers cartoon but I have recently revisited the series and found some of the writing to be quite interestingly subversive. Not what you would expect from a silly cartoon designed to sell toys.

There is an episode from the second season called 'War Dawn' which was written as a response to fascist garbage such as Rambo and another weird one called 'The Girl Who Loved Powerglide' where a young woman becomes strangley infatuated by one of Atobots.

To most people Michael Bay may just be making another horrendous movie but to Transformers fans he is really tarnishing the legacy of that great series.

The second best silent film you will see this year.

You actually hit your head this time. You must really be upset.

It's almost worth having another Transformers movie just for the Good Doctor's reaction.

It says on the internet. (must be true!) That Transformers 4 will be a re-boot!

Yet Michael Bay has been announced as the director. Bit odd since they (the money people!) didn't get Joel Shumacher to do Batman Begins or Sam Raimi to do Spiderman 4.

Maybe Michael Bay has just seen the brilliant 'The Descendants' and felt inspired by the subtle storytelling techniques of Alexander Payne and conviced Spielberg that he had a meaningful story to tell involiving giant robots.

It could be a very cerebral science fiction epic like Twelve Monkeys or Brainstorm yet with a great socio-politco subtext that would shower it with golden masks, palms and baldies. Probing the mental implications of being a robot in disguise and having little "Human Germ!" people riding around inside you. David Cronenberg will be so jealous!

Sadly Transformers 4 will be more generic character-less tin men smashing each other intercut with drooling cleavage shots of the latest dot brained starlet. Oh yeah and some crass stereotypes and lame jokes.

Hopefully the movie is a massive Heaven's Gate style bomb and takes down a studio with it. That would teach all those Hollywood hacks a valauble lesson and give the rest of the multiplex some elbow room for actual films.

All your video is missing is this sound effect: https://nooooooooooooooo.com/



Having not watched the first 3 Transformers films, I'm afraid I'm going to skip #4. :)

Poor continuity. Where was the coffee cup?

I was a fan of Transformers when I was a kid in the '80s, but I don't like Bay's Transformers movies, and I am proud to say I've only watched about twenty minutes of the first installment. Why? Well, maybe my memory is flawed, but I don't remember the old cartoon series having women being treated as sexual objects and desperate lowbrow attempts at humor that would make a longshoreman blush, not to mention the terrible editing.



Somehow I was, and still am, under the impression that shape-shifting robots would be enough to get your attention and keep you entertained. Apparently Michael Bay knows better.

"How's Annie? How's Annie? How's Annie?"

He's not happy.

I just watched David Cronenburg's Crash (1996) on Mark's recommendation (he gave it 5 out 5 stars) and i have to say it wasn't very good tbh. I understand that subtext is supertext with Cronenburg but to watch an hour and a half of people crashing into each other and then having sex isn't particularly interesting. I would like to ask Mark if this greatly differs from robots crashing into each other in the Transformers franchise (with the backdrop of saving the universe and human existence) and is Crash (1996) really that much more of a worthy exercise.

Liam -- genius. That gave me a smile. But it also begs the question, who, in Mark's opinion, should direct Transformers 4? That could depend on the full title...



Lynch: Transformers 4 - Optimus Prime Walk With Me

Herzog: Transformers 4 - Port of Call Cybertron

Park Chan-wook: Transformers 4 - I'm an Autobot, But That's OK

Mike Leigh: Transformers 4 - Secrets and Decepticons

David Cronenberg: Transformers 4 - Crash Redux

Tim Burton: Transformers 4 - Edward Scissorsbot

Penny Marshall: Transformers 4 - It's A Building, It's a Robot!

....