X-rayted

Oh dear! They've done an x-ray on the Ashes urn and it's too sick to fly!

It's got a hairline fracture which means, although we'd love to let you Convicts have the little egg-cup, it just isn't worth the risk sending it out there!

If only they'd have thought about summat similar for the entire England squad, eh?

It all sounds like a pretty feeble excuse to me, anyway. Didn't they use the same argument for General Pinochet?

Just bloody well give the Aussies the stupid cracked pot!

The Aussies will have to stick with their glass urn

Meanwhile, the ICC decides that going to Zimbabwe is a really good idea at this time.

We've had the usual rot about how sport and politics shouldn't mix.

And we've had Nasser insisting they're just a bunch of cricketers. (It's possible to argue you're not even that at the moment.)

But don't these people read the papers or watch the news?

Besides, they might lose.

No more Cottagers?

Now that Al Fayed has pulled out of the Craven Cottage redevelopment, Fulham will have to change their nickname.

It's a shame, because from what I saw of the fans they went out of their way to live up to the name.

It all begs the question, what are they going to turn the site into?

I can see a six-storey row of Craven Cottages, can't you? With security gates and CCTV... and somewhere in darkest Hertfordshire the foundation stones are going into the ground for the Al Fayed Stadium.

No-one is safe.

Gerrard's Cross

Roy Keane makes his return to the Premiership and Man U lose. O happy day.

Robbo reckons Gerrard is a barking pup

Then Steven Gerrard does his best to remind everyone what Roy is capable of. That tackle was like an unruly kid jumping into a puddle.

Pull yourself together, you mad pup.

It strikes me that England's best young players all have what the pundits call a 'flashpoint'.

A flashpoint means they are a bit barking.

I'm talking Smith, Bowyer, Gerrard, Ashley Cole, even St David - they could all do with what my son Darren calls 'herbal relaxation'.

I've no idea what he's on about. I'm just happy he shares his roll-ups with his old man.

Glenn-Finished

Glenn Roeder's post-match comments are sounding more and more pathetic.

And it appears his chin is vanishing too. Perhaps it's just that he's been sticking his neck out before every game predicting a victory here and a result there.

Bottom at Christmas means you drop by Easter.

Too good to go down? A claim my missus used to make too. I won't elaborate, ta.

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