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Day One
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four
Day Five
Day Six
Day Seven | | | PRINT THIS PAGE | | | | | FACTS | | Name: Morris Telford
Age: 33
DOB: 18/04/70
Occupation:Unemployed
Hobbies: Enlightenment, Philosophy, Bingo Favourite book – Ordnance Survey Map of Shropshire 1999 edition Favourite foods – Pickled Eggs Favourite band – Men From Earth *(shameless plug) Biggest inspiration – Marlowe Bidforth Worst moment –18th June 1986 Best Moment – 17th July 1995 Height – Variable Weight – Variable
| | MESSAGES | | | Is Morris a madman, a genius - or both? Have your say on our Morris Telford Message Board - and see what other people are saying about him. | |
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Real American drizzle greeted me as the plane landed at Birmingham International Airport, Alabama. No-one was there to meet me, thankfully the world press has yet to get wind of my quest for world harmony so I am not yet hounded by paparazzi or hindered by the unwanted attentions of big business wanting a slice of Moreton Say.
| Id like to see Saddam Hussain or Al Capone or Snoop Doggy Dog try to park their car illegally in Market Drayton, they wouldnt know what had hit them. | | | Morris Telford |
As soon as we landed I rang Toby.He was out. With Sophia. The men at customs seemed very nice at first, smartly dressed, short hair, uniforms. They reminded me of the West Mercia police in Shropshire, a wise and noble organisation and a protective force to be reckoned with.
I know the world is full of violence and lawlessness, but Id like to see Saddam Hussain or Al Capone or Snoop Doggy Dog try to park their car illegally in Market Drayton, they wouldnt know what had hit them.Id never seen a real firearm before and asked a customs officer if I could have a look at his. This seemed to agitate them and I regret reaching for the gun before receiving permission from him. After they let me get up off the ground they took me to one side and began searching my bag. They seemed particularly interested in my notebook and asked a lot of questions about the doodle I had done on page seven. It was supposed to bingo marker, but I can see why they might have thought it looked like a missile. Apparently just after I left there was some security alert at Heathrow. The trouble really started when I told them about how I met a man from Tie-Rack at Heathrow airport, I think they misheard what I said. There has been some talk of deporting me, but I do get to spend the night in custody so at least its free accommodation.
I spent my first ever night in the cells last night. It wasn’t so bad. I felt a bit like Ronnie Barker in ‘Porridge’, only instead of Richard Beckinsale there was a man in the cell next door who thought he was Celine Dion.
| I’ve promised to go and see Celine in Las Vegas if they release him in time to fulfil his contractual obligations there. | | | Morris Telford |
I’m 97% sure he wasn’t, although his rendition of ‘My Heart Will Go On’ did make me weep sweet tears of joy.
The officers here have been very nice to me. Robert, who looks like a younger Trevor McDonald, rang my Mother who verified who I am.
They tell me they just need to ‘further check the authenticity of my story’; and then I can go. They certainly seem calmer having spoken to my mother; she does have a very calming, though slightly nasal, voice.
I’ve been alone most of the day, still waiting to hear when I can go. I’ve promised to go and see Celine in Las Vegas if they release him in time to fulfil his contractual obligations there.
They let me go. I’ve got my bag back, my passport back, but best of all my freedom back.
The open sky above me is clear blue and I never, ever want to be incarcerated again.
| Alabama is so different from Shropshire it's almost like another country. | | | Morris Telford |
The sky in Alabama looks exactly like the sky in Moreton Say. Everything else is different.
Alabama is so different from Shropshire it's almost like another country. They have buildings that defy all reason, taller even than the high-rise flats in the other Birmingham, but all the lifts work and there is no smell of urine.
The people, while more coherent then some I met in the other Birmingham, talk with an odd drawl, as if someone else was dragging the words from their throats. This is what people call the ‘Deep South’ of America, so it must be like the Cornwall of the USA, I’ve never been to Cornwall but I suspect there are many similarities.
The food here is always so big. You ask for a sandwich and you get a loaf, you ask for a burger and you get the better portion of a whole cow. I asked for some teacake in a café and they had no idea what it was, hard to believe such a developed country can’t provide it’s people with toasted teacake.
The waitress, told me Bingo is illegal in some parts of America, but gave me directions to the Players Delight Bingo Hall, I’m very excited.
I’m staying in a hotel again, it’s very nice but almost completely devoid of any personality.
| I’m taking "Elvira" one of my favourite bingo markers, she glides across those boxes like a thing possessed. | | | Morris Telford |
I used to work with a man called Royston who collected models of trams and played the Tuba, the hotel reminds me of him. It’s very nice, but with a dark, empty, bottomless pit at it’s heart.
I go to play Bingo today. The noble sport of Bingo is an excellent way to meet people, and in Moreton Say is the primary form of social interaction. It both brings people of a common mind together in convivial surroundings and helps to discipline the mind.
I’m surprised that Bingo is illegal in some parts of America; they seem to classify it as gambling, which is of course wrong.
I’ve been playing Bingo since I was seven, sometimes the vicar called the numbers, so how can it possibly be gambling? It’s a game of skill and determination, of fury and passion, and never underestimate the advantage of a superior quality bingo marker.
The inscrutable art of Bingo is the king of pastimes, the Elvis Presley of Church Hall gatherings and I am leaving the hotel now for the Players Delight Bingo Hall and my first taste of the sacred cards for over a month.
I’m taking "Elvira" one of my favourite bingo markers, she glides across those boxes like a thing possessed.
I’ve only just got back. The Players Delight Bingo Hall was quite an eye-opener.
| The theft of another man’s marker is an unspeakable crime in Shropshire Bingo circles, akin to stealing a man’s horse in the Old West. | | | Morris Telford |
The people have taken the pure beauty of Bingo and warped it beyond all recognition. There was a foul stench greed in the air and a stale atmosphere of lost dreams and bitter lives.
No-one really talked very much, I always thought the mental agility needed to mark your card and chat at the same time was one of the main joys, not so in Alabama.
One old lady was playing eight cards at once and when I sat next to her and tried to introduce myself she wailed like a banshee and two men in Tuxedos made me move.
At one point I left my table to go to the toilet, when I returned "Elvira" was gone.
The theft of another man’s marker is an unspeakable crime in Shropshire Bingo circles, akin to stealing a man’s horse in the Old West, but within half an hour of entering the Players Delight Bingo Hall I was markerless.
None of this would ever happen in Shropshire.
The Bingo went on until quite late, I didn’t win anything but I did get 19 new complimentary bingo markers for my collection, all American ones with bevelled nibs and fluorescent ink, so the evening was not a complete loss.
I wrote an Email to the local newspaper today to alert them to my presence, perhaps they will give me a lead on some problems I can tackle.
Unable to make it to any of the Anti-War marches today I decided to make a personal statement.
| Now all those office workers will be greeted with the intriguing message "Be nice to each other like people are in Shropshire" and hopefully some of them will have the good sense to take my words to heart, perhaps visit Shropshire and taste the joy for themselves. | | | Morris Telford |
I had 1000 A4 posters printed. Yellow paper and bold black text – "’Be nice to each other like people are in Shropshire’ – (Morris Telford)", my original slogan was a lot longer but they charge per word.
I rode to the top of one of the tallest skyscrapers I could find today. The view from the roof was outstanding, a sweeping vista of manmade towers. A man was standing near the edge looking down to the streets below, I naturally assumed he was about to jump and ran over to stop him. As I wrapped my arms around his legs and started screaming, "Don’t do it", I realised he had a harness on.
The only jumping going on was my own, to conclusions.
His name was Bucky and he cleans windows, he was a window cleaner. Bucky looked like a younger Chewbacca, all hair and growls, but after we cleared up the misunderstanding he offered me a ride.
He has a great job, the wind in his hair, no-one looking over his shoulder, as much windolene as he can carry home.
Oddly, Bucky hated his job so I convinced him to change occupation; he is now pursuing a career in Dental Hygiene. Before he handed in his notice we were able to plaster all 1000 of my posters on the outside of the building, which was great because it made them nearly impossible to remove from the inside.
Now all those office workers will be greeted with the intriguing message "Be nice to each other like people are in Shropshire" and hopefully some of them will have the good sense to take my words to heart, perhaps visit Shropshire and taste the joy for themselves.
No reply from the newspaper yet so I decided to take more positive action. I made a large sign that said, "Ask me if I can help, I will be your friend" and walked to what seemed like an impoverished neighbourhood. People practically ran away from me.
| The truth is stranger than fiction, unless of course you read a lot of science fiction and fantasy novels. | | | Morris Telford |
Went back to the hotel. The hotel television has an astounding number of channels with almost no actual content to any of them.
I’ve been reading the kind words from people nice enough to leave me a message on the BBC Shropshire website.
I’m slightly disturbed by Tim’s enthusiasm, I do not want to become a messiah figure for office consumable clerks the world over, if you were all to follow my example right now, who would order all the paperclips? Instead try and find your own path, though I am happy to offer advice.
I am stunned that the Author Paul McAvoy would imply that my weblog is fabricated. I have given up everything to follow a dream and my road ahead needs to be paved with the flagstones of hope and freedom, not the uneven gravel of doubt and fantasy. The truth is stranger than fiction, unless of course you read a lot of science fiction and fantasy novels.
I’m very glad James the Shropshire Lad has brought to my attention the problem of IGMT building all over Ironbridge. I have Emailed IGMT and demanded an explanation.
If it requires my personal attention I will put it on my list. Thanks to Mike Batt for the advice on hitchhiking, it does seem an excellent way of meeting people and I shall adopt it as my main means of travel.
I won’t however be buying a money belt as they make me look stupid, I find it much more sensible to keep cash in my shoe. Thanks for the advice Mike, and for all the wonderful Wombles records you gave us over the years.
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