Australia rule football

We should have seen it coming.

First mistake - don't play an international game at Loserland. Don't play it at Upton Park.

There's a kind of pall of despair over that ground and that home dressing room must be the most miserable place on earth, given West Ham's form this season.

Two - don't play a bunch of players who couldn't give a monkey's about it because they're well established and they've got a big game Saturday.

Give them the week off - we don't want them there if they're just going to waste our time fannying about doing little poncey flicks and not defending properly at corners.

Harry Kewell and the gang beat England 2-1

It was much better in the second half with a bunch of hungry lads giving it a go, wearing an England shirt for the first time and appreciating it.

Number three - if we're playing Australia, TAKE IT BLOODY SERIOUSLY.

We can't beat them at anything. We invented football and cricket and all the other games.

Let's try and win at least one of them, and we might as well make it football because we're better than them really.

That's it. End of story.

I know for a fact that I'm going to get stacks of emails from arrogant, flag waving Aussies, going 'we can beat you at everything now'.

We've only got rowing left, or tedious indoor games of a gentle nature.

Roy 'not so' Keane

Obviously the new fella's come in and said 'do you fancy playing', and Roy's gone 'er... no'.

Actually, I think in his own mind he's thought to himself 'I don't like it, it's too much pressure for me'.

He's kingpin at Man U and he thinks 'that'll do for me'.

He thinks 'I won't have to mix with those other people who play for the Republic of Ireland, who aren't much cop and don't come up to my standards'.

I think he's being absolutely bloody arrogant myself.

Warne out

Well, I've had a lot stick to give to Warne over the years and it's basically because he's fantastic.

Any way we can get him out of the Australian bowling attack against us is brilliant.

I don't know if we will see him again. I hope so, because he's fantastic and it kind of belittles the World Cup a bit that he's not there.

Shane Warne is out of the World Cup

I hope he doesn't sit at home, moping and eating pies again.

He used to be a chubby lad and he's done well.

I used to think we'd have him for 10 years and then the weight would take over, the same way that my career was damaged.

I've indulged myself over the years unfortunately.

When I was 20 I was the fastest cover point in the whole of the Cleveland area.

I am the fattest slip now. I don't even have to touch the ball with my hands. It sticks there and I can pluck it out of my gut.

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