This week we bring you dogs, snogs and hogs, and of course our regular pun-writing competition. But first...

Q: What does celeb interviewer Martin Bashir think of Michael Jackson?

A: "Broken, childish and self-obsessed" [Bashir to camera in his damning doco]. "It almost makes me weep when I see you with your kids because your interaction is so natural, so loving and so caring" [Bashir to Jackson, on the singer's own vid of the interview].

"Any one want to see my wedding snaps?

In honour of Valentine's Day, we bring you a special luuurve-themed Planet Tabloid. So how could we not showcase the loved-up star couple, Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas?

The pair want Hello! to stump up �500,000 to compensate for their hurt at seeing sneaky snaps snatched at their wedding reception. They were only �500,000 worth of upset? That's not much for them - barely a shrug - for such a fabulously wealthy couple.

And here is the celeb smooch forecast, issued at 1300 GMT today, Friday, 14 February.

Zoe 'n' Norm: frost thawing; Robbie 'n' Rachel: birthday peck (only) pending; Sadie and Jude: a cold front has stalled over Splitsville; Britney 'n' Colin: humidity easing. And that is the end of the celebrity smooch forecast.

Regular readers entranced by the tale of the Aussie Madonna - Virgin Mary of the Picket Fence or a trick of the Sydney sunlight? - will be disappointed to learn that vandals have since smashed up the very stretch of fence where she appears. Where's the love in that?

No room

Jeepers creepers, Johnny!

No room this week to bring you news that the Tories are so short of likely candidates that they've taken out wanted ads for people to stand as MPs.

And there's no space whatsoever to tell you how chubby comedian Johnny Vegas beat George Clooney in survey to find the man with the sexiest eyes.

Neither is there room to tell you about the council employees taken to court in Devon for allegedly calling their colleagues "plonkers".

But there's always room for Punorama, the punning contest for amateurs who admire the headline writers' art.

Last week we invited you to pun away for the story about the 21-year-old heir to a �70m fortune caught dodging a �1 rail fare.

"Heir today, gone to more owe" quipped Carol Anderson, while regular contributor Melbourne Mark chimed in with "Rich kid hid quid". James Coleman joined the fun with "un-fare heir is millionaire", as did Ashley Blake with "Bad heir day".

Jonathan R slipped in a cheeky "(F)heir dodger" and we also liked Wil Mobberley's "Heirloon" and Steve Cattell's "Heir today - con tomorrow". Last but definitely not least was Chris Field with "Heir aberrant".

And now for next week's offering. Kindly craft a pun for the story of the farmer who spent two hours headfirst down a badger set, digging out two newborn lambs.

Your pun



Your name

The lifestyle gurus of Fleet Street have pulled out all the stops to instruct readers on how best to form and maintain intimate relationships and thus aid cupid.

Many papers reported that turning your head to the right was the best way to kiss - at least according to German psychologist Onur Gunturkun.

Old romantic Mr Gunturkun watched couples smooching in airports and railway stations - marking them on lip contact, face-to-face positioning and side preference induced by hand-held objects. Ahhh.

"Actually, I see us more as best friends"

The Daily Mail says if you want a marriage to match John and Mary Mills (60+ years), rather than Zsa Zsa Gabor and Felipe de Alba (nine days) - then wed "a like-minded partner". Genius.

The Daily Telegraph promotes the less obvious maxim - if you want to meet a mate, get a mutt.

Having dogs increases you chance of getting chatted up by "1,000%". Woof, woof.

(Disclaimer: for those who've read this far, there were no hog stories as promised above. Apologies.)