How to deal with rejection like a pro

Didn't get the exam results you'd hoped? Or make it onto a school sports team? Does your crush just not feel the same?

Rejection is something everyone experiences at some point in their lives and yes, the the sting can hurt. But it doesn't mean it's the end, nor is it a reflection of your worth.

Clinical psychologist Dr Martha shares her expert knowledge about how our brains process rejection, what we can learn from it and how to reframe being rejected.

Martha explains how important it is not to hold back from doing things that might seem scary to avoid rejection, and why It’s so much better to learn how to handle it in a healthy way.

What is rejection (and why does it hurt so much?)

Rejection means to refuse to accept, use, or believe something or someone.

Martha says: "We are wired for connection and have a need to belong. Our brains process social rejection in the same way as they process physical pain. Rejection hurts because our bodies ache when we don’t feel accepted.

Try to reframe rejection as 'redirection'.– Dr Martha

"It is easy to think of rejection as an ending, but try to reframe it into a ‘redirection’ (even if it isn’t what you wanted). Rejection is not the end of the story. OK so maybe your crush doesn’t fancy you, but it doesn’t mean you won't find someone else who does. Yes you might not make it onto the sports team, but what you have to offer could be a great fit on a different one. And while you didn’t get the grades for your preferred college or university, but considering all your options now, can open up a whole range of possibilities about where and what you wish to do next.

"Living life is about going for the things that you want, and rejection is part of this process. Everyone gets rejected sometimes, and rather than avoid rejection by holding back from doing things that scare you, it’s better to learn how to cope with it so you don’t miss out on what you want and you can learn how to do better next time."

How do you handle rejection?

Here are Dr Martha's top tips on how to overcome rejection like a pro!

How to handle rejection like a pro

Here are Dr Martha's top tips on how to deal with rejection. She says it involves working on two things: How you feel and what you think.

1. Feel your feelings - "It’s OK to feel disappointed, hurt, or frustrated. Allow yourself to cry if you need to. Rather than think 'I shouldn’t feel this way', think about how normal it is to feel like you do given your situation. That might sound like: 'I feel so disappointed I didn’t get chosen for the school choir. All my friends got picked and I feel left out'. Some people find it useful to talk to a close friend or a loving adult, or you could try and write your thoughts and feelings down. Talking or writing can help put your feelings into words and this can help move through the painful emotions of rejection."

2. Notice your thought soundtrack - "Rejection is about timing, personal preference, or a particular situation (e.g. your crush already had a date for the prom). You can be amazing and still not be the right fit. Make sure you stick to the facts rather than use put downs. It’s better to say to yourself: 'My crush turned me down because they didn’t want to go with me”, than to say: 'My crush turned me down because I am unattractive'. The first is a fact, the second is a ‘put me down’ that can spiral into thoughts like, 'I will never get a date' or 'no one will ever like me'. Separate your feelings from the facts: You are allowed to be hurt and remember - it’s not personal."

3. Develop your compassionate voice - "Think of what you would say to a friend in the same situation. If they didn’t get the grades they hoped for, would you say: 'You are such a loser! You will never go to university'? Or would you say something like, 'you worked hard and that test was really hard. You didn’t get into your preferred university, but that doesn’t mean you cannot study your preferred subject. I believe in you'. You deserve to receive the same amount of love and compassion you give out to others - so make sure you tune your inner voice with self-kindness!"

4. Look for the lesson (without blame) - "Ask yourself what you could take away from this experience, but don’t turn it into a reason to beat yourself up. It’s healthy to think about where there might be room for improvement or if maybe you were aiming higher than you can reach. Ambition is a good thing, and sometimes you need to work on our skills, your interview technique, or practice something for longer to improve your chances of doing better next time. This doesn’t make you a failure, just a work in progress."

5. Keep showing up - "Put things into perspective by thinking about the times when you have got a 'yes', made the cut or succeeded in what you wanted. Tell yourself, 'I got rejected this time, but maybe next time I will get a ‘yes’. I can try again'. Remind yourself that a ‘no’ is only a moment in time, not a truth for life. Keep learning. Keep going. Every rejection is a side-step towards something new."

What can you learn from rejection?

Rejection can be a good thing and "help us grow", according Dr Martha. She tells us how rejection can provide you with new opportunities and help you to move forward.

• Rejection builds resilience - "Every time you experience rejection or disappointment, you build coping strategies to move through challenges. Over time, these little knocks can help you grow more confident in doing things that are hard. Confident people aren’t good at things from the get go… they keep at it and grow from their mistakes."

• You learn about yourself - "Rejection may help you get clarity about who you are and what you want. It might prompt you to ask: 'Is there anything I can learn from this moment?', or 'If I did this again, what would I do differently?' to learn for the future."

• You won’t be a good fit for everyone or everything. And that’s OK - "Rejection can be an opportunity to think about where your energy, interests, and skills are better matched."

• You are more than your achievements - "In a world that praises achievements, grades, trophies, and awards, it’s hard not to see rejection as a sign that ‘you are not good enough’. But your worth is not defined by what you do. You are worthy because of who you are."

"So remember rejection can nudge you in a direction that may be a better fit for your strengths, personality, talents, and the things that make you who you are. Your worth isn’t something you need to earn, just being you is enough."

If you need support

You should always tell someone about the things you’re worried about. You can tell a friend, parent, guardian, teacher, or another trusted adult. If you're struggling with your mental health, going to your GP can be a good place to start to find help. Your GP can let you know what support is available to you, suggest different types of treatment and offer regular check-ups to see how you’re doing.

If you’re in need of in-the-moment support you can contact Childline, where you can speak to a counsellor. Their lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

There are more links to helpful organisations on the BBC Bitesize Action Line page for young people.