A Fish Supper and Two Thongs Pleaseby JP McMenamin There’s a sex shop where my chip shop used to be
What am I going to get now for my tea? No one ever told me
The chips had been replaced
By knickers made from PVC
And basques so tightly laced. A rubber man stands proudly
Just inside the door
And a G-string hangs seductively
Where it’s never come before. The coke machine has been replaced
And the fridge that held ice-cream
By handcuffs, whips and other things
Guaranteed to make you scream. I staggered to the counter
I’d been all day in the pub
Just one though was in my mind
I had to get some grub. I asked for a battered sausage
The girl, shrieked in alarm
“I’m afraid we don’t do that here Sir
It could cause long term harm.” Her eyes were big as saucers
When I asked for mushy peas
She fell against a rubber doll
That was aptly called, ‘Miss Tease’. “Have you anything to eat?” I slurred
Giving her a drunken stare
“We have some thongs” the young girl said
“That taste of orchard pear.” “We stock a range of G-strings
That taste of summer fruits”
I stood there with a silly grin
That’s usually seen on newts. “Have you any cod?” I hollered
I’ll admit I am obese
And soon round my under-carriage
I wore a red cod-piece. I fell against the counter
A small box fell on the floor
“You’ll have to buy that” said the girl
“’Cause now it is shop wore.” I handed over twenty pounds
Muttering, “Bloody hell”
She handed me a battery
Made by dru-eh sell I don’t know what the yoke is for
It’s cigar shaped, and quite wee.
I use the yoke each morning
To stir the sugar in my tea. I bought a doll called Mandy
And some nights we will dance
If I hold Mandy tightly
She gets fierce flat-u-lance. She is my new companion
I take her everywhere
She never asks for anything
All she needs is air. I’m in the shop quite often
Dressed in my dirty mac
A perverted smile upon my face
And a hump upon my back. I found a magazine called JUGS
I gave a crafty peek
It was full of jugs, but dam a wan
Had ever seen Belleek. There’s a sex shop where my chip shop used to be
And each night I have crumpet for my tea.
“Would you go into a sex shop Ian?”, “NEVER-NEVER- well, maybe.”
<...back | 
