I'm Not Drunk, But I Have Drink Taken

By John McMenamin

When I’ve had a good libation
Of alcoholic stimulation
I turn into a hateful little puke
I think I’m oh so funny

As I spend my hard earned money
And my face takes on a stupid gormless look.

I giggle like a ninny
At the barmaid in her pinny

And show her photos of my little dog
I start making awkward passes
As she grimly washed glasses
I’ve turned into a nuisance with the grog.

I slabber over strangers
Talk bout Celtic and bour Rangers
Then sing a song of famine and despair
My eyes are red like rabbits

I display my drunken habits
As I stand there with a boozy wild-eyed stare.

I stagger to the loo
Tripping ‘Oer my shoe
Then come out with drunken smile upon my face
I’m looking for some fun
Never see my zips undone
Someone mutters, “What a dammed disgrace”.

I give a drunken shout
“Over here. A pin of stout”
The barmaid looks my way with angry stare
I say, “You’re a nice we doat
Would you like to get your coat
And you and I could go out on the tear”.

Now my mood is changing
My features rearranging
I’m maudlin and feeling sentimental
So I stagger to the loo
To shed a tear of two
I’m not hard, I’m sensitive and gentle.

The way ahead is plain
I’ll change, be born again
Devote my life to praying and good deeds
I’ll knock drink on the head
Before I end up dead
Lying in the gutter, with the weeds.

Then I forgot about Jehovah
Turn into a Casanova
When the barmaid bends to lift a case of bass
I lean ‘oer the bar in hope
That I’ll get a little grope
My searching fingers find her plump wee ass.

The barmaid cries “Be-Jesus
Did you see that brute seize us?”
The barman, grabs my throttle with a roar
My feet are off the ground
And my head is spinning round
As he kicks my arse and throws me out the door

By now, I’m all for fightin’
I throw a drunken right un’
And smash my fist against the pebbled wall
The Barman yells, “You boozy
How dare you grope my floozy”
He hits me hard, I crumple up and fall

As I lie there in the gutter
I give a drunken mutter
And find that I have somehow wet my pants
But I’m not going home
To sit there all alone
I stagger up and head off to a dance.

CHEERS.

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