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We have put Jim and the saintly Ed on the John Reid diet.
Basically this means that we have taken away their keys to the Today humidor and confiscated their matches and we have put elderflower cordial in their Piat d’Or bottles and have wired up the fridge so that anyone who touches the foie gras sets off a claxon and a red light and anyone who touches the Boursin sets of a little bell and an amber light and anyone who touches the celery activates Sarah’s giggle button and a green light though this is not likely to happen.
They are also not allowed to hunt foxes though strictly speaking we didn’t have to do this until next February and in any event it is not something they have ever done or shown any wish to do and it is mostly John who shows interest in the suffering of other mammals though none of those are foxes.
It is all good news for Carolyn because she had more or less exhausted her cooking repertoire and had taken to filling up the dumb waiter with ready meals and TV dinners which frankly is not at all satisfactory and it is good news for Sarah also because there is less washing up and she can now devote herself to preening the swan and swabbing down “Ephraim” who took a sudden turn for the worse this week and started snarling at Jim because he’d knocked his tin of drinking Brasso off the occasional table.
We’re still puzzled as to “Ephraim’s” real name and though thousands of you have written in with suggestions none seems to fit.
The big event of the week, though, was the launch of our 2005 calendar which is all for Children in Need and which you helped us make because you sent us lots of cartoons which were all really rather cruel and funny. We’ve added a few that newspaper cartoonists have knocked up for us and they are all very good especially the one on the cover which shows excellent likenesses of John, Jim, the Saintly Ed (especially the saintly Ed), Sarah, Carolyn and lots more and you can even see on it John’s chains and restraints so you now know that these newsletters are true in every detail.
The other big thing of the week was Charles Clarke’s withering put-down of the Prince of Wales and his ideas on the purpose of education. Listen again: Interview one/Interview two.
Although we’re not allowed to have our own views here in the Today studio it sparked off really big debate when Mark Lawson came round for cup of green tea and a fairy cake. The saintly Ed is most definitely in the muscular mould of churchmen especially since his rowing days last spring and indeed it was his facility with oars and rowlocks that meant he was able to pose for the calendar in person and hence the startling likeness. And so there was lots of pushing and scuffling in the exchanges and at one point a thrown Kennedy’s Latin Primer scuffed the nap of Mark Lawson’s astrakhan collar, glanced off and landed heavily in Jim’s indoor herb garden.
I would have separated them but I have had to leave for yet another meeting in which we are to discuss how to cut down on the number of meetings we have.
Kevin
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