Ryan Sidebottom took Test-best figures of 7-47 as England seized control of the decider against New Zealand.

Bowled out for just 253, England then watched the hosts cruise to 103-1 in reply, with Stephen Fleming hitting a smooth 59 in his final Test match.

But Sidebottom turned the match on its head with five wickets between lunch and tea as New Zealand panicked.

They were hustled out for 168, and England built on their lead as they reached stumps on 91-2, 176 ahead.

By Ben Dirs

Get involved. E-mail tms@bbc.co.uk (with 'For Ben Dirs' in the subject), text 81111 (with "CRICKET" as the first word) or use 606 between 0900-2300 GMT. (Not all contributions can be used).

ENGLAND SECOND INNINGS

"I can translate for you Ben: guernsey is Aussie for footy shirt or jersey. A vest is a spencer. Fascinating, no? No...fair enough."
Sarah, Perth, in the TMS inbox

STUMPS

0457 - 91-2 Patel finishes with a maiden over and there ends a remarkable day's cricket. How to sum up? Fine bowling from Sidebottom, truly awful batting from New Zealand, and from Michael Vaughan. England, however, finish day two 176 runs ahead and heading for what should be a thumping victory. Thanks for keeping me company, I'll be seeing you all soon.

0455 - 91-2 A couple of people have emailed in regarding my mention of Jesus. For the record, I'm a Catholic, but an unbeliever. Only fellow Catholics can understand what that means. Two singles from the over, one remaining. A crazed rendition of Rule Britannia from the Barmy Army. It's like they've just planted a flag in America rather than witnessed their cricket team walk all over one of the most medicore teams in Test history.

0451 - 89-2 Just one from Patel's over and New Zealand's players look shot to pieces. "It's like being two sets down to Roger Federer" says Sir Geoffrey.

0449 - 88-2 Strauss clips Vettori to deep mid-wicket for a couple and retains the strike with a thick inside edge from the final ball of the over. Three overs remain.

0444 - 85-2 Tremendous stroke from KP, slapping Patel through wide mid-off for four. Dismissive, imperious stroke that from KP, who'll fancy his chances of twin tons here. Guy Busby emails to inform me that a 'gurnsey' is an old term for a 'jersey'. Who needs Neville Cardus?

"For your information, I once had a summer job at the Cadbury's factory in Keynsham and I can assure you that Creme Eggs and Mini Eggs are only on sale from New Year's Day to Easter. For your further information, we made 10 million Mini Eggs a year. I was told how far they would all stretch if laid end-to-end, but I can't remember because my stint there was about eight years ago and I have a bad memory."
Laurence, Dubai, in the TMS inbox

0441 - 81-2 One for Pietersen courtesy of a thick edge through the slip cordon and Strauss bags two more with a clip to mid-wicket. Some confusion as to what Cook scored - Cricinfo and the BBC say 40, Sky say 37. On the day that Jesus rose again, it's not that important really.

0438 - 78-2 Pietersen is at the crease and he's off the mark with an easy single which Patel should have cut off.

0435 - WICKET - Cook c McCullum b Patel 40 (Eng 77-2)Pat in Oz, the only reason I published your email is because I was intrigued as to what a "gurnsey" was. Vettori not getting the ball to turn and there are just two singles from his over. But Cook's gone, staying back and attempting the cut and only succeeding in feathering the ball to McCullum behind the stumps. Not enough width for that shot and Cook's missed out on a big score again.

"I bet New Zealand are dreading the summer if we get Freddie and Simon Jones fit. We could line up then as Cook, Vaughan, Bell, Pieterson, Collingwood, Flintoff, Ambrose, Sidebottom, Broad, Panesar and Jones. On paper, very strong. What do you think?"
Stuart, Tamworth, in the TMS inbox

0431 - 75-1 An inside edge from Strauss, but the ball just evades Bell at short-leg. Patel then fizzes one past a cut shot from Strauss, but the Middlesex man ploughs on.

0425 - 74-1 Just one from Patel's over, the lead now 157. If England don't win this from here, I'll burst into the Sky commentary box at some point during the summer and call Ian Botham an unpatriotic milksop. Two from Vettori's over, one each for Strauss and Cook. Someone's lit a fire under the Barmy Army, they're going barmy.

"What am I? The freakin Invisible Man? Here am I supporting you through the wee small hours and I don't even get a gurnsey. Go NZ."
Pat, Oz, in the TMS inbox

0422 - 71-1 Cook gets a life - he lunges forward, feathers Vettori behind and McCullum puts down the catch. Should have taken that and he could live to regret it. Vettori looks like a man who has just walked into a newsagent to find his dad flicking through some top-shelf literature. Cook picks up three from his final ball with a cut to backward-point.

0419 - 67-1 Strauss nurdles Patel to deep mid-wicket for one. Darren O'Mara, how do you eat yours? You've just won a Creme Egg sunshine. Send me your address.

0416 - 66-1 It is Vettori and Strauss sweeps him for one. That's the only run of the over however, and I reckon Vettori could be getting through a serious amount of overs in this England innings.

0412 - 65-1 Hello? Anybody there? First person to email me gets a Creme Egg. Four for Cook with a willowy drive through cover-point. Cook plays uppishly to just in front of the fielder at extra-cover and CMJ reacts as if he's just accidentally sat on his mother-in-law's hand in the TMS commentary box. It wasn't that close however. Elliott over-pitches and Cook fills his boots, easing him through extra-cover for four, and Vettori loosens up.

0409 - 57-1 Cook brings up the fifty partnership with a glide round the corner for one. Brilliant piece of glovework from McCullum, collecting a sweep one-handed and very nearly running Strauss out with the throw. Strauss would have been out by miles.

0403 - 54-1 Strauss throws his bat at a wide one from Elliott, takes his bottom hand off the bat, and the ball flies over the slips and runs away for four. Not a particularly prudent stroke, but he's got a way with it. Bowling about mid-70smph at the moment Elliott, not much menace.

0400 - 50-1 Just one from Elliott's over, a single into the off-side from Cook, and it's time for a bit of tweak from off-spinner Jeetan Patel. Cook dabs Patel's first ball to square-leg for one and Strauss plays a similar shot for a single of his own. That's England's fifty.

0351 - 47-1 Southee over-pitches and Cook, with no fuss at all, eases the ball to the long-off boundary. A single from Cook before Southee drags another one in short and Strauss yanks him away for four. There's Alan Duff in the crowd, author of Once Were Warriors. On Sky, someone enquires of David Gower whether he has seen said film, which is a bit like asking Princess Anne whether she's ever been to a wet t-shirt night down Brannigans.

"I get the feeling New Zealand would like the day to end. They look like they've had the stuffing knocked out of them and there could be some easy runs this evening as the hosts mope about feeling sorry for themselves."
Gus Fraser on TMS

0347 - 38-1 Strauss picks up a streaky single - he aims to turn Elliott away into the leg-side but the ball comes off the back of his bat and runs away to backward-point. Cook looks in pretty good nick - short and wide from Elliott and the Essex opener rifles him over the cover fieldsman for four.

"Sidebottom would be drums played a la Ringo Starr. Nothing flashy, but can be relied on to be consistent. And if it wasn't there, everything else would fall apart."
Stewart, Huddersfield, in the TMS inbox

0342 - 32-1 Martin strays onto Strauss's pads and is flipped to the mid-wicket fence and the Middlesex man drives Martin down the ground for four next ball. Better from Strauss. One more single for Strauss before Cook rocks back, swivels and pulls Martin away for four. A shot of Vaughan up on the balcony and he looks like a man being probed by a marriage counsellor, as well he should, that was an awful shot he played.

0335 - 19-1 Cook looking pretty compact at the crease today, and he's happy to block out Martin's over. That's better from Strauss, getting the weight forward, but he's still not happy, practicing what he thinks should have been the correct stroke after each actual shot. Strauss picks up a single from the final ball of the over with a nudge to mid-wicket. The Barmy Army trumpeter has finally found his way into the ground. If Cook was a musical instrument, he'd be an oboe. Not sure what Strauss would be at the moment. A set of coconuts?

0330 - 18-1 Strauss is struggling to find any fluidity - as Geoffrey Boycott points out, there's too much bottom hand in his drives. Much confusion as to whether Creme Eggs are available all year - Cat (who still hasn't finished writing her PhD thesis) reckons the Cadbury's website says they are available from New Year's Day to Easter Day, but everyone else reckons you can get them all year round. Weird.

"Strauss is closing the face with the bottom hand, he doesn't really have the conviction to stroke it through with the top hand. Southee is bowling like an Angus Fraser who's knackered..."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS

"The correct appellation for one's female parent is, of course, 'Mater'. However, in the last 200 years this has (regrettably) become viewed as rather pretentious. Therefore, one may now use the term 'Mom' or, if one is feeling particularly affectionate, 'Momsie'. Please note that Mom should not be confused with MOTM, who is Ryan Sidebottom."
Tim, Bangkok, in the TMS inbox

0324 - 18-1 Martin gets one to nip back off the seam, but that's good judgement from Strauss, who shoulders arms and watches the ball zip by to the wicket-keeper. That's a risky single from England, Strauss defending to mid-on and Cook hesitating before just making his ground. England could do without runs like that at this stage of the match.

0318 - 17-1 That's another maiden over from Martin and it's pretty tense out there in Napier at the moment. Southee drops short and Cook stands tall and cracks him through the covers for his second four. And that's four more, Cook leaning into a wide half-bunger and the ball racing through the covers. Lovely, elegant stroke that makes me proud to hail from the same county as him. Southee looks shot to bits here...cue a four-wicket burst...

"Just what the hell is going on? It's 3am on a snowy Easter Sunday here in the UK and England have fought back magnificently to make a real game of this final Test in New Zealand. I'll put my house on Boycott's one-liners keeping me up for at least another couple of hours..."
The Crow, Milton Keynes, in the TMS inbox

0313 - 9-1 Cook, feet rooted to the crease, edges, but the ball dribbles along the ground to second slip. Southee keeps it tight outside off-stump and Cook declines to go fishing. Really flagging now, might nick that Creme Egg that's sitting in the office fridge. I had a row with someone the other day: I said Creme Eggs are only sold between January and May, she reckoned they were sold all year round - who's right and, more importantly, who's wrong?

0309 - 9-1 Strauss is now at the crease and you have to think that, unless he gets some seriously big runs here, his England career is finished, at least in the short-term. Three slips and two gulleys in for Strauss, but you can have nine slips in and you'll never take a wicket if you bowl on his pads - that's bread and butter and four for the Middlesex man.

0306 - 5-1 Probing stuff from Southee outside Cook's off-stump and that's a maiden over. Cook could do with a few runs here as well, and England could well do without him missing a straight one as he did in the first innings.

"Re: first video rental. 'Remo', and I ain't ever looked back, mainly because I tried to replicate his high-altitude moves on some scaffolding beside the local church and I fell a great distance and permanently injured my neck. Top film, 8/10."
Cen in the TMS inbox

"I don't want to be mean to Michael Vaughan, but he did say a number of times before this match that you've got to respect the game and respect the opposition, and that's exactly what he didn't do."
Christopher Martin-Jenkins on TMS

0258 - WICKET - Vaughan c McCullum b Martin 4 (Eng 5-1)
Players are back out and Cook is off the mark with a single first ball. Vaughan opens his account with a whip-cracked cut for four and that's not clever bowling from Martin. But the England skipper's gone next ball! Another short ball from Martin, Vaughan attempts to pull him from outside off and feathers a catch to McCullum behind the stumps. That's not an intelligent shot from Vaughan - it wasn't short enough to pull and it was well outside off.

"I'm not sure what to make of things. Have I fallen asleep and started dreaming of good times? Sidebottom takes seven, Panesar takes a catch, England have a first-innings lead... Glamorgan for the County Championship?"
Pete Hayman in the TMS inbox

NEW ZEALAND FIRST INNINGS

0252: That equals the best ever figures by an England bowler in a Test in New Zealand - Phil Tufnell took 7-47 in Christchurch in 1990-91. Andrew (see below), that is truly one of the most perplexing emails I have ever been sent. "Mum" a "baby talk title"? Or, as you seem to be implying, a working-class term for a mother? When did you move to America, 1850?

"Is it indicative of your age or of your class that you still use baby talk titles for your parents?"
Andrew, Boston, MA, in the TMS inbox

0248 - WICKET - Vettori c Cook b Sidebottom 14 (NZ 168 all out)
It's Sidebottom to continue, and not Anderson as I thought, and that's the seven-fer, Vettori edging to Cook at gully. Siders finishes with 7-47 and that completes a remarkable turnaround for England - they're in the driver's seat now, and who would have thought that would be the case just a few hours ago? New Zealand lost 9-65 in 25 overs there, which is pitiful in the circumstances. The ball didn't swing, there was no great movement off the deck, but there were plenty of ropey old shots, just as there were in England's innings.

0242 - WICKET - Patel c Panesar b Broad 4 (NZ 164-9)
Broad does for Patel, the little off-spinner popping one up to Monty at mid-off. Monty then rings his hands and leaves the field for treatment - not sure what that's all about, he would have done himself less damage catching a blob of ice cream. Remarkable! Number 11 Martin moves to his fourth highest score in Tests from his first delivery, an outside edge that runs away for four.

0238 - 164-8 Vettori steers a single to point and Patel picks up a single of his own. Vettori is then cut in half by a ball that nips back but does manage a single next ball. Two for Patel from the final ball of the over courtesy of a nurdle to square-leg. Vaughany has a quick chat with Siders at the end of the over and that could be it for the Notts man. Anderson to come back into the attack and he could do with a couple of wickets to raise the morale.

"Me and my workmate Rik are sitting here onboard a research vessel in the Gulf of Mexico thinking of our first video rental. Rik seems to think his was something called Kentucky Fried Movie, which his mother hired for him, The mind boggles as to what its theme was."
Gary and Rik in the TMS inbox

0230 - 158-8 Hello! One more session folks, so dig in, dig in...Broad takes the first over after lunch and he almost has Patel second ball, but the ball drops just short of Collingwood at second slip. Not quite a chance, and New Zealand have one more run. Vettori squeezes a single out to point and it's going to be Sidebottom, looking for an eight-fer, to continue.

"There's a case for bowling Anderson now because you want him to be up for it in the second innings and wanting to win the match."
Vic Marks on TMS

"Can't believe Siders is actually calling for an ice bath. He truly is hard! First video my dad ever hired was Clockwork starring John Cleese, which was pretty rubbish. My dad was paranoid about the local burglars knowing we had a VCR, so took a three mile detour home from the video shop."
Glenfix in the TMS inbox

0210 - Sidebottom will bowl throughout the session - one more over until tea. Vettori pushes him into the covers for one before Patel plays with a staight bat and should have taken a run there, but Vettori didn't fancy that. Siders dredges up a bumper from somewhere, which Patel ducks with the minimum of fuss. That's the interval and Sidebottom will be able to put his feet up and mull over figures of 6-43 with his tea and flapjacks.

0206 - 154-8 Broad digs one in short to Patel and the little off-spinner just manages to get his bat in front of his neck and fend it away.

"Where's Jimmy Anderson when you need him? 'Bring back Jimmy' they'll be shouting from the New Zealand dressing room..."
Bryan Waddle on TMS

0200 - 154-8 Jeetan Patel is the new man in the middle and Sidebottom looks like he's pulling an oven now, he's absolutely rubbered after his heroics this afternoon in Napier. Vettori turns him off his legs for one and Ptel is off the mark with an uppish drive into the covers. The man opposite has just asked pointedly: what was the first film you ever hired from a video shop? The Time Bandits, I fired back immediately. My mum thought it was rubbish, but everyone else thought it was brilliant. She loved Porkies though.

0156 - WICKET - Southee c Pietersen b Broad 5 (NZ 152-8)
Vettori cuts and the ball beats the dive of Pietersen at gully and races away for four. That's slightly short form Broad and Vettori swings him away for a single. That's an extraordinary shot from Southee, stepping away and throwing the kitchen sink at it and missing. But he's gone next ball and the barrage has paid off - Southee fences and Pietersen swallows a lollipop at gully.

"Right, so to get a comment published I need to write about women's television and extravagant wind passing. Should it be in poem form?"
Katrina in the TMS inbox

0151 - 146-7 Vettori eases Sidebottom to mid-on for a single before the Notts paceman attempts to clean Southee up with a yorker - but it ends up as a full-bunger that misses leg-stump bu a foot. Three slips, gully and a short-leg in for Southee...and Siders, looking tired now, serves up a juicy full-toss which Southee twirls away for four through backward-point. His first four in Tests.

0148 - 141-7 Southee manages to dig out a yorker before Broad tries a bit of rib music, getting one to jag back at Southee and tuck him up. Didn't look very comfortable at all there Southee.

0144 - 141-7 It's Siders to continue, with three slips and a gully, and he continues to plough this nagging line outside off-stump, against both left and right-hander. Vettori does pick up one with a flick to long-leg before Southee is off the mark in Test cricket with a clip off his pads for one.

"How can Sidebottom expect to keep his place? Playing to your potential is not the done thing in this England side."
Tom, Telford, in the TMS inbox

"England have bowled a lot better length since lunch, they were far too short beforehand and getting pulled and cut by How and Fleming. But as well as England have bowled, there's been some pretty ordinary batting."
Gus Fraser on TMS

0139 - 139-7 Vettori is off the mark with a gentle push to mid-off, but that's the only run of the over and Broad is doing a decent supporting job. Sorry Keelan (see below), at this time of the night I have to check spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch every time I leave the office. Who are you again?

"Do you not think my girlfriend's (Elspeth) e-mail would have made more sense to everyone if you'd published the one i sent you before hers?!!"
Keelan, London, in the TMS inbox

0133 - WICKET - Elliott c Ambrose b Sidebottom 6 (NZ 138-7)
Sidebottom tiring now, some of his deliveries dying before reaching Ambrose behind the stumps. But he's throws that silly little comment back in my face! Elliott goes forward tentatively and feathers a catch to Ambrose behind the stumps. Six wickets now for Siders, and there could be more...another debutant, Southee, now at the crease. Leg-before appeal from Sidebottom, who's getting a bit of inswing now, but Southee survives. Sidebottom now has 5-23 in nine overs since lunch - remarkable stuff.

"Fast bowlers are a bit like race-horses - you flog them to death and then they've got nothing left the next time you want them to perform..."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS

0129 - 138-6 Holy mother of Pietersen, what the ruddy heck is that!? A man in a red lycra super-hero outfit casually sups on a beer in one of the McLean Park stands. Leaving nothing to the imagination that outfit, you can see what religion he is. The Kiwis have ground to a halt here, but Elliott does pick up a single with a nurdle to mid-wicket.

0125 - 137-6 Kiwi skipper Vettori is the new batsman and he's probably in as good a nick as any of the batsmen above him. Vettori drops Sidebottom into the leg-side, looks for the single, but then sends Elliott scurrying back. Maiden over from Sidebottom. Neil Andrews (see below), you're not the Neil Andrews who had the Brian Glover-esque dad who used to make him practice football over King George's Playing Fields until sun-down every night?

0120 - 137-6 From being all over England before lunch the hosts have now lost 5-34 and Sidebottom has 5-33, 21 wickets in the series and that's his third five-wicket haul in New Zealand. Elliott gropes outside off-stump and is beaten by Broad and the Kiwis are in some serious strife here.

"The only downer on this remarkable fight back is my brother, who is letting out some absolutely vile windypops."
Neil Andrew in the TMS inbox

0113 - WICKET - McCullum b Sidebottom 9 (NZ 137-6)
Huge applause for Monty as he saves four down at long-leg - Elliott off the mark with a couple. Three more for all-rounder Elliott with a steer through the gully region - Cook belly-flopped over the ball there, not too clever. But Sidebottom's done it again! Outrageously bad shot from McCullum, attempting to cut a ball of good length and losing his off-pole. Rarely have I seen a more inept display of batting in a Test match than this. BUT WHO GIVES A MONKEY'S! ENGLAND ON TOP!

"It's all about all-action all the time and players have forgotten how to build an innings and stay in for long periods. I think it's because of the advent of one-day cricket."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS

"I wonder what is more questionable, someone employed by the BBC to commentate on a day's sport by text, or someone who feels the need to read the commentary, despite taking no enjoyment from it, then feel the need to tell everyone that he doesn't read the commentary, then feel the need to tell people who do enjoy reading the commentary that he doesn't enjoy the commentary despite the fact he claims not to read the commentary."
Mark, Rochdale, in the TMS inbox

0107 - 132-5 McCullum comes out punching, flashing Broad to the backward-point fence. There's four leg-byes off of McCullum's thigh - looked worth an lbw shout that - before the Kiwi gloveman picks up four streaky runs with an outside edge that just evades the dive of Cook at gully. We have a decent game on our hands folks, stick around.

"I am the aforementioned girlfriend of Keelan. I just asked whether Shane Wayne was playing. I then tried to impress with my cricketing skills by mentioning Ian Botham. Oh dear. I'm getting my coat. And my Sex and the City box set."
Elspeth, London, in the TMS inbox

0059 - WICKET - Sinclair c Broad b Sidebottom 7 (NZ 119-5)
And Sidebottom gets his fourth! That's a dreadful stroke from Sinclair, Siders digging one in short and the right-hander mis-timing a pull straight to Broad at mid-on. The Notts man now has 20 wickets in the series, and that's a record for an English bowler in New Zealand. England, quick as a flash, are right back in the mix. McCullum is off the mark with a whip through square-leg for one and he strikes me as a pugnacious little blighter. In fact, McCullum is the sort of bloke who'd go one further than asking someone to turn their music down on a bus, he'd lob their mobile phone out of the top deck window.

0056 - WICKET - Taylor c Ambrose b Broad 2 (NZ 118-4)
Big lbw shout from Broad against Sinclair, but there was a bit of bat on that. Sinclair picks up a single before Broad gets rid of Taylor with a jaffer, the ball pitching and leaving the right-hander before finding the edge and finding its way into the gloves of Ambrose. Some chap called khanwang2004700 has just emailed in to ask, bold as brass: Would you date someone who makes a lot less money than you? If my girlfriend was earning "a lot less" than me, she'd be living in a cardboard box in a doorway on Oxford Street.

0047 - WICKET - How c Strauss b Sidebottom 44 (NZ 116-3)
Sidebottom does it again. How flails at one outisde off-stump and Strauss pouches a simple catch at first slip. England back in this, Ross Taylor the next man at the crease and he's off the mark with a flick to long-leg for two.

0046 - 116-2 One for How with a work to mid-wicket and that's tidier from Stuart Broad, well done young man.

"Am I the only Englishman to revel in a sort of grim satisfaction when England get thrashed at cricket/football/rugby? Losing by a slim margin is just irritating whereas the pain of an absolute tonking becomes rather pleasurable, I find. My therapist says this is quite normal and is desperately trying to get a message out to Michael Vaughan to get Jimmy back on."
Dixe Wills in the TMS inbox

0041 - 115-2 Happy Easter everybody! On this day, Jesus rose again to save us all! Although I'm not sure about Strauss - Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha and Captain Caveman rolled into one couldn't salvage his England career. Just one from Sidebottom's over and England have managed to get New zealand back on the leash since Fleming's departure.

0038 - 114-2 Sinclair opens the face and runs a couple to point. But that's a ripper from Broad, getting on to jag away from Sinclair at 87mph and leave him fencing. A shot of a little girl rolling down one of the mounds at McLean Park. Wish I was still allowed to do stuff like that, better than working.

0035 - 112-2 Doozy of a drive from How and the ball disappears through the covers for four. Big appeal from England, How swinging across the line and Ambrose snaffling the ball diving low to his left, but the ball appeared the clip his thigh and not the bat.

0028 - 108-2 How drops the ball into the off-side and scampers a quick single. Broad drifts onto Sinclair's legs and the tall right-hander clips him through mid-wicket for four. That's better from Broad, probing just outside off-stump with his final three balls. Tom Carlton of Hackney has just emailed in to accuse me of "elegant variation". You could never accuse England's bowling attack of that.

"Another night out, another howling disappointment. Is supporting England's cricket team now one of those professions which is uninsurable, like being a bouncer in Swansea. How much is hope going for on ebay these days?"
Pete in the TMS inbox

0020 - WICKET - Fleming c Collingwood b Sidebottom 59 (NZ 103-2)
Too straight from Sidebottom and How clips him square for a few and that's the hundred partnership. But Fleming's gone! Not much footwork from the former Kiwi skipper and he edges straight to Collingwood at second slip. Could that be the last time we see him in the middle in a Test match? Something tells me it won't be. Sinclair is the new man at the crease and he very nearly falls third ball, edging one bounce to Collingwood. Sinclair has played 31 Tests and has 1582 runs at 33.65 with an average of 33.65. He notched 214 on debut against West Indies in 1999, so you might consider his career figures a bit of a disappointment.

0017 - 100-1 It is Collingwood to continue and that's a pretty sad indictment of this England bowling attack. But that's a maiden, if a pretty unthreatening one.

0014 - 100-1 Two for Fleming with a flip off his pads and he picks up one more with a twirl to third-man. Sidebottom it is bowling the first over after lunch while Collingwood loosens up - it looks like he might be continuing from the other end. And that's the ton, How clipping Siders to the square-leg fence for four. Monty, loping round from long-leg like a man running through marmalade, was never going to cut that off.

0001: Many thanks for that information Dr Berry (see below), I'm sure that has been exercising many a mind for days, if not weeks, now. Play in a couple of minutes, and England need wickets - and quick - or they're stuffed. In reference to Lee in Woking's comment below, I reckon it's a match made in heaven. It's when your girlfriend bursts in and starts screaming violently at the boxing that you know you've got problems. Gavin Rees lost by the way, which is a shame.

"I'm now back working on a cruise ship (San Diego to Acapulco with a couple of unknown Mexican stops between) and just wanted to let people know that I DO NOT spend all my time treating sea-sickness. The nurses deal with that and I'm busy saving lives and disembarking elderly passengers."
Dr. Louise Berry, Ship Physician, Carnival Spirit

"Ben, if Michael Vaughan is now in the team for his incisive captaincy alone (clearly not for his batting) can someone tell me why he instructed his bowlers to bowl long hops at How and Fleming only to see them continuously thumped to the boundary? Clearly I - and maybe Sir Geoffrey - are missing something. And if Strauss is in the side for his slip fielding...say no more."
Peter Hook, Sydney, in the TMS inbox

"I agree with Andrew. Sorry Ben, it's like having teeth pulled reading your commentary. I guess if I was a student with little in life to thrill me I could put up with it. I just watch the scrolling scorecard. It's like watching the footie with the sound turned down...sorry mate."
Steve, Bracknell, in the TMS inbox

"I've just been watching the Rees v Kotelnik fight whilst checking the cricket score whilst my girlfriend's been in the other room watching Pride & Prejudice. Do opposites attract or is this relationship nearing the end?"
Lee, Woking, in the TMS inbox

"I seem to remember once being told that Will Self, or it might have been Martin Amis, was a Franz Kafka for the 21st century. I nearly choked on my self-alienation."
Paul, Lancs, in the TMS inbox

"At the moment they don't look like they can bowl New Zealand out cheaply, and it's going to be a pretty morose England dressing room. I'll put my life on it, that is a pretty good batting pitch and you're now asking the bowlers to climb mountains on a flat pitch. England have gone to jail and that's where they'll damn well stay unless something freakish happens."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS

2330 - In a desperate bid to take the pace off the ball, Collingwood bowls the final over before lunch. It's a probing one - six dot balls - and that was New Zealand's morning and absolutely no mistake. The man opposite me announces that "that was one of the most dispiriting sessions I've ever seen", and can any England fan disagree?

"Just to say, I really feel for poor old Sidey: bursting into the team, establishing himself as a stand-out, top-class performer, the only guy with an upward graph while everyone and everything else nosedives. Hang in there Ryan, you're a legend!"
Eoin, Ireland, in the TMS inbox

2323 - 93-1 Too straight from Broad and How flips him away for a couple. And that's more rancid stuff from Broad, who plonks one in short and is rifled to the mid-wicket fence. A festival bowling attack of Tim Rice, Richard Stilgoe and John Major would be more convincing than this. Vaughany gets tough and dismisses his two errant seamers to the outfield - it's time for Monty, and his first over, as if by magic, is a maiden.

2316 - 87-1 Deary, deary me, Straussy really is having a mare in Napier. Fleming edges a back-foot drive and the Middlesex man, showing all the agility of a Cadbury's Smash robot, can only get one hand to it and the ball ricochets to the third-man fence for four. Fleming compounds England's misery by creaming Anderson to the cover boundary next ball and bags another four with a glide to the third-man fence. This is pretty diabolical from England to be honest - 45 from Anderson's last three overs and Sir Geoffrey is so annoyed that he's felt the need to pull out one of his "stick of rhubarb" analogies early on day two.

"Jim once fixed it for a boy to learn how to whistle - Dear Jim, please can you fix it for me to learn how to purse my lips and blow air through them? The production team must have seen that as a money saver."
Stuart, Preston, in the TMS inbox2312 - 74-1 Fleming moves to 40 with a clip to mid-wicket before Fleming shows good judgement to leave a delivery that just misses off-stump. Bit of width from Broad and Fleming opens his shoulders and swats him uppishly through extra-cover for four. Anderson it was with the dive, but he wasn't close.

2308 - 68-1 How very nearly chops onto his timbers, but the ball from Anderson runs away for four instead. One more for How with a nurdle into the leg-side and Fleming picks up a single with an inside edge. And that's more shocking bowling from Anderson - he's clipped through wide mid-on for four before being pulled through mid-wicket for another boundary. That's 32 from his last two overs and England have problems.

2301 - 54-1 Broad drags a couple down short and is pulled away twice by How for four. One more for How and England skipper Vaughan has problems already - aside from Sidebottom, his seamers are asking some very simple questions. Saying that the girl from the White Stripes is in the same class as a drummer as Keith Moon is like saying that Jimmy Saville is in the same class as a DJ as Paul Van Dyk. A mate of mine once wrote in to Jim'll Fix It and asked to have a look around some castle cellars. Can anyone think of a less ambitious request than that?

"When you pick Jimmy, you have to accept that he might be expensive bowler, but he might take wickets. That's why you need another couple of seamers who keep it tight."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS

2258 - 45-1 Fine stop by Bell at backward-point, flinging himself to his right and preventing a square-drive from Fleming from running away for four. Flemo walks across his stumps and is hit on the pad, but that was arcing down the leg-side and there is no appeal. A maiden over from Sidebottom, who is grafting manfully for England, as usual.

2253 - 45-1 Time for a bit of Stuart Broad after Anderson's bottom-spanking two overs ago. And it's a good first over - just one from it, Fleming turning him wide of Panesar at mid-on. The TMS chaps are discussing who they think will take more Test wickets - Southee or Broad? Interesting...I'd go for Southee personally.

"Continuing with the theme of ridiculous things said by housemates, a girl I lived with last year once told us that the girl from the White Stripes was a drummer in the same class as Keith Moon, John Bonham and Carl Palmer."
Dan Lucas in the TMS inbox

2250: Aaaah, Kevin (see below), old school memories...just in case anyone's thinking it's all got a bit parochial, well, it has. Benny was our old cricket coach, only he couldn't really play cricket...and he was about 80...and I think he must have lived in the PE office because I never saw him in any other part of the school. He also had this bad habit of trying to put pupils' boxes....hang on a second...Anyone else have any odd cricket coaches? "Benny would be proud of you, are you playing phantom shots with your left arm as a bat?"
Kev in the TMS inbox

2245 - 44-1 Just two leg-byes from Sidebottom's over, from the pad of How, and it's time for drinks. Andrew (see below), the only thing more remarkable than the BBC tormenting you with my "puerile illiteracy" for a second day running is the fact that you're still reading it. Weird.

2240 - 42-1 Anderson drops just short of a length and Fleming, showing Swiss timing, twirls him through the covers for four. And that's another crackerjack stroke, this time planting his foot down the track and lacing Anderson through wide mid-off. And another four! A little bit short and wide again from Anderson and Fleming stands tall and steers him through point. AND A RUDDY NOTHER! Wide again from Anderson and Fleming rocks back and marmalises him over the point fence for SIX! As the chaps on TMS have just pointed out, you can definitely tell Fleming isn't a man playing for his place. Ball five is a dot...as is ball six. Nevertheless, there are 18 from the over and Fleming has erased any early jitters from this New Zealand innings - 36 fom 24 deliveries so far.

"Why is the BBC tormenting us by forcing two days running on us of your puerile illiteracy?"
Andrew, MA, USA, in the TMS inbox

2236 - 24-1 Fleming reaches outside off-stump and gets a thick outside edge. But that's more like it, allowing a leg-side ball from Sidebottom to come onto him and flipping him through wide mid-on for a few.

2232 - 21-1 The most curious part about your email, Matt Dawson (see below), is the fact he asked how you get "one of those" corks out, as if the cork was a new development in wine technology. That's a magnificent stroke from Fleming, wristily driving Anderson through cover-point for four. England have got to watch this chap, he'll be absolutely gagging for a ton on his Test swansong.

"My new housemate of one week has so far asked how you get one of those corks out of a bottle wine, why the lighbulb won't come out when pulled (it was screw in) and today he wanted to know the best way to fold a cardboard box (which I admit did cause quite a debate). He has a degree, masters and a PhD."
Matt Dawson in the TMS inbox

2228 - 16-1 Fleming stands tall and steers Sidebottom into the covers for two more. But that's not clever from Fleming, driving absent-mindedly outside off-stump and missing an away-swinger from Sidebottom. Fleming bags one more with a steer to point, where Anderson is unable to pick up cleanly.

2224 - 13-1 Anderson gets a bit of lift and squares Fleming up, the ball skewing off his outside edge. Flemo requires one more ton for 10 in Tests, a record his class more than merits. A couple from Fleming with a back-foot punch into the covers and he retains the strike with a flick off his pads for one.

2220 - 10-1 Sidebottom nag, nag, nagging away and also showing plenty of aggression. But that won't do his mood much good - his sixth ball slides onto How's pads and is deflected to the long-leg boundary for four.

2216 - 6-1 Another wild and windy waft outside off-stump from How as Anderson continues to get the ball to shape away from the right-hander. How does get Anderson away for a single to keep the strike. I was reading an article on Will Self on the way to work. Does anyone else ever get to the end of features in high-brow newspapers and feel really inadequate and a little bit stupid?

"Re: housemates. In the first week of living together my housemate came into the room holding a corkscrew and a can of tuna. With a look of pure confusion on his face he said in despair 'I just can't get this tin opener to work'. A week later we found him trying to cook pasta in a pot without water. That's what boarding school does to you."
Tim in the TMS inbox

2213 - 5-1 That's bang on the spot from Sidebottom, probing the corridor of uncertainty outside Fleming's off-stump. The former Kiwi skipper keeps his head and declines to have a nibble. Maiden over.

2209 - 5-1 Jimmy Anderson it is to share the new ball. How plays a solid drive back at the bowler and the Lancashire man comes over all macho, shaping to throw down the batsman's stumps. How stares back quizically, as if Anderson's just suggested they attend a James Blunt concert. That's airy-fairy from How, driving and missing outside off-stump.

"I am intrigued - how was drinking tea from a pyrex jug a winning feat in the aforementioned battle of wills?"
Annabel in the TMS inbox

2200 - WICKET - Bell lbw b Sidebottom 0 (NZ 1-1)
Right, players are back out and New Zealand are off the mark first ball courtesy of a leg-bye off the pad of How. England have an lbw appeal turned down second ball - Umpire Koertzen deciding that was a little high. But Sidebottom gets his man next ball, Bell shouldering arms to a straight one and Umpire Koertzen cranking up that left arm. Good start from England, and here comes Fleming, who is playing in his final Test. He's off the mark in typical fashion, flipping Sidebottom to the mid-wicket fence for four. Class.

ENGLAND FIRST INNINGS

2155: Talking of housemate politics, my roomy leaves his alarm clock in the corner of his bedroom, the reason being that he will have to leave his bed in the morning to turn it off and thus will be ready to hop straight into the shower. However, I regularly hear it go off at 6am and then hear him tip-toe to and fro, hitting 'snooze' every time, for the next hour or so. His current PB is 10 snoozes. I phoned him up the other week and shouted at him about it, which I was a little bit embarrassed about afterwards.

2148 - WICKET - Sidebottom c Bell b Southee 14 (Eng 253 all out)
And that's a wrap, Sidebottom goes for the pull, top-edges and Bell takes a simple catch at mid-on. Magnificent effort from the 19-year-old Southee on debut - he finishes with 5-55, and he'll be striving for the rest of his career to match that. Pretty pathetic performance from England to be honest and without Pietersen, they would have been in absolute allsorts.

"As he matures and gets older, Southee will put his body more into it and get a few kph quicker and get better. He gets shape as well and reminds me a bit of Martin Bicknell, who always seemed to bowl a bit within himself."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS

2146 - WICKET - Panesar b Martin 1 (Eng 253-9)
That's Monty gone, playing all round a straight one from Martin.

"Ben, do you find there's much unspoken politics with your housemate about certain household administration? I am more than familiar with the housemate glance you refer to (see 2129). The last such I received was as a result of making a cup of tea in a pyrex jug in order to sustain the battle of wills to not be the first to 'break' and have to wash up."
Mark, Rochdale, in the TMS inbox

2142 - 253-8 Stand and deliver stuff from Siders - Southee digs one in outside off-stump and the Notts man stands tall and upper-cuts him for four. Plenty of grunt in that shot, and these are handy runs for England. Sidebottom drives expansively and gets one for an inside edge to mid-wicket.

2139 - 247-8 Three more for Siders courtesy of a square-drive off Martin. Three slips, a gully, a backward-point and a short mid-off in for Panesar. Monty punges at a couple of deliveries and is beaten by some movement away off the seam. Looks like just a matter of time...

"'Cycle of Life' (see KP quote below), I heard that as well. Like something out of the Lion King. Maybe with Matthew Hoggard a wise baboon and Ian Bell a little rodent roaming the jungles."
Ben, Reading, in the TMS inbox

2132 - WICKET - Broad c McCullum b Southee 42 (Eng 240-8)
The hosts don't have to wait long for their first wicket - Broad plays forward tentatively to Southee's first ball of the day and edges to McCullum behind the sticks. Shame for Broad, he played pretty well yesterday. Monty Panesar is the new batsman and he's off the mark with a tuck off his pads to fine-leg before Sidebottom clips Southee to mid-wicket for a few. Southee now has figures of 4-50, which isn't a bad start to a Test career.

2129: Right, umpires are on their way to the middle and we'll have play in a couple of minutes. Where do we all stand on cheese and packaged ham from corner shops? That was my dinner tonight, and my housemate couldn't have looked at me with more disdain if I was tucking into a Beef and Tomato Pot Noodle.

"OK, so yesterday was seriously embarrassing. In fact, genuinely painful, but what happened to waiting until the opposition has batted too before passing judgement? If New Zealand are 300-1 at the close most of us will give up. If, in contrast, they are all out for 150 there will be some mitigation and some of the more extreme comments may prove a bit hasty."
Mark Kidger, Madrid, in the TMS inbox

2119: Bit muggy in Napier this morning apparently, which will be good news for England's seamers. Sad news today of the international retirement of Marcus Trescothick. The great irony for me about Trescothick's career is that I can't remember an England batsman to have played with such freedom yet he eventually succumbed to a stress-related illness. Anyway, a top bat and a decent chap who will always be remembered for his contribution to England's Ashes-winning series in 2005.

"I sense that Strauss will need to score a hundred in the second Test to have any chance of playing in the first Test of the summer at Lord's."
Vic Marks on TMS

"Evening Dirsy. Would I be tempting fate to predict twin centuries for Broad and Siders with an England lead of 500 by tea?"
Matt, Lincolnshire, in the TMS inbox

2105: Hello you. Welcome to day two of the third Test between New Zealand and England and, as far as England's fans are concerned, let's hope it's a damn sight better than day one - that was seriously bad. Just heard an interview with KP and he reckons England's batsmen are "great players". Then again, he also said he "believes in the cycle of life"...