SYLO: What Not To Do During Freshers’ Week

In the weeks before I started uni, seven long years ago, there was only one thing on my mind. No, not starting my degree or anything (don’t be ridiculous). I just couldn’t wait for Freshers’ Week.

Ahhhhh Freshers’ Week, the first, horrifying step on your road to academia. A week of non-stop partying, free pizza giveaways, and awkwardly misremembering everyone-you-happen-to-interact-with’s name every time you see them. It’s a week to let loose and get used to no parental supervision, before realising you’ve spent all your money for the term and remembering you’re meant to be there to learn. It really is the best.

But, take it from those of us who’ve ‘been there done that’: it’s also a week of pure, unadulterated danger. Around every corner, at the bottom of every Jager shot and at the end of every regrettable one-night stand’s bed, there are real consequences that could ruin your uni life before you even get started. Take it from me - I lived in the same halls as my high school sweetheart (not recommended).

So I took to Twitter to ask everyone I know what words of advice they wish they’d heard before setting up on campus. Believe me, you need to heed every word.

Here’s what not to do during Freshers’ Week (no real names used to protect dignities).

Don’t Do Anything On A Rebound - Molly

“There was a 'James Bond party' on the Friday night of Freshers’ Week and I was in the midst of terrible break up with my high school BF at home. So obviously I got horribly, horrifically drunk.

"I ended up having sex with one of my course mates, a mature student, and it was completely and utterly terrible. It finished (unsatisfyingly). Just as I’m thinking of what to say, ‘Geoff’ turns to me and says, ‘That was my first time.’ I panicked, and had no idea how to respond. So obviously I asked him if he wanted a Kit Kat.

"I had to run to the kitchen because I couldn’t stop laughing. In the end we went out for the entire first term out of awkwardness… Never do anything out of awkwardness, kids.”

Don’t Forget To Change Your Sheets - Jemal

“I was still waiting for my nice, professional adult bedding to be dry, so had these epic Spider-Man sheets on as a placeholder. We ended up going out that night before the new sheets were ready, but it’s okay, I thought, you’re not gonna pull tonight.

"Obviously, I did. Luckily, he ignored them. Was super worried he was gonna want to re-enact the movie kiss.”

Don’t Do ANYTHING For A-Level Love - Josh

“So I had a girlfriend for my final year before school. We were mad for each other, in the way every single school couple is (we had the kids’ names picked out and everything), and decided to go to the same university. Okay, fine. But we also chose the same halls.

"Freshers’ Week was an absolute nightmare. Obviously, the best thing about uni is meeting new people and working out who you really are, but it’s pretty terrible with a pre-Freshers’ partner. Both of us were getting hit on, realising that the relationship wouldn’t flourish in this new environment, and out of stubbornness (and fear) we stayed together.

"In the end, she wound up banging one of my flatmates and we broke up in pretty spectacular fashion, on top of having a thoroughly mediocre Freshers’ Week. The moral of the story? DON’T DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE.”

Don’t Ride A Giant Man - Amy

“Do NOT accept piggyback rides from tall men after too many shots of apple sourz. Because they will fall over and you will plough shoulder-first into the road, breaking off the tip of your collarbone.

"Your newfound friends will then think that you've dislocated your shoulder and try and pop it back into place, pushing the bone fragment further into your body, resulting in two rounds of surgery and being unable to drink for the first term because of all the painkillers.

"Oh, and the guy completely blanked me for the rest of uni.”

Don’t Get Carried Away Making New Friends - Emilio

“Don't invite random people back to your halls from the street. It will not go down well with your new housemates when "37-year-old Paul from EY" has thrown that avocado you were saving at the wall and sprayed mayo on the roof.”

Don’t Forget Your Keys - Lauren

“My first night at uni was an absolute disaster. We went to a pirate-themed student party (original, I know) and had a really amazing time. What wasn’t great was getting back and realising I’d locked my keys in my room.

"So there I am, a drunk, sad, angry pirate locked out in the corridor of my new halls. I was so lucky I got on with my new flatmates - they lent me some comfy shoes and money to get to the accommodation office the next day.

"I’ll never forget the look on their faces when they had to grab a spare set of keys for a hungover pirate.”

Don’t Forget Where You Live - Daniel

“We all went out to a fancy dress party and one of our lads (we'll call him Bob) decided to go out as Batman. Bob hadn't really had a lot of experience with cities (or alcohol) so obviously he got smashed.

"This time, he got kicked out the club, and instead of waiting for us outside (or calling a cab), he decided to walk home alone. When he got back, he realised he'd lost his keys. Big problem. But he tried the back gate. Unlocked! So was the back door. So he went in and crashed out on the sofa… only problem was, it wasn’t his sofa. It was the neighbours, and he was in the wrong house. They never found out, but the look on his face when he got home, hungover and terrified, was incredible.”

So there you have it: seven stellar pieces of advice, guaranteed to help you have a good time (or at least avoid an abysmal one).

Happy Freshers’ Week, kids.

Illustrations by Matt King