England lost Alastair Cook and Matthew Hoggard late on day two of the first Test to close on 87-2 after New Zealand punished innocuous bowling to make 470.

Ross Taylor hit 120 as he added 148 with Daniel Vettori (88), with Hoggard and Steve Harmison struggling badly.

Ryan Sidebottom (4-90) took two wickets in two balls to wrap up the innings.

Michael Vaughan (44no) and Cook (38) played solidly until Cook mis-timed a pull off Chris Martin, who saw Hoggard edge to slip to end a difficult day.

By Ben Dirs

Get involved. E-mail tms@bbc.co.uk (with 'For Ben Dirs' in the subject), text 81111 (with "CRICKET" as the first word) or use 606 between 0900-2300 GMT. (Not all contributions can be used).

ENGLAND FIRST INNINGS

CLOSE

0443 - 87-2 Strauss concentrates hard and blocks out the first five balls of Martin's over and is off the mark from the final ball of the day. That's stumps folks. I'm not going to lie to you, it hasn't been riveting stuff, but those two late wickets for New Zealand have spiced things up a bit. Poor bowling from England, a couple of fine digs from Taylor and Vettori and some decent bowling from the hosts at the death. Thanks for reading, thanks for getting involved and I'll see you all soon.

0440 - 86-2 Vettori really mixing it up against Vaughan and he very nearly gets one through a very tentative forward defensive. Just the two overs remaining in the day.

"Did you know? Refuse and recycling crews make more than five million collections every year. Every week we collect enough waste to fill up to the top row of seats at Fratton Park."
Neil Matthews in the TMS inbox

0434 - WICKET - Hoggard c Fleming b Martin 2 (Eng 86-2)
Don't get this nightwatchman business, especially when your nightwatchman is Matthew Hoggard. Good delivery from Martin and Hoggard nibbles it to old bucket hands Fleming at first slip. Strauss is the new batsman and he pulls his bat inside the line of his first ball faced. The Middlesex man survives the over.

0431 - 86-1 Big lbw shout from Vettori against Vaughan, but the umpire presumably thought he got some wood on it. That said, Hawkeye shows it hit his pad first and would have knocked over all three.

"Daniella Westbrook, Jodie Marsh, Jade Goody...strange how they're all female. I'll throw Pete Doherty in for good measure."
Fiona in the TMS inbox

"On the other side of the border it is well up in the thirties and excrutiatingly hot. The mention of that Penguin has made the stomach grumble. Can't get any of that sort of thing over here. Although the local shops have been known to sport a few Waitrose products of late."
Lachlan Kerr, Malaysia, in the TMS inbox

0424 - WICKET - Cook c Sub b Martin 38 (Eng 84-1)
And New Zealand have the breakthrough, Cook going for the pull and skying the shot to sub fielder Horsley running in from deep square-leg. Hoggard is England's nightwatchman and it will be a minor miracle if he survives this session. He just manages to squeeze out his first ball faced and he's under way with a rather stylish flick to square-leg.

0422 - 84-0 That, I believe, is the first boundary from Vettori's bowling, Vaughan sweeping him for four. A single apiece from Vaughany and Cook and I think it's time for a game during the final overs: who can think of someone who represents all that's gone wrong with England more than Kerry Katona?

0418 - 78-0 Seven overs remain. Martin digs one in short and Cook tucks him away for one. Two for Vaughan with a flick off his pads before Vaughan fences at one outside off-stump. A single for Vaughany as Neil Matthews emails in and implores me to purchase 'Potty, Fartwell & Knob' by Russell Ash. 'Extraordinary but true names of British People'. No idea why...

0414 - 74-0 That's a doozy of a drive from Cook, freeing the arms and lacing Martin through the covers for four. Fascinating watching Vettori bowl, plenty of variation from the Kiwi skipper. If he was a newsreader, he'd be Peter Sissons.

"Normally I feel quite smug about living in the tropics while it's chilly season in Blighty, but today it's grey and drizzly in Singapore for the third day running, the air con is set to Baltic and I could murder a can of apple Tango and a bag of salt and vinegar crisps..."
Vics, Singapore, in the TMS inbox

0408 - 69-0 Not much you can say about any of Vettori's overs to be honest - he's spearing them down and England are defending. Vaughan does nick a single courtesy of a sweep.

"If anyone knows where the Pink Panther is, let us know. He followed England tours for years but has suddenly disappeared."
Jonathan Agnew on TMS

0403 - 69-0 Martin serves up six dot balls and the Barmy Army are going absolutely mental. Hate to think what they'd be doing if Vaughan and Cook were hitting it to all parts. Lopping off each others' ears and wearing them as necklaces?

"It's games like this that make you pray for a streaker or two to liven things up. Any chance of the man in the monkey suit stripping off do you think?"
Fiona, Sydney, in the TMS inbox

0359 - 68-0 This is about as gripping as a greasy pole. Vettori reckons he's got Vaughan leg before, however, but Umpire Davis disagrees. Another maiden over from Vettori and Martin is back into the attack.

"Dan King? (see below) Sounds like somewhere the Americans landed in Vietnam."
Dave Smith, Shrewsbury, in the TMS inbox

0354 - 68-0 Just one run from Vettori's over, a sweep from Cook who moves to 29. Cook drives compactly through the covers for three before waiting on one and nurdling Patel to mid-wicket for one. A no-ball from Patel and Bryan Waddle on TMS, disgusted, reckons there should be free hits in Test cricket for over-stepping the mark.

0345 - 63-0 Thick outside edge from Cook for one. Not the most gripping Test match this, and I can't help thinking that producing tracks like this can't be god for cricket. Another single off the bowling of Patel and there's Harmison again, still sitting on his own in the plastic garden chair while his mates share a few laughs on the England balcony. Wonder if they're picking on him? Mustard strikes me as the type of man who'd draw a chalk phallus on the back of his tracksuit.

"Re: Farouk, Hong Kong. Very witty, very witty indeed. Ben, how come every time I have emailed you in the past about how funny your name is you completely ignore me."
Dan King, Newcastle, NSW, in the TMS inbox

0338 - 59-0 Just one from Vettori's over and, on second viewing, that Fleming 'drop' actually landed just in front of him. Cook sweeps Patel for one before Vaughan moves elegantly to 33 with a flick to the mid-wicket fence. Players have a sup.

0332 - 53-0 Vettori into the attack and his first over is a maiden. We have spin at both ends now. And that's a drop at first slip, Patel locating the edge of Vaughan's bat and Fleming shelling a low one. Tricky one, but you need to take them on a pitch like this. That's a class shot from Vaughan, showing the maker's name, holding the pose and watching the ball race away for four. Two more for Vaughan with a drive through the covers.

"Ben, you can have the clay head (apologies to any viewers from the Stoke area) and I'll entertain the woman, stick or no stick."
Richard, Perth, Western Australia, in the TMS inbox

0327 - 47-0 Really giving it some flight Patel as Vettori brings in a gully. He drops one slightly short and is nurdled into the leg-side by Vaughan, but it's fielded at short-leg. Extraordinary! Matthew Bell has been struck a blow at short-leg and is off for treatment! Bit of claret on the index finger. Apparently Ian Bell was also struck in the 21st over of New Zealand's innings! Truth be known, I'm a little bit bored.

"While Listening to the cricket I decided to record a demo for my drum and bass djing - I think the cricket inspired me to do my best mix ever and the final Black Cap wickets fell during my mixing. Therefore I think this is a very special mix and should be used to mentally prepare the England cricket team before they go out and play cricket each day. What do you think?"
Steve Baynes, Birmingham Uni, in the TMS inbox

0322 - 47-0 A couple for Cook with a push to point and I have to disagree with Aggers on TMS: while he seems to like the fact that it's all very peaceful at Seddon Park, I rather think it has all the atmosphere of a squash court. Cook fences and is beaten by Oram.

0318 - 45-0 There's that chap dressed up as a monkey again, swigging a beer and leaning on the picket boundary fence as if it's the most normal thing in the world to do. Which it isn't, it's actually a bit odd on a sunny day in Hamilton, especially as he did it yesterday as well. Cook turns off his legs for one before Patel lobs up five dot balls.

"I've just had a conversation with a colleague of mine about the Andrew Symonds shoulder charge on the streaker at the Gabba on Tuesday night. It was suggested in reports that he shouldn't have gone anywhere near the streaker as you don't know how dangerous someone entering the field of play could be. Can anyone tell me what's frightening about a naked man running at you?"
Mark, Melbourne, in the TMS inbox

0316 - 44-0 Bowls about 80mph Oram, which isn't that pacy, but it's also about the same speed as Harmison's been bowling in this match. Talk of the devil, there is Harmy, sitting alone in a white plastic garden chair and wearing the face of a man who has just been told he's being put in a home. Oram gives Vaughan some width and Vaughan laces him through the covers for four.

0311 - 40-0 Big lbw shout by Patel against Cook, but it looked to have hit him outside the line. Cook rubs Patel's nose in it with a dreamy drive through the covers for four.

0308 - 36-0 Bell batting at five apparently, so that hand must be fine. Oram may be a big man but he trots up to the crease like...like...I can't think of anything, sorry...Vaughan picks up a couple with a clip to mid-wicket.

"Look here Bender(s), when I send in witty text messages and your colleague Mark Mitchener is umpiring, I have an average of 100. With you umpiring, all I have to show for it is a string of ducks. What's up with you? Have you not inherited your parents obvious sense of humour?"
Farouk, Hong Kong, in the TMS inbox

0305 - 33-0 Oram is into the attack and there's just one from his opening over, an inside edge to fine-leg. Aggers is a Lionel Richie man, apparently. If Richie danced on my ceiling, I'd smash him in the face with that giant clay head from the Hello video. Patel has another over and he deceives Vaughan outside off-stump - the England skipper didn't know whether to come forward or back. Plenty of drift from Patel and he's looking pretty dangerous here.

"Just got a stern ticking-off from my boss after being observed on the internet all morning following your commentrary. Apparently, this is not a productive use of company time. Well that's me told. I'm off to the kitchen for a cuppa and a biscuit and a gaze out the window to have a long think about whether pensions really is for me."
Chris in Limbo, Sydney, in the TMS inbox

0255 - 32-0 Time for a bit of spin, and it's Patel in only his second Test. Bit of turn from Patel, which is no mean feat on this deck, it's like bowling on a strip of chewing gum. Does that even make sense? Big lbw shout from Patel and it was a good one, despite Cook's stride. Umpire Davis is a definite not-outer.

"I'd say Jon Snow had the Vaughan air about him as the newsreader most likely to talk about himself in the third person."
Gareth, Durham, in the TMS inbox

0250 - 32-0 Mills gives Cook a bit of width and Cook carves him through the covers for four. Cooky flips Mills round the corner for one to move to 17 and players take drinks.

"I passed someone on their way to lectures today who was smoking a pipe. I can't explain why but it was the most surreal thing I've seen in a while."
Gareth in the TMS inbox

0246 - 27-0John, Middlesex (see below), not sure about that fella. I would say Sir Trevor McDonald is more of a Freddie Flintoff - it's something about the way he shuffles his papers. Vaughan and Cook exchange singles before Vaughan stands tall and punches Martin into the covers for two.

"I think whats his face Trevor McD at News at Ten would argue his style is a better comparison with Cook's at ease batting style than George Alagiah. Alagiah is smooth but Mc Trev looks like he's on holiday when presenting."
John, Middlesex, in the TMS inbox

0242 - 23-0 Cook nurdles a couple to leg and picks up one more to a similar area. But Mills then gets a couple past Cook's bat - the Essex man fending at the first and playing a rather windy attacking stroke at the second. Maiden over.

"I'm willing to bet a Penguin biscuit that Vaughan and Cook beat the recent South African opening partnership against Bangladesh. Any takers? It's orange flavoured."
Matt, York, in the TMS inbox

0234 - 20-0 Five dot balls from Mills before Vaughan sqeezes two runs into the off-side. Me and a mate were thinking of entering the World Pipe-Smoking Championship in June until we discovered it's been cancelled because of the smoking ban. Apparently it's OK to walk about city centres in a tracksuit intimidating people with your English bull terrier, but you're not allowed to puff on a pipe for a couple of hours in a deerstalker. Remarkable.

"Ben, have people gone silent in respect of all the people in Hamilton with the 'silent' disease. Apparently, Hamilton is the chlamydia capital of NZ."
John in the TMS inbox

0229 - 18-0 Crackerjack stroke from Cook, on-driving Martin for four with the minimum of fuss. Very unfussy player Cook, he is to cricketers what George Alagiah is to newsreading. One more for the Essex lad, who squeezes a Martin delivery out into the off-side. Vaughan fends the leg to steal the strike.

0224 - 12-0 Snorter from Mills who gets one to jag back and cut Vaughan in half. Vaughan is beaten again outside the off-stump. Good contest this, but New Zealand will want to rip a couple out early here before this pair get set. Not sure to be honest Gary (see below), maybe you should ask the Bearded Wonder. I would do it myself, but he's got his feet up in Hamilton while I'm in a dank office in West London. News reaches me that Bell is fit to bat today, which is nothing short of remarkable given that he had a bump the size of an ostrich egg on his right hand yesterday.

"Lovely commentary Ben. An hour of work to go so I'll watch the last bit. I assume Taylor is the first Samoan to score a Test century?"
Gary in the TMS inbox

0219 - 12-0 Maiden over from Martin. The emails have dried up. I didn't really want you to go to bed. Want to see something funny? Watch this.

0216 - 12-0 Vaughan plays with soft hands and angles Mills down to the third-man fence. Two more for Vaughan with a turn off his pads and a other couple with a steer to backward-square.

0212 - 4-0 Looks like a scene from the Royle Family on the England balcony, Strauss and Mustard lounging about on that big green sofa, the Colonel, with his feet up, taking on the Ricky Tomlinson role. Martin really nagging away at Cook - he gets one to lift and rap Cook on the thigh and Cook fishes at the last ball of the over and is beaten. Nervy start from Cook, good seam-bowling from Martin.

0206 - 4-0Mary (see below): dunno, do you have a webcam? Arnie Sidebottom has just revealed on TMS that his hair used to be longer than Ryan's. I always thought Arnie looked a bit like Bernard Cribbins. Mills shares the new ball and Vaughan is off the mark with a punch into the covers. That's a beauty from Mills, angling one across Cook who is beaten. Cook nicks the strike with a nurdle to leg for one.

"Do I have to streak to get a mention in TMS this evening Mr Dirs?"
Mary, ignored in Sussex, in the TMS inbox

0205 - 2-0 Players are out after tea and Martin will bowl the first delivery to Cook. Cook covers up but there's a bit of bite in the second and Cook nibbles to just in front of second slip. Cooky is off the mark with a steer to backward-point for two. Martin already quicker than any of England's bowlers - 86mph. Keith (see below), can't tell you where Benny Hawes is, but I can tell you that they've demolished the statue of Edmund Campion in front of the school and erected one of Benny instead. He looks magnificent in a ruff.

NEW ZEALAND FIRST INNINGS

"When I'm down I imagine im the mouse-catching bloke who's just done the rounds on our floor at work. What a job that must be at 0140am."
Dave in Brum (again) in the TMS inbox

"Ben. Further to you excellent advice to Andy of Nottingham (see below), do you think there is there a window of opportunity for me to pop to the Khazi? Not a big job, but I can hardly tear myself away from the text."
David Stanton, Hong Kong, in the TMS inbox

0140 - WICKET - Martin b Sidebottom 0 (NZ 470)
That's a wrap, Martin missing a straight one and losing his off-stump. Sidebottom finishes with figures of 4-90, and he was by far England's best bowler. Without him, I reckon New Zealand might have got 9,000. An early tea apparently, see you in 30.

"England are terrible. Where's Benny Hawes when you need him?"
Keith Haberlin in the TMS inbox

0138 - WICKET - Patel c Strauss b Sidebottom 5 (NZ 470-9)
Another wicket down, Sidebottom serving up a tempter and Patel, feet in chewing gum, wafting and feathering to Strauss at first slip. Martin is the Kiwi number 11, and he averages 2.46 in 33 matches. You know when people look at professional sportsmen and say, "I could do better than that"? Well, I reckon I probably could.

0135 - 469-8 Colly hurries Patel up with a bit of rib music and Patel picks up a single with a fend into the leg side. Colly drops one short and Mills yanks him through mid-wicket for four. I sense a certain melancholy out in email land. Chin up folks: when I'm down, I always imagine I'm Kerry Katona and I'm right as rain in a couple of minutes.

"Yeah. Monty attempting something different like round the wicket, but what about flighting the damn thing to allow it to spin? His deliverys are as flat as my enthusiasm."
Dave, Brum, in the TMS inbox

0130 - 463-8 Harmison plonks one in short outside off and Mills marmalises him through point for four. And again from Harmy - rank long-hop and Mills fills his boots. Andy, Nottingham (see below) - give up and go to bed.

0123 - WICKET - Vettori c Strauss b Collingwood 88 (NZ 451-8)
Colly makes the breakthrough for England, Vettori rather inexplicably opening the face and lollipopping a catch to Strauss at slip. Good knock from Vettori, but he'll be furious at the manner of his dismissal. Patel is the new man and he plays a glorious shot to get off the mark, skipping down the pitch and whipping wristily through mid-wicket for four.

"Ben, from what you can see of the game and how it's gone so far, is it worth staying up for or do I just give up and go to bed?"
Andy, Nottingham, in the TMS inbox

0120 - 451-7 Harmy really puts the fear of God into Vettori with his first ball which passes about three feet outside his off-stump at about 75mph. Ambrose muffs it and there's one bye. A single for Vettori before Harmy drops short and is crashed away for four through mid-wicket by Mills. David Lloyd on Sky has just commented on how alarming it is that number 9 Mills is playing Harmison so comfortably.

0113 - 446-7 Vettori drives Colly to mid-off for a single. Dave Wallace (see below), did you and your son do that thing they do in musicals where they jump in the air and kick their heels together as they disappear into the distance? Players have a drink and we get a spot of Cha Cha Cha on the PA. Harmy's back on.

"I liked a flat batting pitch, but I like cricket pitches where there's a bit in it for the bowlers and which makes it a contest. This isn't god for cricket."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS

"I saw Hal Prince's production of Sweeney Todd (c.1976). I remember that afterwards my son and I danced down Drury Lane chanting: 'I'll tell you a tale of Sweeney Todd, He served a dark and a jealous god - Sweeney Todd!' Anyone for a late-night meat pie?"
David Wallace, Toledo, Spain, in the TMS inbox

0107 - 445-7 Panesar back into the attack and he's swept for four by Mills. Monty reverts to round the wicket (at least he's trying things) and there are no more runs from the over. Vic Marks on TMS is perplexed as to why they are persisting with Collingwood. "Who else have they got?" asks Bryan Waddle, and he has a very good point.

"Went to see Sweeney Todd a while back at the request of the good lady. Not being interested in that sort of thing, I was unaware that it was a musical, instead expecting similar fare to 'From Hell'. By about 15 minutes in, my surprise at the constant singing had turned to annoyance, and later on, downright rage. I spent the entire journey home sulking at the fact she had knowingly coerced me into going to see a musical, which is just not on."
Jason, Norfolk, in the TMS inbox

0103 - 441-7 Collingwood gets a bit of away drift now and Mills glides him down to third-man for a couple. Mills looks like he can bat a bit and he nicks the strike with a steer to backward-point.

"Right Benedict, I'm off to bed unless England provide any sort of reason for staying up to listen to this turgid nonsense. Sort it out."
Nadia in the TMS inbox

0100 - 438-7 That's a maiden over from King Kev. Thank you for your fascinating email about the green sofas on the England balcony Dave (see below). I found 10p once...

"The green sofas those guys are sitting on are probably from the current advertising campaign for The National Bank, which was a subsidiary of Lloyds Bank - black horse and all - and was purchased from Lloyds TSB by ANZ Bank in December 2003. The National Bank are sponsors for cricket in New Zealand."
Dave, Hamilton, in the TMS inbox

0058 - 438-7 Vettori flips Colly away for one before Colly strays onto Mills' legs and is clipped to long-leg for one. Decent lbw before shout from the Durham man, but Umpire Davis, rightly, says it was drifting down leg.

0053 - 435-7 Vettori has a look at Pietersen for a couple of deliveries before clattering him for two successive deliveries, one swept to backward square-leg, the second whipped through mid-wicket. KP then has a very respectable lbw shout turned down by Umpire Harper and I'm really not sure why. "You are allowed to give lbws," quips KP as he walks back to his mark.

0049 - 426-7 That Taylor knock took 235 deliveries and included 18 fours. Collingwood to continue and he's getting a spot in drift into the right-handed Mills. Anyone seen that musical Sweeney Todd? I left the cinema thinking it was quite good, but then proceeded to sing that nice song from Willy Wonka all the way home because it was on an advert before the film. So I'm now thinking it couldn't have been that good after all.

0041 - WICKET - Taylor c&b Pietersen 120 (NZ 425-7)
Pietersen makes the breakthrough! Taylor attempts to heave him over mid-wicket, skies one and is pouched by KP. The partnership was 148, and it only took Pietersen two balls to snap it. Mills is the new man and he's got a first-class ton to his name. Plenty of loop from KP, and more turn than Panesar has been getting.

0037 - 423-6 Taylor plants his front foot and flashes Sidebottom through the covers for one. Two more singles from the over and we're going to have a spot of KP.

0032 - 418-6 Vettori goes macho and clatters Panesar over the wide long-on fence before slipping on the kid gloves and feathering Monty down to the third-man boundary. Lovely stuff. Reminds me of the time I asked Colin Montgomerie for a bit of advice about putting: "When you're holding the putter, just imagine you're cradling a small bird". And with that, he was off. I thought I was just breaking my wrists or something. God England are mediocre.

0029 - 407-6 Two for Vettori before he strokes Sidebottom through the off-side, on the up, for four. Vettori yanks a short ball from Sidebottom away for one before Siders finds the edge of Taylor's bat, but the ball dribbles to gully.

0022 - 400-6 Vettori given a little space outside off-stump and he punches Sidebottom into the covers for one. Bit of needle from Sidebottom, digging one in and forcing Taylor into line on the back foot. Vettori picks up Panesar outside leg-stump and deposits him to the mid-wicket fence. Two more for Vettori courtesy of an extraordinary bit of fielding off his own bowling from Monty, who aims for the stumps and ends up throwing the ball to cover-point. One more for Vettori and that's his fifty, the Kiwi 400 and a new seventh-wicket partnership for New Zealand against England of 123.

0017 - 392-6 Five Norris on the Spot balls and a leg-side one which is tickled to the long-leg fence. The England lads have got a nice green sofa up on the balcony, actually, they've got a couple, which is lovely.

0013 - 388-6 Taylor plays a wild and windy woosh outside off-stump and Ambrose looks to the sky and gives an anguished look. Taylor steals the strike with a single from the final ball.

"All these Limericks, but what of the Clerihew? Discuss. It's lines, AABB, with the subject's name as the first line. e.g. Ben Dirs, Would write far worse, If he didn't persist, In the face of cricket purists. I think there's scope for plenty more, I'd like to see one for CMJ."
Ian Brightwell, formerly of Southern Sudan, now of London, in the TMS inbox

0009: Players are out after the interval and we'll have play in a second. I see David Haye has pulled out of the pre-fight press conference, which, unless you're one of the 17 people still interested in boxing in the world, will mean absolutely nothing to you.

"I wish everyone would stop touting Harmison about as some kind of wonderful enigma that might just burst into life at any moment. Harmy couldn't polish off a light two-course dinner of rabbit followed by wannabe duck on this showing, so what chance has he of getting close to ousting players the likes of which he hasnt gotten out for months, save by way of injudicious shots and unceremonious slogging?"
Tom in the TMS inbox

"I'm looking forward to a whole night of cricket action but I'm also trying to do an essay due in tomorrow. If anyone owns an English Translation of Yuri Olesha's 1927 'Envy' and they fancy driving it down to Nottingham then I'd be grateful. Failing that, anyone know of an on-line full unedited translation that I've missed?"
Ashley, Nottingham, in the TMS inbox

"Rob (see below), Did you by any chance have a lady teacher?"
Chrissy, North Notts, in the TMS inbox

2327 - 387-6 Sidebottom sticks one in the slot and Taylor thumps him through the covers for four. Pietersen was the observer there, and I think that might be the first time I've mentioned his name in this Kiwi innings. He has this knack of disappearing in the field, which is strange for a man with an ego the size of one of Posh Spice's handbags. Maiden over from Panesar and players go off for some lunch.

"They're just not trying anything, they're just doing the same thing over and over again. Why doesn't Monty Panesar change the angle? We're not trying to make anything happen and that's difficult on a nice, flat pitch."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott in the TMS inbox

2324 - 383-6 Vettori eases Monty into the covers for one and Taylor picks up one with a clip to square-leg. That's 100 runs in the session, and that's not good enough.

"A Durham fast bowler called Harmy
Disappointed the whole Barmy Army
He attempted a bumper
Wearing Fred Trueman's jumper
But Vettori said "Long hops won't jar me"
Dudley Diaper in the TMS inbox

2319 - 381-6 That's the century partnership, Vettori nurdling to mid-wicket for one. Nice stroke from Taylor, picking up two with a drive through the covers, before Siders serves up a spot of chin music and Taylor is struck on the helmet attempting to hook. One leg-bye. That's 2,500 runs for Vettori in Test cricket and I'm really not sure what England skipper Vaughan is going to pull out of his hat here. The way things are going, it probably won't be a rabbit, but something rubbish, like itching powder, or a fake dog turd.

2316 - 376-6 A full delivery from Monty and Taylor whips him away for one. Vettori chugging along nicely, and he waits on one from Panesar and glides the ball to third-man fro three. Good save from Sidebottom to prevent four.

"For those of us who only paid attention in English when the teacher happened to bend over, what does Mr Limb mean by a Limerick needing to 'scan'?"
Rob, London, in the TMS inbox

"Vettori's defensive shots are better than many batsman and consequently he's difficult to get out once he's got in."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS

2312 - 372-6 This England seam attack has all the cutting edge of a spotted dick. Tight enough from Siders, but he's not asking many questions. One run from Taylor with a prod into the covers.

2306 - 371-6 More choke from Monty, although he does drop one short and Vettori misses out, smearing the left-arm spinner straight to Sidebottom at mid-on. Sir Geoffrey asks why Sidebottom hasn't tried bowling round the wicket. Speak of the devil, here he is.

2300 - 371-6 Just one run from Panesar's over, a sweep from Vettori to backward square-legs. News drops on the wires that Bill Gates is now only the third richest man in the world. Some bloke called Warren Buffet is first, Bernard Matthews is second. Just the one single from Harmison's over - better line, still struggling to get over 80mph. I think some Maori healer turned him into Mark Ealham while he slept.

2253 - 370-6 Good control from Panesar, a maiden over. Harmison back on and Vettori clips him to mid-off for one. Taylor, within two of his ton, misses out on a juicy half-bunger outside off-stump...but that's his maiden Test hundred, Harmison making it easy for him and Taylor standing tall and dragging him away for four. Joy on his face, New Zealand's first in five matches. Good knock that, I think it might have been a chanceless one.

"Is it too awfully pedantic to point out the limericks are supposed to scan, as well as to rhyme."
Robert Limb in the TMS inbox

2250 - 364-6 Taylor pulls Harmison away for a single before Vettori flips him away for another. Taylor thrashes Harmison through extra-cover for four and moves to 98 with a drive to mid-off. England getting a whupping.

"I am from Yorkshire and Geoffery Boycott is a legend. My mum used to know Fred Trueman when she was younger. He knitted woollen tops and gave one to my mum. It was in Maltby."
Robert Hayes in the TMS inbox

2246 - 357-6 Bit of controversy over in New Zealand apparently over Jimmy Anderson's inclusion in the Auckland team for their next match. Apparently they're not happy that the NZ Board are helping a member of the England team out. On the pitch, Luteru Ross Poutoa Lote Taylor is approaching his first Test ton as Monty is wheeled into the attack. Vettori sweeps for one and Taylor moves to 92 with a clip to mid-wicket.

2242 - 355-6 Bob Willis on Sky just called Harmison a medium pacer. Ouch. That's a bit like Alain Prost turning round to Lewis Hamilton and calling him a pedal-car racer. Not much more than 80mph from Harmison and his line and length is all over the oche. One run from the bat and a huge wide outside off-stump. Harmy does send down a nasty-looking bumper last up, but Taylor jerks out of line.

"There was once a bloke called Ambrose
Whose 'keeping was quite gross
Kept wicket to Harmy
And that made him barmy
So he settled down to write prose"
Srikanth, Sunnyvale CA, in the TMS inbox

2238 - 353-6 Full-length delivery from Colly and Taylor punches him through the covers for four. Taylor gives the next ball soime serious clatter and Collingwood is struck on the knee, but the nuggety north-easterner is fine.

"I want your kitten (see below). I have a mouse problem. Please post from Portugal to Shepherd's Bush. I will pay for registered delivery."
Nadia in the TMS inbox

2229 - 348-6 They could only look more relaxed on the New Zealand balcony if they were all up on their feet doing doing a spot of Tai Chi. Harmison digs one in and Taylor jerks underneath and Harmison tries out another bumper, but this pitch is about as explosive as an Alan Bennett monologue. England toiling, players have a drink. Steve from Rochdale, we in the office couldn't agree more. I reckon Harmy's spent - I really can't see the point of him, he's not quick, he's not accurate, and, frankly, Collingwood is more likely to take a wicket at the moment.

"Evening Ben. What do you reckon the chances are of Harmison rediscovering the form he showed during the last Test series between these sides? I'd say slim to none, I reckon he's a spent force and we'd be better off concentrating on finding the latest young talent. Our seam attack looks surprisingly toothless these days, with only SiBo showing real form."
Steve, Rochdale, in the TMS inbox

2227 - 348-6 Old Faithful Collingwood is called upon by Vaughan to get a handle on proceedings. Vettori throws the bat at a half-bunger outside off and the ball flies through the vacant second slip region and runs away for four. Other than that, it was a pretty tidy over.

"I'm curious how this live text commentary works. Are you sitting next to Caroline Cheese who's on the football? Can you say hi to her for me? Are you sharing a mobile phone? Where am I? What year is it? WHO'S THE PRESIDENT? So many questions."
Dan in the TMS inbox

2222 - 344-6 Here comes Harmison. I really can't help thinking that this boy will never be what he was way back when. He was bigger than Jungle a few years back, and as we all know, Jungle is massif. Nowadays he has all the impact of Handbag House. Short from Harmison and Vettori turns him round the corner for two. One more leg-bye before Taylor absolutely brutalises him through the covers for yet another four. England's seamers are getting their pants pulled down and they're getting more than just a gentle slapping.

2217 - 337-6 Taylor turns Sidebottom to leg for one before giving Vettori plenty of width and the left-hander whip-cracks him through the covers for four. Not clever this from England, these two rattling along at a run a ball at the moment. Hello Dreaso by the way! (see below) Bit self-indulgent, but he's an old school friend and housemate who kept me entertained with the many DVDs he kept in the second draw of his dresser, buried beneath his pants.

"A neighbour's cat has decided she'd rather live somewhere else, and has had four kittens up in our spare bedroom. Neighbour doesn't want to know. Advice? What are these boys playing at? Far too early for Monty, but what else can they do? Want a kitten?"
Carol, Portugal, in the TMS inbox

2212 - 331-6 Wide from Hoggard and Taylor laces him over cover for four. And another! Hoggard over-pitches and Taylor eases him to the long-off fence. A rank long-hop from the Yorkshireman and Taylor cuts hard to deep cover for another single. Monty may well get an early run-out here.

"There once was a laddie called Vaughan
Who as captain was treated with scorn
So he said 'b*****r that'
Set down his bat
And wrote novels like Somerset Maughan
Paul&Anna, Lancs, in the TMS inbox

2208 - 322-6 Vettori pushes Sidebottom into the covers for a quick single before Sidebottom goes up rather half-heartedy for a leg-before when he should have been blowing Umpire Harper's hat off. That looked like it was ripping out Vettori's leg-peg.

2205 - 321-6 Taylor drives, edges, and the ball flies just past Cook's left hand at backward-point and runs away for four. Vettori prods Hoggard into the covers and scampers a couple. I like Vettori. He strikes me as the type of man who would have been head boy at school but turned a blind eye you if he found you letting down the tyres on the headmaster's Volvo. A very capable batsman too.

"Never mind the England bowlers needing 'more galloping' - they should be turned into dog food and glue."
Steve, Cambs, in the TMS inbox

2200 - 312-6 Not sure what's happened to Sidebottom overnight, it looks like him and some of the other lads have had a pyjama party in his hotel room, gorged on Sherbet Dip Dabs all night and got about an hours sleep. Maybe they watched Porkies as well. Anyway, he's completely lost his line after yesterday's disciplined display. Vettori flicks him off his pads for a couple and Ambrose completes one tidy take around his ankles after another leg-side ball.

2156 - 310-6 I think the revelation that Sir Geoffrey Boycott doesn't watch The Simpsons is the least startling I have ever heard. I'd wager that Boycs thinks My Family is slightly baffling in its portrayal of modern life. A better over from Hoggard, but still he's struggling for rhythm. He does have a decent lbw shout against Vettori turned down, but it looked like it pitched outside leg.

"There once was a man called Monty
He knew he couldn't field like Jonty
He also couldn't bat
In the pavilion he was back
So he learned to write novels like Bronte"
Oliver Jones in the TMS inbox

2152 - 309-6 This is very poor from England - Sidebottom pops one on Vettori's leg stump and is flipped away for four. Two more for Vettori with a straight drive - Sidebottom deflected it onto Taylor's stumps, but he had his bat down in time. Another leg-side delivery and Vettori works him behind square for a single.

2147 - 302-6 That's a pearler of a delivery from Hoggard, drawing Taylor forward and getting the ball to hoop away and beat his upright bat. Hoggy's spoils it slightly by sending his next ball down leg-side. Looks like a jamspangler of a day in Hamilton, lots of strappy tops dotted around the Seddon Park mounds. I saw Australia play New Zealand in Hamilton once. It was a bit like Hastings, but without the tattooed ladies and the sound of smashing glass. Hoggard is really struggling with his length and Taylor slashes him over the slip cordon for four. That's the Kiwi 300, and England are making this far too easy.

"Morning Dirsie, I see you have the graveyard shift again, never mind son, I'll keep you company. Sat in work supposed to be updating spreadsheets, in fact all I'll be doing is watching cricket. They can stick their spreadsheets..."
Richard Drea in the TMS inbox

2141 - 298-6 That's an absolute doozy of a drive from Taylor - front leg bent, hands arcing through the line and the ball disappearing over the extra-cover rope. Sidebottom drags one in too short and Vettori rolls the wrists and watches the ball disappear through backward-point for four. Ten from that over, 16 from the first three.

2136 - 288-6 Hoggard takes the second over of the day and Taylor gets a thick inside edge for one. Hoggy drops short and is flogged away for four by Vettori. Hoggard looks a little stiff - as Boycs has just pointed out, these England bowlers need "more galloping".

"I don't watch The Simpsons. I wouldn't watch David Gower at six o'clock in the morning either. Did I room with him? No I didn't, he's daft as a brush. Stop waffling Jonathan and talk about the cricket..."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS

2130 - 283-6 Right, with the words of Charles Renshaw ringing in my ears, we almost have play. England huddle, and here come Taylor and Vettori, who can bat a bit - he's got a couple of Test tons and averages 26. Sidebottom's first ball clatters Taylor on the pads and that's a pretty decent shout - but Hawkeye says it was missing leg. Taylor picks up the first run of the day courtesy of a clip to long-leg. Just one from the first over of the day.

"ALL HAIL BEN DIRS! that encouraging enough for you?"
Charles Renshaw, Toronto, in the TMS inbox

"Dermot Reeve is wrong when he states the pitch is known to break up. The Hamilton pitch is renowned for becoming slower and flatter. I've never known it to crumble since it was put in."
Dan in the TMS inbox

"Good evening Ben! Right, just fetched the Chinese - plain chow mein, chicken with mushrooms, beef in oyster sauce - cracked open the Cabernet Sauvignon...I'm ready! Let's go boys. My husband thinks I like cricket too much. Is this possible?"
Carole, Maidenhead, in the TMS inbox

"The suspicion is that Harmison doesn't mind that he's now first-change bowler, but that's not necessarily a good thing. If he was a more forceful character, he'd say, 'hang on a minute, I want that new ball'. For the old West Indies fast bowlers, it was a matter of pride."
Vic Marks on TMS

2120:William (see below), I fancy Sidebottom to be the man this morning. I reckon he'll get this new ball hooping about a bit and root a couple of tail-enders out. Patrick McKendry has kindly pointed out that Ian Bell is, of course, a top-handed player and not a bottom-handed player, as I suggested below. Sorry.

"Evening Dirsy. How do you reckon this one will turn out? A five-fer for Monty, with full interpretive dance accompaniment? Monty actually seems to be giving his celebrations less energy these days, much to the sport's detriment."
William in the TMS inbox

2118: All a bit testy last night out in email land. Any chance of getting loads of messages tonight telling me how brilliant I am instead? That's not a good start: James in Bombay has just called me a *@&*.

"Sat in the most boring meeting here in snowbound Quebec. The cricket might be slow but I cant wait for that to start!"
Dr Jon Bradley in the TMS inbox

"The history of this square is that it does tend to break up, so it might not last the distance and start crumbling. So it will help the New Zealand spinners, and Monty Panesar, as the game wears on."
Dermot Reeve on TMS

2107: Just seen Ian Bell out and about in the field and he's been holding his bat. Good old Dermot Reeve is in the TMS commentary box and he's pointed out that Belly is predominately a top-handed player anyway, so may well be able to bat.