Maximum Music Monday

From Father Brian D’Arcy, a Catholic Passionist priest:

The Irish novelist and journalist, Maeve Binchy, humorously recalls a conversation with her late mother. As mothers do, she was diligently passing on words of wisdom to her daughter,

“Always remember”, she told Maeve, “that how are you, is a greeting, not a question”.

It reminded me of a kindly old monk who lived in community with me over 20 years ago. He was always capable of passing on a truth wrapped in a cynical jibe. One morning when he was close to death, I sat beside him as he re-arranged a small portion of porridge around his plate. “How are you this morning?” I asked. “Brian, over the years I’ve learned that the definition of a bore, is someone who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.”

“How are you” can often be the opening a person needs to begin an elaborate organ recital - “my eyes are failing” “my knees are aching” “I’m crippled with arthritis.” And, if you’re a man with a head cold: “I’m dying with the flu.”

All the same, genuine concern for others is one of the most precious gifts we have to give to our friends in these tough, impersonal times.

As a priest, I’ve discovered that how I listen, is far more effective than any words of advice I might manage to pass on. I must listen with my eyes and with the expressions on my face, as much as with my ears. People don’t hear compassion – they feel it; they experience it.

The American writer Rachel Naomi Remen tells a powerful story about a brilliant doctor she knew, who worked hard on his bedside manner. One day a grateful patient presented him with an ornate stethoscope which had his name engraved on it. He asked what prompted such an unusual present. “Because you listen to hearts” she told him.

I’ve always believed that if you love someone, showing them is better than telling them. But if you don’t love someone, telling them is preferable to showing them.

“How are you”, then, can be a meaningless greeting; or it can be an invitation for a real heart to heart, healing encounter that saves lives and cements friendships.