While you painfully digest what 2003 has in store for you, we pull in some bloke bloke called Cryptic Dave to tell us what's going down this year for pop's good, bad and ugly.

MADONNA
After living in good ol' London, England for over a year, you're now fully qualified to release your musical critique 'American Life'. Meanwhile you make up for last year's film disappointment Swept Away with a spin off movie about your character in the latest Bond film, Madame Whatshername. The new film sees Madame W airdropped into an oppressive leather basque sweatshop in Lowerstoft, and Whatshername must cut through hordes of enraged workers, canvas screens, oak desks and solid steel walls armed with nothing more than her trusty fencing foil. Vinnie Jones will be excellent as Madame's one-eyed, one-handed, one-headed arch nemesis, Duckfeld, earning himself an Oscar for his efforts. Meanwhile, your new album will herald the acceptance of the 21st Century addage - Necessity is the mother of (re)invention.

DONNY OSMOND
You never saw this coming! In the first part of this year you'll get a call from a TV producer asking you to consider a starring role in a new action series involving a talking car and its womanising but do-gooding driver. Although you vaguely recall having seen something similar years before, they tell you it's a whole new angle because the car's voice is female. After a freak accident involving a hotel mini-bar and a nasal hair trimmer, the actor first considered for the role has dropped out, leaving you as the second but infinitely better choice (obviously). The role will launch you headlong into TV acting stardom, but remember two things. Firstly, you must make sure you never let any of your family cameo on the show as a wayward travelling Morman minister (the ratings will go through the floor). Secondly, never accept any gifts from a Mr D. Hasslehof.

ELTON JOHN
After succumbing to the threats of boy-men members of Blue, allowing them to pass your homework off as their own, (and getting a No 1 hit in the process) you'll have queues of people hammering at your door begging to collaborate. Whatever you do, DO NOT accept an offer from S Club Juniors to duet on a techno-bhangra version of 'Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting'. It is also foreseen that you'll get the dance moves mixed up and accidentally punch Calvin in the face, raising cheers and jeers in equal measure. Chances are also high that should you indulge in this project, Bernie Taupin will go off in a huff, declaring that he doesn't need you. He will then pen the most lyrically beautiful and poignant song in musical history, but unfortunately it'll be backed by a speeded up remix of Whigfield's 'Saturday Night'. I wouldn't take any calls from the Cheeky Girls either.

TONY HADLEY
By some miracle, you will win your charity boxing match against BBC news mountain John Pinaar, fuelling your belief that you are unstoppable in the ring. So pleased are you by your success, that you arrange an all day celebrity boxing bout, but unfortunately, the only willing participants are Gareth Gates, Leo Sayer and Jimmy Krankie. Naturally, you kick their heads in. much to the abject disgust of the audience - which in turn puts paid to that guest role in Eastenders as the bloke who cleans the toilets at Walford tube station. It's not all bad though, your legal issues with Gary Kemp are miraculously solved when he agrees to settle out of court for £500. Take the money and run!

ADAM ANT
For some inexplicable reason, the proposed changed in Britain's replica handgun laws generates a strong urge in you to give up on society and head off into the Bavarian forests, dressed in your finest Prince Charming attire. Should you go, there is a high possibility you'll discover a group of socialist revolutionaries, who take you as their leader. Together you roam the countryside, soaking bourgois all-terrain ramblers with hi-tech water cannons, stealing their wellies and using them as homemade ale receptacles. Otherwise it'll be a fairly ordinary year, the orderlies will smile and be extra nice when you're compliant at medication time.

RICHARD FAIRBRASS
Erm... Richard, I'd stay in bed all year if I were you.