By Dr Lyndsey Hookway
How many naps should my baby have? What time should my toddler go to bed? Is this a sleep regression? Should I wake them from their nap? Do we need a better bedtime routine?
They sound like straightforward questions. But if you've ever typed one into a search engine, asked friends or scrolled through social media, you've almost certainly found yourself going down a rabbit hole of conflicting advice.
One person says your baby is sleeping too much during the day. Another says they're overtired. One recommends an earlier bedtime; someone else suggests a later one. And just when you think you've worked it out, your child changes again.
So why is getting a simple answer about children's sleep so difficult?
Sleep isn't a simple recipe
Part of the problem is that we sometimes talk about sleep as though there is a correct formula: the right number of naps, the right bedtime, the right length of time awake between sleeps.
Follow the steps and out comes a child who just… sleeps. Right? Well, no.
Sleep is a biological process, and there is considerable variation between children. Not just between child A and child B, but between what your child needed last week versus today.
Recommendations about sleep duration are useful for understanding what children broadly need, but they describe ranges rather than precise requirements.
Sleep also doesn't happen in isolation. Temperament, development, health, feeding, activity, sensory sensitivity, environment and family circumstances can all influence it.
Some children thrive on predictability, while others are much more flexible. Some fall asleep almost anywhere; others need more help winding down.
These needs can sometimes feel at odds with our own. If you're someone who thrives on routine, and your baby really doesn't, this can feel particularly jarring.
All of this means that the answer, frustrating as it is, to many sleep questions is: 'it depends'.
Why doesn't my child's routine look like everyone else's?
Routines can be helpful. Predictable bedtime cues help children understand what is happening next.
But a routine isn't the same as a schedule.
As adults, we all have different sleep needs and bedtime patterns. It shouldn't really come as a surprise that babies are the same, yet social media and societal expectations have done a good job of persuading parents that all babies 'should' be having a two-hour nap at midday and sleeping 7–7 at night.
The truth is there is no universally correct bedtime or nap rhythm.
One factor affecting naps is 'sleep pressure', which builds during the time we spend awake. Some children seem ready to sleep after relatively short periods awake, while others comfortably manage much longer stretches.
That's one reason two children of the same age can have very different nap patterns.
Looking at your child as an individual, including their mood, behaviour, and overall sleep, is often more useful than focusing on a generic, age-based sleep chart.
What about sleep regressions?
'Sleep regression' is another term parents encounter frequently, usually attached to a particular age.
There are certainly periods when sleep becomes more disrupted.
Babies and young children are developing rapidly, and new skills, separation anxiety, illness and changing nap needs can all affect sleep. The difficulty comes when we expect those changes to occur according to a predictable calendar.
Labelling disrupted sleep a 'regression' can make parents fearful of certain ages, while sometimes obscuring a perfectly logical explanation.
The inconvenient truth is that it's normal for young children to need us around the clock, not just during daylight hours. At times of greater change or development, they may need us more.
So if sleep has suddenly hit the skids, ask yourself: 'What is my child learning or going through right now?' Do they need a review of their naps or bedtime? Are their current activities well matched to their developmental stage?
What about sleep training?
'Sleep training' means different things to different people.
Approaches range from gradual changes with a parent present to methods involving periods of crying without parental intervention. It's important to find an approach that fits your parenting values, your child's temperament and your family's circumstances.
Before choosing one, take a step back and ask what problem you're trying to solve.
Is bedtime taking two hours? Is your child waking frequently? Are you hoping they'll fall asleep differently? Or is their sleep within a broad range of normal, but your family is exhausted and the current arrangement has become unsustainable?
These situations may require very different conversations. There isn't one approach that applies to everybody.
Does sleep get simpler as children get older?
Not necessarily – but the challenges change.
During infancy, parents navigate feeding, naps, night waking and rapidly changing sleep patterns.
Toddlers bring growing independence, changing nap needs, separation, boundaries and increasingly strong opinions about bedtime.
By the preschool years, imagination and fears can enter the picture, alongside nursery or school schedules and further changes in sleep need.
The good news is that children generally become increasingly able to communicate what's bothering them.
The slightly less convenient news is that they can also become increasingly able to communicate that they absolutely do not want to go to bed!
So, whose advice should you follow?
When you get conflicting advice, distinguish between concrete safety guidance and questions where there is room for individual choice.
For everyday sleep questions, be cautious of anyone promising a precise schedule or universal solution.
Ask whether their advice is developmentally appropriate, fits what you know about your child and is realistic for your family.
Be wary, too, of sleep, feeding or health advice from people without appropriate expertise.
Sleep recommendations and averages can provide a useful sense check, but they're not prescriptions for an individual child.
Children aren't machines, and sleep isn't something we can optimise by entering exactly the right settings.
Sometimes the most honest answer to a sleep question isn't 'do this'. It's 'it depends – and here are the things it depends on'.
And don't forget, speak to your health visitor or GP if you feel like you need more advice!
Lyndsey has a PhD in public health, and has published several books about baby and toddler sleep.
