Could you be Joan Le Carre?

MI5 is recruiting spies from Mumsnet. There’s a big push to recruit more mothers to secret intelligence. So we asked one of our agents to write a job spec for maternal spooks. Are you ready for your briefing? Standing by with your code breaker, burner phone and packet of wet wipes in case anyone has sticky hands? Then read carefully and destroy once you’ve memorised it.

Essential skills

As a mum-spy, these should be second nature to you:

1.Ability to know exactly what someone is doing in another room without being able to see them.

2.Ability to reconstruct a scene from a jumble of half truths, defensive gambits (“it was mostly broken already”) and stout denial (“I don’t’ even know what a vase is!”).

3.Proven ability to decode ciphers. (“Hi gonna B out l8r idk about hmwk (insert smiley face with sunglasses emoticon))

4.Understanding of and ability to cultivate informants. “I’ve made jam tarts, if anyone would like to tell me exactly where the goldfish has gone and how it got there?”

5.To assume a wide variety of aliases on social media for tracking purposes.

6.Proven memory skills while multi-tasking, i.e. remembering which piece of kitchen towel you used to wipe up the cat sick and which one you’re about to wrap the slice of birthday cake in.

7.Demonstrable network of well-connected contacts. (“Right. I’ve spoken to the parents of everyone at that party and nobody else knew it was a sleepover…).

8.Proven ability to avoid undesirable situations without controversy. “(Sure, I’ll take you to the gig and wait to drive you home. I might come in with you, actually. I like a good boogie.”)

9.Attention to detail; doing a last minute swerve from accidentally buying a yoghurt with bits in that no-one will eat.

Desirable skills:

1.The understanding that silence means danger. “Russia’s gone very quiet. That probably means Russia’s watching something it shouldn’t on YouTube.”

2.Bluffing. “I know exactly what you did on Friday - do you want me to tell you or would you like to explain?”

3.To carry an air of menace and a packet of tissues at all times.

4.Negotiation. "I have the wifi codepassword. What am I offered in exchange?"

5.Superlative memory skills. "Your PE bag? Last seen in July when you flung it jubilantly under the rabbit hutch to mark the end of term? Yes, you'll find it under the rabbit hutch, full of mildewed shorts which presumably you'll be wearing today."

If you think you've got the majority of these skills then GCHQ would be very glad to hear from you. Don't bother about letting us know, we've been following you since you left the house this morning. Nice shoes, by the way.