The UFO in my garden

Build a bird table in your garden, and beware! You may be creating a monster which takes on a life of its own.

That's what's happened to me. My bird table has been a tremendous success, attracting two competing families of robins, a handful of blue and great tits, some very tubby thrush babies and a hard-working momma blackbird whose baby has an ever-open mouth and a non-stop appetite.

This buzz of constant activity is an absolute delight. It's like watching a soap opera. For instance, I changed the brand of bird seed for a few days, and my robins disappeared! I was worried that next door's cat, the brooding Barnaby, had got 'em. But when I changed back to the original bird feed, my robins came back. Talk about cupboard love.

However, now my little garden haven is being overrun - by squirrels and the fattest, most stupid pigeons on the planet. A ten-second visit from them wipes the table clean and terrorises the sparrows.

So I've been working on various methods of pigeon-scaring. These include throwing ping pong balls, hurling frisbies or dashing towards the patio doors, yelling and waving arms in the air. It's exhausting.

But now I've come up with a far better, armchair solution.

My son's remote-controlled flying saucer. Well, he doesn't play with it much. So I've attached it to a bamboo stick and planted it next to the bird table. I can operate its screaming whirlishness by squeezing a trigger, whenever a pigeon (or squirrel) comes near. They're daft enough to come back for more, again and again. Yes, I know they're Nature's creatures too. But they're unwelcome visitors with absolutely no manners, so I don't feel too guilty.

Afraid I couldn't be in the studio today - so the programme was hosted by Debbie McGee, who writes:

I really enjoyed my morning presenting today's show, and was particularly interested in the bad hairdressing stories, and what you can do if you have an unfortunate experience with your stylist. And there was some great advice too on "equity release", and what to do if your teeth-whitening product is a disaster. I'm off to enjoy my own garden now, although I'm not sure I can compete with Anne's bird table!