 | Guide Entry: Planet Earth
by John Milne
Mostly famous for its salsa dip, the planet Earth is still something of a backwater, well away from the main hyperspace express routes. It has a charming blue green appearance, which was recently used by the Galaxy's most famous interior decorator, Kootoo Jamalang, to decorate the interior of the Unusually-Smiling Sun King of Sirius B. Yet despite this outward tranquillity, the Earth is also a war-like place, and the idle hitchhiker can gain much entertainment from the planet's unique ability to blow up bits of itself on an almost hourly basis.
The Earth is also almost entirely populated by e-mails, mainly originating from the Spam Belt of Freeporn XXX (the thirtieth planet in a particularly popular system). Text messages also proliferate, but have in the main been neutered by vowel removal. In comparison, the human population is sparse but entirely un-neutered, and you may occasionally bump into them on your way to one of Freeporn XXX's many embassies, which are based in the back streets of every major city on the planet.
Humans come in all shapes and sizes, but physical perfection is achieved by only a select few: magnificently thin six-foot stick insects called 'Supermodels'. Kootoo Jamalang's recent exhibition 'Earth Women as Fancy Flagpoles' would have given metamorphic hitchhikers a reasonable idea of the look to go for. Other types of human may also provide the Galactic traveller with, in ascending order of importance: comfort, sex, Internet access and salsa dip during your stay. And remember that they generally welcome strangers with open arms, unless you happen to be green, three-headed and armless.
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