BBC Sportcricket

FIFTH ONE-DAY INTERNATIONAL, Cuttack:
India 273-4 (43.4 overs) bt England 270-4 (50 overs) by six wickets

By Tom Fordyce

606: DEBATE Debate all the action on 606

44th over: India 273-4, WIN MATCH BY SIX WICKETS
Bopara for the final rites. Sharma batters him square for four, and that's your lot.

Another walloping for England - that's now 5-0 in the series, and how they prevent this becoming a 7-0 whitewash is anyone's guess.

Hats off for all the email chat today - a super team performance all round. Apologies if I couldn't squeeze your words in - rest assured they were appreciated.

From Kit Miller in the TMS inbox: "Last time I was in Jersey I interviewed Nettles (Bergerac). The front page crime news when I was there concerned a drunk who had a wee up a tree late at night. So the premise of the programme was built on nothing ... a bit like England's one-day side."

43rd over: India 267-4
Swann, unable to grip the ball properly to tweak it, is now bowling little seamers. And a bouncer, which is instantly called a wide. Four needed. Pack away your Thermos and picnic blanket.

42nd over: India 263-4

From Steve Rawbone, TMS inbox: "Tom - does your family hail from a part of the Netherlands where a quartet of waterways meet or have I got the pronunciation wrong?"

Where's my colleague Ben Dirs when I need him?

41st over: WICKET - Dhoni lbw b Swann 50, India 250-4

From Charles Sheldrick, TMS inbox: "Wasn't there an old U2 B-side called 'England are pants and don't have a hope'?"

40th over: India 243-3
Fred returns for his final two overs, a heavy weariness hanging over his shoulders. A wide one is biffed away behind square for Raina, a single follows and a short one the other way is crashed to the point boundary by Dhoni. 28 required. Sigh.

From Aaron Chaim David, TMS inbox: "Tom - are you any relation to Bruce Fordyce, the great South African ultra-marathon runner?"

I'd like to think so, Aaron, but there's only the skinniest of anecdotal evidence to suggest it. We both like running, we're both under six feet tall, we're... hold on, maybe we are related...

39th over: India 234-3
Swann's really struggling to control the soggy ball - a full toss is lofted back over his head by Raina for four, and a shorter one gets the same treatment. 37 runs needed off 11 with seven wickets in hand, and another thrashing is on the cards.

From Paul in the Princess Victoria pub, Shepherd's Bush: "Lovejoy/McShane has left the building. I think he's heard that Bergerac is after him."

38th over: India 222-3
Still no sign of the second Indian powerplay. Does Dhoni even need it? He drives Broad sweetly back down the ground for four and then goes for two more through cover. It's a gentle stroll for the home side, but not for Broad - he trudges off injured with two balls of his over still to go, and Bopara has to polish it off. Looks like he was clutching his left hamstring as he went.

From Andrew Wells, TMS inbox: "For Alex, with his request for some Indian policemen - bring on HRF Keating's Inspector Ghote, I say! He can work out anything - even how to bowl out India."

37th over: India 214-3
'oopla - Swann turns his arm over, only to find the ball disappearing backwards. Slippery out there now, with the dew laying heavier upon the turf. Dhoni gets a leading edge spoonily over the bowler's head for two more, and then strolls casual singles with Raina.

36th over: India 207-3
Lots of variable bounce out there now, which makes you wonder what might have happened had things been a fraction closer going into the last 15 overs. Harmie concludes with 1-49 off his 10.

35th over: India 205-3
Compared to his first over, this is miserly stuff from Swann - a mere two, compared to that head-clutching 21. Not so much a silver lining as a drop in the ocean, but still.

34th over: India 202-3
Three easy singles off Harmison. The end inches a little closer.

From Alex in Northampton: "Bergerac and Lovejoy would both be crying into their patched 80's sportsjackets with our inability to compete with India. Are there any famous Indian policeman we can adopt?"

33nd over: India 199-3
Swann back into the sights, and has he struck straight away? He zips one past Dhoni's outside edge, Stumper Prior appeals for both a caught behind and a stumping, and the latter looked out. The decision goes to the third umpire, there's a long wait... and it's given not out. Looked like Dhoni's foot was on the line of the crease rather than behind it. Hmmm.

From Scott Lingard, TMS inbox: "O the woes of international cricket captaincy. 'I have scored highest total, I have run through the fields, only to lose to you, only to lose to you.'"

32nd over: India 197-3
Harmison back to replace Flintoff, with a slip in too. Harmison responds to that field placing by dropping two short down the leg-side, and Dhoni pulls him away for a two and four. Easy peas.

From Tony Crane, TMS inbox: "Tom - are you any relation to Keith Fordyce of the popular 60's musical extravaganza Ready Steady Go?"

Alas no, Tony. Are you any relation to Andy Crane of the popular 80s children's BBC extravaganza The Broom-Cupboard?

31st over: India 189-3
And a dreamy one from Raina too, leaning into a fullish one from Bopara and creaming it through extra cover for four. He then goes the other way, pulling one which keeps low away to the midwicket fence. Turning into a cakewalk, this.

30th over: India 179-3
Lovely shot from the Indian skipper - a dreamy drive through the on-side for four as Freddie strays a fraction leggish. Fred responds by whistling one past his outside edge.

From Liam Varenkesh, TMS inbox: "in response to Rob Williams, I think England are going to win this 'with or without dew'."

29th over: India 173-3
Dhoni decides to pick up the pace, flipping a leg-stump Ravi delivery square for two and then driving to the opposite side for two more. Drinks break; 98 runs needed off 21 overs. India's match to calamitously mess up.

From Tom in Edinburgh: "Surely KP/Bono should bring himself on to bowl - he should have more chance than most of finding The Edge."

28th over: India 166-3
Broad drops short against Raina and is angled away past the diving Colly for four to deep third man. The run-rate over the last five overs has gone down to 2.8 an over, but India are still rattling along at way over the required.

27th over: India 161-3
Strange lull in the scoring rate as Bopara keeps it tight with a quick maiden over. Should have been on from the start, the Essex tyro.

From Mark Goodall, TMS inbox: "Can England rise up like Ian McShane and slay India's Jim Bergerac?"

26th over: India 161-3
Dhoni dinks a single off Broad, Raina does the same with the very next ball as both batsmen seek to play themselves in with over-the-top caution.

25th over: India 159-3
Fred it is, and another heap of sawdust is added to the mush around the crease. Dhoni stays watchful, nicking the strike off the final ball with a flick through the covers for one. 112 needed to win off the last 25 overs.

24th over: India 158-3
Raina and Dhoni the new men, and KP is suddenly as animated as an electrocuted ostrich. Looks like Fred might be brought back to try to blow a bigger hole in the Indian wall.

24th over: WICKET - Sehwag lbw Broad 91, India 156-3

23rd over: WICKET - Yuvraj c&b Bopara 6, India 156-2

22nd over: India 149-1
Astonishingly, Sehwag hasn't hit a boundary for 25 minutes. Until I typed that sentence. Harmison strays down leg and is dinked away to fine leg for four. Sorry.

From Rob Williams, TMS inbox: "It seems India are going to win With Or Without Yuv today."

21st over: India 143-1
This'll cheer England up - India have promoted Yuvraj to no.3. He starts with singles and Sehwag keeps him company.

20th over: WICKET - Tendulkar b Harmison 50, India 136-1

From Ed in London: "In the interests of public order, I trust that Paul will be warning McShane/Lovejoy that Bergerac is 'looking for him', and he may want to make himself scarce as the readership of this commentary don't fancy his chances in a dust-up."

19th over: India 134-0
Patel is the man KP selects, and he responds with a wide down leg. Sehwag reverse-sweeps, just to show he can, and that's another four sliced from the total. The run-rate required is 4.41; India are currently going along at over seven an over.

18th over: India 125-0
Fred, eyes out on stalks, barrels in to Tendulkar. Three singles off the over, and what can England do to turn this around? KP is staring around the field as if hoping to see Simon Jones and Derek Underwood limbering up in the covers.

From Rachel Tyrrell, Lincs, TMS inbox: "KP Still Hasn't Found What He's Looking For. A win."

17th over: India 122-0
I fear that Broad may burst into tears here. Sehwag clubs a short one away over point for his 11th four, and then drives a fuller one effortlessly down the ground for a chase-that four. Brilliant batting, and Sehwag moves to 66 off 52 balls. Make that 68 off 53 - another punch through cover yields two more. Sehwag pushes a single off the final ball, and if Bopara had hit with his throw from cover, Sachin would have gone. He misses.

16th over: India 109-0
KP is wearing a pair of orange-lensed glasses that make him look a little like a twice-as-tall Bono. Would Bono suffer from 'Vertigo' if he were KP's height? Is KP taking 'Pride' from this performance? Is this the worst paragraph I've ever written? Tendulkar dabs Fred away behind point with sweet timing for four.

From Ed Walters, TMS inbox: "Re McShane - I can't tell you if he's there at the moment, but he often is, but not always eating the potted crab. Sometimes cheese. I know Paul as well, he's a regular and also a policeman, so he never tells fibs."

15th over: India 105-0
England call for some sawdust, presumably to build an enormous rampart around the strip. Swann's been told to take a blow, possibly to give him time to wipe the tears from his eyes, so Harmison gets the summons they were all dreading. Singles are tickled out to Swann on the deep midwicket fence; drinks follow.

From Mike Parkin, TMS inbox: "Re the comment from 'The Taxman' (12th over) - that wouldn't be VVS Taxman, would it?"

14th over: India 99-0
First ball up, Fred drifts onto leg-stump and is clipped effortlessly away by Tendulkar for the 15th four of the innings. England's policy of picking just four front-line bowlers now looking as daft as an ice-cream greenhouse.

13th over: India 94-0

From Paul Gardner, TMS inbox: "Stop press - Ian 'Lovejoy' McShane is currently in the Princess Victoria pub, Shepherds Bush. He is looking very dapper and seriously tanned. I believe he is eating the potted crab."

Can anyone provide independent verification of this?

12th over: India 73-0
Fred continues, and that's a beauty - a little away-nibbler that draws Sehwag into the push before leaving him poking. Decent over from Fred, although that's a great diving stop from Colly at backward point to deny Sehwag a trademark square-slapper of a four.

From The Taxman, TMS inbox: "Chris Tavare giving catches on the long-on boundary? Clearly couldn't get it over the fence as he failed to score a single 6 in his illustrious 31-Test career."

11th over: India 71-0
KP calls for Samit Patel, but he keeps his powerplay hosed. Tendulkar waits and waits and then dabs with the delicate touch of a tip-toeing butterfly to pick up the cheekiest of fours fine. Singles aplenty elsewhere.

10th over: India 62-0
Fred to Sachin, and the little fella gets lucky again - another edge, this time skimming past Shah's ankles at first slip. It's all class next ball, though, a checked drive back down the ground for four more. India are actually behind England at the same stage, although England had lost two wickets by this point.

Hats off to Andrew Graves, amongst others, for a series of email revelations about Ian McShane that are far too rude for me to be able to include.

9th over: India 53-0
Broad replaces Harmie at the other end. He serves up a leg-side wide and then screams an appeal as Sehwag is clouted on the thigh-pad. Nowhere near. Sehwag flips one off his hips, and now the dew seems to be making a difference - that would have raced away to the fence before, but now it slows up like Rob Key running up a steep hill.

8th over: India 50-0
Fred coming on for Broad as KP looks to stem the rush of runs. Tendulkar, not at his best so far, chops one into the ground towards slip and then places a push into the covers. That's another three. Typical. You wait five matches for one three, and then two come along at the same time.

From Swampy, TMS inbox: "'The ghost of Chris Tavare stalks this ground' - I was taught biology by the great man. His teaching style matched his personality - boring, monotonous and without purpose. Having said that he used to face the school 1st XI fast bowlers padless and launch them one-handed for catching practice on the long-on boundary."

7th over: India 46-0
Two off the hips from Tendulkar down to deep fine leg. He then drives straight against Harmie and cuts uppishly for three - apparently the first three of the entire series so far. Can that be true?

6th over: India 39-0
Is that Colly with the mis-field? It is, and Broad's mood takes another battering. Tendulkar chops past his own stumps again and steam sizzles from Broad's ears. Sehwag, back on strike, steps back to a short one and pulls it effortlessly through midwicket for another sweet, sweet boundary. 30 off 21 balls so far from the flamboyant opener.

5th over: India 32-0
Smasheroo - Harmison drops short and is flayed rapidly over point for another Sehwag four. Two slips in still, so Harmie bowls a bouncer way over Sehwag's scalp - that'll be a wide, then. Next up Sehwag launches a fuller one way over long-on for four more, and follows that up with a clip past fine leg for four more. 13 off the over, and that's nobody's idea of tight bowling.

4th over: India 19-0
Yea...ooooh... Tendulkar slashes at one from Broad outside off and almost chops it into his castle, the ball scuttling away fine for four. Broad then beats him outside off; Sehwag gloves a loose one away for four more.

3rd over: India 10-0
Just viewed the Broad-strop again - proper sulky bottom-lip action. Harmison stays remarkably on the money and keeps Tendulkar stranded with a maiden. It's all happening.

2nd over: India 10-0
Tendulkar off the mark with a tickle to leg that the crowd greet like a rabbit from a hat. Sehwag waits for a short one from Broad and bashes it square again for another four. Uh-oh. Broad is then furious as a bouncer is called a wide. "What was that for?" he asks Umpire Saheba, three times. His papa's genes are there for all to see.

1st over: India 4-0
Three balls, three dotters. 100 times that and England will not only be laughing but probably very scared by the enormous weirdness of India finishing on 0-0 after 50 overs. Hold up - they needn't worry - Harmison goes wide and short and gets slapped away by Sehwag for four through point. Broad limbering at the other end.
1312: Righty - we're nearly off again, and it'll be Steve Harmison to take the new ball. In a one-day match. Gulp. Sehwag and Tendulkar stroll out to a deafening reception.

ENGLAND INNINGS

50th over: Eng 270-4
Still no boundary for KP - don't think he's hit one for the last 15 or so overs. Hmmm. Hold on - eat your words, Fordyce - he batters one past the umpire's ear for a vicious four. Off the final ball KP almost bunts a reverse catch to Zaheer but instead misses out on a run as he stands there gawping.

KP concludes on 111 not out, Shah on 66, that partnership of 112 has given England a decent sniff for perhaps the first time in the series. India will need 271 to win, and we'll find out in about half an hour whether England have strolled off short-changed.

49th over: Eng 262-4
KP sweeps for two, Shah mis-hits for one. KP sweeps for one more to bring up the 100 partnership off 109 balls. Shah crashes one through the leg side, and that's going for four and - ouch. The ball flicks up off the boundary rope and slams the ball-boy bang on the snout. He reels away in pain and falls to the ground, clutching his bleeding beak. The televison company re-shows the incident five times in slow motion.

48th over: Eng 253-4
Great shot from Shah, drilling England's 25th boundary straight back past the bowler's toes. He hoicks away a slower one for two and then scampers a single before KP does the same. Two to go - can England reach 270?
From Steve, TMS inbox: "Bergerac would now get issued with a Tazer so my money is on him."

47th over: Eng 244-4

46th over: Eng 232-4
KP to 98 with a single down the ground, and to 99 after an exchange of singles with Shah. Roars around the ground as Pathan comes in.... and KP misses it. He'll have to wait. The run-rate's 5.04 an over, and you've got to wonder if that'll be enough.

From Graeme, TMS inbox: "A lot of filming for Lovejoy took place in the early summer evenings in the Saffron Walden market square. If you said you were production team, you could eat for free from the onsite catering van."

45th over: Eng 228-4
Four balls, four singles. Hold up - five balls, five singles. The ghost of Chris Tavare stalks the ground. Make that six. Good yorkish bowling from Zaheer, but England need more. Whisper it quietly, but is the skipper playing for his ton? Just 32 runs off that powerplay, and that's a flagrant waste.

44th over: Eng 222-4
A Catherine-wheel from Shah, slicing one spinning away through a gap in the covers for four. Still not enough boundaries - this is the fourth over of their powerplay, and there's only been two fours so far. KP to 94 with a single. Reckon he'll try to do it in showbiz style?

From Mark in Sussex, TMS inbox: "I'm having lunch with Robin 'The Ugley Governor' later today and been to his house - nice bit of thatch. If you include this, is that the first occasion of 2 contributors meeting on the same day of their texts appearing?"

43rd over: Eng 214-4
That's a little better - two twos to KP, followed by a strolled single to nick the strike. The outfield's slowed up here with the arrival of the evening dew, and if England can get above 260, this might be a competitive score. Still be nice to let rip with some fireworks, though.

From Chris in Walsall, TMS inbox: "Bergerac seems as though he's on a hair trigger, and would move too soon. Plus Lovejoy would probably hit him with a horse brass he'd been ageing."

42nd over: Eng 207-4
England won with 250 when they last played a one-dayer here, although that was a day, rather than a day-night, match. Still struggling to pierce the inner ring of fielders, with five singles off the first five balls, and England need something bigger here. Make that six from six. Hmmm. KP to 86 off 104, Shah 28 of 33, with the run-rate bang on five an over.

From Henry Bowers-Broadbent, TMS inbox: "Oh come on - even Midsomer Murders' Tom Barnaby could have Lovejoy. He's always too busy shooting Brechtian looks at the camera."

41st over: Eng 201-4
I've set that up nicely - KP signals for the powerplay within moments of the characters leaving my fingertips. Just three men allowed outside the circle for the next five overs. Shah can't do much with the first two balls and then nearly runs his skipper out off the third. That's more like it - a lusty blow back over bowler Zaheer's head for four, with a single off an attempted yorker for dessert. KP thwacks his blade into the turf as he fails to beat the in-field off the last ball.

From Pete in Manchester, TMS inbox: "Both Lovejoy (the character) and David Dickinson have spent time at Her Majesty's pleasure and, as such, would not be men to pick a quarrel with. 'The Duke' in particular strikes me as the sort of man who would sooner render a man senseless than let anyone get their hands on his smuggled prison fake tan in a can. A very dangerous man if angered."

40th over: Eng 196-4
KP drives Bhajji for one straightish, Shah pushes to leg for another. 1-47 for Harbhajan off his ten, and England have got to be thinking about their powerplay soon.

39th over: Eng 192-4
Ugly swipe from Shah at one across him, and he almost falls over with the effort. Next ball, however, he absolutely nails it - slamming a drive through the covers for a fence-slapper of a four.

From Adam in London, TMS inbox: "Rory (36th over). I agree that Bergerac would start as favourite, but with his Channel Islands heritage I can't help but think that an element of 'Big Fish in a Small Pond' complacency would kick-in, perhaps allowing the more street-wise Essex-based Lovejoy to out-fox him in the championship rounds."

38th over: Eng 185-4
Harbhajan launches a raucous ell bee appeal but KP survives, the ball pitching just outside the line. Just three runs off another tight over, and it looks like Irfan Pathan on for a wobble.

37th over: Eng 182-4
Shah is beaten twice outside off by Sharma as he looks to run the ball away behind square. The run-rate's just under five an over, but with KP parked on 78 that could change. Calm before the storm in Cuttack.

From Charles, TMS inbox: "I'm backing Lovejoy in the fight- he takes a few knocks and gets back up and often fights dirty. The suspicion is Bergerac has a glass jaw. If it was a car chase on the other hand..."

36th over: Eng 180-4
Ah, if England only had a Yuvraj. That's his 10 overs done, and he's shipped just 38 off them. Caps are doffed.

From Rory in London: "Lovejoy is all talk. Bergerac would destroy him 9 times out 10. However, Bergerac's alcoholism and dodgy leg could give Lovejoy the chance for the occasional victory."

35th over: Eng 178-4
Streaky from KP this time - he aims a boomer against Sharma and inside-edges fractionally past his timbers for four. Hong Kong phewey. After three well-run singles, Shah slashes at a wide one and almost holes out to Zaheer on the third man fence, the ball bouncing just shy and zipping through the fielder's pins for four. We're getting close to spicy time.

From Mike Bell, TMS inbox: "(re your posting in first over and subsequent) - I think Bergerac would beat Lovejoy in any fight, John Nettles is bigger than Ian McShane. However, it would be a fight to the death, and as Lovejoy lay breathing his last, Bergerac would pick him up and say 'Sorry'. Lovejoy would then heave out his final words: 'It's too late for that mate, I just died in your arms tonight'."

34th over: Eng 167-4
Yuvraj doing the bizzo here - England are struggling to get him away. The sun sinks sluggishly over the horizon as the lights shine bright against the evening sky.

33rd over: Eng 166-4
Streaky from Shah - an uppish drive that flies away off a thick outside edge for four through the vacant third slip slot. Ishant Sharma grimaces. Shah then middles one down the ground but a fine sprawling stop form Zaheer cuts off the boundary.

From Mark in Swindon, TMS inbox: "Jim B was a copper so I'd go with him to edge it as Lovejoy was always a lover not a fighter. In the episode where this happens their paths would cross when Charlie buys a fake Rembrandt off Tinker."

From Chris in Sandwich, TMS inbox: "Forget Lovejoy vs Bergerac - how about a fight between Lovejoy and David "The Duke" Dickinson? A real ding-dong battle over some rare antique artefact would be just the ticket this Christmas. I'd pay to watch that, mullets at ten paces gentlemen..."

32nd over: Eng 161-4
Owais Shah, near-hero of Bangalore, strides to the crease. He's off the mark with a single off Yuvraj, and this is a key partnership for England now. Getting dark out there - time for the lights to spark up.

31st over: WICKET - Flintoff c Tendulkar b I Sharma 0, Eng 158-4

From Graham Gatley, TMS inbox: "Re: 22nd over - to complete a rather unlikely circle, I have Babs from Pan's People's autograph on a small cricket bat I pushed under her delightful nose at a charity match in the mid-70s."

30th over: WICKET - Collingwood c Zaheer b Harbhajan 40, Eng 157-3

29th over: Eng 146-2
Brief appearance from Jimmy Anderson, jogging on with some fresh gloves for KP. Let's see what effect they have.

28th over: Eng 143-2
This is more like it - KP picks up a streaky four byes fine as a late dipper tickles his toe and flies away, bottom-edges a single and then sprints through for two as Colly shuffles off-wards and pushes leg-wards.

From Sam, TMS inbox: "Who do you reckon would win in a fight between Bergerac and Lovejoy?"

27th over: Eng 135-2

26th over: Eng 127-2
KP works a brace through midwicket, book-ended by edgy Colly singles. Let's put pedal to metal, chaps.

25th over: Eng 123-2
That's exactly what they were doing - Colly canters down the track and clouts high over midwicket for an almost-six four. That's the 50 partnership, off a mere 91 balls. Fire off the party-poppers.

24th over: Eng 116-2
24 balls since the last boundary, and the run rate drops to 4.8 an over. Maybe England are cunningly marshalling their resources, ready for a serious attack of flayage later doors. Maybe.

From Paul Smith, TMS inbox: "Sam: The Lovejoy episode you are talking about is called 'They Call Me Midas'. It does indeed contain a very catchy explanation of cricket to a Dutch art dealer. Many Lovejoy fans consider this to be one of the finest episodes as it also contains the RSC actor Richard Griffiths (who starred in the equally entertaining 'Pie In The Sky')."

23rd over: Eng 113-2
We should have been grateful - just a single single off that set of six. Colly is batting like a man blindfolded.

22nd over: Eng 112-2
Harbhajan skips in and rips in the tweakers, and it's four more singles to the tally. We're not quite in the Doldrums, but the sails are flapping loosely.

From Richard in St Neots, TMS inbox: "At my previous company we tried to book 'Lovejoy' to do the voice over for the company video, but he was too busy so we had to settle for Robert Powell instead (as in Jesus Christ married to Babs out of Pan's People)."

21st over: Eng 108-2
Singles apiece as Yuvraj rattles through his over at pace. The run-rate's down to five an over, with KP now on 41 from 45 balls and Colly 18 from 32. In the dressing-room, Owais Shah is chewing his chin-guard off with frustration.

20th over: Eng 105-2
Ropey old fielding again from India - Colly chips weakly towards deep midwicket but Sehwag makes only a token effort to get in the way, and the ball dribbles into the boundary rope for a a feeble four.

From Charles Gimbert, TMS inbox: "I seem to remember the last ever episode of Lovejoy being called 'Last Tango in Lavenham' and the series ending with Lovejoy being helicoptered away from his wedding, before the ceremony, by someone he owed money to or had wronged. Also have a memory of the lucky fellow taking Joanna Lumley out sailing from Maldon."

19th over: Eng 98-2
The floodlights are flickering and flashing like a mobile disco circa 1989. Four singles; Colly all effort and no middle.

18th over: Eng 94-2
Whoosh - escape for KP as he lunges at Harbhajan and gloves one just past Dhoni's grasping mitts. He then tries to smear one into the Bay of Bengal and toe-ends it through slip for four more. Flukey.

17th over: Eng 88-2
Yuvraj in from the other end as Dhoni goes for spin-twin joy. There are singles scattered everywhere and the England pair pick up the pieces. All rather quiet in Cuttack.

From Robin in Ugley, TMS inbox: "I'm being peppered with emails telling me Ugley has made national news.... Well the BBC cricket website. I am the 'The Ugley Governor' at the local primary school.... You can imagine the daily hilarity we have over the village name. Also, Lovejoy once walked out of our cottage in an episode. It was the biggest celebrity moment for me since I was on the Rolf Harris Christmas Show in 1983."

16th over: Eng 82-2
Time for a mid-morning Bhajji. KP prods back the tweak for four balls before strolling a single, and Colly gets no joy off the final one. 11 runs off the last five overs. Ouch.

From Nigel in York, TMS inbox: "Lovejoy was filmed in Essex and Suffolk. I once waited on the high street of Thaxted to see them film a ram raid scene. Never has mindless vandalism seemed so worthwhile. They should make it a weekly occurrence everywhere."

15th over: Eng 81-2
Colly aims a backhand slice at one outside off and misses by a mile. He then advances down the track at Ishant and is yorked by a ball that not only keeps low but scuttles past the timbers. Ishant, in benevolent mood, serves up a half-volley on leg-stump and Colly gratefully tucks in like a starving man. Time for drinks.

From Sam Matthews, TMS inbox: "Re: Lovejoy debate. Does anyone remember that episode when, as part of a scam, they got Tinker to (try) and explain the laws of cricket whilst posing as an English gent?"

14th over: Eng 77-2
I'm told that Colly has form in one sport at least - he's been thrashing the rest of the England squad at table-tennis back at the team hotel. Maybe he should use the pen-grip on his bat handle and see what happens. Finally he's off the mark, with a backhand top-spin through square leg for one.

From Buffy, TMS inbox: "The enigmatic Lady Jane Felsham was supposed to reside within walking distance of Lovejoy's cottage. This is actually pure fiction as the actual Felsham Hall is none other than Belchamp Hall in Essex. Tinker Dill would often be found cycling up to the front door on his push-bike. In reality this would have been a 20 mile trip. Surely too far for a tweed wearing 60 year old man."

13th over: Eng 73-2
Ishant to Colly, and that squealing sound you can hear is the brakes being applied. Nine balls Colly has faced now, and he's yet to get off the quacker. He's so out of form at the moment that he might as well be batting with a knitting-needle.

From Gary Brooks, TMS inbox: "Not sure if it's still the case, but Otis Lifts had offices in Reading. Therefore if you rang them they would answer "Hello, Otis Reading".

12th over: Eng 72-2
Colly decides to drop his scratchy anchor, and that's a maiden. Something very ominous about that over - batting suddenly looked like the hardest thing in the world.

From Ben Drury, TMS inbox: "Re: Lovejoy debate. I think the majority of shots for Lovejoy were filmed in Suffolk, the cast used to stay in a B&B up the road from me. I seem to think they filmed in a tiny village called Lavenham a lot."

11th over: Eng 72-2
Colly in at four today, and he watches in admiration from the other end as his successor as one-day skipper times a back-foot drive away past cover for his sixth four of the morning. Run-rate is around 6.5 an over, so it's pretty much level pegs at the mo.

From Sebastian, TMS inbox: "The headline was in fact 'Nasty Man Marries Ugley Woman'. Nasty is a village in Hertfordshire."

10th over: WICKET - Bopara c Yuvraj b Zaheer 24, Eng 68-2

From Matt, TMS inbox: "I once went out with a lass from Bushey Girls School. They were simpler times."

9th over: Eng 62-1
Glove-punching in the middle from the England blades as KP slaps behind square for another four. The outfield is so quick it's almost as if the strip is perched on top of a steep hill. Good running from the pair too as Ravi moves to 17. KP up to 21 already, at a strike-rate of almost 200.

From Eric Catchpole, TMS inbox: "In the Lovejoy novels of Jonathan Gash, the eponymous antihero seems to usually be living in a cottage near of a village within striking distance of a town bearing some likeness to Colchester. In the popular TV series he resides in several places never strictly identified but the local topography suggests frequently shot in the Saffron Walden region."

8th over: Eng 55-1
This outfield is as slick as ice. KP nudges one into the leg-side with minimum muscle yet the ball skims away all the way to the fence. A few balls later he steps across towards point and smashes a delight through square leg for four more. Zaheer does the funky teapot.

From Mike, also in Saffron Walden, TMS inbox: "Biffa waste management have a centre in Ugley. Makes me laugh every time I drive past."

7th over: Eng 46-1
Captain KP jogs out to the middle, whirling his bat above his head like a claymore. Bopara times one away sweetly through cover for four - quick outfield, this one - nibbles a single and watches anxiously as KP slashes at a short one from Pathan and top-edges over Dhoni for four. It's dicey again two balls later as a big drive snicks an edge which flies straight through the vacant third slip slot for four more. Gulp.

From Keith in Leeds, TMS inbox: "I was just wondering if the Ugley Women's Institute might want to meet up with the Idle Working Men's Club in Yorkshire?"

Can anyone confirm that there was once a newspaper headline that read: 'Ugley man marries Idle woman'?

6th over: WICKET - Cook c Tendulkar b Zaheer 11, Eng 33-1

5th over: Eng 29-0
Tickle fine from Ravi for a brace as I Pathan goes leg-side again, but the rest of the over is as tidy as sergeant-major's locker.

From Philip Hoult, TMS inbox: "You can buy outstanding pork and sausages at the Ugley Farmers' Market. Not sure when it is or the name of the farmer, but highly recommended."

4th over: Eng 25-0
Super shot from Ravi - a straight-bat drive back down the ground for four. More scampering keeps the scoreboard active, and this is England's best start of the series.

3rd over: Eng 19-0
Ropey fielding from India allows Cook to scamper a two. When a single gets Ravi on strike, there's an ear-splitting appeal for another lbw from Pathan - and quite rightly so. That looked like it was mashing middle and leg, but Umpire Saheba shakes a sorry head.

From Rich in Saffron Walden, TMS inbox: "Did you honestly have to include Ugley in with our town? How about Wendens Ambo? You can't go wrong with a village that has a pub called 'The Fighting Cocks'."

Rich - am I right in thinking Ambo was where roguish antiques dealer and mullet-wearer Lovejoy was supposed to live?

2nd over: Eng 15-0
Zaheer from the other end. Cook leaves two alone - one a wide - and then dabs a short one through gully and away for four. There's another wide as Zaheer gets his swing swinging too far, and a big ell bee shout as one jags back in. Bit of bat on that, says Umpire Harper.

From Peter in Cambs: "I once had the pleasure of attending a party in the Ugley Women's Institute hall. They weren't."

1st over: Eng 8-0
Irfan Pathan takes the new ball as the Cuttack Cru tune up. If anyone can think of a way of working (I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight in to this commentary, lob me an email. The left-arm seamer pings one into Ravi's pads and that's four leg byes fine - and three balls later the same thing happens. What a start for England.

0857: What a morning this is for Essex - Cook and Bopara to lead the England charge. They'll be dancing in the streets of Saffron Walden and Ugley.

0850: If you're a little unsure where Cuttack is, it's on the right hand-side about halfway up. If that's not exact enough for you, go to Mumbai and then go directly east until you hit the other coast. You still won't be in Cuttack, but the locals will be able to point you in the right direction.

From Mick in Tunbridge Wells, TMS inbox: "Morning, Tom. I was going to go out for the day, but the news that 'Biffer' Cook will open has stayed my hand. I think I'll stay in to follow the excitement on my laptop."

0840: 20 minutes now until we see the England openers stride out. If you fondly recall the days when England had a man who could hit 12 ODI tons at the top of the order, you might want to click on this link:

0833: And now the toss - Emm Ess Dhoni calls correctly, and decides to put England in. "We were definitely going to bat anyway," says KP, in bellicose form as always. "We have to try to get around 250/260."

0825: Breaking news from Cuttack, and what news it is - England have reacted to the crisis at the top of the order by bringing in Alastair Cook. Hold onto your hats. At the other end of things, the wayward Jimmy Anderson is replaced by the wayward-but-at-slightly-greater-pace Steve Harmison.

You know that feeling when you wake up starving, go downstairs to the fridge and find nothing in there but an out-of-date yoghurt and a wilted stick of celery?

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