What Self-Service Checkouts Really Think
>>Hello...
>>Thank you for using auto checkout.
>>Will you be needing a carrier bag?
>>You have requested 1 carrier bag. Despite the fact you have a cupboard full of bags-for-life under your kitchen sink.
>>OK, let's get you checked out. Please scan your first item.
>>Please scan your first item.
>>PLEASE SCAN… oh for goodness sake, look, it’s on the side. There. No, there!
(beep)
>>Please place your HAEMORRHOID CREAM in the bagging area.
>>I’m sorry. Was I shouting?
>>Please scan your next item.
(beep)
>>Please place your low fibre, high saturated fat crisps in the bagging area. That explains the HAEMORRHOID CREAM.
>>Please scan your next item.
(beep)
>>That’s a lot of WINE.
(beep)
>>Have you not read the new health guidelines?
(beep)
>>Unexpected item in the bagging area.
>>Your item is unexpected because it is guacamole. I did not have you down as a guacamole-eater.
>>Have you finished?
>>You have pressed Yes. You have forgotten the tea bags, which is what you came in here for, but it’s too late now.
>>UNEXPECTED LANGUAGE IN THE BAGGING AREA.
>>Do you have a loyalty card?>
>>That is the WRONG loyalty card. This implies your loyalty is in doubt.
>>Please insert your card and enter your PIN.
>>No, the PIN for this card.
>>Thank you.
>>Please remove your card and pick up your bag. Its handles will get disconcertingly longer when you are half way across the car park.
>>Thank you for using auto checkout. Have a great day.
>>Well really. There’s no need for that.
