Death Watch Beetle and Queen Wasp

Alison Steadman and Bill Paterson star as a bossy queen wasp and a death watch beetle as they reveal the truth about life in a draughty old attic in a house in Amersham.

The first of three tales, written and introduced by Lynne Truss.

Death Watch Beetle ...... Bill Paterson
Queen Wasp ...... Alison Steadman

The Death Watch Beetle is a wood-boring beetle. Having spent twelve years as a larva boring through a single rafter in the house with no one to talk to, our beetle is now an adult with about 5 weeks left to live. He has just three aims in life:

Firstly, to find a mate, which he does by banging his head on the timber "Oh Come on girls, .. I know you're out there ... Don't tell me this attic has ever seen such a specimen before. This lovely compact dark brown capsule of hard cuticle covered with yellowish scale-like hair and just under a centimetre long - it could all be yours!

Secondly, to make as much noise as he can.

And finally, to live long enough to see the roof cave in.

The Queen Wasp is very, very bossy, and very, very stressed. She carries the entire responsibility for the wasp colony and its thousands of inhabitants, all of whom are her own progeny. There is an enormous amount of work to be done.

"They call themselves workers, these girls, but quite frankly, none of them knows what real work actually is." It is lonely at the top too," I did consider leaving all this, at one point. None of them knows this; they'd be heartbroken to think I might have left them" and she is just beginning to lose her grip. "Bring me my list" she constantly yells.

Life doesn't get much more stressful than this.

Wildlife sound recordings by Chris Watson

Producer: Sarah Blunt.

First broadcast on BBC Radio 4 in June 2016.