"And I didn't know why I felt so sad. The more people told me to pull myself together and get a grip the more useless I felt."
Elaine is 39 years old and lives in Newcastle-under-Lyme, with her husband and 3 children. Her hobbies include reading and drama. She has just completed a degree course at Staffordshire University in Drama and Theatre Arts and is currently looking for employment. My story is about my personal experience of postnatal depression. I wanted to tell my story to make others aware of what it is and that it can be treated. I hope my story gives hope to women who are suffering with postnatal depression. Inside Lives has been very interesting, educational, enjoyable and rewarding.
As I lie there in the hospital bed I felt overwhelming love on the one hand and fear on the other.
I loved this tiny little boy that I had given birth to hours earlier with such a passion that I was terrified of him. How could I care for him the way he deserved to be cared for? All the other mums seemed to know what to do. Being a mother seemed so natural to them. The first nappy I changed reduced me to tears of despair as my son hosed me and any thing in sight with wee whilst I battled with the black tar like substance which was just oozing out of him. Everything was covered in this black tar and wee including him, the cot, the bedding and me. Now whats this little chap up to? said the midwife behind me who had come to my rescue. I watched her clean up the mess and thought, "Why can't I do that? Even after I had left hospital, I still couldn't stop crying. I couldn't cope with anything. And I didn't know why I felt so sad. The more people told me to pull myself together and get a grip the more useless I felt. I was suffering from Post natal depression very real illness which requires treatment, and people are often afraid to ask for it. But mental illness can happen to anyone. I battled with it for 4 years before asking for help and as soon as I did, my recovery began. People might say I was "not myself" when I was suffering from depression, but I was myself. That was a part of my life when I was putting the sadness I felt first. We all have different sides to us and we all perform different roles throughout our daily lives. When I am at the theatre I am an actress. When I'm at home I'm a wife and mother.
When I'm with my friends I'm a friend. When I'm sad or happy, upset or angry, I am a human being. | 
