 | Guide Entry: Planet Earth
by Tim Cross
Ford Prefect reporting:
Imagine the universe as a giant painting. The artist, hangover heavy from umpteen Ol’ Janx Spirit’s the night before, probably decided Earth wasn’t up to much and stuck it out on the edge hoping it would be covered by the frame. Visiting Earth is like buying an unlimited travel train ticket. You rush to the furthest point away, only to find there’s nothing to do and it’s a phenomenally long time before there’s any means of travelling back. Most people end up writing novels to pass the time.
Interstellar criminals safely retire here, working as train drivers, escaping capture because they’re never where the timetables say they should be and the galactic police are only interested if you’re in the frame, not hiding underneath it.
Earth is unique in that the more extraordinarily stupid and silly you are, the more successful you become. Even the Ravenous Bug Blatter Beast of Traal’s too clever to prosper, so if you’re an intelligent life form, expect countless rejection letters.
A Good Pub Guide is published, but drink through the alphabet and you won’t find a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster; though the Galactic Council’s decree: pubs Must be Open Every Second (MOES) is enthusiastically observed by Themyellahbughers, a race popping up throughout the galaxy like Zagtamagalitatanicarzarly Thistle Weed.
Of other literature, “A Brief History of Time” is really very funny indeed, and “Lord of the Rings” is the only other book anyone ever mentions.
But don’t throw in your towel!
Louis Armstrong sings Earth’s praises in “What a Wonderful World” and yes, strangely, it is.
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