Wayne's whirl - Rooney celebrates 'that' goal

(Incidentally, why isn't a light heavyweight called a heavy lightweight - or maybe that's a fat lad who can't hold his beer).

Any road, everyone's gone completely ga-ga over this lad who looks like the illegitimate son of Desperate Dan. And why not?

I doubt the Gooners will lose another game all season and that shot deserves to be the exception.

The Crocks Are Beginning to Show

Ouch! Ooh! Ow! Geroff!

Hear that? That's the sound of England's cricketers arriving in Australia.

I know Down Under's full of crocs but I don't see why we should be adding to them.

I can't remember when England last toured with so many people doubtful before they arrived.

So far the tour looks less like a bunch of eager, honed athletes ready for the fray and more like a rehabilitation trip for long-term hospital inmates.

Strapping lad - Vaughan is one of the walking wounded

Meanwhile, Warney is spinning it like a top and McGrath has hit 400 Test wickets.

He is a wonder to behold, but can some cricket journalist please come up with new words to describe Glenn other than 'metronomic' and 'beanpole'?!

The only thing I could muster was 'irritating, lanky Aussie git' - but then I didn't go to Cambridge like the whole of the TMS team, did I?

Mickey Mouse Tournament

Some fella called Bob Burns has just won the Disney Golf Classic, which I thought was an animation featuring Goofy and that Duck that looks like a Professor.

Tiger was playing in a Mickey Mouse tournament

I imagine there's more to the Disney Golf Classic than just dull American men hitting little white balls across artificially green areas of the New World.

No, I reckon clutches of rabbits, squirrels, chipmunks and all sorts of other country critters gather greenside as Tiger (hey come back you crazy animals! Not that sort of Tiger!) attempts to get a birdie.

Or maybe not.

Time for an Early Barthez

Surely refs will no longer be giving the Man U slaphead a week off before he has to face up to the next penalty kick?

I remember Grobbelaar's wobbly knees with great fondness but at least he was ready for the kick to be taken.

Of course the old pros are smiling and praising his gamesmanship, but fans all over the place are wanting to slap the crepe out of the French time-waster.

I trust there won't be a next time.

Fergie Knows FA

Interesting that Ferguson thinks the FA pick on Manchester United. He must be talking about a different FA.

Is Keane more of a victim than Haaland?

We always knew there was a bunker mentality at Old Trafford - and the idea that no-one liked them helped them bond as a team.

But if he thinks Keane and co are being victimised then he's in la-la land.

In fact if I were to come up with a top 10 of football's victims I think Alf Haaland might get into the top three, you silly, puce-faced man!