Bake Off Winner

From comedian & writer Paul Kerensa:

On TV tonight, my wife and I are hooked on reality show ‘First Dates’ – spying on blind dates, and we root for them, from the comfort of our sofa, and marriage. Oh we’ve been there, so we heckle the telly with how we’d behave: Ask a question! Don’t pick your nose! Stop eyeing the waitress!

The dating game is like no other – once you master playing it, you can’t be a player any more, like those sports where you get really really good then retire... and maybe coach others. I'd love to give an earpiece to a single friend on a date, us in the next room guiding like Special Ops.

But then again, I was never actually that good. I met my wife and escaped a thousand dating disasters – but I’ve had a few. The date who turned up blind drunk... The date who texted her parents halfway through starter, asking them to come meet me by the time we ordered pudding for their opinion... Oh I’ve suffered my share of romantic failures. But then I’ve also caused plenty.

I’m not holier-than-thou. I have been that guy, the coward who didn’t call, romantically awkward and emotionally distant. I’ve never dumped by text, but I might as well have done by how sudden or distant my words felt. I’m blessed with a beautiful wife and children – I learned by my failures, and who did I hurt while learning?

I believe we’re all amateur humans, in God’s perfect creation gone wrong. We’re fragile, and broken, and when we break others we should do our best to mend them. We may feel hard-done-by, but we’ve hard-done others too: girlfriends, boyfriends, friends or family. So I will start with a big “Sorry!” to those I’ve wronged - and this alternative version of The Lord’s Prayer:

Forgive us our romantic failings, letting down friends, or the unkind break-ups and breakdowns we’ve committed against others... as we forgive those who romantically failed us, or friends or family we feel wronged by. Lead us not into bad relationships, deliver us from heartbreakers, for the perfect relationship might be divine, but in the mean time, may we treat each other well, and make a good impression, to the date’s parents, if they show up for profiteroles.