Student Diaries 2003: Ciaran

I've been here for one week already, and thought I'd condense my experiences for you down into this one entry.

A week can seem really long, sometimes. Especially if, in that particular week, existence as you have known it for the past 19 years changes as completely as is humanly possible. It had occurred to me that this might happen, but nothing can, or ever will, prepare you for the realisation that this is it. For me at least, this is about as real as it gets.

The rest of my life has apparently arrived, introduced itself and moved in for good over the past seven days. Ladies and Gents, welcome to University Life.

As this is my first entry, I suppose I'd better begin with a CV of sorts. My name is Ciaran. I'm 19. I love music and most days I wish I was off somewhere being a rock star. I'm an ordinary, single bloke studying English and Creative Writing at Manchester Metropolitan University (although after having seen the size of my reading list, I think I'd rather be doing a degree in needlework. Ahem).

I also have Cerebral Palsy. I would say you can't win 'em all, but that would be stating the obvious and I'd rather just stick to being vague and cryptic. This writing is, as I'm sure you're aware, part of a weekly diary to document my first month of life as a Genuine Student.

At this early stage, I suppose it would be feasible for me to categorise the events and happenings of the past week into a good and bad, pros and cons type list. But that seems far too clinical to me. Consequently, if no one else has any objections I think I'll just ramble until my fingers get sore or I fall asleep. That seems fair enough.

First off, let me say that pretty much everything you hear about the first week of university is a lie. It is billed as a week long orgy of sex, drugs and booze - but if my student flat is any shining example of typicality, it's more like a week sitting in your room feeling homesick and wondering if you've done the right thing. It's about frequently asking yourself how the hell you could ever have thought that trading in all the comforts of home for a room the size of a shoebox, a stack of watery Pot Noodles and a house full of people who seem to deliberately avoid each other as much as possible was a good idea.

That's not to say things don't or won't pick up - I've been out a fair bit this week, drunk more than my fair share of recreational beverages and heard more names than I'll ever remember. For example, on Thursday night nobody in my flat was doing anything, so I went out with some people from the halls across the road (one of whom is my PA, but I'll come to that later). It was a good laugh.

As far as access in general goes, from what I've seen so far there are definitely some major improvements to be had. To start with, if I remember rightly my room is described by the University as "adapted accommodation". If this is true, then in this case adapted clearly does not mean accessible. In the end it comes down to the fact that there simply isn't enough space to function comfortably - I have to keep my en suite bathroom door open just to turn my chair around in the bedroom. Also many of the doorways aren't that wide.

There are other issues - such as shelves being in the wrong place and the fact that I'm the proud owner of what is possibly the world's smallest and most awkward wash basin - but to go into any more detail right now would just be depressing.

Going out is a 50/50 experience in that there's drop curbs almost everywhere, which means if you're on your own and you happen to encounter a non negotiable drop you're pretty screwed. It's the same with bars and pubs - of the main drinking holes I've visited this week, one had steps up and another had no steps but a disabled loo with a door so narrow I had to literally 'go' in the doorway.

The union bar had a loo that was on another floor entirely (according to the guy on the door anyway); turns out there is actually a big enough loo in the Men's. The Cornerhouse is fairly on the ball except you have to ask for a key and again it's pretty small once you get in.

Anyway, this portion of the tour of my mind is now ending. Lectures start tomorrow.

Had first seminar today. It was alright. My chair can't really fit under the tables though, which is very annoying.

The uni provides Learning Support assistants to help during lectures and seminars, but no help turned up for this seminar; luckily all I needed to do was scribble a few facts down on some handouts, which I managed. Met a few people, briefly.

Am having a meeting tomorrow with my stepdad and my two PA's to discuss how that whole situation is going. It's a very odd thing to have to do, to start organizing your own care after being used to having it done for you for so long. At the moment, I must admit it feels very strange trying to step up my independence levels and simultaneously paying two people vast amounts of cash to be at my disposal. It's almost isolating in a way. But I suppose it will become clear in the coming months what works and what doesn't. Early days, as they say.

Had meeting today with my stepdad about recruiting another PA. I met her today, her name is Jo. She has done this kind of thing before and seems to know what she's talking about. Seems cool.

Might go out to a place called The Zoo later tonight, with some people from halls - as everyone in my flat still seems pretty quiet. We'll see.

Had my second seminar today (as opposed to lecture). Seminars are the smaller classes where you sit and discuss stuff and make various attempts at sounding intelligent. It's nice, but this particular seminar is a straight three hours. Something I'm realising about uni is that you really have to love what you study, because pretty much all your energy is concentrated on that one subject for the entire time you're here, and there's really no time or way to do anything else academically. Once you're in, you're in.

My personal tutor is a nice guy too. He must be in his 50's, he's from Mexico and for some reason he's acknowledged on the inside sleeve of the edition of Dante's Divine Comedy that I have. But what's more impressive is that last week he went clubbing and met Jordan, the supermodel, and he's mates with Peter Hook (Joy Division/New Order bassist). Rock 'n' roll.

Today was my day off so I went and spent a load of cash on all the books I need for this course. Interesting. I felt a bit like Harry Potter in those first few days before Hogwart's, except I wasn't buying broomsticks and spell books and invisibility cloaks. It was more civilised and less exciting. I wish I had at least one evil wizard to defeat whilst I'm here, but it looks like I'll have to be content with using my powers to analyse and critique the insightful ramblings of Greek literature instead. Ah well.

Didn't go out last night either, as something slightly odd happened. I can't be bothered to go into great detail, but basically Matt (one of my PA's) and myself were going to go out to this place called The Zoo. He told a load of people that we were planning to go there and invited them along. They said they were all too skint and/or tired, and then promptly went anyway without telling us. It pissed me off, and I started to wonder if it was because they found it uncomfortable to be around a disabled person. I dunno. Maybe it's just coincidence and they genuinely all changed their minds about going out, but it still seems a bit off to me.

I have noticed that quite a few people I've met have obviously had NO real life experience of anyone with a disability, and are either extremely patronizing or just try and pretend you aren't there. Both are extremely annoying. I think I'm gonna have to work hard whilst I'm here to educate some people and get some opinions changed. I've certainly got my work cut out for me.

Met up with my brother last night in the union bar. It was cool - I got him to buy most of the drinks! I also forgot to mention that yesterday I met up with a guy from BBC Manchester who took some photos of me in my natural surroundings (just outside the union bar). Hopefully these can replace the slightly goonish ones of me that are already up and floating around the Ouch website (They already have, Ciaran! - Ed) The Beeb guy also asked me to write a review of the Radiohead gig I'm off to next month, which is really cool and something I can't wait for. Radiohead rule.

Today was my busiest day, but in the few hours I had off I took a trip to the supermarket and did a fairly big shop. I don't mind admitting that it's the first time I've really done that sort of thing on my own (well, I say 'on my own', but Jo was with me) and it was quite an experience. There's a fair amount of unreachable shelves out there in the big world of corporate supermarkets. Also, a woman came up to me and asked me about where I got my wheelchair, as her husband wanted one of a similar style. Nice lady. I hope she finds what she's looking for.

Anyway I'm going to leave it here for now, as I'm supposedly going out in a bit. Hope it turns out better than my last attempt at social integration. Time will tell, I guess.

My head hurts, but it was worth it! For those of you unfamiliar with either the terms 'Pat Sharpe' or 'Fun House', I urge you to go and do some research before continuing to read this. It's for your own good and the story will make much more sense that way.

I went out to a 'School Disco' night at the union bar, where the head DJ was none other than Mr Pat Sharpe. There was a gang of twelve of us - which included me, Matt and (I presume) some of the people who were supposedly too tired to come out with us on Tuesday. We get in and of course it's packed - I would say between 1,000 and 1,500 people in total. After a few drinks one of our group decides we should do our best to get to the front in time for the arrival of Mr S. After a few minutes crowd negotiating this is, surprisingly, achieved and we are all pretty much at the foot of the stage, waiting in the heat and the sweat to see the man himself.

Then all of a sudden, two bouncers on the other side of the stage spot my chair, amble over and simply lift me on stage. The main attraction has not arrived yet, you understand, so at this point I am literally the only person on stage apart from the bouncers. Naturally, the place goes wild. Then, when Pat arrives, I rush over to greet him and tell him what a legend he is.

However, the greatest moment of all comes later in the evening when he hands me the mike and asks me what I think of his mullet wig. I tell him I think it looks beautiful and he turns to the entire crowd and says, "Everybody, Ciaran says it's beautiful!" Needless to say I got a lump in my throat and, as far as I can remember, I spent the rest of last night drinking vodka and apple juice in halls until about 4.00am. I must now go and drink some fluids.

Today I went to see about joining the rowing club. It was all the way across town at Trafford Rowing Club. I think I'll give it a go as it would be a good way to meet some people. When the guy approached me at the Freshers' Fair he seemed pretty keen for me to do it, but I can't figure out if he wants me because he thinks I'll be a good coxer - steering the boat from the back and shouting commands at people - or because I'm disabled and it would look good for the team to have a token advert for the University being equal opportunists. Call me a cynic, but I'd put my money on the latter.

I was going to go meet my mate Mark tonight for a drink somewhere in Deansgate, but it turns out we are both as lazy as each other and can't really be bothered. I'm knackered anyway. Good night.

I like Sunday. It is undoubtedly the laziest day of the week. Today I slept in, read some poetry, ate a little, drank a little and I'm just about to go back to bed. Before I do though, I thought I'd tell you something about Friday night that I forgot to mention.

One of my fave bands, Elbow, were playing at the Academy. I went down there with the intention of buying a ticket from a tout and getting in. I hadn't thought that the tout prices might be ridiculously expensive and so decided - after going up and down the road a few times and seeing that all tout prices were easily up to four times the original price of a tenner - to give it a miss. I was with one of my PA's, Peter, and we decided just to go for a few drinks. As we walked away from the venue and around the corner on to a quiet street, I noticed an open window and a very familiar sound. Stopping to listen, we realized we were hearing none other than Elbow practicing their harmonizing skills in their dressing room. Neither Peter or I recognised the song - but still, I thought it was pretty cool and that you guys should know. If you don't have any Elbow go and get Asleep In The Back and Cast Of Thousands now. I guarantee you'll thank me for it later.S

Well, it's been an OK week really. Meeting Pat Sharpe was definitely the high point. I'm also starting to get to know people on my course a little better now - and in my flat - which is good. In fact, the girl in the room opposite me has great musical taste and an appreciation for the Official Greatest Band In The Entire History Of The Known Universe - Counting Crows, of course - that is similar to mine. Which is nice.

I'm going to head off and wrap things up soon, as my computer keeps shutting itself down for no apparent reason - which is very annoying, especially at this time of night. A few things first, though. First, I've had no support in any of my lectures or seminars yet. This isn't too bad right now as it's only the beginning, but as things pick up speed I will need notes taking. Access Summit in Manchester rung me up nearly a week and a half ago and told me they'd be in touch to sort something out. They lied. This is clearly crap.

Second, my room. They've put one grabbing bar in the bedroom that I needed; now they need to lower the bed so I can actually use the bar effectively, and they need to put another bar in so I can get up from the loo easier. Also, it would be much easier if the bathroom door was a sliding door. I'll get onto all of this.

Thirdly, my equipment hasn't arrived yet. I don't know what's going on, but apparently my LEA hasn't received confirmation that I've started uni yet. God knows why.

Lastly, some personal mentions for my friends at my old college who've started reading this diary (please don't edit these out). Joe, I know you aren't linked to any football related scams that might be going on right now. You're a wholesome chappy from Blackpool. Besides which you can't play football anyway. You're in a WHEELCHAIR. Patrick, you Geordie nutcase. If you're reading this I expect you need a piss. Stop reading and go. Russell, you are a good friend. You have an unusually large skull and a tendency to stroke the feet of all the wrong people. Hanrahanrahan, you're a tart. I'll see you all soon.

Didn't do much at all today, apart from another mammoth three hour creative writing seminar. Today we discussed Aristotle (again) and the fact that all the stuff supposedly written by Homer wasn't actually written by Homer at all. Homer is just a collective name for a bunch of stuff written around a certain period. Some of the text from The Illiad or The Odyssey was probably written by the same guy, but a lot of the other writings and poems had no traceable origin, so after the last major Greek writing was done (I think about 800 BC, but I could be wrong) these guys just bundled it all under the name Homer. He may never even have existed, apparently. It's all Greek to me ...T

I'm more than a little bit drunk now and it's actually about one o'clock on Thursday morning, not Wednesday at all. I've had one of those days where complete and total randomness ensued. Up until about 5.30pm I was feeling pretty crap as I had a cough/cold/flu thing and it was my day off, so I was basically sitting around feeling ill. Then a fella from the Beeb rings up and says, "I know it's short notice, but do you fancy reviewing The Thrills at the Academy tonight? There's two tickets on the door reserved and waiting." Well, how could one refuse? It would just be rude, I thought to myself, not to capitalise on such an opportunity. So I rang my colleague and associate Peter, who was at this point partial to The Thrills, and he agreed to come along.

If you don't mind I'm going to leave this story here for now and continue it tomorrow evening - I know it's cheating slightly, but as I said before I really am rather smashed right now and I (technically) need to be in a lecture in about 8 hours. It might be a good idea to at least attempt to get some sleep. Maybe.

Well, unsurprisingly I missed my nine o'clock lecture this morning. Woke up at 10.00am - but Mum, if you're reading this, don't worry, because I made it to my twelve o'clock, and my 3.00pm seminar, and I got someone from my class to give me notes from this morning.

That reminds me. When I first started here I was promised access support for my seminars and lectures for writing notes, etc; but I'm still getting no help whatsoever! It's getting stupid. I will ring the access provider company in Manchester at some point within the next week and scream at them. I have also decided to buy a dictaphone for lectures. It'll make things easier and that way I can actually take something away from them, rather than just sitting there. I may as well not bother going otherwise.

Before I continue with my Thrills story, I'd just like to note that today is John Lennon's birthday. He would be 63 now if he hadn't been killed. R.I.P. John - "Imagine all the people, sharing all the world."

Today was my other day off, so I did a bit of reading and attempted to start an essay that needs to be in for next Thursday. But it didn't work - I'll do it later. Went out earlier this evening at about nine with a few people from my halls. Started out at a pub called The Pub, which was great except for the huge step at the entrance. Then went on to the Springbok where I was (conveniently) not charged the staggeringly ridiculous entrance fee of a fiver. I thought it was rubbish in there anyway, full of nutters and idiots dancing to abysmal tunes. One fella who was walking past actually had the ignorance to ruffle and pat my head. That hasn't happened to me since I was about 9 years old, and if I hadn't been busy getting hammered I perhaps would have shot him.

After Springbok we went on to a slightly cooler but equally expensive place called M2. Again, I was neither searched at the door nor charged the entrance fee. I certainly hope this is going to happen regularly. That was quite a good bar, although I did feel slightly forgotten when everyone I was with decided to sit (or rather stand) around a high round table. It's hard to strike up conversations with people when you're sat down and they're stood up - and it's a bit more difficult when there's a chunk of table in your face. Eventually though, some seats freed up and everyone moved.

Had another complete stranger come up to me, shake my hand and tell me that his mate was in a wheelchair - so apparently that meant he was "feeling my vibe". Fair enough. Some people are weird.

It's nearly 5.00am on Saturday morning now, so I'm off to bed.

Didn't have much time to write at the weekend, but basically on Saturday I got up late and went to see a film called Spellbound (it's really cool, go see it if you can), then had a few beers - but nothing too exciting - in the evening. On Sunday I got up even later and did even less, really. Busy, as you can see ...

Today I went and got a dictaphone for lectures and spent much of the day saying stupid things into it, then playing it back at either faster or slower speed - a very productive afternoon. Tomorrow I've decided I may have to forgo my three hour seminar as I'm feeling a bit headachey and crap again. I'll see how I feel when I get up, I suppose.

By the way, my bed has been lowered and they've put another grab bar in the bathroom. Now I just need to get the door converted into a sliding one and my room will be pretty much sorted. I found out what's going on with my LEA equipment as well - my computer needs more RAM in it before they can install the stuff. So I'll sort that out for definite this week.

Oh yeah, I never finished the story about what happened at The Thrills gig, did I? I went with Peter, got there, and the access provisions at the Academy were, by all accounts, piss poor - despite what they had told me on the phone. So I ended up watching the entire thing from the sort of side/back area where all the equipment, amps etc are stored.

Afterwards, I had just bought a Thrills hoody and was coming away from the venue when we casually spotted what Peter thought could well be The Thrills' tourbus ... well, one thing led to another and we ended up backstage with the band. Actually, that's not strictly true - we were personally invited backstage to meet the band, and I can honestly say that The Thrills are all genuinely nice guys, especially Daniel and Padraic who bought me beer. You should all go out and buy their album So Much For The City, and I urge you to go see them live if you get the chance. I think my review of the show is still out there somewhere on the BBC Manchester website (yes, it's here - Ed)

Anyhoo, I'm off to bed, so I'll see you all next week. TTFN.

Didn't go to my three-hour seminar today - I felt ill, plus I'm working on an essay that needs doing by Thursday. They won't miss me, I'm sure.

One thing I did do was go and buy a dictaphone to help me in lectures - recording the entire thing will mean I have to go back and pick out the relevant notes, effectively twice the work, but I suppose I'll remember more stuff that way. Anyway, despite what sceptics may say I think you do pick up quite a lot from just being in the lectures in the first place, even if you don't take notes. Or maybe that's just something lazy people say. I think it's probably a healthy mix of both.

Still working on the essay. I have to admit I spent quite a lot of time yesterday playing with my new dictaphone. As a good way of breaking up essay writing and efficiently wasting loads of time, you can't beat saying stupid catchphrases from Bo Selecta into a dictaphone and then replaying them at either fast or slow speeds. I highly recommend it. (For those of you who've never seen Bo Selecta, it's a completely warped Channel 4 programme that has quickly, and quite rightly, developed cult status. There's no point in me trying to describe or sum it up - just go and buy the DVD).

Ended up going out last night to the Academy - there wasn't a gig there, just a 'night' on. Cheap beer (especially if you sneak some in), cheesy tunes - interspersed, thankfully, with a few classics - and a lot of drunk people dancing. A good time was had by all, although there was a slightly cringeworthy moment when the exceptionally pleasant female pushing me back to halls (she insisted) said, "This is a bit like pushing my four-year-old brother in his pram." It was, I'm sure, meant as a totally innocent and heartfelt comment that unfortunately came across as unintentionally patronising. However, in my book it is - and should be - classed as one of those things that you just don't say.

It made me realise that however hard you try to educate and inform, some people will never 'get it'. It was a bit of a conversation killer - the tumbleweeds rolled past - and I was slightly taken aback and disappointed.

Anyway, back to the grindstone - I'm off to see Travis at the Apollo tomorrow night and this essay needs doing tonight. The gig can be my reward for not missing my first major university deadline (hopefully).

Not got time to write much as I'm off out to the aforementioned gig in about five minutes. I used the dictaphone for the first time in lectures today and it seemed to work out OK. My seminar tutor has said she'll try and get me notes for each lecture as well, which will be useful. Anyway, taxi's going to be here in a minute so I'm off - it'll be a bit of an adventure as I'm going on my own. Here goes.

The gig was good, the view was quite good and the venue was really good. Getting back was even reasonably straightforward. Getting there was, however, a complete nightmare. The taxi took an hour to arrive, and when it finally turned up the guy said, "Shall I get the ramps out?" Stupid question as I am, quite unmistakably, in a wheelchair.

So even though I told him that, yes, he would need to get the ramps out, he insisted on having a go just by tipping the chair up and trying to get me in that way. When this didn't work, he finally got the ramps out. I then tried to drive up the ramps, but because they were the crappy ones and my driving isn't exactly precision style at the best of times, I was a little off-centre and didn't quite make it. I prepared to reverse and give it another try, but the driver insisted that I wouldn't fit in and he would have to call a 'wider' cab that could accommodate my chair. This was clearly rubbish, as I have managed to get in the normal cabs before when someone else has been there with me to lend a hand - It's a bit of a squeeze but still manageable.

So I argued with this guy for as long as I could be bothered and eventually let him go, but not before I sat and watched him order another cab. I then sat in the freezing cold and waited another twenty minutes for a second taxi. This time, thankfully, both the driver and the cab were a lot more hospitable - and at least I've discovered that getting to the Apollo only takes 10 minutes from where I am. The whole thing was very frustrating, though.

Travis rocked, which made the whole fiasco (just about) worth it.

Went to see Kill Bill last night. It is AMAZING. Go and see it. Today, I went on a music-buying spree with my PA, Peter. It was very therapeutic. Ended up going inside a church as well, which is something I've not done in a very long time. It came about as Peter was giving me a kind of mini tour of the city centre, and there was a sign outside a church advertising a free concert by some guy on a piano. We went in to have a look and found that we'd missed the piano thing, but there were rehearsals going on - a choir practicing really old religious songs from centuries ago. We stayed for about fifteen minutes. It was weird but cool at the same time - pretty intense.

Well, last night was a success in so far as I got myself into bed without assistance for the first time ever whilst at uni. It might seem like a pretty small thing to write about, but really it's a pretty big development (for all the obvious and not so obvious reasons).

Today, I met up with Matt and a guy that he knows who is in his second year doing medicine. He wants to use me for some project or other he's doing, which involves interviewing me and asking me questions about the ol' Cerebral Palsy and how it affects my daily life. I've agreed to it as it seems like it would fit in quite well with this whole diary thing.

So then, I've come to the end of my first month at university - although it seems like a lot longer - and this is my final diary entry for Ouch! It's been a wild ride, without a doubt the longest and busiest four weeks of my life thus far.

Today I didn't do too much though, just a two-hour seminar on research methods. It dragged slightly, I have to admit. I also bought the new album by The Strokes earlier. First impressions are that it definitely equals its predecessor. Very cool.

Anyway, back to business. How would I sum up uni life so far? The answer is: I can't. There is no epitaph or concise, witty and memorable one liner that I can drum up to effectively describe or summarise the past month. What I will say is this: you just have to let it happen and dive in at the deep end, because if you spend too much time worrying about the situation you're in - rather than simply accepting it - you'll just go under. I've realised that over the past few weeks.

Without trying to sound sycophantic, keeping this diary has helped me to make sense of what's been going on, and understand more about my situation personally. Everything from getting PA's recruited, through sorting out my room, to meeting The Thrills and Pat Sharp, as well as just getting to know new people and being away from home - it's all been a huge bloody great learning curve. Bearing in mind what has happened in these first few weeks and all the stuff I've got up to, I think that the next three years are going to be very interesting indeed.

I've very much enjoyed writing this diary; I hope all you guys have enjoyed reading it. It's a hell of a journey so far and, as the main man Vinnie Jones put it at the end of Lock, Stock - it's been emotional. Over and out.