England overcame Brendon McCullum's big hitting to restrict New Zealand to 282-6 on day one of the first Test.

The Kiwis were 191-5 despite Jamie How's Test-best 92 as Alastair Cook took three sharp catches and Paul Collingwood weighed in with two.

McCullum blasted two sixes in his 51 off 55 balls, adding 86 with Ross Taylor (54no) who batted sensibly.

Ryan Sidebottom, who was the pick of the bowlers, had him caught behind to finish with impressive figures of 2-39.

By Ben Dirs

Get involved. E-mail tms@bbc.co.uk (with 'For Ben Dirs' in the subject), text 81111 (with "CRICKET" as the first word) or use 606 between 0900-2300 GMT. (Not all contributions can be used).

NEW ZEALAND FIRST INNINGS

STUMPS

"I was born in Twizel which may be why I now live in Sydney."
Richard in the TMS inbox

0439 - Sidebottom finishes with figures of 2-39 from 21 overs. Hoggard struggling with his radar in the final over of the day and Taylor drops him to gully for one. A poor leg-side delivery from Hoggard and that's that for the day. I reckon England just about shaded proceedings courtesy of that late wicket from Sidebottom, who was England's best bowler by a country mile. Thanks for all your chat, I'll see you the same time tomorrow.

0429 - WICKET - McCullum c Ambrose b Sidebottom 51 (NZ 277-6)
McCullum reaches for one and feathers a catch to Ambrose behind the stumps. That's a huge wicket for England and this has to be England's day now. Vettori is the new batsman and he's off the mark with a glided four to the third-man boundary, to the great annoyance of Sidebottom. Andy (see below), did you ever 'hook up' with a girl called Zoe? She wore a gold dress on posh occasions, leading some uncharitable friends to nickname her C-3PO. She also looked a bit like a chap.

"Ben, I was also at Exeter between '94-'97. Surely we can start an 'it's a small world' discussion by finding out we were in the same pub or with the same girl."
Andy Melbourne, in the TMS inbox

0426 - 277-5 Hoggard looks well out of sorts today - he drops short outside off-stump and is carved for six over third-man by McCullum before the Kiwi wicket-keeper moves to fifty from just 53 balls with a tremendous cover-drive for four. This pair aren't thinking about playing for stumps - Taylor moves to his maiden Test fifty with a text-book cover-drive for four. More sedate than McCullum, 118 balls, but no less important. Two overs remain.

0423 - 262-5 McCullum drops Sidebottom into the off-side and Harmison, fielding at cover, shies and gives away an overthrow - two for the stroke. News in that Jimmy Anderson will be playing some club cricket in New Zealand, which is better than him picking his backside up on the England balcony. One more for McCullum and he steals the strike.

0419 - 259-5 A doozy of a drive from McCullum, creaming Hoggard through the covers for four. The partnership is now 64 and McCullum and Taylor have done a very good rebuilding job here. Hoggard getting a bit of hoop, but that's a very correct stroke from Taylor, an off-drive that takes him to 49.

0414 - 251-5 Sidebottom tries McCullum out with some short stuff but the ball fails to get up and McCullum flogs the ball away for four. No results for Kirkland Laing on Youtube apparently...Wikipedia him instead, he was a ruddy genius who once beat Roberto Duran...and then pretty much disappeared for a year, a bit like Harmy has done since that West Indies tour in 2004. Big no-ball from Sidebottom and that's only the second extra of the day.

"What's wrong with Stevenage? I'm off there in three weeks time to watch the mighty Grecians (Exeter City) in the Blue Square Premier. I'm looking forward to that..."
Dan, Auckland, in the TMS inbox

0410 - 246-5 A bit of intent from Harmison, who gets one to zip off the surface and beat Taylor outside off-stump. Taylor, feet nailed to the crease, reaches for one outside off-stump and misses...and here's the new ball, and Sidebottom will have first go with it.

0406 - 246-5 Monty does indeed continue and McCullum stands tall and punches him through point for three. Two more for McCullum with a flick to mid-on, where Harmison does well diving to his right, before McCullum opens his shoulders and flogs Panesar over the mid-wicket fence for the first maximum of the match.

"I've been to Twizel and can confirm that Aggers is correct - it is a very strange place indeed. It feels like nobody has been (or left) since the 70s, and the local radio station is playing wherever you go, even outdoors."
Adam, Boston, in the TMS inbox

0359 - 235-5 Just a couple of singles from Monty's over and we badly need some email action, it's turning into a battle of attrition both in Hamilton and in TV Centre. Harmison vents his frustration, fielding his own bowling and hurling wildly at the stumps - Ambrose does well to save four overthrows. Harmison overpitches and Taylor clips him to wide long-on for a few. Vaughan must decide whether to take the new ball here - it's been due for two overs. He may opt to stick with Monty instead, neither Harmison or Hoggard have looked much cop today.

"It's been quite nice to watch a spinner bowl so many overs on the first day of a Test. Usually they're tucked away and asked to bowl an over here, an over there."
Gus Fraser on TMS

0352 - 229-5 Another maiden from Monty before McCullum comes down the pitch to Harmison and whips him through mid-wicket for four. It's almost as if every top six batsman in world cricket has made a pact to bully Steve Harmison, McCullum is batting about three feet outside his crease. This boy Harmison really is an engima. In fact, I'd go as far as to say he's the Kirkland Laing of the cricket world. If you don't know who Kirkland Laing is, I suggest you Youtube him. Like watching quicksilver in gloves. Harmy strays down leg and is clipped away for another single and Taylor ambles a single after a crisp punch to mid-off.

0348 - 223-5 Harmison is back into the attack and Taylor loses sight of his first delivery and looks mighty confused. That's poor fielding from Siders as Taylor picks up one with little more than a defensive push. Gus Fraser on TMS reckons McCullum's batting pads make him look like a storm-trooper from Star Wars while someone else, I can't remember who, just emailed in to say CMJ looks like Jester from Top Gun. Has someone stuck something in my tea?

"Your reminiscing of White Lightning has taken me back...in the UK can you still buy Castaways to make the infamous Blastaway? What about bottles of Red and Two Dogs? Bacardi Breezers just don't measure up to the classics."
Fiona, Sydney, in the TMS inbox

0342 - 222-5 Taylor nurdles Hoggard into the leg-side for a hesitant single before Hoggard serves up a long hop and is carved away for four by McCullum. Anybody been to this Twizel place that Aggers is on about? Surely it can't be worse than Stevenage? Just a single from Panesar's over, Taylor with a punch to mid-on from the final delivery.

"Twizel is the ugliest place I've ever seen on the planet. It's on the south island and you must have a look at it, it's very odd. They were going to bulldoze it, but the locals refused to leave."
Jonathan Agnew on TMS

0338 - 216-5 Monty finds the edge of McCullum's bat and the ball falls just short of Collingwood at first slip. Monty sinks his head in his hands like a man who has just discovered his sister is in fact his mum. McCullum runs a couple. Looks like an absolutely spanking day in Hamilton. Why do I live in England exactly? It just seems to get rubbisher and rubbisher.

0335 - 214-5 Hoggard drops short and is marmalised to the mid-wicket fence by Taylor. Matt, Brisbane (see below), you weren't at Exeter University between 1995-1998 were you? That is a spookily accurate description of my third year house. Aaah, White Lightning...

"Having read the threads from the start I would like you to stop giving such good 'air' time to all the students around the world. Get a job, apply some deodorant and for God's sake give your Nintendo wii to a niece or nephew who will appreciate it more than you do sat in your single lounge chair (with fag burns in the arms), empty Doritos packets everywhere and a God awful overflowing ashtray." Matt, working very hard in Brisbane, in the TMS inbox

0329 - 209-5 That's too straight from Panesar and McCullum flicks him round the corner for a couple. McCullum flexes his muscles, dropping to one knee and heaving the ball to the mid-wicket fence for four. The Kiwi gloveman now has 10 from just 12 deliveries - England will have to watch this lad, he can be lethal once he gets going.

"For Ben 'Gravy Train' Dirs - just thought I'd give you a boxing moniker seeing as you're at the big fight on Saturday. Hard one to pick but I'll stick with the Englishman [Haye]. Reckon the best thing that happened to boxing in the UK was Hatton leaving Sports Network - shook Warren up and since then he's delivered the big fights."
Neil Devey in the TMS inbox

0323 - 200-5 McCullum drives through point for one before Taylor punches back past Panesar for a single of his own. That's a super stroke from Taylor, playing straight and timing Hoggard through mid-off for four. That's good running from Taylor to bring up the New Zealand 200, turning Hoggard to square-leg and scampering a couple. Hoggy takes some pace off the ball and Taylor plays uppishly to mid-on.

"Methinks Daniel Cullen may have tried to board the 'gravy train', only to be refused entry by the inspector and end up at a down-market tabloid!"
Andy Pass, Canberra, in the TMS inbox

"It's not a pitch on which you can go on the assault all the time, you have to choose your attacking strokes."
Bryan Waddle on TMS

0313 - WICKET - Oram c Cook b Hoggard 10 (NZ 191-5)
England definitely on top now, Oram playing a real wafty shot outside off-stump and Cook taking another good catch at backward-point diving to his left. Harmison is back on the field and he fields well at extra-cover to prevent McCullum from taking a run. McCullum does get off the mark with a nurdle to leg.

"For Daniel Cullen (see below), did the BBC reject your razor-sharp sense of wit and self-importance in a former life sir?! Go to bed old man, you speak not for the rest of us."
Jim, Vancouver, in the TMS inbox

"New Zealand have got a spine of three or four cricketers who are very well established and who are very fine players in Fleming, Vettori, McCullum and Oram."
Christopher Martin-Jenkins on TMS

0309 - 190-4 Hoggard is back into the attack and he has Oram flinching with a bit of chin music. Oram wasn't expecting that, and neither was I, this pitch looks like its made of plasticine. Oram arches his back and punches Hoggard through the covers for a few and Taylor scampers a couple after a deflection into the leg-side. Good running that.

0304 - 185-4 Taylor turns Sidebottom off his pads for a couple before Panesar resumes over the wicket. It's another tight one from Monty, although England give up five overthrows, Pietersen hitting the stumps with a shy on the turn and the ball dribbling away to the boundary.

0258 - 180-4 That's another maiden over from Panesar and Harmison has left the field once again, which means he'll probably be getting a rub down and bowling soon. Taylor cracks Sidebottom straight down the ground and Monty does well to restrict him to a couple. Daniel Cullen (see below) - yes, I agree, it's brilliant. Are you sucking on a lemon while you write these emails? What are you, an obituarist?

"Of course you haven't thought about it dear boy that is my point. I have worked in journalism all my days, hence I know an easy ride when I see it. Does anybody ever leave or get sacked from the BBC? The most overstaffed, self-satisfied and disgustingly complacent organisation any of us have ever known. Hardly anybody I've ever known that works for the BBC has the remotest idea about how the rest of the media works. Good luck though and enjoy the big fight, you seem to be riding on a very pleasant gravy train there."
Daniel Cullen in the TMS inbox

0254 - 178-4 Sidebottom probing away outside Oram's off-stump and the burly left-hander attempts to flip Sidebottom into the leg-side and the batsmen run a leg-bye.

0248 - 177-4 The chants of 'Barmy Army' increase in volume as Sidebottom sends down yet another maiden. Oram is the new batsman and he's off the mark with a far too easy nurdle into the leg-side for one.

"What's with all the unchecked aggression flying around tonight? Sounds like everyone's getting a bit cranky. I'd suggest early nights to everyone but I'm a reckless student. Whatever it is, anyone who takes this all a bit too seriously needs to lay off the Marmite or something. Peace."
Jim, Vancouver, in the TMS inbox

0242 - WICKET - How c Collingwood b Panesar 92 (NZ 176-4)
A couple of decent lbw shouts for Panesar - How, looking nervy on the verge of his maiden Test century, sweeps and is struck just outside off-stump, before missing what appears to be a straight one. Monty goes berserk, but the umpire's having none of it. But Monty does make the breakthrough, squaring How up and Collingwood snaffling another sharp catch at slip. Monty spreads his arms and goes ballistic - a bit like Falcao of Brazil at the 1982 World Cup (not the bloke who sang Rock Me Amadeus).

0237 - 176-3 How moves to 92 with a compact square-drive as Aggers detects the first chants of 'Barmy Army' of the series. Boycott groans...

"When you talk about Arnie Sidebottom, you couldn't think about a more professional player. If you asked him to bowl himself into the ground, he'd bowl himself into the ground, if you asked him to turn up at 10am, he'd turn up at five to 10..."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott waxes lyrical about Ryan's old man on TMS

"Almost certain that no-one cares but I've finished the essay and the conclusion is that Leibniz can't account for contingency. In which case this whole match's outcome is already decided, on the strength of which I'm off to bed."
Matt Duhan, Oxford, in the TMS inbox

0234 - 175-3 Play is under way after tea and Panesar will have first go. His first delivery is turned away for one by How but that's the only run from the over.

0226:Daniel Cullen (see below) - you're right, I haven't really thought about it, I'm too busy thinking about the big fight I'm attending on Saturday and then Calzaghe-Hopkins in Vegas in April. What do you do for a living? Must be very exciting.

"Well done for joining the biggest gravy train in sport - what would you lot do if BBC cut back on their web operations? Get a job in real journalism maybe? Frightening thought I know, best not to to think about it and stick around where you are for another decade if you can."
Daniel Cullen in the TMS inbox

0210 - 174-3 Harmison is turned away for a single by Taylor before How drags away a short ball from Harmison through wide mid-on for a couple. One more for How with a nurdle to mid-wicket before a rare thing happens - Harmison gets one past Taylor's bat. And that's tea. What to eat at 2am...

0207 - 170-3 How clips Panesar to mid-wicket for one and Taylor nurdles a single. This is all pretty tight from Monty, but I can't remember him having an appeal all day.

0203 - 168-3 Harmison tries out a couple of bouncers but there's no pace in this pitch and Ambrose takes the ball around his ankles behind the stumps. That's a crackerjack stroke from Taylor, an elegant on-drive that races away for four. Harmison really struggling to find his mojo here. The Mojo - a vastly overrated penny chew.

0200 - 164-3 Fine stroke from How, a flashing square-drive for four, and he moves onto 86. Beginning to drift a bit here folks as tea approaches, I think this is probably the most ridiculous shift I've ever done.

"Seeing Drifters in a vending machine does not guarantee their existence. I can see the sun but since it took light eight minutes to get here, it could have disappeared from existence five minutes ago. Likewise, it takes months for the chocolate to get from the factory to being dispensed in a university vending machine."
Michael Henderson in the TMS inbox

0152 - 159-3 Colly restores order with another maiden. Pietersen takes a spectacular 'crowd' catch off How before the compact right-handed batsman laces Harmison through the covers for four. The rest of Harmison's over is line-and-length and the Durham man has morphed from a white Joel Garner into Arnie Sidebottom in the space of a couple of years.

0148 - 153-3 That's a crackerjack stroke from How, standing tall and cracking Harmison through the covers for four. And another, Harmison attempting some chin music and How gloving him to the third-man boundary. The hosts have slipped up a gear here, just as Harmison has reentered the attack...hmmm...

"I think Boycs is Old Spice on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and Brut on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Sundays probably au naturale." Mark, Rochdale, in the TMS inbox

0142 - 145-3 That's crazy cricket from England, Shah, who is on the pitch for Harmison, giving away four overthrows with a wild shy at the stumps. Very frustrating for Collingwood. Three more for How with a crisp punch into the covers.

0137 - 138-3 Another tidy over from Collingwood, a maiden. Wonder what Boycott wears scent-wise? I reckon he would consider a bar of Imperial Leather to be highly effeminate. Hoggard keeps it tight for five balls before straying onto Taylor's legs and Taylor cracks him straight back down the ground for four.

0132 - 132-3 How pulls Hoggard away for a single as my colleague pulls up an internet interview with Paul Collingwood. In it he reveals: "It's important for a man to smell good, especially when you're sharing a dressing room". Apparently, Hugo Boss is Colly's scent. I reckon Hoggard wears Voodoo by Lynx. Taylor picks up a couple with a clip off his pads. Poor fielding from Sidebottom, who dives over the ball at mid-on.

"Drifters still exist! They have them in a vending machine in the University of huddersfield human, health and sciences building!"
Alex Davis Huddersfield, in the TMS inbox

0125 - WICKET - Sinclair c&b Collingwood 8 (NZ 129-3)
Collingwood back into the attack and he digs one in short and How yanks him away for one. But Collingwood moves into double figures for Test wickets, Sinclair simply prodding the ball back and the Durham all-rounder completing a sharp caught and bowled. Big wicket that for England, Collingwood a veritable go-to man. Just seen the replay of that catch, and it was a fine one - the ball was almost past him but he still managed to get two hands to it.

0120 - 128-2 A maiden over from Hoggard and I have to be honest, if you're still up reading this, you are a raving lunatic.

"RE. Finding a quality newspaper on the Tube. I once had an incident on one of my very infrequent visits to London where I spotted a copy of The Times' sport pages from that day on the seat in front of me. However, a gentleman was sat on the seat next to it, and being a tight-fisted Yorkshireman I assumed that no-one would just dump such an expensive publication. Much was my chagrin when at the next stop some savvy Londoner had it away."
Stewart, Huddersfield, in the TMS inbox

0115 - 128-2 Good touch from How, who reaches for one and paddles Panesar to the long-leg fence. How picks up a single with a clip to leg and Sinclair grabs another with a similar shot.

0111 - 122-2 Hoggard is back on for Sidebottom and England will want more of the same from him. His first delivery is on How's legs and he's clipped away for one. Sinclair does break the shackles, pouncing on a half-bunger from Hoggard and slapping the ball to the wide long-off fence. That's drinks.

"You say that Ben (see below) but I have had many a fascinating conversation on train journeys. The topics of conversation range from cricket (naturally) to the state of public transport, and pretty much everything in between. I've even had happy birthday sung to me at least 10 times on the same train journey all by people I didn't know. To be fair on that occasion they were drunk rugby fans but it was my birthday and it was entertaining, well maybe the first couple of times."
Sarah, Bucks, in the TMS inbox

0105 - 117-2 How sweeps Panesar to deep square-leg for one and Sinclair flips Monty off his hip for a couple. As an aside, whatever happened to those ball-like things that you used to hang onto on Tube trains? Like Drifters, they appear to have vanished into thin air.

0102 - 114-2 Siders gets a bit bored and sends down a rather inoccuous bumper that soars over the head of Sinclair. That's yet another maiden over from Sidebottom - 14 overs for just 24 runs.

0059 - 114-2 How reaches and paddles Panesar away for one. Sinclair gets off the dreaded goose egg with a prod into the off-side. A shot of Ross Taylor on the New Zealand balcony. Next man in, he looks like he's contemplating cataract surgery.

0055 - 112-2 That's yet another maiden from Sidebottom and he really is bowling superbly here. Talking of public transport, is there a better feeling than finding a quality national among the stacks of free newspapers you find on London's trains and buses? Maybe I should get myself an ipod.

0051 - 112-2 Panesar errs down leg and How picks up four with the thinnest of tickles. That's How's maiden Test match fifty, and it's been a pretty solid dig. Sarah, Bucks (see below), only a mad person would attempt to communicate with a stranger on public transport. I entertain myself on the Tube by looking at my reflection in the opposite window and seeing how big I can make my forehead.

0044 - WICKET - Fleming c Cook b Sidebottom 41 (NZ 108-2)
And that's the breakthrough Boycs was looking for - Sidebottom serves one up outside off and Fleming carves the ball to Cook at backward-point, who makes a fine catch diving to his right. Fabulous catch that, and that's exactly the kind of cricket that was needed to create a breakthrough. Sinclair is the new batter and he survives the over.

"Train journeys are so boring these days with everyone plugged into their various gadgets, I find a bit of conversation is always refreshing. I understand that people might not be feeling their best on the daily commute but like BT say (or said), 'It's good to talk'.
Sarah, Bucks, in the TMS inbox

0042 - 107-1 Fleming happy to cover up against Panesar and we've now had four runs in the last seven overs since lunch. This is old schooly...

"I can't see where a wicket is coming from. England are keeping it tight and just hoping the batsmen make a mistake. There's nothing there for the bowlers, they will just have to keep plugging away and hope something happens."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS

0040 - 107-1 Bit of a wild flash outside off-stump from How, the first sign that he's getting frustrated with this persistent line from Sidebottom. Sidebottom bowling manfully here, exactly as he should be bowling on this lifeless Hamilton strip. Yet another maiden from him and he now has figures of 11-3-23-0.

"Just heard CMJ say that 'How was like the Bank of New Zealand'. Does that mean Harmison is like Northern Rock?"
Phil in the TMS inbox

0036 - 107-1 Just two from Monty's over, a steer to square-leg from Fleming and a similar stroke from How. Good news for England fans: Ian Bell has had an X-ray and it has revealed no breaks. He could yet play a part in this match.

0032 - 105-1 Sidebottom nagging away at the Kiwi batsmen like some 70's sit-com wife and How is happy to play a straight bat and cover up. Another maiden. Old Bill Pollard (see below) has been on the email again suggesting that I might find "domestic abuse" and the "routine sexual harassment of female nurses" funny. Extraordinary stuff, but I'm all up for a spot of controversy at gone midnight.

"Now that I have returned to these shores, Ben, I was wondering if anyone has any original suggestions on how to maintain a tan, given it's a bit too parky to walk around flashing the flesh, so to speak..."
Sarah, Canterbury, in the TMS inbox

0029 - 105-1 That's a maiden from Monty, but he's not causing the Kiwi batsmen any great problems at the moment.

0024 - 105-1 How picks up a couple with a pull off Sidebottom, but Siders hits back well, getting one to slant across and coax a loose drive from How. Sidebottom getting up towards 90mph now, which is about 5mph faster than Harmison has been all day. And he's a damn sight more accurate. DJO (see below), tell your mate that chatting up women in supermarkets and on buses is something only Americans can pull off. I once asked out a woman who was collecting money for some charity or other. I think she had a bit of sick in her mouth as she reeled away.

"My friend, who has recently become single, has just posed an interesting question to me. Struck by how many attractive young women board his bus to work in the morning, he is enquiring if it is appropriate to chat them up and if so how he can do this without 'seeming like a nutter'. Any thoughts/advice am sure would be greatly appreciated by him."
DJO, Sydney, in the TMS inbox

0017 - 103-1 Not a clever start after lunch this - Sidebottom drops short and is yanked away for four by How. That's New Zealand's ton and the hosts are pottering along quite nicely, here. This is to Test cricket what ITV amateur detective series Rosemary and Thyme is to gritty drama. One more for How and Fleming nicks another with a whip to fine-leg. Allow me to throw a hand grenade into the mix: the chat in the office is, "is Monty Panesar actually that good?" Well? IS HE?

0011 - 97-1 Right, enough of your essay titles (for my money, Ben from Oxford has nicked that argument) - we're under way. Panesar's first delivery is tickled round the corner for four before Fleming brings up the 50 partnership with another well-timed square-drive for four. Not really doing much Monty. The good news is that Ian Bell is back in the ground. He's got his arm in a sling, but I'm sure he'd still be in hospital if it was anything serious. I'll keep you posted.

"As far as boring assignments go, I think 'A discussion of Lanthanide shift reagents, the origins of shifts obtained with paramagnetic dopants, proximity effects, chiral systems and the relevance of water relaxation rates in NMR to magnetic resonance imaging' takes the biscuit. The cricket is definitely getting more of my attention - hopefully my tutors will understand."
Ben, Oxford, in the TMS inbox

"I'm happy to announce the arrival of our seventh, on 28 February. We thought about a naming in your honour but felt that might be a bit of a burden, so have gone for the more the more traditional Anna."
Paul and Anna, Lancs, in the TMS inbox

"I feel that 'Can Leibniz satisfactorily account for contingency?' due in for tomorrow at 11am is a pretty strong shout. Could be a long night with the cricket and the Arcade Fire..."
Matt Duhan, Oxford, in the TMS inbox

"I'm not actually writing a dull paper, but I am currently being forced to read 'Oosterhoff on Trusts - text, commentary and materials', and this evening's magical section deals with the rights of beneficiaries as against third parties and the equitable rule of tracing. I respectfully submit that passively reading is more likely to induce narcolepsy than the more active task of writing."
Hitcho, Toronto, in the TMS inbox

"I am currently writing a 3,000 word report with the title "a technical feasibility study into the packaging and storage of tolerance rings". If I fail, I will claim mitigating circumstances due to being distracted by Harmison's buffet bowling."
Ian Peters, Bath, in the TMS inbox

"I will match Chris Ward and raise him with my dissertation on 'The use and abuse of tragicomedy in Harold Pinter's drama'. Sexy title, but strangely hard to write about. It also convinces me that England's Test match performances are inherently tragicomic..."
Matt, Durham, in the TMS inbox

2333:Bill Pollard has emailed in to call me a "misogynist". Before I pop off for a spot of tea, I should probably clarify that my comment referring to Phill's wife's sciatica (2239) was a joke. I don't really want her to grow morbidly obese and become bed-bound, I was rather poking gentle fun at the fact that Phill seemed to be ecstatic at his wife's illness. Furthermore, the nurse comment was a topical reference to Lord Mancroft's recent comments that nurses at Bath's Royal United Hospital were "grubby and promiscuous". Big up yourself Bill.

2330 - 87-1 Another good, tight, probing over from Monty, but he's not posing many questions for the Kiwi batsmen. Collingwood to bowl the final over before lunch as How and Fleming, like a couple of cantankerous cornershop owners, shut up shop. Fleming does flip the final ball of the over to mid-wicket for a single to move to 29, and that's lunch. See you in 40 minutes or so...

2325 - 86-1 Harmy is off and Collingwood is on, which isn't a great sign. Good probing over from Colly however and it's a maiden. Chris Ward (see below), I did my dissertation on "The Role of Information in the Downfall of the Soviet Union". Luckily, a book had already been written with an almost an identical title.

"Fellow students out there in TMS land, I propose a challenge. Who can come up with the most boring-sounding assignment they have to hand in in the next few days? I start with an essay on Russian political parties at the turn of the 20th century. Come on, who can beat that?"
Chris Ward, Coventry, in the TMS inbox

2322 - 86-1 Just one from Monty's over, a steer from Fleming behind square on the off-side.

2319 - 85-1 Harmison ploughing a furrow outside How's off-stump but not making him play enough. Unlucky for How, who plays straight only for the ball to ricochet off the stumps. Maiden over from Harmison. Just seen that Symonds clip on Youtube. Love the fact that he calmly does a spot of gardening after the streaker is dragged off. Maybe the poor chap suffers from dry skin? Little bit of advice for people who suffer with dry skin: if you ever allow any lady friends to stay over, make sure she's not wearing black pyjamas.

2315 - 85-1 Time for a spot of Monty and England could really do with a wicket here. How turns him away to square-leg for a single and that's the only run of the over. A tight one from Panesar, but not turn to speak of. Not sure Monty would have decked that streaker. I have a sneaking suspicion he would have offered him his helmet, or perhaps his hanky.

2311 - 84-1 Harmison bowling around about the 80mph mark here and I can't help thinking there's not much point to Harmison unless he's steaming in and chucking it down at about 90mph. If you're going to spray it about, you may as well spray it about like a water cannon rather than a garden sprinkler. Fleming opens the face and glides Harmison to the third-man fence for another four.

"Just to say - who really cares if oral candidosis really is the 'disease of the diseased' when there is Test Cricket to be listened to and live text to be read?! And well done Mr Cook - always said he catches as good as he looks."
Kathryn, Cardiff, a dental student pulling an all-nighter, in the TMS inbox

2306 - 80-1 Fleming picks up four with a steer through the gully region. Gossamer from the former Kiwi skipper. And again from Fleming, just showing the face of his bat and the ball racing through mid-off for another boundary. Timing all the way from Geneva that. Apparently there's a clip of Symonds decking that streaker on Youtube. Lovely stuff.

2301 - 71-1 Fleming pushes Harmison into the off-side for one before How picks up one with an off-drive. That's How's highest score in Test cricket - 38. A scared looking sub-editor has just asked me to clarify my nurse comment below. Here's the link.

"I take great offence. I am a male nurse, and although I pride myself on my utter lack of morals and my gross promiscuity, I still manage to attend to my personal hygiene at least once a week. 'Grubby' indeed..."
Mark, Denmark, in the TMS inbox

2259 - 68-1 How drives loosely at a tempter from Hoggard and is beaten. How does pick up a couple with a cover-drive. A couple of emails about my spelling of "wont". That's what I meant to say. And I also meant to say "envelop" and not "envelope". Sorry.

2256 - 66-1 How drives Harmison into the covers before the Durham man strays onto Fleming's legs once more is flipped away for four. Boycott groans audibly in the TMS commentary box, as well he might. Some chap dressed up as a gorilla in the crowd, which must have been amusing for about 20 minutes, before the sun came out.

2249 - 57-1 That's a lip-smacking stroke from, just leaning into a Hoggard delivery and easing the ball to the wide mid-off boundary. Jim (see below), I was in Cardiff last year after a Calzaghe fight and it was like the end of civilisation as we know it. I saw one woman (she was about a size 22) on her back at a taxi rank trying to down a bottle of WKD. As Apocolyptic scenes go, Blade Runner has nothing on Cardiff city centre at chucking out time. Stick that in your paper big man.

"I am studying the problem of binge drinking in Wales for my Welsh A-Level assignment. Suddenly I remembered the cricket, and Freddie isn't even playing! Did anyone see Symonds nail that streaker today against India? Comedy!"
Jim, Llangammarch Wells, in the TMS inbox

2245 - 52-1 Harmison strays onto Fleming's pads and you don't bowl there to Flemo, who whips him away for four. Aggers: "Harmison just struggling to get into his groove here..." Boycott: "Does he ever get into his groove?"

2239 - 48-1 How clips Hoggard, who has replaced Siders at the City End, away for a couple to mid-on. How adds one to mid-wicket and Fleming is off the mark with a single. Phill (see below), tremendous news regarding your wife's sciatica. Let's hope she puts on masses of weight, becomes morbidly obese and bed-bound and that all your future England tours go uninterupted. Bell on his way to hospital apparently. If Kiwi nurses are anything like as grubby and promiscuous as ours, Belly's in for one hell of an afternoon. Don't write in, that's a topical comment.

"This is a disaster, Bell's injury means we have to find a new jellybean placer! Tonight marks a special occasion for me! I am able to regress to childhood during this series as my wife has developed sciatica so is sleeping on the harder bed in the spare room, allowing me to have the radio on all night! Haven't done that since the glorious Ashes series of '87-'88!
Phill, Ashford, in the TMS inbox

"I got hit there by John Snow at Brighton and I reckon there's a good chance Bell's hand could be broken."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS

2233 - WICKET - Bell c Cook Harmison 19 (NZ 44-1)
As is his wont, Harmison comes into the attack and releases much of the pressure that has been built up by Hoggard and Sidebottom over the previous hour. Bell square-drives for four before cutting over the slip cordon for another boundary...BUT THAT'S A WICKET! "SHUT UPPA YOUR FACE DIRS, YOU KNOW NOTHING!" I think I saw Harmison say as his team-mates envelop him. Bell goes for another drive outside off, edges and Cook snaffles the catch at third slip. Stephen Fleming is the new man at the crease.

2229 - 36-0 Sidebottom showing signs of fatigue as he drops short and is dragged away for four by How. And that's four more for How, who drives unconvincingly and sees the ball fly just wide of second slip. New Zealand opening up a little now. Andy (see below), I suggest you spark up the internet and run yourself an icy bath, New Zealand will be all out by tea.

"Ben, just got back from hockey training, and have been greeted by the news that Brighton beat Gillingham and England, apart from the Bell incident, are doing quite well. I should go and smack balls about in the cold more often."
Andy, Nottingham, in the TMS inbox

2222 - 28-0 Harmy on the spot just outside off-peg with his first two before he tosses up some buffet stuff outside off-stump and is marmalised through point by Bell - four runs. Other than that, it's an uncharacteristically nagging start from Harmison.

"Talking of spuds - quick question for Russell Osman: you're not Nick Osman's brother, of the famous Osmans who used to attend King Eddies in Southampton and who excelled in all sports? And in anything involving balls actually."
Nick, Stockholm, in the TMS inbox

2218 - 23-0 Bell has been escorted from the field, sporting what looks like a satsuma attached on the side of his right hand...or a mandarin...is there a difference between the two? That could be a break I'm afraid, he looked far from comfortable. Twelfth man Swann enters the fray and gets under the lid at short-leg. Start warming those hands up you England slips, here comes Harmy...

2216 - 23-0 Siders drags one in short and Bell absolutely clatters it into his namesake's right arm at short-leg. This doesn't look good, he's gone down like a sack of spuds. As Bell is treated by England physio Kirk Russell, he can at least take consolation in the fact that he saved any runs, and that the ball didn't strike him in the old fella.

2210 - 22-0 Shot of the day so far from How, showing Hoggard the maker's name and watching the ball race away for four. Class in a glass. Single from How with a rock back and pull. Louis Osman emails in to enquire who the ruddy heck Russell Osman is. Along with Michael Caine, he was one of the finest prisoner-of-war footballers this country ever had my friend. Hoggard locates the edge of How's bat, but the ball falls short of Collingwood at second slip.

2207 - 17-0 Sidebottom serves up his first loose ball of the day and Bell gets stuck in, carving him through backward-point for four. It's hardly fireworks over in Hamilton, but New Zealand will be happy enough with this start.

2203 - 13-0 How clips to mid-wicket and scurries two. Direct hit from Harmison and the man upstairs is asked to adjudicate. Not sure what's up with Umpire Davis - that was about nine feet in. Davis then loses one of the bails, has a look around - and then finds it in his pocket. That doesn't bode well. Bet he's the sort of person who tries to put his credit card in Underground ticket machines. How goes for a lifter from Hoggard and top edges for four. Sidebottom it was with the chase down at long-leg, but to no avail.

2158 - 7-0 How moves to 4 with a guide to third-man. Sorry, it's been so long since I did a Test match that I've been forgetting to put the score in after each entry. What a flapjack. Thank you Louis Osman for pointing this out. Any relation to Russell?

2152: Both these Kiwi openers have pretty ordinary averages to be honest: Bell has played 16 Tests at 25 and How has played 7 at 14. How does pick up a single with a nurdle to leg. I get the feeling the word 'nurdle' will get one hell of a workout over the course of this New Zealand innings. I might type it in a Word document and paste it in as and when. Just the one from Hoggy's over and this is the cricketing equivalent of Chinese water torture for these two openers, simply nothing to hit so far.

2149: How picks up his second run with a flip down to long-leg but that's the only run from Sidebottom's third over and this represents a very solid start from England's opening bowlers.

"It doesn't look like the sort of pitch that would excite Harmison and there's a pretty good case for getting Monty Panesar on early."
Vic Marks on TMS

2146: Two from Hoggard's over courtesy of a couple of singles, including one that gets Bell off the mark. Hoggard gets his final delivery past the edge of Bell's upright bat, and first slip thinks he might have feathered it...but he didn't. Hamilton looks like a nice enough place to play a game of cricket, but it sounds like they're playing this Test in a snooker hall at the moment.

2141: Sidebottom is Norris on the Spot and that's his second successive maiden. Richard (see below), on the Metro in Paris recently, a Frenchman killed an entire carriage stone dead with what appeared to be a gangrenous foot. Either that or, being French, his foot was made of cheese.

"Update on the eight-legged radioactively enhanced pant-hider: Killed 'accidentally' by a stray size 10 en route to chilled joy. By the way, my nan once killed a room stone dead with a stray guff as she stood up."
Richard Purnell in the TMS inbox

2138: Hoggard shares the new ball with Sidebottom and he gets his first ball past the rather wonky bat of Matthew Bell. But Bell does get New Zealand under way with a clip to mid-wicket for two. Hoggy beats the bat again and has Bell looking more like a number 11 than a solid anchor - Jonathan Agnew on TMS reckons he resembled Bob Willis with that attempted leave outside off-stump.

2130: Siders' first delivery shapes back into the right-handed How and clips his pad. Strangled appeal from Ambrose behind the stumps, and an uncomfortable start for How. More sketchiness from How, clipping uppishly to short-leg where Bell isn't far away from the catch - that's a maiden to start for England.

2128: England's players take to the field and fall into their now traditional huddle. New boy Tim Ambrose initially scurried to the middle, as you would, but is called to order by skipper Vaughan. Sidebottom to have first go with the cherry.

"Really looking forward to the start of this series. I just hope that NZ keep it competitive throughout because I saw a lot of their tour of South Africa a few months back and they were absolutely atrocious in the test matches. Then again, England don't have Dale Steyn!"
Stanistuta in the TMS inbox

2124:Rich (see below), personally I'm a 'bludgeoner', although some people are inconsistent in their approach to potentially scary animals. For example, my nan was a 'helper' of spiders, favouring an old jam jar and a newspaper, but I once saw her bludgeon a dormouse to death with the end of a shovel.

"Ben, have just sat down for the cricket to find a spider the size of a 747 lurking between the refuge of the sofa and the Nirvana of the beer-laden fridge. Should I just bludgeon it to death to ease my journey or conquer irrational fear and 'help' it outside?"
Rich, Aylesbury, in the TMS inbox

2115:'Critchmeister' has just emailed in to rant: "Are you actually going to watch this game or are you just planning to cut and paste from Cricinfo?" To be honest, I'll probably try to write most of it myself, until about 3am, when I'll probably get tired and start copying Cricinfo a bit. Sir Geoffrey is going off on one on the wireless - "England don't really know what they're doing", says the salty old curmudgeon with regard the wicket-keeper role. He does, however, add that Ambrose will have no better chance to cement his place behind the timbers against this New Zealand side.

"Is it just me, or does anyone else think Sidebottom walks a bit like Patsy, the drunken slag from Ab-Fab?"
Jeffrey G Cowell in the TMS inbox

2103: England skipper Michael Vaughan calls heads and it comes up tails - Kiwi skipper Daniel Vettori and his team will have a bat. Matthew Bell and Jamie How are the Black Cap openers and swashbuckling they are not. New Zealand are playing two spinners, Vettori and Jeetan Patel, who is starting only his second Test.

New Zealand: MD Bell, JM How, SP Fleming, MS Sinclair, LRPL Taylor, JDP Oram, BB McCullum, DL Vettori, KD Mills, JS Patel, CS Martin

"I'd love to have had a bat, but I'm sure it will offer some assistance to our seam bowlers. I hear a lot of chat about 'favourites', but it's about who turns up. We've got people who can get wickets and get big runs."
England captain Michael Vaughan

2100: Evening all, and welcome to our coverage of day one of the first Test. According to the magnificent cricket website Cricinfo, it's fine in Hamilton with a bit of a breeze. England's team is already in of course, and here it ruddy well is: