1955: Not much you can say about that, other than South Africa gave England a munching. Classic innings from De Villiers, huge total from South Africa in perfect batting conditions, and England were always under the pump. But let's face it, the whole thing was a bit of a farce, because we all knew the hosts were going to win it after they won the toss. It's like playing a game of professional tennis with one side of the court made of concrete and the other side made of blancmange. Well, a little bit... thanks, see you soon...

"Mike in Vancouver, in what way can my comments possibly be considered irrelevant? If the England management team adopted an accurately interpreted Confucian-based selection policy, with a greater willingness to bring through new players, but ensuring they are imbued with the appropriately self-reinforcing traditions of the best of English cricket (as personified by Colly), then we would be the best ODI team in the world. Perfectly straightforward, as Ben has clearly seen."
Paul in Lancs in the TMS inbox

41st over - WICKET - Anderson lbw b Parnell 1 (Eng 242)
Graeme Swann, who's not a bad number 11, is the last man out of the hutch, and he's off the mark with a couple. He keeps the strike with a slash to deep cover. Parnell beats Anderson outside off, before Jimmy is hit on the toe by a yorker and out lbw.

"Ketchup after??? But dear heavens, the whole aesthetic geist of the toasted sandwich is that of an all-in-one, all-in, all-or-nothing situation. It is 35 behind going into the last over of a 20/20 match. Adding ketchup after the toastage - as if it were some mere afterthought - is the way of the Philistine. Or, of course, the health-and-safety professional."
Blake Williams, Glasgow, in the TMS inbox

40th over - WICKET - Broad b Parnell 10 (Eng 236-9)
Classy shot from Broad, floating Parnell over the top and down to the long-off boundary. Broad should have been back in the hutch the next ball, but Botha's put down a steepler. Botha appears to believe he's taken the catch, despite the fact that millions of people around the world, and most probably billions tuning in around the universe, can see very clearly it bounced on the floor and into his hands. Broad's gone, cleaned up by Parnell...

39th over - WICKET - Bresnan c Smith b Morkel 7 (Eng 227-8)
Sorry about that, my computer just crashed, and while it was crashed, Bresnan was made to look a proper herbert by Morkel slower ball which he lobbed straight to Smith at mid-off.

"I keep mailing your sorry behind, but do I get a mention? Nooooooo!"
Bent, Denmark, in the TMS inbox

38th over - WICKET - Collingwood c Amla b Parnell 86 (Eng 223-7) Bresnan has a mow and picks up one to mid-wicket, before picking up one more, and down goes Collingwood, chipping Parnell straight to Amla at mid-on. Broad in next, and Parnell almost takes his big toe off first ball, but Broad manages to get some bat on it. England require 129 from 12 overs...

"Re Gina from Gloucestershire - if you are single, there is a passionate 33-year-old cricket nut in deepest MK who would love to meet you - alas I can't offer riches, fast cars or holiday villas in Spain, but I can recount most of England's Test matches for the last 10 years... or does that just make me an anorak?"
Chris, MK, in the TMS inbox

37th over - Prior c Smith b Morkel 16 (Eng 214-6)
Prior perishes, skying Morkel straight down Smith's gullet at mid-off. Bresnan is England's last hope now, although obviously Collingwood is still there on 86, but I can't see him doing the job on his own. Bresnan is off the mark with three down to third man off the outside edge. Not convincing, but it'll do.

36th over - 214-5 McLaren with a full-toss on leg and Collingwood misses out. Another full-toss and this time Collingwood pushes to mid-off for a couple. We appear to have a batting powerplay, as Collingwood latches onto a leg-side delivery and deposits McLaren over the square-leg fence for six. AND ANOTHER! High full-toss this time, and this time Collingwood comes over all Ben Kenobi afterwards, staring down the track and holding his bat aloft, like Kenobi after chopping that fella's arm off in Mos Eisley. Another four, this time courtesy of a clip off his legs, and England now need 10.07 an over.

35th over - 196-5 Morne Morkel back on and Prior misses out with a wild and windy woosh outside off... and again... Prior beaten by both pace and lift, although he does pick up a rare run with a tickle round the corner. Collingwood with a trademark nibble into the leg-side, there have been four runs in the last three overs, and here's drinks.

"Dear Mr. Dirs, Why do you publish such drivel from people like Mike Spare from Vancouver. He has clearly forgotten how deeply revered the humble toasted sandwich is. Ketchup after of course. Obviously."
Mike, not in Vancouver, in the TMS inbox

34th over - 193-5 Parnell back on, and the runs are drying up for England, who now need 162 from 99 balls... one run from the last two overs, this match is twitching on the side of the road like a recently mown down badger.

33rd over - 192-5 Duminy into his sixth over now... four dot balls, before Collingwood finally gets a sweep away for one. Just the one run from the over, they may as well shake on it and we can all get home in time for Embarrassing Old Bodies.

32nd over - 191-5 McLaren's back on and Collingwood greets him with a Rolex-timed cover-drive for four. Sweet shot that. He then exchanges singles with Prior. Apologies, England haven't been given a wicket back, I just forgot they lost a fifth one, but you'll have to manually refresh to make that appear on your screens.

31st over - 184-5 Funny old shot from Collingwood, shades of beach cricket there as he stands tall and yanks a shooter from Duminy down through long-leg for four. Malc (see below), sandwich toaster? SANDWICH TOASTER? Ketchup in before you toast, or after?

"Dear Mr. Dirs, Why do you publish such drivel from people like 'Paul in Lancs'? And tell Malc to stay in Joburg. Try to keep the comments relevant."
Mike Spare from Vancouver in the TMS inbox

30th over - 176-5 Cheeky shot from Prior, bagging four to third man with a reverse sweep. A few singles, before Prior backs away and carts Van der Merwe to deep cover for a couple...

29th over - 166-5 Prior moves to two with an ugly smear to mid-wicket, before Colly jabs into the off-side for one. Two more for Prior with a typical cut. England biggest ever defeat in ODI's came in 1994, when West Indies (313-6) beat the tourists (148) by 165 runs in St Vincent. England need 190 tonight to prevent this match surpassing that.

28th over - 161-5 A single for Collingwood into the off-side brings new man Prior into the firing line. Steyn is off the field with a strain, which explains why Botha took that catch to dismiss Morgan in the last over. Van der Merwe drags one down, and there's Collingwood's fifty courtesy of a blacksmith's heave over the mid-wicket fence. When the fat lady's singing, Collingwood will still be swinging...

"Watched the Proteas innings at a customer's office in Randberg (Gauteng); not only is their office bar better stocked than my local, they have a pool and barbeque area. My office in the UK doesn't even have a toasted sandwich maker."
Malc (from Hereford, in Johannesburg) in the TMS inbox

27th over - Morgan c Botha b Duminy 0 (Eng 150-5)
Two more for Collingwood with a shovel through the covers. Duminy thinks he's got Morgan lbw, but that was sliding down leg, but he has got his man next ball, Morgan coming down the pitch and chipping to Botha coming in from the long-off boundary. Looked like he checked his shot there, England look rubbered.

"I don't know about you, but the further we fall behind the run rate the more concerned I become at the growing misconception that neo-Confucian thinking around the 'dao', the ethical 'life route' based on an understanding of tradition, is necessarily a conservative philosophy; it is quite possible to view it as one which leads us towards a consistency of self-renewal."
Paul in Lancs in the TMS inbox

26th over - 147-4 Parnell into the attack, and that's not a great start, Collingwood coming down the pitch and deflecting the ball to the long-leg fence. Morgan is the new batsman, Collingwood picks up one with a short-arm pull.

25th over - WICKET - Pietersen b Duminy 45 (Eng 142-4)
Duminy varying his flight well now, and both Pietersen and then Collingwood are bamboozled attempting to give him the charge. A single apiece before Pietersen swings Duminy to long-leg for a couple. But Duminy's got his man, sending down an arm ball which Pietersen, looking to sweep, gloves onto his timbers.

24th over - 138-3 Calm down KP! That's what we like to see, Pietersen down on one knee and slog-sweeping for an almighty six. Muted applause, as you might expect. KP nicks the strike with a dab into the off-side.

23rd over - 129-3 Duminy into the attack with his right-arm dart-type things. He keeps it tight, just four singles from that over. Hello? Is anybody there? Anyone? No? We nearly made it, we nearly found the perfect combination, the road was right, we must have read the signs wrong, and now it's all gone...

22nd over - 125-3 Pietersen charges Van der Merwe but doesn't quite get it, and the ball falls just short of the man at long-on. Lots of bottom hand from KP, heaving into the covers for one, before England pick up five bonus wides as Van der Merwe drags one down leg. The required run-rate now 8.21.

21st over - 115-3 Poor stroke from Collingwood, wafting at a Steyn delivery outside off without moving his feet. Steyn scrambles the seam, gets one to cut away and Pietersen, attempting to drive on the up, is well beaten. Steyn pulls out a yorker, and Pietersen just manages to jam his bat down on it. Two for Pietersen from the final ball of the over with a clip through mid-wicket.

20th over - 112-3 More singles before Pietersen picks up a couple out to deep cover... Collingwood clips to mid-wicket to nick the strike, England require 243 from 30 overs.

"The Cricket Society sadly said good-bye to Charles Noakes who served as the Cricket Society Captain for 15 years. I am sure that there are many readers of TMS commentry who knew Charles but are not aware of his tragic and untimely death."
Paul Pennock, Epsom, in the TMS inbox

19th over - 106-3 Pietersen and Collingwood chugging along nicely at the moment, dealing in singles mainly. Bit nippy now in Cape Town, fleeces being pulled on in the crowd, as Pietersen picks up a couple with a tickle round the corner.

18th over - 100-3 Van der Merwe into the attack now, he's slow left-arm orthodox (and Boycott doesn't rate him, but then he probably thinks Amil Kumble was just "all right"). Colly with a skewed back-foot stroke down to third-man, and that's England's ton.

17th over - 94-3 Some rather disturbing news filtering in from the Australian jungle, I'm hearing a starving Joe Bugner has eaten Jimmy White. I'll keep you posted. Single apiece for Colly and KP before the former dispatches a short ball from Steyn to the square-leg boundary. Colly's in some slick nick, and there's four more with a chop through the covers. This pair digging in and getting something bubbling.

"Simon in Reading (see below) - comedy genius. If true however, fancy meeting up?!"
Gina in Gloucestershire in the TMS inbox

16th over - 83-3 KP and Collingwood exchange singles, before McLaren tempts Pietersen with a well-directed bumper, but after an initial sniff, the batsman pulls out of the shot. That's drinks...

15th over - 81-3 That's picture perfect Pietersen, a lavish cover-drive for four. Fine save by Van der Merwe at mid-off, KP thought he had four more there, but there are signs he's finding his timing. Having said that, he misses out on a short one... before standing tall and clattering another half-tracker to the mid-wicket fence. KP nicks the strike with a mis-timed off-drive.

14th over - 72-3 Pietersen advances and flips McLaren to mid-wicket, before Collingwood rocks back and slaps the bowler to the mid-wicket fence. McLaren - no great pace, but a nice line - beats Collingwood outside off.

13th over - 66-3 KP plays a horrible old waft outside off and is beaten on the inside by Morkel. Pietersen just needs to calm down a bit here, get his head down and think about playing some Hollywood shots once he's in. On the wireless, Boycott's telling the tale of the time Sir Ian Botham stripped him naked on a bus from Newcastle to Sydney and squirted shaving foam on his privates. Lovely stuff.

12th over - 65-3 Hiya! Thanks Sam, you've made a right mess of this. As I slide into my seat, Pietersen hurtles down the track to nick a quick single. The throw missed from mid-on, but he would have been in.

11th over - 63-3 KP leans into one from Morne Morkel and slaps the ball through point for his first boundary of the innings - but that's as good as it gets England from another accurate over. The seamer's pace is up around the 94mph mark now, very tasty. Ben Dirs will resume commentary duties - here's hoping he's brought with him the luck of the French. Au revoir mes amis.

tomgriff22 on 606: "Collapse time. We should patent the 'England collapse' and then sue any teams that use the method."

Geoffrey Boycott on TMS: "Get over it. Pietersen plays for England and has for a long time now."

10th over - 58-3 Plenty of work to do for England, then, and they won't be helped by Paul Collingwood wearing a shy at the stumps from Wayne Parnell on his ankle - that had to hurt. No runs for a spell, now, and the tourists need to pick it up.

9.3 overs - WICKET! Trott c Smith v Parnell 9, Eng 58-3
Oh what a pouch that is. Jonathan Trott gets a thick edge on a wide one and it flies at Graeme Smith at first slip, the South African skipper flinging himself to his left and hanging on impressively on the dive.

9th over - WICKET! Strauss c Boucher b Morkel 24, Eng 58-2
Oh dear, England needed that like Jordan needs more media exposure - Morne Morkel has looked on the money on his return to the side and he snags the precious wicket of Andrew Strauss when the England skipper chases a wide one and succeeds only in edging behind to Mark Boucher. Trott is joined by KP at the crease - cue quips of 'it's South Africa v South Africa'. How droll.

"I'm glad you raise geophysics. I've felt for some time that this area of study is only really for scientists who can't get to grips with the emerging sub-atomic theories. It's a bit like off-spinners, who only do that because they just can't do proper wrist spin."
Paul in Lancs via the TMS inbox

8th over - 55-1 Jonathan Trott is one of the form men in the squad at the moment and he takes no prisoners when Wayne Parnell drops short, punching the ball to the boundary rope. A good start from England, but is good good enough?

7th over - 48-1 Morne Morkel, whom I'm friends with on Facebook (oh yeah) comes into the attack, and it's a tidy little over, short of a length, tying Andrew Strauss up in knots. England can only grab a couple with a nudge to point... until Strauss launches himself into a wide half volley and carts the ball to the boundary rope at pace. Nice.

Duncan Fletcher on TMS: "I have been very impressed by Trott. Mentally he's really at home at this level. His body language makes you think he belongs here, but it will be different for him batting at his home ground."

5.3 overs - WICKET! Wright c McLaren b Parnell 24, Eng 41-1
Wayne Parnell is given another over despite having his bottom smacked by Andrew Strauss in that last over - and it pays dividends when an accurate short ball prompts Wright to top-edge one straight down Ryan McLaren's throat at deep square leg.

5th over - 41-0 Bosh! Luke Wright comes to the party, and he's brought with him a rather large bat. He flays one over cover for four before picking a Dale Steyn slower ball and sending it flying over long on for a maximum. There was not a second when that ball stopped being hit, I tell you. I wonder why James felt the need to point out that he's a Geophysicist below, by the way? It may work on the ladies, mate, but this head's not for turning girlfriend (clicks fingers either side of face).

"In that one move, Andy Flower has gone up significantly in my estimation. Luke Wright may fail but were we honestly going to chase 354 down without doing something special? At least we're giving it a go and like us, South Africa would definitely not have expected it either…"
James the Geophysicist via the TMS inbox

4th over - 28-0 Wayne Parnell has clearly not been watching his "Where not to bowl to Andrew Strauss" DVD, the England skipper plunking three boundaries in the exact same area - between point and cover - in the over and that's England off to a fair old rate first up. Talking of 'taches - I thought I'd grow one this month in aid of Movember, given that I need to shave approximately three times a day to maintain my youthful good looks anyway. Unfortunately I had to abandon the plan on account that it looked far too natural. I mean, you don't want people to think you actually 'suit' a tache do you? My dear ol' dad is testament to that.

3rd over - 15-0 No great swing or movement off the seam yet for South Africa, though that may change once the sun goes down. Accurate enough stuff from Steyn, though, the paceman yielding just a couple of singles.

2nd over - 13-0 Wayne Parnell to share the new ball for South Africa but his first ball is a wide half volley gift complete with ribbon bow and Luke Wright kerplunks it through the covers for his second boundary of the innings. A nudge, a wide and another nudge end the over. South Africa, by the way, have not lost at Newlands for six years. Crikey.

1st over - 6-0 Intent from England, then, who have promoted Luke Wright up the order in an attempt to get their innings off to a flier. That kind of free-thinking is usually about as alien in the England ranks as a nun at a rave. I like it. Andrew Strauss gets off the mark with a nurdle and Luke Wright gets going with a thick edge past the slip cordon for four.

1644: Andrew Strauss and, surprise surprise, Luke Wright are at the crease and will open, we're now moments away from England's effort at registering the second-highest successful run chase in international one-day cricket. Where's ya money?

1642: So, what have I missed? Apart from England being ruthlessly carted to all parts by a rampant Proteas batting line-up? A record-equalling (on this ground) 354-6 from the hosts, then, and a minor miracle needed by the tourists to stay ahead in this series. If you're a fan of photos by the way - and, let's be honest, in this day and age of Facebook fandom, who isn't? - have a goosey gander at our new live picture gallery at the top of this page. Funky.

1640: Hello folks. While Ben takes a stroll round BBC TV centre dragging on a tab or three, I'll be taking over this text commentary. If you give this page a cheeky refresh you'll see my name up in lights at the top, which will make my mum proud as punch. My first task, by the way, has been to crop a new picture for the cricket index of AB de Villiers wearing an expression that looks very much someone has just walked in on him in the shower. Enjoy.

"Who, in their right mind, would live in Reading after winning several million pounds?"
Brian Farrar, Newmarket, Canada

"Back when I was in my 20s I grew a sponsored comedy moustache in order to raise money to save the lives of countless starving orphans. My friends were really supportive but some people were quite rude about it. On a coach journey from Bristol to London I met this really lovely girl called Claire who was a Greenpeace activist. We exchanged phone numbers but I must have written hers down wrong as I ended up speaking to a dental surgeon. I was heartbroken and plunged into the darkest despair. Until the next weekend when I won several million pounds on the national lottery. I have lived a life of happiness and luxury ever since."
Simon, Reading, in the TMS inbox

Duncan Fletcher on TMS: "England's batting will hinge on Pietersen and Trott, especially Pietersen. He needs to start patiently because he's the kind of individual who needs to get the pace of the wicket first and then build momentum. He doesn't have to take the attack to the opposition straight away."

1612: What to say about that? Can't be too harsh on England's bowler's, they were pretty nasty conditions - blue skies, flat track, fast outfield, nothing in it for the spinner. De Villiers was simply magnificent, but we'll see just how magnificent when England have a bat. See you in a bit.

50th over - McLaren b Broad 0 (SA 354-6)
Back-to-back half-centuries for Alviro Petersen, the right-hander rolling back on his heels and swinging Broad over mid-wicket for four. Just 39 balls spent over that fifty, including five fours. And down goes new man Ryan McLaren, cleaned up by a Broad yorker first ball.

50th over - WICKET - Boucher c Wright b Broad 22 (SA 349-5)
Petersen gets lucky, top-edging a pull and the ball landing in no-man's land at mid-on. Short from Broad and Boucher, like a rat up a drainpipe, slams him to the deep mid-wicket boundary. But Boucher's toast next ball, scooping a full-toss to Luke Wright on the mid-wicket fence. Good catch, low down, facing the sun.

49th over - 344-4 Short from Bresnan and Petersen picks up two runs with a top-edged pull. But I tell you what, that was a pretty decent over at this stage of the innings, just that brace and four singles from it. Bresnan finishes with 0-61 from his 10 overs, but he bowled pretty well at the death to be fair.

"Just to complete the Rank gong trivia-fest, the real gong was played by James Blades, at the time the professor of percussion at the Royal College of Music, who stood about five foot nothing tall."
Dick Hobbs, not particularly disgusted of Tunbridge Wells, in the TMS inbox

48th over - 338-4 Wright, striving for the yorker, strays onto Boucher's pads and is whipped away for four. Boucher clears his left leg and clubs two more down the ground before the veteran wicketkeeper pulls out the Big Bertha from his quiver and launches Wright over long-on for the first maximum of the innings. And there are four more, Wright losing his line again and Petersen genuflecting and paddling him round the corner. Seventeen from that over...

"In my 20s, I was on a coach from Bristol to London. A chap - who I didn't like due to his unkempt moustache - kept chatting to me. So I made up a complete pack of lies about me being some Greenpeace activist, said my name was Claire, and gave him my number, which was actually the number of my dentist in Wimbledon."
Carole in Maidenhead in the TMS inbox

47th over - 321-4 Boucher the new man at the crease. Five singles from Bresnan's over, although the big man does test Boucher with a decent yorker first-up, before Petersen moves to 41 with a work off his pads and through mid-wicket for four.

Jonathan Agnew on TMS: "That wasn't a bang, bang, biff, biff innings from De Villiers. It was full of magnificent shots."

46th over - WICKET - De Villiers c Trott b Broad 121 (SA 312-4)
De Villiers pulling Broad's plonker, shifting first backwards, then forwards, before carting the Notts man over cover for four. This boy's got Fairy Liquid hands, and they're fast as well - he drops to one knee and flicks Broad over his shoulder for four more, like a man swatting a bothersome fly. But he's gone, De Villiers taking one liberty too many and skying to Trott in the covers. Tremendous innings, one of the finest you'll see. This will annoy you - De Villiers is also a dab hand at the guitar...

"Was this gentleman Gina in Gloucestershire met on the bus wearing a white t-shirt and denim jacket? Did he also split a piece or Wrigley's chewing gum and give Gina one half?"
Dave in Bermuda in the TMS inbox

45th over - 302-3 There's the South Africa 300, De Villiers coming down the track and inside edging for a few sketchy runs. In fact they were byes. That over also included a brace for Petersen into the covers.

44th over - 294-3 There's De Villiers' ton, the elegant right-hander whipping Anderson through deep mid-wicket for four. That's his fourth in ODIs, and he's not finished yet. First he backs away and thrashes Anderson through the covers for four more, before pulling the Lancashire paceman for another boundary. That ton only took 75 balls, and included just 10 fours. He's somehow managed to butcher the England attack while all the time looking like he's been doing nothing more barbaric than taking afternoon tea at Claridge's.

43rd over - 279-3 Huge slice of luck pie for De Villiers who attempts the old Dilshan, doesn't quite 'get' it, but the ball flies over wicketkeeper Prior anyway. De Villiers comes over all Caribbean again, falling to one knee and crackerjacking Broad to the mid-wicket fence, before he picks up two more with a tuck round the corner. FOUR MORE! Broad over a barrel here, and De Villiers has got the old paddle out - full-bunger, De Villiers walks across his stumps and clubs him over mid-wicket. Fifteen from the over, 350+ back on... Poor old Gina (see below). Who is this bloke, does he live in an American chick-flick or something? Who pulls women on public transport in Britain?

42nd over - 264-3 Wright strays onto Petersen's pads and is tucked away for a couple and Wright repeats his mistake and is tickled round the corner for four by De Villiers. Petersen uses his feet and cracks Wright to mid-off for one before Wright, looking tired now, loses his line again and is worked away for a brace by De Villiers.

41st over - 253-3 Shot of the day from De Villiers, tip-toeing through the tulips before unfurling an exquisite cover-drove off the bowling of Anderson for four. Shades of Sir Vivian, and I'd crawl over broken glass to be even on the same swatch chart as Sir Vivian. Should be a run out... but it's not. De Villiers with a daft run, taking on Collingwood at point, but old Eagle Eye Joe misses for once. A couple more singles, before De Villiers drills over cover for two more.

"Seven years ago, coach trip back from Plymouth after seeing my Grandmother. Feeling suitably proud of myself already for having made the trip to see her, and therefore generally happy with life, I was presenting a smiling face to all. This included the good looking guy who got on the coach at Tiverton and sat next to me. Long story short, I was hooked, he was caught and we went out for nine months after. Funnily enough (albeit not so at the time), he did the dirty on me with someone else that he met on the... Tube! That may of course have something to do with my dislike of that mode of transport."
Gina in Gloucestershire in the TMS inbox

40th over - 245-3 Reverse sweep from Petersen, you can tell a lot of these Saffers played a bit of hockey at school, and he gets two for the shot. Eight from that over, the rest in singles.

39th over - 237-3 Persistent, Hadlee-esque lbw appeal from Bresnan against Petersen, but that looked a little bit high to me, although the replay suggested it might have been hitting the top of leg. Petersen rubs salt into Bresnan's festering wound, whipping the Yorkshireman through mid-wicket for four.

"I was just about to reply and tell you that of course I know who Joe Bugner is - then I realised I'm 27. Sad times."
Matt, Nottingham, in the TMS inbox

38th over - 230-3 Petersen looks in decent nick, he knows where the gaps are. He drops and runs one to point. Wright with a good, sprawling stop off his own bowling to prevent De Villiers a run. De Villiers pats a single to long-on, he's somehow moved to 64 from just 55 balls without breaking into a trot. Short fro Wright and De Villiers rocks back and clubs him to wide long-on for a couple.

37th over - 224-3 Run out chance for England, with Petersen pinching a quick one to mid-wicket, but the throw was awry. One more single from De Villiers, just two from that Bresnan over.

"Claiming that Newton invented the flat hat is going start a whole new branch of study. Eventually someone will claim that they were invented in Germany a few years before. I can see endless Horizan programmes about this one."
Ian Coghlan, In a coffee shop in Cardiff, in the TMS inbox

36th over - 222-3 Petersen is the new man at the crease and he's off the mark with an absolute doozy of a cover-drive for four. Petersen pinches the strike with a single.

36th over - WICKET - Duminy c Morgan b Wright 6 (SA 217-3)
Duminy gone, Wright digging one in, the batsman pulling and Morgan snaffling the catch on the square-leg boundary. Good take that.

35th over - 216-2 De Villiers creams Bresnan into the covers for one before Duminy thinks about hooking before pulling out of the stroke. Two for Duminy courtesy of a nibble to leg, before Bresnan is called for a wide, although that looked a pretty good ball to me, forcing a false hook from Duminy. One keeps low, which isn't great news for England. Talking of long journeys, my older brother once got attacked on a train in Russia because he refused to drink vodka shots with a couple of soldiers. Some old granny had to hit them with her bag to stop them hitting him with their rifle butts. As you can imagine, we don't mention that much at family gatherings.

fabuniquemembername on 606: "The good news is that Kallis is not coming in next. The bad news is that South Africa probably won't need someone to come in next."

"I'm just completing the 29th hour at work fuelled on nothing but NHS coffee and hoping some decent cricket will carry me through to the 36 hour mark and home time. Thoughts of an 'all day breakfast' at some awful, turgid greasy spoon are currently becoming distressingly inviting. In the words of a popular noodle based snack food, 'its dirty but...'"
Dr T.V.Liew in the TMS inbox

34th over - 212-2 Duminy guides Broad down to third-man for one before De Villiers tucks him off his pads for a couple. De Villiers goes back again and clips Broad round the corner for a single. Drinks.

"My favourite road is a road between Carlisle and Newcastle."
David, BRFC, in the TMS inbox

33rd over - 207-2Stephen (see below), is her name Benedicta? That would make sense, not too bright in my family. A couple of singles from Bresnan's over, actually make that four singles. It's just a case of giving wickets away on this deck, England's bowlers would need a water cannon to get rid of these South African batsman otherwise.

"Forget the cricket for a while but my nephew recently started School at Langtons in Hornchurch. His teacher is a Mrs Dirs. Surely must be some kind of relation to you?"
Stephen Davenport, Hornchurch, in the TMS inbox

32nd over - 203-2 Duminy is the new batsman, and the left-hander is another combative customer, he won't be tossing his wicket away. He's off the mark with a guide to third-man for one.

32nd over - WICKET - Amla c Prior b Broad 86 (SA 201-2)
Broad's broken through - short one, Amla goes for the pull and only succeeds in feathering it to Prior behind the sticks. Good knock that.

31st over - 198-1 Bresnan drags one down and De Villiers works him off his hip for a nifty two. Two more for De Villiers with another clip into the leg-side and there's his 21st ODI fifty courtesy of a flick to mid-wicket. Just 39 balls to get there, South Africa smoking. Did it Gina? (see below) Do tell. The last time I was on a long coach trip was in Finland. I got terrible cramp in the arch of my foot and toppled into the lap of the girl sitting next to me. We didn't take it any further.

30th over - 191-1 354 was the highest score at Newlands, and that was against Kenya. There is a gallery at the top of this page, no idea what it looks like, but I'm told it's brilliant if you want to take a look. Five singles from Swann's over, he's getting nothing out of this pitch, he'd get more turn with a snooker ball and a roll of lino.

"Ben - I do find the Tube the most soulless of transportation modes. No-one ever talks or acknowledges each other. I find the train a much better place to have a 'You're Beautiful' moment on. Even better, long coach trips. I suggest you try them out - worked for me once."
Gina in Gloucestershire in the TMS inbox

29th over - 186-1 Bresnan back into the attack, and Amla spots his looping, slower delivery and slaps it over Wright at mid-off and away for four. Amla manoeuvring the ball beautifully here, and he picks up two more with a clip to mid-wicket for two.

28th over - 178-1 De Villiers with a peach of a stroke, sashaying down the wicket and driving straight past the bowler for a couple. Swanny being milked like a faithful old cow, five runs from that over.

27th over - 173-1 Trott, playing in his own backyard, is into the attack. Whoa there Trotty, don't go putting your back out son - his first two balls are military medium and short, and both are eased into the off-side for two. better length from Trott, but it's still easy for De Villiers, who drives down the ground for a single. Two more singles from Trott's over, not sure how many more overs he'll get, although he did impress at Centurion.

26th over - 165-1 Short from Swann and De Villiers gives it the long handle, marmalising the ball over mid-wicket for four. Five more singles, as my editor rolls over on his chair and asks if anyone knows who invented the flat cap?

"I was told by one of my students this week that Sir Isaac Newton invented the cat flap. How is one supposed to follow such wisdom and knowledge?"
Luke in Somerset in the TMS inbox

25th over - 156-1 Short from Wright and Amla gets up on tippy-toes and drags him round the corner for four. Four more next ball, Wright straying on leg and Amla helping the ball on its way. That's mussed up Wright's figures a bit, he's now 1-27 from four.

24th over - 146-1 Amla not quite there, beaten in the flight by Swann, and he very nearly plops one back to the bowler. Four singles from that over, before Amla knifes one through point for two.

Duncan Fletcher on TMS: "It's a critical time for England. They have started to bowl a little shoddily and the fielding is looking a bit lazy so Andrew Strauss needs to get a grip on things and get them to tighten things up."

23rd over - 139-1 Wright gets a handle on things, he's bowling well, and there are just three singles from his over. All getting a bit scrappy for England, Strauss needs to start cracking the whip. What are we looking at here? 320?

22nd over - 136-1 A couple of singles before De Villiers picks up a streaky two courtesy of a Chinese cut. Ooh, lip-smacking from De Villiers, I'd like to give that stroke fifty quid, send it Up West and tell it to buy itself something nice and tight - short and wide and AB hammers Anderson through extra-cover for four. Anna (see below), no, it won't suffice, the M6 between Birmingham and Manchester is an absolute minefield, and I don't even drive, whereas I know for a fact the A24 between Berlin and Hamburg has been recently tarmaced.

"'Like bowling on the A24 between Berlin and Hamburg'. Am I missing something? Is this some special piece of road I need to experience, or would the M6 between Birmingham and Manchester suffice?"
Anna, Manchester, in the TMS inbox

21st over - 127-1 Lovely stuff from De Villiers, opening the face and tickling Wright to third-man for one. Short from Wright and Amla drags him away for a single, before De Villiers arches his back like a boxer leaning back on the ropes and twirls the Sussex man through point for four. De Villiers looks so hot, you wouldn't even want to look at him, let alone touch him. In fact, I might even stop talking about him.

"The great Bombadier Billy Wells (Rank Gong Man) fought my Great Grandfather as an amateur boxer in the army before going on to be the first heavyweight to win the Lonsdale belt. Apparently, he punched as hard as he banged that gong…"
Jon, Somerset, in the TMS inbox

20th over - 118-1 Manful stuff from Wright, he's got some hustle and bustle about him, and he'll need all his hustle and bustle against new batsman AB de Villiers, he's on a hot streak. Collingwood over-pitches and De Villiers clocks him over mid-wicket for four, peachy stroke. Smart running from De Villiers, he's like a hungry whippet between the wickets, and that's a couple to mid-on. Too easy this for South Africa as Amla moves to his sixth ODI fifty with another poke to mid-on.

19th over - WICKET - Smith b Wright 54 (SA 107-1)
YES, GOT 'IM! Luke Wright it is with the breakthrough, Smith taking one liberty too many, charging down the track like an angry rhino and dragging on.

18th over - 104-0 Seven from Collingwood's over, South Africa ticking over very nicely, very nicely indeed, there's absolutely no way this England attack are budging this pair any time soon... Andy (see below), don't put yourself down, that is a magnificent fact, only bettered by the fact that all polar bears are left-handed.

"Useless fact about the Rank gong man (Billy Wells - also a boxer): the gong he was banging was not real (made of plaster, or something) and the noise dubbed on top was from a real gong that was only about a foot big."
Andy, Durban, in the TMS inbox

17th over - 100-0 Straight from Swann and Amla clips him off his pads for one, before Smith moves to his 41st ODI fifty with a tuck round the corner. Perfunctory raise of the bat, but like a torturer stepping away to whet his sword, he's not done yet. And there's the South Africa ton up courtesy of a squirt into the leg-side from Smith. Drinks, and make England's icy.

Geoffrey Boycott on TMS: "I can't see how they are going to get a wicket. It's a slightly unfair ground when you play a day-nighter here. Even if you bowl well and keep them down to 270 you are never quite sure what will happen in the evening when the lights are on. It's such a big advantage to bat first."

16th over - 96-0 Strangled lbw appeal from Collingwood against Smith, but Umpire Erasmus looks at the England bowler as if he's just suggested a game of cup and ball. Take that you swine! Smith clatters Collingwood down the ground for four, that's the hosts' first boundary for five overs. Three more singles, before South Africa pick up five leg-side wides - 13 from that over. Collingwood, by the way, is one away from his 100th ODI wicket...

15th over - 83-0 This is back-breaking for England's bowlers, it must be like bowling on the A24 between Berlin and Hamburg. False shot from Amla though, and there are just three from Swanny's over.

14th over - 80-0 Smith turns Colly off his pads for an easy single before Amla shovels down to fine-leg for a couple. Willowy batting from Amla, picking up a wristy two to extra-cover, before the right-hander picks up one more through point. Smith keeps the strike with a nurdle to backward square-leg, as Sir Geoffrey strolls into the TMS commentary box.

"If it is a 350+ wicket, then I fear it will only be for one team, though I have selected a rather tasty looking pork pie hat as a precaution."
Paul, Liverpool, in the TMS inbox

13th over - 73-0 South Africa dealing in singles against Swann, four from the England spinner's first four deliveries. Quicker delivery from Swann and Smith covers up, before the South Africa nicks the strike with a dab off his pads. Newlands filling up now as the Cape Town offices start kicking out.

12th over - 68-0 Paul Collingwood and his dibbly-dobblies into the attack. Mixing it up well is the Nugget, and there are just four from that over. That seems to be the key on this track, take the pace off it. JH (see below), as long as it makes me appear more intelligent than I actually am, you can propose what you ruddy well like.

"Speaking of Gauguin (see below), I just cut art history lectures short for a bit of one-day cricket. May I propose Camille Pissaro as a further candidate for artists specialising in terrific bowling conditions?"
JH, London, in the TMS inbox

11th over - 64-0 Graeme Swann into the attack, his mission, to stem the South African tide. Iffy shot from Amla and he's beaten by Swann outside off, and that's a good salvage job by the Notts man, just four from his first over.

"RE: Joe Bugner. Thing is Ben, us people under 25 don't need to know who he is, we can just use our phones to look him up on wiki, and hey presto, we know who he is... that's what I did for most of my university degree..."
Phil in the TMS inbox

10th over - 60-0 Any spreadbetters out there, I'd start looking at 400+ - four more for Amla, stroking Broad through the covers and past the despairing dive of Morgan. Short, but only marginally, from Broad and Smith, like that chap off the old Rank Films trailer with his giant gong, smashes him to the deep mid-wicket fence. Nasty, 10 more from that over, Betfair have got 400+ at 19-1...

"I've got a feeling England are going to get destroyed today. South Africa are gonna wrack up something big! 350 Plus!"
From TriggerBuchea on 606:

9th over - 50-0 Smith with good hands, gliding new bowler Bresnan down to third-man for one. Amla struck on the pad, but that was sliding down leg. Smith takes a big bite out of Bresnan, slamming a dirty great size 12 down the pitch and smashing him, one bounce, into the long-off fence. England getting their pants pulled down here, four more for Smith, straight down the ground, and that's the South Africa fifty.

8th over - 40-0 Bit of width from Broad, and the loose-limbed Amla twirls him to third-man for one. Broad struggling with his lines and he's flipped away by Smith for one more before Amla, feet staked to the crease, plays and misses outside off. Does anyone under the age of 25 reading this even know who Joe Bugner is? If not, that makes me really sad...

7th over - 38-0 Wide half-bunger from Anderson and Smith piles into that, clubbing the Lancashire man through the covers for four. Brutal, that was Bugner-esque. Two more for Smith, good save from Pietersen down on the long-leg boundary.

"The sandwich was the tastiest thing on the train this morning - your staring at me put me right off my sarnie."
Alex, Rush Green, Romford, in the TMS inbox

6th over - 32-0 Amla glides Broad to third-man for one, where KP fields and flings one in. "I am a little bit vain, but only because I want to realise my potential as a human being in every possible aspect." Not my words, the words of Kevin Pietersen. Oh, hang on a minute, apparently it was Sting. Big lbw shout from Broad against Smith, but that pitched outside leg, and Smith drags Broad round the corner for a single next ball. Decent enough over, just two from it.

5th over - 30-0 Single from Amla before Smith lumbers three off his pads. Scrappy fielding so far from England, no way that should have been three. Width from Anderson and Amla flashes extravagantly down to third-man for a couple.

"Hi Ben. Aggers is talking of refrigerated boxes. It would have to be a seriously hot day for me to don one of those." Will, Yorkshire, in the TMS inbox

4th over - 23-0 Amla clips Broad through mid-wicket for four - I think we're looking at a 350+ wicket here, even Alex lying in bed eating Crunchy Nut Cornflakes (see below) and listening to the game on the wireless can see that. Short outside off and that's four more for Amla, flashing the Notts man through point. Amla nicks the strike with a sharp single to mid-wicket, good start for the hosts.

3rd over - 14-0 Anderson short and Smith's onto it in a flash, hauling him through mid-wicket for four. Lots of emails in claiming this might be the best England batting line-up in memory. It certainly does have a solid look about it. Smith nudges off his pads for a couple, good running there and a wild throw in. Not much of a crowd in at Newlands, although it is a school day I suppose.

2nd over - 7-0 Stuart Broad straight back into the thick of it, and his first ball is punched off the back foot through point for four by Amla. It's one icy outfield at Newlands, there's runs out there at Newlands... two slips in for England, Strauss and Swann, which Duncan Fletcher thinks is one too many. Just the one boundary from Broad's over, it was a tight one. Mark (see below), I have James Blunt 'You're Beautiful' moments on the Tube all the time, although it's not always reciprocal: I once travelled all the way from Romford to White City only to look in the mirror in the lift at Television Centre and discover I had a dried bogey smeared across my face.

"Sounds like you had a James Blunt 'You're Beautiful' moment with this Tube girl. From my experience of the Underground, that's as rare as a positive ODI series from England, so that's a good omen."
Mark in Swindon in the TMS inbox

1st over - 3-0 You can listen to TMS via our website now, that's all working. I think. Hashim Amla, he of the backlift that looks like a flower opening up, to face the first delivery of the match, from James Anderson. First ball on leg and Amla twirls it away for a single. Bit of a delay as Smith has a moan about the sight-screen, before some clown appears with a screwdriver. No idea... cheeky single from Smith with just a dab to mid-on, Broad hits the stumps and South Africa come back for a second. Broad on his heels there, Anderson not too happy. Three from the first over, no hint of swing.

1227: We've got the anthems now, we'll have play in just a few minutes. Not a reggae version of the South African anthem today, as before the rugby union match between France and the Springboks. Nope, it's a Goth Hop version instead.

"Sitting in bed, cricket on the radio in the background, eating a bowl of Crunchy Nut. The joys of student life... Looks like England have got their work cut out today though, the wicket looks a belter."
Alex in the TMS inbox

"That suddenly looks like a cracking batting line-up from England for one-dayers! Let's hope they can build on the confidence from the last game."
Ryan, Bristol, in the TMS inbox

"I fancy England to be the first to win under floodlights here, providing our bowlers can get us off to a good start and restrict the Saffers." Sportsfanm87 on 606

1218: Big Duncan Fletcher in the TMS summariser's seat today. He's turned Queens, so to speak, and is now a consultant with the Saffers.

1213: Bit of spin expected at Newlands today, which will be encouraging for England - they've got Swanny, South Africa haven't got much in the way of tweak. However depressed with work you may feel today, take succour from the fact that I turned up at 7am for my shift, not realising that I was expected in at 1130. It was a long and diabolical journey back to Romford, only made tolerable by a smashing blonde lady sitting opposite me on the Tube nibbling on a sandwich. Aaaah...

South Africa: GC Smith (cap), HM Amla, AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, AN Petersen, MV Boucher (wk), R McLaren, WD Parnell, RE van der Merwe, M Morkel, DW Steyn
England: AJ Strauss (cap), IJL Trott, KP Pietersen, PD Collingwood, EJG Morgan, MJ Prior (wk), LJ Wright, SCJ Broad, GP Swann, TT Bresnan, JM Anderson

1209: Two changes for both sides: Stuart Broad and Graeme Swann in for Saj Mahmood and Adil Rashid for England, Wayne Parnell and Morne Morkel in for Charl Langeveldt and Albie Morkel. Twelve times South Africa have won the toss in floodlit matches at Newlands, 12 times they've won, 12 times they've batted first and 12 times they've won. Someone wants to have a rifle through Graeme Smith's loose change...

1205: Hello. The third ODI between England and South Africa at Newlands today, with England bidding for their seventh straight win over the Proteas in the 50-over format. Spanking day in Cape Town, looks like a painting by Gauguin, if he'd ever done pictures of cricket grounds... Graeme Smith has won the toss and his South Africans are going to have a bat. It really does look smashing out there...