My name's Kirsty and I was 10 years old when I started to struggle with eating.
At the beginning of primary school I was very, quiet. I would focus on my school work, and I would speak to people if they spoke to me, but I would never actively go and try and start a conversation.
I think it was about year three or four, and that’s when I would act like I was really confident, when I really wasn’t… I was quite the opposite.
Nobody wants someone who is sitting there shy. That’s kind of how I thought of it…
I was concerned that other people were talking about me, I became very like self-critical.
When I was in the canteen at school… I don’t know I just felt like people would look at me, and just by what I was eating whether it was not healthy enough, or I shouldn’t be eating certain things. So I just found it easier to just stop eating at school.
It became my life. I was just numbers, losing weight, weighing myself, exercising. I would walk for hours around school, missing lessons, and I became so trapped that I didn’t care what people thought about me anymore, I just knew that that’s what I had to do. I had to lose the weight.
People did notice. But they were almost too afraid to say. And those that did couldn’t do anything.
I completely became isolated. I’d rather spend time on my own and anyone else got in the way of anorexia.
I suppose every time I looked in the mirror anorexia would just cover up the truth, almost creating an image that wasn’t there.
Anorexia was my twin. Until I didn’t know whether it was me or anorexia. It gains control over you to a point you forget who you are.
At first you want to keep it happy. And the more you keep it happy the worse it gets. I just remember sitting there in bed at night just thinking, someone please help me, I need help.
I was… so distant from everyone. I felt so ill - I could feel my heartbeat, I was there, but I wasn’t. I would sit in the room for the whole lesson, and my head would be so loud - it would be like I couldn’t focus, I didn’t know what was going on. I became something else. I became a shadow of myself.
It was school that found out first, and they got in touch with my parents. I think that was probably the worst day of my life…
I saw an eating disorder nurse. She was really lovely, she helped a lot.
By the time I’d gotten into hospital I couldn’t walk. They’d asked to weigh me so I had to remove all my scarves, my coats, and that’s when she saw. And I just remember her bursting into tears. She just started weeping. It was horrible.
I was in the children's high dependency unit hooked up to heart monitors. I’d get my blood pressure taken every 5 - 10 minutes at the beginning. My heart rate was 38 beats per minute. I had hypothermia. I was freezing, and all you could hear was the bleeping of the machines.
When I left I was myself again.
I went from not being able to read a book at all to being able to engage in what people were doing.
I became more social.
I suppose it helped me quite a lot.
I suppose anorexia was still there, but just more in the distance. It wasn’t in control of me any more and I wasn’t afraid to do what I wanted.
People think that now I’ve come out of hospital and I look better, that I am better. When really it’s mental, not physical.
I don’t think you can do it by yourself.
I don’t think anyone can completely fight anorexia on your own.
Video summary
A powerful animated documentary relating the story of Kirsty, a girl who developed anorexia as a response to social anxiety and who became so thin she was hospitalised before seeking help.
Kirsty explains how shyness made her worry that people were talking about her and judging her, and led her to avoid eating in public. She explains how classmates were afraid to talk to her about her weight, and that they were helpless to change her eating habits even when they did say something.
This film will be particularly useful for teachers in discussing eating disorders, social anxiety and what to do if students notice their classmates are feeling unhappy or unwell.
This clip is from the series When I Worry About Things.
Teacher Notes
You could ask pupils what they think an eating disorder is, and how it could affect someone.
You could also ask pupils what they should do if they are feeling anxious or in need of help, and what to do if they suspect a classmate isn’t eating. Discuss how to develop a healthy eating plan.
This clip is relevant for teaching PSHE at KS2 and KS3 in England, Wales and Northern Ireland and 2nd Level in Scotland.
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