Seamus Heaney's Wee Finger
by Carla Houston

"There's more talent in thon's wee finger Than you craters'll ever see If you could only pinch some of his talent Success I could then guarantee."

The group was The Holywood Writers
The Library, the scene of the crime
The tutor was trying a new ploy
Most thought she was wasting her time.

There's a knack to inspiring a writer
And Val Mac was ahead of the field
She'd a great love for aul Seamus Heaney And hoped some real gems this would yield.

So the class, biting slur cutting deeply Joined together in making a deal They would sneak off to Queen's Heaney Centre Some talent from him they would steal.

When they got there the Big Man lay sleeping Being a Bard takes a hell of a toll It's so hard to think, you can turn to the drink Or sell to the Divil your soul.

So Toadflax, the writer's ringleader,
A literal man through and through,
Chopped off Seamus Heaney's wee finger
And stuck a plastic one on with some glue.

No-one was any the wiser
As Heaney's career crashed and fell
But Toadflax's first book -
"Guilty Things Hide in Nooks"
JK Rowling's next tome did outsell.

The press said that Holywood Writers
Had suddenly come into their own
The talent, the book deals, the millions Yet they still made the Library their home.

But at night, under cover of darkness
In the stacks when the world was asleep
They bowed down to the pinkie,
Now pickled in drinkie
And vowed that their secret they'd keep.

But the Divil's a one for his cheating
And the muse wears off terrible quick
So Toadflax convened, and together they schemed Another wee victim to pick.

No author's immune to their menace
There's no telling how far they will go
For in with poor Heaney's wee finger
Now swims Sam McAughtry's Big Toe.

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