LOVE HURTS or "BIG NELLIE"by John McMenamin Big Nellie was a spinster
And worked hard on her farm
She had blue veins on her big fat legs
And tattoe's on her arm. She was well known to the farmers
Who gathered at the mart
They'd often seen Big Nellie
Lift a bullock off a cart. She was strong as a navvy
And smoked a big cigar
Drank porter by the bucket full
As she stood there at the bar. She never washed, or combed her hair
And smelt of farm manure
She'd sit and growl "I'll see you boys"
Then stagger to the door. Big Nellie never socialised
She was never at a dance
You'd find her talking to her cows
In a pair of army pants. And then one day, Big Nellie changed
The news flew round the mart
Big Nellie had been punctured
By cupids little dart. Paddy Reilly was the man
Who melted Nellies heart
He was dashing, he was handsome
And he drove a horse and cart. Big Nellie took to the make-up
Like a pig will take to muck
Lip-stick, powder, even soap
To try and chatch the buck She splashed it on like white-wash
Her eyes were full of tears
And everytime Big Nellie smiled
She got lipstick on her ears. Then Nellie bought a mini-shirt
Wee Paddy for to tease
But she still wore big red bloomers
Which came down to her knees She painted on mascara
But she didn't have the knack
One eye, it was sapphire blue
And, the other it was black. She even tried to clean her teeth
I saw her by the door
It didn't take her very long
She only had the four. Then Nellie bought a wonder bra
And crammed the whole lot in
Pulled and heaved, until her chest
Was underneath her chin. She didn't have no earrings
Ah such a sight to see
Wearing two bright golden balls
From a Christmas tree Her hair was long and matted
With a patch or two of mange
But she tried to put a curl in it
With a poker from the range. She didn't have any jewellery
Cursed and cried, "Ah heck"
The set off to look for Paddy
With the dogs chain round her neck. When Paddy saw her coming
He went weak at the knees
I've drank too much tonight thought Paddy
And got the auld DT's. Big Nellie leapt on Paddy
And pinned him to the ground
Her wonder bra exploded
And she spread out all around. "Take me boy" growled Nellie
"And wed me in a church.
Or I snap your back, just like a twig
If you leave me in the lurch." Poor Paddy, he was in a daze
He face was turning blue
If he didn't give in, he was going to die
So he weakly called, "I Do". And so the two were married
Big Nellie, she wore white
And I hate to think of Paddies fate
Later on that night. So girl, if you want a man
Forget your feminine arts
Jump on the bugger, like a wolf
That's the way to win their hearts. And men you have two choices
You can always run away
Or dress up in a bright pink suit
And let on that you're--gay. <...back | 
