If you missed the live online chat with Ford Kiernan and Greg Hemphill on Friday 9th March, then don't worry. Here's the transcript!


Ian McKellar: Is it true that you are bringing out a song?
Ford and Greg: There are a couple of spoof tracks floating about, but as yet neither of us have warbled outside the bath!

Ross MacRae: When is the new series coming on?
Ford and Greg: November, we're writing it at the moment. Do you have any ideas? Any jokes? Because we've been out on the razz!

Steve Martin: How many people do you have in your team, and who are they, main acting team I mean?
Ford and Greg: Me, him, Karen, Mark Cox, Paul Riley and Julie Wilson-Nimmo and Tom Urie. That's them and there's naebody else gettin' in the gang.

Kelly-Anne Taylor: What is your favourite movie of all time?
Ford: The Wizard of Oz. I fancied the witch.
Greg: Jaws, for me.

Ian McKellar: What's your favourite sketch?
Ford: From the last series, the two old men arguing about John Wayne.
Greg: My favourite sketch would be the ice-cream van.

Ian McKellar: Nah, the best one was with the stun gun thing.
Ford and Greg: We like that sketch too. Heck we wrote it!

Thomas Horan: Kiernan, you're from Dennistoun, aren't you? Did you go to Smithycroft Secondary School?
Ford: No, indeed I did not. I went to Whitehill Secondary
...occasionally.

Ben Nisbet: How long on average does it take you to come up with a sketch?
Ford and Greg: Oh, about three hours for three minutes, aye.

HOST: Ford and Greg are now getting stuck into some wine - check out the web cam for live pictures!

Thomas Horan: Who's your favourite comedians?
Greg: Steve Martin and Chevy Chase...and Gary Shandling.
Ford: Billy Connolly and Gordon Brown.

Steve Martin: Who thought up the "ooohhhhhh" thing? I think it's great.
Ford and Greg: Jack Nicholson. He does it in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - therapy scene.

Ross Paterson: Jack and Victor are fans of the old music hall style. Do you enjoy writing these songs? (I'm thinking especially of one that mentions the blind school.)
Greg: Ford writes them. Next!

Tom Farrell: What radio station do you listen to while filming?
Ford and Greg: Alaska FM - next question!

Ben Nisbet: When the new series starts in November can we expect any new characters or will you stick with your current crop?
Ford and Greg: Nah - same old pish! Seriously, though, you can expect to see some new characters. Only today we were working on a couple of crackers.

Lydo: Do you wear a thong?
Ford and Greg: Yes, we do - thong tha thong thong. We also thong at chritheningth ath well.

Juliet Adair: Are you taken aback by the fanatical reaction to Chewin' the Fat in Scotland and beyond?
Ford and Greg: No, we always knew we were geniuses.

Ben Nisbet: Who writes the stressed-out man sketches and which one was your favourite?
Ford and Greg: Stressed-out man? Oh, Ballistic Bob. We write them. Greg: What's your favourite one? Ford: the restaurant one.

Norman Ferguson: Is it true you are making spin-off sitcoms for Victor and Jack and Ronald Villiers?
Ford and Greg: Eh...yes, but we think the Old Men will probably be first.

Nicky Smith: Boring question, but how did the two of you meet?
Ford and Greg: In a gay bar in Toronto. On the internet. In a public toilet. In Argos. In a public chat room. "Hi, I'm Greg." "Hi, I'm Ford."

Ian McKellar: Did you enjoy doing the panto at Christmas?
Ford and Greg: Panto was fun. After all, it's all about the kids, isn't it...?!

Martin Baxter: This is as mad a wasp.
Ford and Greg: Thanks very much - we'll be having that.

Thomas Horan: Greg, are you Welsh?
Ford and Greg: No!

Jinx: Will the stuff you're making for the pilot programmes be like Coogan's Run, or will Ronald Villiers get his own six-part show?
Ford and Greg: No, I think it'll be marginally different from Coogan's Run, although Coogan's run was funny.

Sam Cook: What is Karen (aka The Lonely Shopkeeper) like to work with?
(long silence...)
Ford and Greg: She's er, nice...real nice.

Louise Hamill: Do the "real" Glasgow neds ever hassle you for your sketches, or are they flattered by the way you portray them?
Ford and Greg: Nah, the real Glasgow neds hassle us for our wallets. "Gies a mad sketch..."

Elizabeth Anderson: Does your inspiration come from Joe Public?
Ford and Greg: No, it comes from Josephina Public, who lives in Easterhouse.

Willie: Where did the name Ford come from?
Ford: Well, if you've never had sex in the back of the car, you'll never know...

Willie: It was not the back of a Ford. I know...I was there at the time.
Ford: Subtle.

Ben Nisbet: I have another idea for the new series. Maybe the Lighthousekeeper could get his own back on Malcolm?
Greg: Yes, that could stretch to six half-hour episodes, I'm sure.

RobRoy: What gave you the idea for the Lighthousekeepers sketch?
Ford: Greg and I both live in a lighthouse just off Great Western Road. It's generally used to illuminate Hyndland and the local area. Location, location, location...

Ben Nisbet: In the new series will you be re-introducing the "good guy" sketches or have you laid them to rest?
Ford and Greg: No. It's run its course, as have the Lighthousekeepers. You heard it here first.

Lydo: Why do you wear silly hats?
Ford and Greg: What, like the minute, or do you mean Ronald or...?

Susan R: Will you ever do Largs Uncovered again? I thought that was hilarious.
Ford and Greg: We're going to bring back the fly-on-the- wall documentaries because we enjoyed them so much. The bowling one was good fun.

Elizabeth Anderson: Karen Dunbar is a very talented chanteuse. Either of yous fancy yer ticket at that game?
Ford: I, personally - no (he laughs).

Christopher Tracy: The camp 'Glesgae men' recently reeled off a number of Liverpool stereotypes. Do either of you worry about racism, or other taboos, in your work?
Ford and Greg: We try to avoid it at all costs. It's not part of our remit and should never be.

Jennifer McGhee: Over Christmas there was a clip of you on the telly where you were looking very young, doing Frank Sinatra impressions - I thought they were great. Any chance of seeing some more of it?
Ford: It was a clip show that was hosted by Ronnie Corbett, a close personal friend of Greg's(!), and it was ten years ago. When I could decide which side I wanted to part my hair. Now I part it from just above my arse, over my back and onto my forehead.
Greg: Yes, if you get him on a good day, you can play him like a harpsichord. Ha, ha - harpsi-ford!

HOST: Remember, our vidcam is broadcasting LIVE - follow the link on the homepage.

Thomas Horan: Do you enjoy Pokemon, says my son?
Ford and Greg: No, both of us are straight.

Thomas Horan: My boy never got that one. I will not explain! Ha ha!
Ford and Greg: Sorry, we meant straight poker players. (They do the international sign for poker to the webcam.)

David Bova: Have either of you taken part in the radio show 'Velvet Caberet', as both your voices are familiar from a sketch involving baboons...?
Greg: No. I own a monkey and Ford has the bones to John Merrick.

Iain Mason: I remember reading that you often welcome suggestions for new characters. I think I might have one - I have written a short idea. Where can I send it?
Ford and Greg: Send it to The Comedy Unit, Glasgow Media Park, Glasgow.

Flsoccer: Me and my friend are both 16 years old and have written a load of comedy sketches and made a 90 minute video on our camcorder to show our families. We were wondering what would be your advice on how to further what we have because recently we've seriously been considering making our own sketch show... What should we do?
Ford and Greg: End your interest now - you are future competition. Tape over it. Destroy the tape. This game is hard enough without two young wannabe upstart comics throwing their hat into the ring.

Elizabeth Anderson: Do you have any pets?
Greg: Ford has a cat, I have a dog. That sums up everything. Together we're catdog magic!

Robert McCulloch: Are either of you going out with Karen Dunbar?
Ford: I wouldn't even go out with Karen TO a bar!

Steve Martin: Where are you doing this chat from?
Ford: A phone box in Alaska. I've asked her and yes, it's definitely a phone box.

Ian McKellar: Are you always getting asked for autographs? If so, does it not get annoying?
Greg: No.

Robert McCulloch: Does the age gap between you cause any problems?
Ford: No, the hair gap causes problems, though.
Greg: He's saying does the age gap get between us, Granddad!

Stuart Gaffney: Have you ever been leathered by a ned who took offence at one of your sketches?
Ford and Greg: No, it doesn't even bear thinking about. A ned in leather?

Jonno Fat: You have your backs turned on the camera. If it is really you, turn around and wave 3 times!
Ford and Greg: Check out the camera for the wave, as promised.

Hugh Connolly: Oooooooh...the banter!

Aileen Wallace: Who are the other writers on the show? Is it hard doing the characters you don't write?
Ford and Greg: There are many other writers and we enjoy doing those characters too, ya dobber. One of our writers is the asian James Bond.

Jonno Fat: What are your favourite foods?
Ford and Greg: That's him started the masticating now.

Ben: Would you ever consider making a Chewin' the Fat movie?
Ford: Yes, we have already contacted Caprice and Dino De Laurentiis.

Annie B: When did you do the first series? I watched a video of it and you both looked about 20 years younger.
Ford and Greg: It was 1943, just before Tony Hancock emerged on the scene, Hitler was on the back foot, Dad's Army was but a pilot and Greg and I were working for the French Underground - The Clockwork L'Orange (in French accent).

Wesael: Don't they call it the Metro?
Ford: Woof!...as gag goes overhead.

Jess Munro: What do you think of other Scottish comedians like Elaine C Smith and Fred MacAulay?
Ford and Greg: They are wonderful, wonderful, wonderful artists. They should blend together to become a Fred C MacAulay. A baldy singing chat show.

Marion: Do either of you play any sport?
Greg: I play badminton, five a side football, I swim and I run, and I do Ford-baiting.
Ford: I do all of the above in Duke Nuke 'Em.

Wesael: Would you like your show to be shown at an earlier time so more people would watch it?
Ford and Greg: Yes, half nine in the morning for bored housewives and then again at half six for bored pensioners.

HOST: They are now sidetracked by the web cam.

Ford and Greg: Where are we? Yes, we are fascinated by technology. Normally we record and it's shown months later.

Annie B: Have you been on Richard and Judy?
Ford and Greg: No, we did the Big Breakfast a few months ago.

HOST: Check out the webcam for an improvised "artwork" by the lads.

Kevin Smith: Any of your shows done in front of live audiences or is it all canned laughter?
Ford and Greg: No, it goes out on Friday at half eleven.
How live can you be at that time of night?

Willie: How is the new baby coming along?
Ford and Greg: The babies are coming on great.

Jim Leary: Do you get abuse from the staff in PC World or Dixons?
Ford and Greg: Yes.
.
Annie B: Are you doing any live shows soon?
Ford and Greg: Not till next summer.

Steve Martin1: How many people watch the show, on average?
Ford and Greg: A million in Scotland, three million on the network. In the 1960's that'd have been a billion dollars.

Mr Singh: Would you like to work with Kulvinder Ghir or Sanjeev Bhaskar?
Ford and Greg: Goodness gracious me, no.

Darren Doohan: Have you ever been in Posso?
(HOST: That's Possil in Glasgow)
Ford and Greg: No.

Steve Martin1: Who would you most like to meet?
Ford and Greg: Somebody in Posso. ..Quick, you've got ten minutes - make the questions good!

Mandy: Who is the crappiest actor in Scotland based on?
Ford and Greg: All the actors we've ever met and their worst audition experiences.

Thomas Horan: Have you been down to Kilmarnock to get a pie before Bobby Williamson? If so, tell us the secret, please.
Ford and Greg: You could NOT get a pie before Bobby Williamson!

Ian McKellar: Why do you film most of your sketches in Clydebank, like the two guys in the shop and the one where Jack and Victor tried to get a free lunch?
Ford and Greg: That's no' right. The first two days were in Clydebank. We filmed the rest of the series in Duntocher, which is next door - the Beverly Hills of that neck of the woods. Duntocher, so good they named it wance!

Willie: Do you come from an acting family?
Ford: The Redgraves.

Caroline: Why the name "Chewin' the Fat"?
Ford and Greg: It means folk talking. It sounds better than "ya couple of baw-bags"!

Bench Herman: What do you call a Russian with a chest infection?
Ford and Greg: Haud on, let's guess. A Russian with a chest infection? ..Is it two-thirty? Is it Ivor Biggin?
Bench Herman: Nastycoff.

Dolly Sinatra: Do you like pakora and are there any shops local to you that sell it?
Ford and Greg: # I love the nightlife, I love pakora, I love the gobi... #

Willie: Will the show go overseas?
Greg: Yes, I posted one to my auntie in Alaska only this morning.

Marion: What are your "ned" names?
Ford: Greg's was Big Balloon and mine was Trumpet.

Marion: Has Ronald Villiers ever thought of entering for 'Stars In Your Eyes'?
Ford: Aye, tonight Matthew, I'd like to be Gregory Peck.

Michael McLean: Are you fans of more naturalistic comedy such as The Royle Family or Frasier, and can you ever see yourselves acting in such programmes?
Greg: Yes. I could play the dad with the stick.
Ford: And I could play the fat dad.

Caroline: Are you married?
Ford and Greg: No, neither of us are married. And on that note...we doff our caps (to the webcam) and bid you... available, over-18s, over-17s, over-16s, easy - keep it legal! - a wonderful and fruitful Friday night. We'll be at Clatty Pat's holding a copy of the Daily Record with our trainies stuck to the velvet sticky carpet, shouting: "Haw! We're aff the telly." Goodnight, ya maddies!