Sara Cox sits in

From Julia Neuberger, Senior Rabbi at the west London Synagogue:

 It’s surprising that despite the fact we all know from an early age that none of us live forever we so rarely think or talk about the time which we all have to face when won’t be here any more. I’m just back from holiday in Ireland, where I met a doctor, Seamus O’Mahony, who feels strongly that he wants death to be de-medicalised. He says that everyone used to be familiar with death a hundred years ago - in childbirth, in epidemics, as a result of infectious illness, and, of course, in war, and that’s true- but now many of us have never even seen a dead body.

 The “bleakest funeral” he’s ever been to- of a friend in Amsterdam- was a terrible shock. The friend “had emigrated from his native west Cork more than 25 years before, and left behind all those things about Ireland he regarded as backward, such as religion. His funeral, therefore, was a singularly secular event.” No prayers, no psalms, no eulogy, but just the coffin placed in a hole in the ground.

 I think that’s really sad. Ritual really matters, even if many of us don’t believe in much. We need ways to celebrate birth and maturation, and ways to mark death, and support people who are grieving. We can use old rituals, or invent new ones. But we need something when we’re bereaved, and we ought to be able to show we’re grieving, such as by wearing a black armband, as people used to. That signals to other people that we need their comforting words. In Ireland, they say: “I’m sorry for your troubles.” Jews say: “I wish you long life”, or “May you have happy memories.” But it doesn’t much matter what we say, as long as we don’t cross the street to avoid the bereaved.

 Death isn’t quite the great unmentionable it was. But we’re slow in reinventing grieving rituals. It’s been too long since we really marked death and loss, and it’s been bad for us. We need to grieve, for our own sake and for those who have passed away. Happy memories!