International Women's Day: A postcard to my younger self

8 March 2016

To celebrate International Women’s Day 2016, BBC Arts asked a selection of leading women in the fields of arts, culture and politics to send a postcard to their younger selves, offering a piece of wisdom, advice or simply reflection. What did they say?

Retain the great sense of optimism, spirit of adventure and belief in progress that you learned from your parents. Believe in the fantastic. And never neglect your friends and family, they will always be your greatest support. You will need the confidence to take new steps every time; hard work will give you that layer of confidence.

Always believe in your work - it will carry you through any difficult situation, but learn to adjust your thinking every once in a while to fit the moment. Never give up. You won’t always get everything right every time – but you have to keep trying. Have the commitment to persevere.

Your success will not be determined by your gender or your ethnicity, but only on the scope of your dreams and your hard work to achieve them. Understand the importance of trusting others. Learn from the skills and experience of other people. Teamwork is very important.

In 50 years you will return to Rome to build the MAXXI, the Italian national museum of 21st century arts; a place that will attract artists and visitors from around the world, with the local community using its galleries like a Roman piazza each morning, afternoon and evening. It won’t just be a museum; it will be an integral part of Rome itself.

Nicola, be yourself and don’t be afraid to be your own woman in politics. It may feel as if politics is a man’s world but don't feel pressure to act as some male politicians. Don't let other people put limits on your ambition - work hard, learn from your mistakes, believe in yourself and always follow your dreams.

“You don’t look clever.” I was 17. I shall always remember my pleasure and relief when I heard those words, spoken by the brother of my best schoolmate Lucy. She had obviously boasted of having “a clever friend” and now it was up to me to fool him: the more brainless the better. That way he would undoubtedly find me attractive.

I wish I could go back and tell Antonia Pakenham aged 17 not to be such a fool (so much for being clever). Intelligent people are always attractive to other intelligent people - and who wants to be pursued by idiots? Well, maybe I did, if the idiots were tall, dark and handsome.

So I wish I could assure my young self in addition that where both men and women are concerned, intelligence lasts far, far longer than looks and makes life infinitely more fun.

Oh, Maureen, try to find a way to express what you want, clearly and kindly, without anger or rancour and stick to it. It will stand you in such good stead. Channel any residual anger into comedy.

Now that you are 14 and in art college it’s wonderful to see your world opening up around you. I can see that you have found a place where you are surrounded by kindred spirits, a place where you feel anything is possible. But Celia, I have a couple pieces of advice that I urge you to adhere to: However glamorous you think smoking looks and however much peer pressure you are under please resist the temptation to light a cigarette.

Now that I am in my 70s I find it an absolute bugger to give up. I love it and yet it is terrible for my health and not so kind on my pocket – let alone the awful stench the stale smoke leaves everywhere. I will not judge you if you start – I just know that once you do it will be one of the hardest things to give up. So, keep it simple and don’t smoke.

My second bit of advice is to not waste time worrying about the small things on your face or body; like the blemishes that appear in the morning, about the fact that your hair is straight not curly. Worrying makes us anxious and unhappy, and uses up energy that could otherwise be invested in your art work and studies.

Love yourself for what you look like today, for you are cool and unique and wonderful and fun. You do not need to prove this to anyone with a perfect complexion or a ridiculously stylish outfit with not a hair out of place and you certainly do not need to prove how cool you are with a puff of a cigarette.

The things other people say to you reveal a lot more about them than they do about you. When you are 11 years old and men start to shout at you in the street; when you feel panicked, and embarrassed and ashamed, you don’t have anything to feel guilty about. But they do.

When a much, much older man asks you to “stand still” so he can slowly, smilingly read the words written across the front of your T-shirt, you don’t have to. It feels like you do, because you’ve always been taught to be polite. But we don’t teach girls that nobody has the right to leer at you, or make you feel uncomfortable, or touch you without your consent. Your body is yours and no one else’s.

Wearing a short skirt doesn’t make you a slut, and wearing a sweatshirt doesn’t make you a prude; you’re not too fat or too ugly, too clever or too confident. When boys are studs and players but girls are slags and whores, there’s a double standard going on that has nothing to do with you or anything you've done.

When people treat you like an object, they’re trying to make you smaller. When they stereotype you, they’re trying to put you in a box. When they mock you with sexist jokes, they’re trying to shut you up. You don’t know it now, but years later you will look back and you will know that they were afraid of you.

To my eight-months-pregnant self, standing up on the delayed London tube for an hour between Balham and King’s Cross, waiting for someone to stand up and let you sit down… just ask someone to let you sit down. There is no use being a martyr, getting yourself so frustrated and hating everyone here.

Stop being so worried about asking people. It is very unlikely that those young men and women sitting in the seat labelled for you have any of the leg, bladder or back problems you are thinking they might. You’ve done nothing wrong, love.

Do not be ashamed of yourself or this body. I know it seems odd, uncomfortable often. But try to look at the bump beautifully, stand up as straight as you can muster physically and go and ask that person to please stand up. If they can’t, ask someone else. Don’t cry. I know you want someone to offer, but some days, no-one will. I know you hate them all right now, but the hate won’t help either.

Don’t judge every human by this group of busy London commuters. Perhaps they’re as stressed as you. Breathe, be confident, don’t worry that your face will go beetroot red and just say: Excuse me, please can I sit there, I’m pregnant. You are allowed to ask. You’re right, you shouldn’t have to, but just do it. I know you need the toilet and above all else, you really don’t want to wet yourself on the tube right now.