Coming out as trans: two personal stories

Finding a partner is hard, but finding a partner when you’re trans is harder still.

And most existing families break apart when a spouse comes out as transgender.

Justine Smithies and Tadhg McMullan are two transgender people living in Scotland, each with a unique story.

By Justine Smithies, transgender female

Julie & Justine Smithies

I spent the first 36 years of my life trying to live how society had told me I should as male

Before I came out as transgender I was a shy reclusive person.

I didn’t have many friends and would never really go out unless it was with my family. I found it very difficult to interact socially, for example I couldn’t go out for a coffee on my own like everyone else does.

From about primary school age I knew that there was something wrong.

It was very difficult to make male friends as we just had nothing in common. And I couldn’t make female friends either because I always thought I’d be found out, or that they would find it strange.

I spent the first 36 years of my life trying to live how society had told me I should, as male, but I knew that I was female inside and this nearly destroyed me.

So one night, with nothing else to lose as I just couldn’t go on as I was or I would no longer be here, I blurted out to my wife Julie during an argument that I was a freak.

It sounds bad, but I was terrified and I thought that’s how the world was going to see me from now on. To my surprise – after many nights of shouting, screaming and nearly calling it quits on our marriage – Julie said that she would support me as she still loved me as I still love her.

We’d said in our vows “For richer for poorer, in sickness and in health” and those vows meant something to us both.

By Tadhg McMullan, transgender male

Tadhg McMullan

Being trans male is more complex than not wanting to wear pink frilly dresses when you’re three

It was not that I didn’t want to be male before then, it was more that the world had consistently rejected my masculinity.

I always felt male.

I raged every time I was asked to wear something feminine for an event or family photo. I giggle when I see those pictures now as I think that, 30 minutes before that smiling moment with my sister and brothers, I was a nightmare.

When I was a child, the term for me was tomboy — and I would grow out of it. I look back and feel sad that the person I was was constantly rejected.

What I learned from my formative years was I was not good enough or of any significance. That behaviour created a lost young adult who never knew how to build a life for himself.

I fell in love and gave my all to partners with nothing being built for me. I couldn’t put words to what was missing.

When eventually I came out, I was attending University to retrain for office-based work. I found it amazingly supportive and non-judgemental as long as I was straight about what was going on.

I was really proud of that college.