YER TYPICAL ULSTER MANBy John McMenamin
Why is it that the men are slow
Going to the Singles Night?
Perhaps, they're not romantic
No, I don't think that is right.
Are all men shy? Yes, I think they're shy
Cause I feel the same way too
It's hard to go up to a girl
And say, "I fancy you". I met a girl, a nice wee girl
She smiled and said, "Hello".
I stood there like Herman Munster
With both arms hanging low. I felt a fool. God, I felt a fool
When she said, "My names Elaine".
Why did I have to gulder out
"Dis it do damn all but rain?" I can smell my fear, I can smell my fear
God, she'll think I have BO.
Then, looking down, I see I've got
Some dog turd on my toe. My face got red. God, it got wild red
It looked like a traffic light
And I stammer, like a woodpecker
Pecking at a tree at night. A wave of sweat, runs off my back
Like the wild Atlantic Sea
It trickles through my crevices
And gathers, round my knee. I feel a fool, God I feel a fool
And my collar is too tight
Is my zip undone?-IS MY ZIP UNDONE?
God, that gave me some fright. When it comes to girls. When it comes to girls
They must think I come from Mars
How is it, I can talk all day
To strange men, in smoky bars? My shirts all wet, God my shirts all wet
And it’s sticking to my skin
And my bellies, hanging over my belt
God, I wish that I was thin. I fancy her. God I fancy her
She’s so soft and sweet and nice
She smells of roses in the dawn
And I smell of—Old Spice. Then she says to me. Yes she says to me
Would you like to have a dance?
My left leg turns to jelly
And starts to shake inside my pants. I try to dance. God I try to dance
As we glide around the floor
I tread on her toes, but she’s very polite
Just a little squeal and not a roar. Then she says to me. Yes she says to me
What is it that you do?
Why can’t I lie like other men
As I shout, “I’m on the Brue”. Then she slaps my face. Yes she slaps my face
God, I don’t know why I bother
Just because I whispered in her ear
Do you fancy-you know-how’s your father? I go home alone, yes I go home alone
And I curse my wretched life
As I throw my clothes down on the floor
And climb in, beside - the wife. <...back | 
