Gary Barlow, Joanne Froggatt, Colin Firth, Matthew Vaughn and The Script

Comedian & writer Paul Kerensa

 My left side is rubbish. It may be a coincidence, but I’ve got a clicky left knee, my left kidney’s dodgy, I’ve had 2 corneal transplants (both a la gauche) and my port-side ear gets bunged up. I’m only 38! On the plus side, my right half’s golden. My right knee’s champion, my starboard eye could see for miles, I’m right-handed and if I had to choose a favourite nostril – well you get the idea.

 So last week, hospitalized with a mystery belly pain, it was indeed on my left. Nothing serious, it turned out – but by the time they solved it, I’d been kept in several days, and missed seemingly crucial filming work. The self-employed creative curse. We all know, you can’t miss ‘Action!’ on a film set, or curtain up at First Night. Like super-gluing myself to this band, you stick to The Script – or lose the job.

Job lost, in hospital overnight, I caught Grumpyitis: symptoms of moaning and self-pity… Take one dose of humble pie a day till you improve.

 My irritation was put in context by the ninety-something in the next bed. I’d recover soon, lost some work, but he knew he wouldn’t see Christmas. He’d made his peace with it, he said, and just wanted to be home, walking his dog, while he could.

 Next morning, he was discharged. As he left, recalling my financial frustration, he approached me, with a smile, took out his wallet… and counted out some notes. I couldn’t believe it. He said, “I’ve learned this about money: You can’t take it with you.” Then he put the money back, and you know what? He took it with him. His point? Don’t chase that. He left for home, a wagging tail awaiting him. Chase that instead.

 “No one can serve two masters,” said Jesus. “You can’t serve God and money.” I may be split, into rubbish left and ‘alright’ right – but my attentions divide too. I chase the money, the prize, the glory – at what cost?

 St Paul suggested it’s not ‘money’ that’s the root of all evil, but ‘love of money’. Instead, we can direct that love, into doing what we love, for those we love, or with those we love.

 When I’m pulled in two directions, perhaps I’ll think twice, knowing deep down, that if it’s not right, perhaps it should be left.