I don’t like to talk about it…
This Friday is Red Nose Day and this year Russell will be taking the helm for an hour to navigate between the all-star comedy antics and the harrowing documentaries- not an easy job. I’ve been working n the script and the main thing you realise is that Comic Relief requires smooth gear changes between the jovial and the serious, slip into the wrong gear at the wrong time and the wheels will fall off. Russell is more than capable of doing this perfectly.
I however would not trust myself. I seem to have a part of my mind that is against me. Perhaps its immaturity, but sometimes at the worst possible time my face will let me down and split into a grin and then before I know it I’m laughing and trying to make it look like I’m coughing, or laughing at something in the distance, or at a half-remembered joke, whilst shocked turn to shake their disappointment at me. Nervousness makes me laugh, the straight-faced hush of Churches makes me laugh, the time I went to a classical concert and an old man did a massive, involuntary burp in the Albert Hall made me laugh. Every time it went quiet I would have a laughing fit into my own programme as that evil part of my brain replayed the event to torture me. The people behind me must have thought I had a condition whereby I suffered spasms that were triggered by hushed auditoriums.
Once I was in a business meeting, when I was a kind of journalist for a website. We had to write reviews of shops and businesses in our area and we also had to try and sell advertising space to these businesses. Well, as we were paid mainly by commission, everyone in the meeting was intently listening to the boss describe the system which could supposedly make us rich. He wanted us to make preliminary telephone calls to said businesses as a ‘tester’ to see if they’d be interested in the website. The problem was he kept referring to these calls as ‘tester calls’, which of course sounds very much like ‘testicles’. Now, I can be mature and serious when I need to be but once something has amused me I cannot fight the smirk, if I try and put something funny out of my mind the part of my brain that hates me drags it up every four seconds. I have bitten my cheeks, driven my fingernails into my palm, thought about people I love dying, and even thought about that music from ‘The Littlest Hobo’- nothing works.
‘…so once you’ve put in one of your tester-calls’
‘…see how they respond to your tester-calls’
‘…a tester-call can really open doors for you’
The man talking to us was so serious. He had his mobile clipped to his belt, he was one of those men who say ‘basically’ all the time, his suit jacket didn’t fit him so he had one big shoulder and one small shoulder and, mainly, he didn’t know that he kept saying ‘testicles’. I was crying and doubled-over with laughter but no one else was laughing; I don’t know why. Had they not realised ‘tester-calls’ sounded like ‘testicles’ or perhaps been aware of it but too mature to be amused by it? I don’t know, but the fact that the room was so deadly serious made the funniness go up by a factor of ten. I left that job soon after, it was rubbish- the business plan was, it turned out, not much more than a load of old ‘tester-calls’.
Well anyway, please watch Comic Relief this Friday and give us much money as you can. There is a serious side to it, but you are encouraged to laugh out loud unashamedly. Perfect.
Oh god, I'm the same. I'm friggin' useless. Plus I'm really fidgety, so when something has started cracking me up and i'm trying not to laugh, i look like i'm having an epileptic fit!
My problem is when I know I have to be serious, suddenly something I used to find funny in the past will spring into my mind and I wont be able to contain myself... like maybe an episode of south park, or that "snazzberries tastes like snazzberries" bit in the film Super Troopers, or something I heard on radio 2, saturday nights between 9-11pm.
It's an illness.
ahhh i should call your show.
heeeeeeelp!
I laugh at how important people believe themselves to be. especially when they are comparing themselves to others. An ex boyfriend of mine once called me "righteous"...I think he meant "self-righteous" (that works on soooooo many levels.....well 2 anyway) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.
Will be crying all the way thru comic relief. I even cry at the bits ur meant to feel smug about; like when they show orphans gettin fed n that. Might just wait til Russell comes on, they repeat all the early stuff anyway.
In the words of Maximo park, "If everyone became this sensitive, I wouldn't have to be so sensitive..."
See ya xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Matt, you are so brilliant. I can't get over! I love how you went off on that tangent about the testicles (which is funny) for about two paragraphs just to say watch Russel on Comic Relief.
Beautiful. Silence is funny, of course, and serious situations are hilarious. It's like if you were to go to dinner with the queen...you nad your companion would have a private joke that was recollected immaturely just as the queen mum's death was announced..."The queen (mum), my lord, is dead" Some servant would bow solemly,and you would be suffering compulsions of laughter. You would splutter thorugh the glares by saying between gasps "I understand the severity pof the situation completely." And soon you'd find yourself beheaded. Surely maturity is our biggest foe.
xxxx
Zo
This blog did narf make me laugh Mr.M (ok they always make me laugh... I just thought it was a good line to open ;)
Anyway, I too have that little evil part of my brain that just wont let a funny moment go...I've always been like it, in fact my earliest memory of "inappropriate laughter" was when I was five and at a funeral..my brother who was seated next to me farted and well that was me gone..I was giggling like a loon..unfortunately this was all going on whilst the bereaved was delivering an emotional speech about their loved one... I cringe and feel bad everytime I think about it!
My most recent use of aforementioned hysterical laughter was at the theater during a really sad play...I just couldnt help myself..*cue tutting from the people sat next to me*
There have been other "moments" but if I listed them all this would be a very long comment! :)
I wish you and Russell all the best of luck for Friday's show!! It will be fabulous I'm sure :)
Keep laughing at the "tester calls" :-)
Azura
xx
This blog did narf make me laugh Mr.M (ok they always make me laugh... I just thought it was a good line to open ;)
Anyway, I too have that little evil part of my brain that just wont let a funny moment go...I've always been like it, in fact my earliest memory of "inappropriate laughter" was when I was five and at a funeral..my brother who was seated next to me farted and well that was me gone..I was giggling like a loon..unfortunately this was all going on whilst the bereaved was delivering an emotional speech about their loved one... I cringe and feel bad everytime I think about it!
My most recent use of aforementioned hysterical laughter was at the theater during a really sad play...I just couldnt help myself..*cue tutting from the people sat next to me*
There have been other "moments" but if I listed them all this would be a very long comment! :)
I wish you and Russell all the best of luck for Friday's show!! It will be fabulous I'm sure :)
Keep laughing at the "tester calls" :-)
Azura
xx
'Ello you beautiful man. I want you in my face.
Can I have your job 'n' that?
Well Matt 'tester calls' will always make me laugh too now! Also some thing that makes me laugh at work is when anyone asks me a question and answer 'No, i'm afraid not' which makes me thing i'm saying 'No, I'm a frayed Knot' and its childish I know and people think Im mad when I laugh at myself.
You must have seen my 'cry for help' prob I sent in...it went something along the lines of this...
My problem is that I can stop laughing.
usually this would not be deemed a problem, but in some situations you shouldn't laugh. For example, the reavealing of Jesus on the cross in church (on Good friday), when someone faints and creates a domino effect with the benches, when someone has lost their voice so has to use a Steven Hawkins device, or when you are on stage performing a death scene...to name a few!
These could all be elobrated on, but laughing is what makes me happy and keeps me sane, so i'll be watching comic relief...hope it goes well for you and Russ!
Victoria xx
My friend studied a module at university called
"new directions in post-modernism"
...newdirections ....nude....erections!
it was a bit of a disaster.
i'm SO glad you share the innapropriate laughing curse! one of my worst episodes was when studying A Levels, and my teacher was reading a poem to us. We all had the poem in front of us, and one line went like this:
"children playing, and ripping off insect's legs".
Unfortunately my teacher said:
"children playing, and ripping of INFANTS' legs!"
The worst thing was that only me and my extremely giggly friend registered the disastrous change in the poem. everyone else was being SO serious - engrossed in the work. Even worse, i happened to be sitting NEXT to my teacher. i was in that state of laughter which is actually more like a fit - why is it so hard to laugh without noise!?!
I dread those moments....but also secretly LOVE them!
You are not alone.....I got thrown out of a Tutorial in college cos I giggled everytime the lecturer mentioned the valuable work of a Geographer called Dikshit . Even writing this now Im smirking.
I've just got back from the theatre (how cultured am I) and my lips are still bleeding from my restrained mirth. At the moment where Macduff said "here's the head of Macbeth" and very solemnly laid it out for the audience to see- a small child, on seeing the waxwork head covered in fake blood shouted "oh!" really loudly.. and then after two lines or so the play ended in complete confusion.
Nice.
i often find myself laughing uncontrollably at really inapproriate things. none that i would mention here, but really disgustingly inappropriate stuff. awful.
Those serious Comic Relief segments always reminds me of the "Starvin' Marvin" episode of South Park, where the presenter keeps going back to her trailer to eat loads of chocolate.
I too laugh at inappropriate moments. Someone was ranting at me in work the other day (because she's a bit mad) and I started laughing when she complained that I giggle whenever she talks, thereby illustrating her complaint about me.
Hey I know exactly what you mean about laughing at the wrong time. Funerals, exams, emotional speeches and the like, or when some little kiddie falls over and the parent gives you the ice stare because you're creased with laughter.
first i'd like to say that i love your blogs, they r very nice to read and easy to relate to.
this one is no different, the amount of times i found myself in tragic situations are countless. but you must laugh, what else can you do? be miserable?
the best laughs are the one that are all in your head, personaly i think tester calls is hilarious!
Heyhey
Dont worry it happens to us all, i have done that many a times and ended up sittin outside the headmasters office. Funny though.
Anywhoo..i will be at comic relief and probably laughing at the bits im not supposed to but what can ya do haha. Should be a good giggle.
Stay Lucky xxx
Hi Matt
First off i'd like to say great blogs, they always make me giggle :)
Haha them head teachers try to be intimidating, i find them funny, gettin all stressed because i'm not listenin to them yammer on about some scrap of information i'll never need to use.
Oh a real bad time to laugh was when i used to get told off by me mum, she would aways use the "i'll wipe that smirk off your face" line... always ended up smirking LOL
Also yea when a kid falls over, i feel dead mean laughing, but i can't help it, then i get a evil evil stare off the parents.
I think "Tester-calls" is rather amusin lol
Shall watch comic relief tomorrow :D
The government should have to go through all the effort of holding a charity event to raise the 20 billion quid they need for Trident. Brown can get sponsored to sit in a bath of beans, Prescot could do a charity head shave and Blair could have custard pies thrown at him.
Unfortunately Comic Relief will not raise anywhere near £20 billion but could do much more good with that amount of money than how Blair intends to spend it.
If I was presenting Comic Relief, I obviously wouldn't be funny given the earnest nature of this comment, but I would also find it difficult fighting off the urge not to mention the topsy-turvy priorities and inequalities of how the government spends our taxes.
That said, good luck with it all, I'm sure your jokes will go down well.
L xx
hehe
tester calls
xxx
Hi Darlins,
Are you guys ready for red nose? Just be yerselves you,ll be a treat. Kara is gettin so exited about goin.
Funny, she sounds lots like you Mat always corpsing she,s a terrible giggler. The bugger of it is though over the 11 years I,ve known her, its always bin the same. Quite refreshing in a way. Caoz whenever I get into a serious monologue and take myself extreemly seriously, she jus starts gigglin,til tears are streaming. She always apologises sayin "sorry Bri,its jus that I thought of something else. You know how I get, its a nervous laugh" What a great mate, she really keeps me on trak as I can start puffing me chest out and think I know it all.
Such a tonic. If she doesnt laugh, you will catch her eyes glazing over and the distant singing of circus music,Homer style.
Litlun read the blog about the "tester calls" and was laughing all the way home from our mate,the english tutors house yesterday.It was so funny. AS all things are intrinsicly linked in the universe, it was wierd Kara, textin me to say she was giglin at work about a manager who was wearin a syrup and burpin, she cud av read yer bloggy though. Well not long to wait til tomozza I ope it will be funny. Litlun brought is red nose and plans to watch the show. watch out for kara in the audience dont ferget its er birthday and it wud go against the law of whats true an right if you dont seek er out and give er a smacker. Look forward to saturdays show.
I luvs you both more than that gay fellow Mr MAFEW and Russell. BIG cyber KISSY xxxxxxx
Matt - I think that you are a fantastic writer! Strangely, I think Your ordinaryness(?) sets you apart from most other comics! Your blogs and your slightly childish observational quick witted humour are a joy for us listeners! I Am dissapointed that the radio 2 slot is only 2 hours per week though... Ever thought about going primetime?....I can dig out my ken bruce voodoo doll again if you like? Big love to you and Russ....and for Locky when he comes sheepishly runnin back with his tail between his legs! (only joking - we wish him every success in his solo endeavours)
Hi Matt, this one made me laugh out loud- 'see how they respond to your tester-calls'!
totally off-the-topic, but I thought you might enjoy a joke that happened to me last night- I met this guy on the street near the manchester academy, he's goin 'tickets for Air? anyone need tickets for Air?'
an I sez, 'nah mate- I get mine for free!'
I guess you 'ad to be there...
Hi! Matt,
I laughed aloud when I read this entry. It also struck me that my mom has finally found her companion.T________T
Blessing
Not just you, Matt
A few years ago, I was on the board of a FTSE 250 PLC.
The branches of the company we looked after had a manager, and a deputy-manager. The deputy manager was called the number 2.
Of course I burst into laughter every time I heard the number two referred to by the relevant regional director, which was several times in each meeting. For example:
"Every Manager needs a good number two"
"The Eastbourne manager hasn't had a decent number two for the last twelve months"
"People just don't realise how important a having a good number two is"
There were 20 people around the table, and I was the only one laughing. I'm pretty sure the rest of them were all just too mature to snigger, which made things worse.
Haha yeah, I'm also terrible for laughing when I shouldnt. When I did an administratiton course in college one day they announced "Today I'm going to be teaching you fingering" which I burst out laughing to, only to look around and see everyone stoney faced and looking at me. oh dear. But how could they not see the funny side!
Yeah.. I'd just eaten a load of caccy food, Mars drink, sweets etc n left everything all over the floor. N my mum goes 'will ya shift ya shit please'
i don't know why I found it so funny! I even started laughing at it when it popped back into the conscious a cupple of hours later! I had to 'laugh it all out' when my mum took a trip to the shop so not to cause further embarrasment!
It wasn't even funny..
Ha-ha! Im laughing at it now..
I think it's quite a common problem to laugh at inappropriate moments. When I was about 14, me and two of my friends were walking out of one of our lessons and me and my mate Lou noitced our other friend looking really upset. I asked her what was wrong and she didn't want to say. I said to her "come on, I'm your mate. You know you can tell me anything. How can I make you feel better if I don't know what's wrong.?" She then told me that she was upset bevause she'd been looking after her baby cousin the previous night and when her brother came down the stairs holding the baby, he dropped him. Rather unfortunately, I looked at Lou and we cracked up laughing.
I felt terrible afterwards because she was so concerned, but the baby was fine. I'm not a baby-dropping child hater . It was just a knee-jerk reaction.
By the way, I've now got the giggles about Sharon's post and Leigh talking about "Trevor's solo endeavours"
I can relate...
When the waitress serving me breakfast in a café informed me about the Princess of Wales's fatal car accident by saying, "Diana's dead," I laughed. And when she said "And Dodi too", I laughed even more. I can guarantee that everyone in the café thought I was the most callous and uncaring creature who had ever lived. What a disgrace.
I saw and have seen for years ghostly like spirits sitting down next to me and today I saw something again like the past but now I felt I cant put that into words. I have been on a great hard , experience. I am learning, and my mind hurts then its OK. I cut down on the drinking in the last 3 days I had know thing. i Felt pain but then I felt better than I ever did. But the seeing things like spirits came back, now I don't feel I need to worry about them any more. its just a gift, but don't wrap me one of these for christmas if I had to go through it again, its been hard and your not mad bye the way if your going through it, amen