Rosemary Versus Romcom

Comedian Rosemary Fletcher knows the romcom back to front, in art and life, and she’s here to ruin it for you.

Let’s start at the beginning. There can be no romance, nor comedy, without a Meet Cute. Whether you’re having your golf ball stolen by Katharine Hepburn, as Cary Grant is in 1937’s Bringing Up Baby, being rescued from a rogue rubbish bin by The Wedding Planner’s Matthew McConaughey, or, as in Serendipity, both trying to buy the same pair of gloves (we didn’t say they were all good) from the moment your eyes lock, we know you’re getting it together within the next 100 minutes.

And once your couple have met, how can you tell that they’re falling in love?

They hate each other.

The more bitter and spiteful the banter, the deeper the passion goes and the more inevitably the film will end with a huge snog.

Thanks to Hollywood’s unfathomably high standards for women, the makeover has become a staple of the romcom. Glasses come off, hair comes down and why, Miss Fletcher, you’re beautiful! She’s All That? Makeover. Miss Congeniality? Makeover. Moonstruck? Makeover. That these are Hollywood actresses slumming it behind of a pair of specs makes it all the more farcical: Anne Hathaway with slightly thicker eyebrows still looks quite a lot like Anne Hathaway.

When we’re not focused on the male lead’s charm or the female lead’s personal grooming, there might be room for a couple of other characters. The romcom gives straight women someone they can always rely on: the Gay Best Friend. Camp, romanceless and always available to solve our heroine’s problems at the drop of a hat, the romcom GBF is representation at its most minimal: queer, but barely here at all.

Rupert Everett might be there beside our female lead being all angular and emotionally supportive, but that’s no basis for a great love story. The romcom values one thing above anything else: persistence. Dogged, unending, one-sided persistence. Behaviour that in the real world would at best get you a restraining order is held up as not just romantic but funny too. How adorably whimsical that he hired a Private Eye to track you down! What devotion, to film a wedding video that is only focusing shots of you! Oh, he’s hiding in your bins at night!

The course of the romcom must never run smooth: misunderstandings, heartache and unfulfilled longing all have their place on the road to happily ever after. But how do you know that Your One is The One and not just A One? The Decoy Love Interest! A conventionally attractive but slightly less famous actor is there to provide a handy romantic comparison and an easily vaulted plot obstacle, all in one.

And here we are, having met-cute, bickered-cute, been made-over, followed around and fixated upon. Our gay best friends have rushed to our aid and our ex-fiancees are taking rejection very well. All that remains is for leads to finally confess all, but how will they know they’ve hit happily ever after? A gentle smile crossing their faces? A hand slipped into hand during the scary bits at the cinema? An un-requested, yet perfectly timed cup of tea? Not in the romcom. Love isn't love unless it's declared publicly, noisily and preferably with a tight deadline.