Kevin Pietersen's crucial century was the highlight of an otherwise dreadful England performance on day one of the third Test decider against New Zealand.

After opting to bat first, the tourists lost Michael Vaughan, Andrew Strauss, Alastair Cook and Ian Bell pre-lunch.

Paul Collingwood and Tim Ambrose fell in the middle session as Tim Southee (3-46) and Jeetan Patel (2-37) helped the hosts build a strong position.

But Pietersen (129) made his 11th Test ton as England reached stumps on 240-7.

By Ben Dirs

Get involved. E-mail tms@bbc.co.uk (with 'For Ben Dirs' in the subject), text 81111 (with "CRICKET" as the first word) or use 606 between 0900-2300 GMT. (Not all contributions can be used).

ENGLAND FIRST INNINGS

STUMPS

0430 - 240-7 This will probably be the last over of a rather depressing day's cricket for England fans. Broad edges for four through the slip cordon before nurdling into the leg-side for a single. And that's a very ragged last over for New Zealand, Martin sending his final ball down the leg-side and Sidebottom tickling it away for four. Actually, that was four leg-byes. Another dreadful day's cricket from England, Pietersen and Broad aside, fine bowling from New Zealand, but this game is still in the balance. See you the same time tomorrow, hopefully it will be a better day for the tourists and I won't feel like scooping my eyes out with a melon baller tomorrow morning.

0427 - 231-7 Southee raps Broad on the pad, but there was plenty of bat on that. Broad picks up a single with a flick to backward square-leg.

0421 - 230-7 Sidebottom feels for a couple of Martin deliveries, but he's not good enough to get any wood on those. Five women in the crowd holding up signs that reveal the legend "cameramen are hot". That's his night sorted then. Sidebottom beaten twice more, but Martin's not getting a nibble.

0417 - 230-7 Broad punches a full-bunger from Southee into the covers for two. Aaaah, the Sky cameraman gets his finger out and goes on crumpet watch for a few seconds. Lots of lovely billowing summer skirts, strappy tops, flip-flops revealing lovely ladies toes...just a few more weeks, just a few more weeks...

"Re. Steve Kingston (see below): the geabox on a Vauxhall Victor did get very loose. I have a clear memory of driving from Bradwell-on-Sea to Basildon without using the clutch to change gear. It was just a question of timing. It worried my sister though."
Jon, Offshore Nigeria, in the TMS inbox

0412 - 228-7 Martin gets one past Sidebottom's defensive prod, but that's a nice shot from Sidebottom, jumping to off and shovelling Martin to fine-leg for two. Martin beats a fence from Broad and England survive the over. Just 17 minutes until stumps.

0407 - 226-7 Southee tries out some chin music and Broad top-edges him for four. Southee tries the Notts man out again and this time Broad gets plenty of willow on it and the ball disappears for six over the long-leg fence. One more for Broad with a punch into the covers before Sidebottom is off the mark with a nurdle to leg. Bit of wag in this England tail...shame about the top order...

0400 - 214-7 More Jonny on the Spot stuff from the precocious Southee and that's a maiden over. Martin then scythes Broad in half with one that nips back into the left-hander. But Broad is holding an end up here and showing us that he can bat at least a bit. Broad clips Martin off his hip for one and Sidebottom blocks out the final ball of the over.

0355 - 213-7 Broad stands tall and drives and edges past third slip - four runs. Martin serves up some short stuff which Broad plays rather uncomfortably, but survives. My dad had a Hillman Avenger (L reg), preceded by a Ford Anglia, which had the granny smashed out of it by a bunch of irate baboons at Woburn Safari Park. Funnily enough, my granny was in the car as well. She thought it was hilarious, but then she didn't have to shell out for new wing mirrors.

"We once had a Morris 1000 traveler, complete with moss in the windows, registration nnumber TRV742. This was followed by a Hillman Super Minx, BRV779B. My parents thought they were really posh when they got themselves a Morris Marina, JKK752L, then subsequently they got a seriously bad, previously enjoyed Vauxhall Estate. It didn't have a third gear, but had a 666 in the number plate."
Steve Kingston, Ontario, Canada in the TMS inbox

0348 - WICKET - Pietersen c How b Southee 129 (Eng 208-7)
Ding, dong the witch is dead - Pietersen drives, edges and How takes the catch in the gully. Wicket number three for debutant Southee. Fine knock from KP, without whom England would be pretty much dead and buried. His missus liked that too - there she is on one of the mounds alongside a couple of pals looking as proud as punch. Maybe KP will fork out and buy her some new sunnies, the one's she's wearing look like welding goggles.

0345 - 208-6 Martin has the glassy new cherry in his hand and the hosts will really want to rip another wicket out before stumps to rubber-stamp their dominance. Bit of inswing from Martin and Pietersen picks up a couple to long-leg. Really had to step on it there Pietersen, a direct hit might have been interesting. Pietersen steals the strike with a drop into the covers.

0340 - 205-6 KP eases Patel to mid-wicket for one and New Zealand are yet to take the new ball. Broad smothers the next five balls and Vettori does opt for the new ball just an over late.

0337 - 203-6 Pietersen tries to repeat his savage slog-sweep but is rapped on the pads...but that's not leg-before. KP waits on one, turns Vettori to leg and strolls a single.

"To Pete Haymann, what are you talking about? Wasn't young enough to understand the ineptitude of the mid-90s? Is he aging inversely? Anyway, the mid-80s was so much worse than the mid-90s. I was at school and it was crushing. How can you understand that the home of cricket can select and produce players of such vicious and intimidating potential as Vic Marks, Geoff Cook, Ian Greig and Eddie Hemmings? To listen to them coming into bowl at Greg Chappell..iIt was a torrid time as an England fan, but 4-3 gets close."
Luke, Oman (whose dad's registration in the above-mentioned time period was TPL455S), in the TMS inbox

0331 - 202-6 Pietersen has absolutely marmalised that, falling onto one knee and crashing Vettori onto the roof of the Harris Stand. And it's lodged! Bizarrely, we'll need a new ball for five balls before the new ball is taken. Does that make sense? Players are going to have a drink while it all gets sorted. Some chap in shorts has just clambered up on the roof and retrieved the ball, meaning we won't need a stop-gap ball after all, which is a bit of a shame...

"How do you manage this? It's almost four in the morning your time, and you have to keep working despite the disaster in NZ, when all you really want to do is go home, have a large drink and a cry, and go to bed. You are an example to all of us."
Alan, Mexico, in the TMS inbox

0327 - 196-6 Pietersen comes down the track and slaps Patel, inside-out, over extra-cover for four. Savage shot that, bring on the new ball...that said, KP misses out on a low full-bunger. One more single for Pietersen and Broad blocks the final ball of the over.

0324 - 191-6 A spot of Dad's Army from the Barmy Army bugler, which surely begs the question: who the ruddy heck in the England side is Captain Mainwaring and who's Sgt Wilson? Obviously, Harmison is Private Pike. Pietersen picks up a single with a clip to long-on.

0320 - 190-6 Pietersen whips the ball back at Patel, who mis-fields and allows England one more run. Just one from the over and this is old-school cricket. Just three overs until New Zealand can claim the new ball.

0319 - 189-6 Smashing stroke from Broad, easing Vettori through the covers for four. That's his highest Test score - 18 from 55 balls. Kiwi ladies in uniforms! One of them's dressed as a copper! Tremendous stuff.

"Ref Nemo at 0256: I learned to drive in my dad's big yellow Vauxhall Victor estate 2.3L reg PXD 815 L. It was a banana car. Me and my dad used to spend every Sunday getting it back into good enough running order to do the school run the following week. I hesitate to think of its carbon footprint..."
Jon, Offshore Nigeria, in the TMS inbox

0317 - 184-6 Pietersen picks up a single before Broad, who knows his place, blocks out the rest of the over.

0312 - 183-6 Broad getting onto the front and smothering Vettori's work and that's yet another maiden from the Kiwi skipper. Broad is now England's third top scorer after KP and Collingwood.

"If ANYONE comes out at the end of the day and says anything remotely positive, I'll cry. This is a weak NZ team anyway, let alone the loss of Oram and Mills. I wasn't young enough to understand at the time, but this is starting to feel like the ineptitude of the mid-1990s. I mean, Mr Toad!"
Pete Hayman in the TMS inbox

0308 - 183-6 A maiden over from Vettori before Broad bends his front leg and shovels Patel over his shoulder for a couple. Patel brings in a leg-slip to complement his slip, silly-point and short-leg. Broad moves to 14 with a nurdle to mid-wicket as England crawl towards the relative sanctuary of 200.

0304 - 180-6 Broad tucks Patel to mid-wicket for one before KP turns Patel away for a single of his own. Two slips and a silly mid-off in for Broad, but he covers up well and survives another over. Can he be Dilley to KP's Botham? Let's hope so, or England are liable to get a damn good thrashing.

0256 - 178-6 Six dot balls from Patel and Broad isn't going to play any strokes he doesn't have to here. Vettori is on for Martin at the other end and is flipped away for one by KP. Broad nicks a single and if these two can last out the day and reach 250, England may still be in with a pretty good chance of winning this match.

"My mate's dad had a Vauxhall Cavalier and the registration number was ADB457Y. It never ceases to amaze me that trivia like that is stored in the memory forever and yet today in the supermarket I forgot what I was there for and had to ring the missus."
Nemo, Strasbourg, in the TMS inbox

0253 - 176-6 And that's KP's ton - not the most elegant way to reach three figures, slicing a drive just past the diving gully fieldsman. That's his 11th Test hundred and it's one of his most important. One thing's for certain, England would be in a seriously dark place without him. That's a crackerjack shot from KP, lacing Martin straight back down the ground for four. Beautiful follow-through, Pietersen will be looking for stacks more where they came from.

0249 - 166-6 Broad playing sensibly, not taking any risks against the spin of Patel. As Sir Boycs just pointed out on TMS, Broad's job will be just to hang about and hope Pietersen "gets a big one".

0244 - 166-6 That's wild from KP, thrashing outside off-stump and missing. He looks to have tweaked something there, but then he's always been a little drama tart. Hey presto, he's fine a couple of balls later and scampers a couple after a nurdle to leg. Martin loses his rag and balloons a wide high over KP's head. Two more for KP courtesy of an on-drive and he's now 98. Martin puts the final ball of the over in the slot, but KP plays an ugly drive and misses out. Sir Geoffrey just claimed that he actually ate his hat once when working for ESPN. This evening gets more and more surreal...

0240 - 159-6 KP nibbles a single to move to within six of his ton. Broad doesn't look as comfortable against the spin of Patel, but he negotiates the over.

"A Viva is a Vauxhall car from the 1970s. With a tail wind, it could almost go uphill."
Alan in the TMS inbox

0236 - 158-6 Martin pops one up outside off-stump and Pietersen plays a rather ugly stroke, shaping to drive through the covers and picking up a single to mid-wicket. Good shot that from Broad, standing tall and flicking Martin off his pads for four. Big chance this for the Notts youngster, and England could do with him hanging about for a session or three.

0230 - 151-6 We have play after tea. Patel is flicked through square for one by Pietersen and there is just one from the first over of the last session. I've had some depressing times chatting about England down the years, but this is pretty near the top of the list. Outclassed by the Kiwis...and Sir Geoffrey has just mentioned the Ashes in 2009...we are going to get absolutely mullered...

"Suddenly Pietersen finds the lion within. What we need as a 'Sporting Nation' is a return to our Imperialistic past with a who dares wins philosophy. Instead of the ever willing to help, just pleased to be here philoshy currently being used."
Bats in the TMS inbox

"Kevin Pietersen has played very well indeed. He's been a true racehorse, winning The Derby, and made all the others look like carthorses..."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS

"A Viva could be one of two things: a very popular family car in the 1970s/1980s or the oral part of an exam where you have to defend your thesis in front of a panel of examiners."
Jo, Sevenoaks, in the TMS inbox

0210 - 150-6 Broad is off the mark with a tickle to fine-leg and Pietersen brings up England's 150 off the final ball before tea from Vettori. KP has 90 of those runs.

0205 - WICKET - Ambrose c Taylor b Patel 11 (Eng 147-6)
Down goes another, Ambrose lunging forward, edging, and Taylor pouching the catch at second slip. This England batting line-up is about as stable as Christopher Biggins at a Chippendales gig. Broad is the new man in the middle and he survives the over.

0200 - 147-5 Big lbw shout from Vettori against Pietersen, but Umpire Koertzen reckons that hit him marginally outside the line, and replays suggest he was right. Big stride as well from KP, and the wry smile from Vettori suggests he knew it too. That's another maiden over and England are moving forward at a funereal pace in Napier.

0156 - 147-5 Vettori tosses one up and KP punches him into the covers for one. Ambrose nicks the strike with a single from the final ball of the over. And that's almost a run out from Patel's over - Ambrose clips to mid-wicket for one and KP is a little bit sluggish getting through, a direct hit from Sinclair might have been interesting. Pietersen takes an easy single to keep the strike.

"It's an oral exam, I think..."
Sarah, Canterbury, in the TMS inbox

0153 - 141-5 Ambrose leans back and misses with an attempted slash outside off-stump but makes amends with a controlled and compact drive through point for two. Anyone know what a Viva is? CMJ and Gus Fraser are banging on about them on the wireless and I haven't got a ruddy clue, it's all gone a bit esoteric on TMS.

0150 - 139-5 Vettori brings himself back on and he continues to mix it up, varying his pace and his angles. Pietersen watchful and that's another maiden over.

"There hasn't been anyone since Bishan Bedi who's had such variation as Daniel Vettori."
Christopher Martin-Jenkins on TMS

"What are the odds now on KP beating the all-time record for the highest percentage of a runs in an innings total? The record, I believe, is still held by Charles Bannerman (67.34%) who scored 165no out of a total of 245 in the first Test match between Australia and England, 1877."
Phil Longwell, Changwon, South Korea in the TMS inbox

0145 - 139-5 Lovely footwork from Pietersen and he creams Patel through mid-off for four. Dreamy. One more for KP before Patel goes back over the wicket to Ambrose and is slashed through imaginary second slip for four. The little off-spinner will be kicking himself there, he'd just taken second slip out.

0139 - 130-5 Just one from Patel's over, a single from Ambrose. Southee still plugging away and England still struggling to score freely off him. Another maiden and he now has 2-31 from 16.

"Pietersen will save the blushes but it is time Vaughan and Strauss went. Joe Denly and James Hildreth are waiting in the wings and the change must take place now if we are to be competitive against the Aussies in 2009. Miserable and grey here in Sydney if that is any consolation to everyone back in England."
Peter Hook in the TMS inbox

0135 - 129-5 Ambrose plays out his first six balls from Patel. Southee drops short and KP thinks he's got four, but a smart bit of fielding from Elliott on the square-leg boundary limits him to two. Two more for Pietersen with a clip off his legs and that's a sight for sore eyes, an absolute jamspangler of a lady doing a sort of Tales of the Unexpected dance on a McLean Park mound. What I'd give to nuzzle her hair at this particular moment in time.

0130 - 125-5 Ambrose, England's Wellington hero, is the new man at the crease, and Southee continues. Pietersen leaves a delivery outside off-stump before suddenly gesturing to the England balcony for a drink, as if he'd suddenly been overcome by a thirst while the ball was on its way towards him. Odd chap, KP...

"Re. coal carrying. Get it balanced on the shoulder, weight just slightly forward. Speak and swear in either Geordie or Welsh. A busty maiden, with beer, at the finishing line helps."
Phil in the TMS inbox

0126 - WICKET - Collingwood c Elliott b Patel 30 (Eng 125-5)
Oh my giddy aunt, England have tossed another wicket away. Patel serves up a fullish delivery and Colly rocks back and carves him straight to Elliott at backward-point. Another gimme for the Kiwis, and Pietersen now has 78 out of 125-5. Odd.

"I think that in the future Kevin Pietersen won't sign a central contract. He'll play for England when selected, keep all his endorsements and keep himself available for whatever other cricket comes up."
Jonathan Agnew on TMS

0121 - 123-4 Four from Pietersen, rifling the ball into the ground and watching it bounce over the head of Southee and run away to the long-off fence. Pietersen drags Southee away for a single before Collingwood flicks him away for one. And that's imperious from KP, standing tall and slathering the youngster through cover-point for another four. Most expensive over of the match so far, 10 from it.

0116 - 113-4 Patel is going to have a go with his off-spinners. Pietersen nurdles him away for one before Collingwood misses one that is tossed up by Patel. No spin, Colly just beaten in the flight. Patel, altering the pace well, spears one down outside Colly's off-peg and the Durham man misses with a rather careless flash.

"My grandfather used to hoist me over his shoulder and shout 'coal for sale!' I was 23 at the time. Not really, he died before I got to 23."
Nadia in the TMS inbox

0112 - 112-4 Collingwood and Pietersen take singles from Elliott's over before Pietersen climbs into an over-pitched delivery from Southee and punches him into the covers for one. Chris in Brussels (see below), you could also add "vomiting onto someone else's shoes on a Tube train, refusing to pay on a bus and buying the kids a KFC bargain bucket for Sunday lunch". Players have a drink.

"I think Chris in Brussels could include 'getting hammered, starting a fight and running away from a minicab' in his English themed weekend. It's how a lot of Englishmen now spend their weekends."
Dale Connolly in the TMS inbox

0104 - 109-4 New Zealand hero Southee is back into the attack and Collingwood works him away to square-leg for one. Anyone ever done any coal-carrying before? I've stupidly entered a coal-carrying contest on Monday and, to be honest, I'm a little bit scared. Not sure about Vaughany's hair today, it's got a touch of the Fiona Shackletons about it, post Heather Mills soaking.

0057 - 108-4 No run from Martin's over and it's Elliott to continue. Just one from his over, a nudge off his hip from Collingwood.

"You got called a schoolboy Ben. That's probably the best age-related compliment you'll receive this year."
TDR in the TMS inbox

"I now live in Brussels, where the Irish put on a fantastic St Paddy's Day weekend. The English contingent, disappointed with the non-event that St George's Day always is, have resolved to put on a weekend celebration of our own. Obviously we'll teach the Belgians and Irish to play park cricket before proceeding to lose to them, but what else should form part of our English weekend?"
Chris Greenwood in the TMS inbox

0054 - 107-4 Consecutive boundaries from Collingwood, the first a cover-drive that brings up England's ton, the second a straighter drive that moves England onto 107-4. Batting looks pretty easy out there at the moment.

0048 - 98-4 Pietersen picks up a single with a nurdle to leg before Martin digs one in short and Colly is on it in a flash, yanking him round the corner for four. Colly moves to 18 from 49, KP has 65 from 95. A shot of Strauss on the balcony - he has the look of a man who's just been told he's being put in a home.

"RE: Trident chewing gum. I am with you on this one. What a joke those Trident things are. There is one flavour which mixes fruit and mint!"
David, Aberdeen, in the TMS inbox

0042 - 93-4 Martin bangs one in short and KP rattles him away to mid-wicket for one. Elliott takes the next over and Collingwood takes just the one single from it.

"I'm like Collingwood - unless the umpire raises his finger, stay there. It's much better batting than watching other people batting..."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS0037 - 91-4 Pietersen tries to work the ball through mid-wicket but Elliott gets the ball to swing and locate the edge of the bat and the ball runs away for four between the wicket-keeper and first slip. KP nicks the strike with a single. Sorry folks, got a bit behind there for a moment, was busy rounding up my Smurfs. Sexist? What's your game John in Venezuela?

0034 - 80-4 Martin is utterly convinced he's got Collingwood caught behind - Colly plays a pull shot and the Kiwis reckon he feathered it behind. Martin goes berserk, as if a hornet has just flown into his pocket, but Umpire Koertzen looks at him as if he's just found him running a key down the side of his brand new Bentley. Martin's not happy - he serves up a nippy bumper to end the over, which Collingwood ducks.

"'Disgruntled from Shirley' (see 2325): Petulant Ben is too busy throwing his toys out the cot and engaging in meaningless schoolboy sexist waffle with a few 'favourites' to actually give an answer. He/she can get coverage from the SKYSPORTS.COM live scorecard Yahoo Eurosports ball-by-ball coverage and Cricket365.com, also ball-by-ball"
John, Venezuela, in the TMS inbox

0029 - 79-4 Ooh, that's a little beauty from Pietersen, planting his front foot and whip-cracking Vettori through the covers for four. One more for KP with a nurdle off his pads before Colly, showing no fear, tip-toes down the track and punches Vettori over the top for another boundary. England settling into a groove...sorry...

0025 - 78-4 KP bags a single to square-leg before Martin gets another to nip back at Collingwood. And that's a stroke of luck for the Durham nugget, edging past imaginary third slip for four. Colly now on nine.

0023 - 69-4 Lovely flight from Vettori and Pietersen is beaten outside off-stump. But that's KP's fifty with a work through square. That's his first half-century in 10 innings, and he won't score a more important one.

0017 - 68-4 Martin gets one to jag back sharply off the seam and tuck Pietersen up. KP then edges one bounce to Taylor at second slip. KP skews a drive through mid-off for two and he now has 46 from 69 balls. Better timing from Pietersen this time, driving Martin through the covers for three.

"Re: 0007 - They're packaged in a 'nutshell'?! If you had a nut allergy, you'd have grounds for legal action there...oh, hang on, that's what's wrong with this country."
Cen in the TMS inbox

0010 - 63-4 Players are back out and we'll have play in a moment...Pietersen defends the first ball from Vettori. KP paddles the third ball of the over for a single before Colly uses his feet to Vettori and slaps him back over his head for four. Good shot that.

"If there has ever been a time for KP to find his old form with a big innings, this is it. A double century should do it. Let's just hope England have done some fielding practice since the last Test, or we could be looking at a right old walloping here..."
Simon in the TMS inbox

0007: And another thing, what the ruddy heck are these 'Trident' chewing gums? All I wanted was a straight down the line, common or garden pack of Wrigley's and the BBC canteen has seen fit to do away with them and bring in these fly-by-night, giant-packeted, mango-flavoured monstrosities. That's everything that's wrong with this country in a nutshell.

"Are Glenn McGrath, Joel Garner and Wasim Akram bowling for New Zealand or are we just rubbish?"
New York Nigel in the TMS inbox

"I fear 'Disgruntled of Shirley' (see below) is actually 'Disgruntled with Shirley' - she grows tired by this time on a Friday night..."
Tim in the TMS inbox

"Re: the hypothetical hoodie attack, are we limited to English cricketers for this? If not, I'll see your Collingwood and raise you one Andre 'Mr Angry' Nel. You can just imagine him bursting out of his clothes David Banner-style and cracking a few skulls at the first hint of chav-based dissent..."
Jason, Norfolk, in the TMS inbox

2332 - 58-4 Last over before lunch. By the way, the Kiwis are wearing black armbands in memory of former skipper Merv Wallace, who recently passed away. He played in 13 Tests between 1937 and 1953. Collingwood blocks out the final six balls and that was one of the most harrowing first mornings of a Test in recent memory. I'm off for a couple of growlers, see you after lunch...

2325 - 58-4 Southee drops short and Pietersen brings up England's fifty with a pull for one. Collingwood defends the rest of the over. Pietersen moves to 39 with a paddle-sweep for four off Vettori before plonking one foot down the track and slog-sweeping Vettori to the mid-wicket fence. Disgruntled of Shirley (see below) - in answer to your question, no, you really don't have to rely on my haphazard description and knowledge of the cricket.

"Hello there. Is there a site that I can get just the description of what is happening in the actual play of the cricket and not the extra stuff you include? Do I really have to rely on your haphazard description and knowledge of the cricket?"
Disgruntled of Shirley in the TMS inbox

2318 - 49-4 Pietersen clips Southee off his pads for a couple. A couple more for Pietersen with a tickle to long-leg before he opens his shoulders and clobbers Southee through the covers for four. Ollie Woods emails in to tell me it's Curly Wurly, not Curly Whirly...I can only apologise Ollie...Good Lord Vettori is an irritating little blighter with ball in hand - that's another maiden and he's got 0-9 from 5 overs.

2314 - 41-4 Vettori, left-arm round, continues to probe and alter his pace and there's just one run from his over, a clip to long-on from Pietersen. With a new man at the crease, Southee's going to have another blast before lunch.

2308 - WICKET - Bell c&b Elliott 9 (Eng 36-3)
England really up to their necks in it now, and what a dopey old shot that was from Bell. A short ball from the military medium Elliott and Bell slaps it straight back to him. Collingwood is England's last recognised batsman and guess what? He's off the mark with a nurdle to square-leg for one. KP picks up three with a delightful flick through mid-on.

2307 - 36-3 Pietersen sweeps Vettori for a single before Bell picks up one with an inside-edge. Two more for Pietersen courtesy of another sweep and he picks up another couple with the same stroke.

2302 - 30-3 More dibbly-dobblers from Elliott, who is about as threatening as Dr Rowan Williams in a slightly bad mood. Madien over. Harmison is now flat on his back on the sofa with his head in his hands - he looks like he's just stumbled in from a heavy night on the sauce. He wouldn't get away with hogging the sofa like that in my gaff, he'd get a knee in the jaffers.

2256 - 30-3 Elliott over-pitches and Bell times him into the covers for two. Bell is so very, very fresh faced. I couldn't think of a worse man to be accompanied by on a train while under attack from a gang of hoodies. I reckon Collingwood would be double-hard in a situation like that and bust some heads, but not Belly. Vettori follows up with a maiden.

2254 - 28-3 Pietersen uses his feet to Vettori and whips him to mid-wicket for a couple. Vettori tosses his next delivery up, to the delight of Sir Boycs, and that's a typically probing first over from the Kiwi skipper.

"Steve McClaren, meet Peter Moores. Peter Moores, meet Steve McClaren. What's that you say? You already know each from the employment forum 'How to win a job with no qualifications'?"
Walter in the TMS inbox

2250 - 26-3 McCullum comes up to the stumps to the gentle Elliott. Pietersen eases Elliott into the covers for a few, and that's the only scoring shot of the over. It's time for a spot of Vettori...

2245 - 23-3 Pietersen plays and misses at a Martin delivery before flicking him away for one into the leg-side. Doesn't really look like a world-class sportsman, Martin, more like a gardener or tree surgeon. There's Harmison lounging about on a sofa on the England balcony as Bell plays the best shot of the day so far, a well-timed cover-drive for four.

"Charlie Dimmock always struck me as a nice lass. Apart from her gnarled Man-Hands, that is."
Ross, CT, in the TMS inbox

2242 - 18-3 Debutant Grant Elliott is into the attack and judging from his first two deliveries, he's in the mould of Paul Collingwood as a bowler. Pietersen collects a single from the over while Bell remains becalmed - just 2 from 37 balls so far from the Warwickshire man.

"I'm sitting here with my Kiwi partner watching the nightmare that is England's batting. He says it's time I got NZ citizenship. Should I do it or will England manage to improve on this first hour?"
Samantha, London, in the TMS inbox

2237 - 17-3 Martin drops short and Pietersen drags him away for a couple. Bell drives sweetly but it is fielded well in the covers. Just one from Martin's over - in school bullying terms, the Kiwis have got England pinned in the corner of the cloakroom, they've nicked their Wham bars and Curly Whirlies and they're giving them a damn good thrashing.

"Vaughan gets ruthless and drops Harmy and Hoggy, yet a quick look at his own scores in NZ show he's score 159 runs in eight innings, or an average of less than 20. Who gets ruthless and drops Vaughan? Seriously, will his captaincy warrant his place in the side come the summer?"
Guy, Fleet, in the TMS inbox

2230 - 15-3 One for KP with a work into the leg-side before Southee shows the first signs of fatigue with a looping wide outside off-stump. Wicket-keeper and slips go up for a leg-before next ball, but Southee was rather less enthusiastic and Umpire Koertzen is similarly unimpressed. Players have a drink...make mine a WKD and Drambuie...

"This is this the worst start to a Test match that I can recall in 50 years of watching/listening - reverse the batting order and let a few sloggers put something on the board, this England team is pure rubbish, send in the women's team. They would score more and be more interesting to watch!"
Malcolm Johnson, Canada, in the TMS inbox

2225 - 14-3 Bell is beaten again outside off-stump. Just the three slips and a gully in place for Bell, despite England's precarious position - I'd have thought they'd have at least one more. Another maiden from Martin and this is torturous stuff.

2221 - 14-3 Bell clips a single down to long-leg but young Southee is really getting plenty of movement out there and he squares Pietersen up with one that hoops away slightly. Southee, who really has his dander up, tests Pietersen out with a spot of chin music, but KP decides against the hook shot. Figures of 2-4 from six overs so far from the debutant. Impressive.

"Pass the red wine...I need to numb the pain."
Sarah, Canterbury, in the TMS inbox

2218 - 13-3 Just one from Southee's over, a clip off his pads from Pietersen, before Kp wallops the first four of the innings, an toppy pull off the bowling of Martin. Not the most convincing of strokes from KP, and he very nearly loses his off-peg a couple of balls later, shouldering arms to one that nipped back quite some distance. KP then plays a wild and windy waft outside off and is beaten. Very dicey times these for England. Our office has just been shaken by one of the most ludicrous outbursts in the history of sport: "I don't actually think Tiger Woods is that good, he's just extremely lucky" said the man to my right. Shockingly, he's sometimes called upon to write about golf.

"There are only two words for England right now: Plonkers and Muppets."
Josh, London, in the TMS inbox

2210 - 8-3 What a load of old rubbish this is. A quick flick through the television schedules reveals I could be watching River Walks With Charlie Dimmock. I wonder if she still eschews a bra? Bell picks up an easy single with a drop into the covers. That has to be it for Strauss for now, barring a 30-ball match-winning ton in the second innings.

2206 - 7-3 Southee continues to turn the screw with another maiden. One rather half-hearted lbw appeal, but Bell survive. "This is the Test where England's top order open the floodgates" said Paul Collingwood earlier this week. Or maybe he was referring to England's long-suffering fans, jibbering and cowering under duvets around the globe.

2159 - WICKET - Cook b Martin 2 (Eng 4-3)
AND ANOTHER! Good grief, this is all a little bit embarrassing. Cook plays all round a straight one and plays on. Not sure what Cook was playing at there, there was a gap about the width of Pietersen's ego between bat and pad. We now have Pietersen and Bell at the crease, and thet have the mother of all patch-ups on their hands. Bell is off the mark with a turn into leg-side and Pietersen gets off the dreaded duck with a flick to mid-on for two. Unfortunately, Sir Boycs wasn't on air when those wickets went down, although word reaches me that he's repeatedly smashing his own fingers in a car door.

2155 - WICKET - Strauss c How b Southee 0 (Eng 4-2)
Deary, deary me, Straussy is in some diabolical nick - he drives and edges and How takes a good catch diving low to his left in the gully. What a debut for the 19-year-old, England in tatters.

2150 - 4-1 Cook reaches for a wide one from Martin and is beaten. That wouldn't have been a clever stroke playing against his seven-year-old cousin in his back yard, let alone in the first 20 minutes of a deciding Test match.

"To Jonathan Canvey Island - a quick Wikipedia search of English Test players reveals James Southerton, who played for England in 1877."
Andrew, London, in the TMS inbox

2143 - WICKET- Vaughan lbw b Southee 2 (Eng 4-1)
Six balls right in the slot from Martin, but no gremlins for the left-handed Cook. But Southee does for Vaughan with his 11th ball in Test cricket, trapping the England skipper plumb in front with a straight one that Vaughan just played all round. Umpire Koertzen took an age to raise his arm, he's like a human JCB. Strauss survives the final ball of the over, but that's a pony old start for the tourists.

"RE: five nights of sofa action in Amsterdam...I believe I know what this is. I've occasionally inadvertantly browsed down past BBC1 on Sky Digital, and witnessed young ladies on sofas wearing an amount of clothes completely inappropriate to deal with the Western European winter."
Jason, Norfolk, in the TMS inbox

2137 - 4-0 Here's debutant Southee and his first ball, a slightly tentative one, is bang on the spot. Vaughan turns him away for a couple off his hip but Southee gets one to lift and hoop away from Vaughan next ball. Vaughan, playing half forward, is then beaten by a jaffer of an outswinger. Vaughan then goes to leave one but gets wood on it and that was a very promising first Test over from the 19-year-old. Did I tell you I sparred with Britain's only ever amateur world champion this week? No? Well, I sparred with Britain's only ever world champion this week in Sheffield. Frankie Gavin - a cheeky little bleeder.

2134 - 2-0 YESSSS! CONGRATULATIONS JON FROM EPPING! He spotted my traditional first over deliberate mistake. England's openers are of course Vaughan and Cook. A spot of Jerusalem as Vaughan takes guard. The Barmy Army bugler seems to have forgotten his cornet, it sounded as if he was playing that on a paper and comb. Plenty of lift from Martin from his first two deliveries, McCullum taking them at waist height. Cook, however, is off the mark with a couple through point.

"I find myself asking if Tim Southee is the first Test match player with a compass point in his name? Did Tim Weston play Test cricket? I'd appreciate some input."
Jonathan, Canvey Island, in the TMS inbox

"It's a pretty ground apart from the floodlights, which are the sort of things you get surrounding a prison."
Jonathan Agnew on TMS

2125:Dutch Bird (see below), Harmison and Hoggard strike me as the type who'd mope about sea-front arcades in their spare time, tabbing and trying to win fluffy animals with one of those mechanical hands. Of more interest, what does "five nights of sofa action in Amsterdam" entail? Of even more interest, here come Vaughan and Cook - we'll have play in a couple.

"Another potential five nights of sofa action here in Amsterdam. I just hope the play is more Wellington and less Hamilton. What do you think Hoggy and Harmy will be getting up to during the Test as they are somewhat unlikely to get 12th man duties?"
Dutch Bird (aka Kate, Amsterdam) in the TMS inbox

2122: Big pressure on Andrew Strauss this morning in Napier - another low score and he could be out of the team for the first summer Test back in Blighty. The Boycs

"When you get in, somebody's got to make a big hundred. This is the opportunity, the weather's good, the wicket's nice, we should be making big runs. There's no excuse, they have to do better and talk about putting 500 on the board."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS

2112: Bit of background on this young fella Southee: he has only played 11 first-class matches and taken 41 wickets at 25.63. He can also bat a little and has a highest first-class knock of 75. A lot of chat about Kevin Pietersen before this Test: the big man hasn't scored a 50 in 10 Test innings, so he's due one hell of a dig. And, of course, it's Stephen Fleming's Test swansong, and most England fans wouldn't begrudge him a ton as part of an England win.

2104: While England are unchanged from the second Test, there are three changes in the Kiwi side. Tim Southee, 19, makes his Test match debut, as does all-rounder Grant Elliott. Spinner Jeetan Patel is also included.

"History suggests it plays well for a few days in Napier and hopefully we can put a few runs on the board and put New Zealand under pressure. The top order hasn't fired as we would have liked so hopefully we can put that right today."
England skipper Michael Vaughan

"Obviously we would have liked to have batted first, it looks like a great deck. We saw what fresh legs did for England and we hope our chages can do the same for our side."
New Zealand skipper Daniel Vettori

2100: Hello and welcome to day one of the deciding Test between New Zealand and England in Napier. Spanking day according to Jonathan Agnew on TMS, and he reckons this pitch has got "stacks of runs" in it.

New Zealand: Jamie How, Matthew Bell, Stephen Fleming, Mathew Sinclair, Ross Taylor, Grant Elliott, Brendon McCullum (wk), Daniel Vettori (capt), Tim Southee, Jeetan Patel, Chris Martin

England: Alastair Cook, Michael Vaughan (capt), Andrew Strauss, Kevin Pietersen, Ian Bell, Paul Collingwood, Tim Ambrose (wk), Stuart Broad, Ryan Sidebottom, Monty Panesar, James Anderson