Strange Bed Fellow
OK, thanks for the support regarding my wearing a hat in bed. As the weather gets colder it grows even more comforting. Russell thinks it’s a bit mad but its hardly as though I’m laying there in a huge floppy cowboy hat or a top-hat with a cuckoo on a spring coming out of it, its just a regular beanie. However this week there has been a development. For reasons best left unexplained, I had a ladies hot-water bottle in my bedroom. It is pink, in a fluffy case and bears the legend ‘Huggable’ on it. Oh how I laughed at it, dismissed it as ridiculous and wedged it into my bookcase where its owner could reclaim it next time she came over. Then a few nights later, as I got into bed (fully hatted-up) I glanced at it and pondered for a moment.
Yes, I’m ashamed to say I went down stairs and put the kettle on. I felt a bit guilty as though the poor, pink, fluffy thing was all innocent and I’d got it drunk on boiling water and dragged it off to bed, but it was purely platonic of course. It was nice too, especially down the foot end.
Now, this is where it gets a bit weirder… I was so warm and cosy I didn’t want to get out of bed to turn the TV off. The remote control was obviously nowhere within easy reach but it was at this point I remembered I had a BB gun under my bed and I fished around under there until I found its cold steel barrel. Ha ha! I then sat up in bed, with a hat on and a pink hot-water bottle on my lap trying to shoot the power switch on my TV to turn it off. After about a minute I mused to myself ‘if someone could see me, they’d think I was eccentric’. Then it dawned on me ‘maybe I am eccentric? Maybe I’m mad? What am I doing? I’m 30 this year. I should be married with children by now, but look at me’. This epiphany jolted me right out of bed; I turned off the TV with my perfectly-functioning human hand, stuck my gun on top of the wardrobe, pulled off my hat and got back into bed, ashamedly pushing the hot-water bottle away like a spurned lover.
'OK, I’m not mad', I reassured myself and started to drift off. About two minutes later I got out of bed and put my hat back on. I don’t know why I’ve told you all this; perhaps this is my very own cry for help. Aaaaaargh, HELP!!!!
I love your blogs Matt, you're starting to sound like a male version of Bridget Jones - worrying about dying from swallowing dirt and questioning your own sanity whilst snuggled up with a hot water bottle.
I'm fascinated to hear how that pink fluffy hot water blottle ended up in your bed though!
Keep up the fabulous work!
haha, reminds me of that mister bean scene where he calmly shoots out the light with a gun instead of getting up to switch it off, hey, he had a wee willy winky hat on as well!!
aww poor matt! but never fear i have the answer to your cry!
1. get rid of the bb gun (they hurt when people shoot them at you in a graveyard...)
2. buy several remotes for your tv so there will always be one nearby
3. take the hot water bottle out of the pink fluffly case and wrap it in something much more masculine or leave it unrapped and tell yourself only a big strong man could take this heat
4. stop worrying about a family- russ and trev are your family now (and there's nothing you can do about it!). you will all grow old together and end up in a nursing home trev pathetically trying to distract the nurses whilst you and russ attempt another half thought out escape plan which ends in you finally getting out and realising you quite liked it in there so you go back. But you will never be lonely because we can all come to visit you and you won't be able stop us because if you tell the nurses to keep us out we can just say we are distant family but your memory is going so you can't remember! muahahahaha!
hope that helped! ;)
love jojo
..what can I say...what a lovely story :-p
You're hot Matt ;-)
*Eyeliner Junky*
x
Matt,
How come a woman had to have a hot water bottle round there? Were you not carrying out your boyfriendly duties? Are you a `just hold me` sort of a guy, both bundling up and snug so that even Dracula would have a determined effort to plunder the poor frustrated maiden?
Ione
Aww, bless you! I love a bit of eccentricity! Perhaps that in itself is rather an oddity but oh well! And don't worry about not being married with children yet there's still plenty of time for all that, you can't rush these things...says she who has sworn to herself that she has to be married by the time she's 30 (I'm 22 now) hmm...
xxx
When you say 'pink fluffy how water bottle' do you actually mean Russell!!!!!? In his 'fitness' gear!!!! I bet when he does 'fitness' he wears a pink fluffy t-shirt that bears 'huggable' on it!!Quite good down the foot end eh???? Nice!
Matt, I suggest an electirc blanket. My dad bought me one. I tried it out for a laugh- after all, I have to have a hot watter bottle every night, even in the summer- bad circulation, you know (and I have worn a hat in the past- in bed and while out and about- though mine was a posh beret).
I think you're supposed to put them off once you're in your bed- electric blankets that is, (mine has a little remote attached that sticks out of your bed with various melting points written on it) but it is SO much better if it's on all night!
I did get a call from my mum saying that my eletricity bill is suddenly £100 more expensive than last year though... hmm. Maybe just buy one of those dinosaur shaped hot water bottle covers, very macho.
Haha - The madness of Matt Morgan: Great blog Matt!
I cannot understand the wearing of a hat in bed unless you are on a Polar expedition but then I hate to feel too hot in bed or I can't sleep.
I was given a dubious item of nightwear a couple of Christmases ago that has just languished in a drawer unused: It is a fleecy nightshirt, knee length, with a large pointless pocket like a kangaroo pouch on the front and a hood! (Oh and a large picture of Snoopy on the front - oh gawd!)
On the strength of your admissions on the Radio show last Saturday I decided to give it one last chance to impress me with its usefulness before I donated it to some poor unsuspecting charity shop.
So, on Monday night I settled into bed, determinedly ignoring Snoopy. The nightshirt element holds no shame for me as its not unusual attire for a female of the species, unlike poor Trevor whose choice of nightwear seems deliciously quirky and antiquated. I tried to find a point in the pocket to no avail, as putting my hands in it as though it were an old fashioned 'Muff' was much too restrictive and awkward and what else could I keep in my pocket at night?
Fleece fabric is too hot for nightwear anyway, I think, but in order to fully use the garment and put your bed headwear penchant to the test I put up the hood....... I'm thinking it did not make me look tough and full of ASBO like menace. (Unlike you Matt with your BB gun and fluffy hottie!)
I lasted about 5 fidgety minutes like this as I overcooked in no time and had to lie on my back because any attempt to roll over turned my face into the inside of the hood to suffocating effect! I hope that the PDSA shop on the High Street can soon sell it to the chilly, delinquent kangaroo yob with a defective pouch and a love of Snoopy that it was clearly intended for.
So having put the notion to a fair test I still have to mock you: Do you ever team woolly bedsocks with your hat Matt or is that just silly?
xx
Hey Matt,
I dont think ur mad but that might be because I erm, sort of do the same so if ur mad then so am I and im not going to admit to that!
Its actually quite spooky as I also have a beanie hat which I wear for bed & around the house when its cold and I have a fluffy zebra print hot water bottle!!!
Even more spooky is that about a week ago after a conversation about age and turning 30, I was lying in bed and I started to have a mini panic attack about becoming 30 (in just over 2yrs) and still being single. - The next day I told a few of my work colleagues & they just thought I was being a bit crazy and worrying about nothing!
Ok, reading this back maybe I am slightly mad?
Lindsay x
Amy, you're crazy.
DON'T leave your leccy blanky on overnight, especially if you have a hot water bottle as well.
...You'll end up POACHED. ^_^
I love hats, but I do find that if I go to bed wearing a woolly one, I've lost it by the morning.
HAT TEAM :D
I love your blogs Matt!!!! Russell who???
I also like the suggestion of you being the male 'Bridget Jones' and remember that if you are...she does get her happily ever after so dont panic! 30's nothing...age is mind over matter and i think past the age of 18 its not relevent!
If you like the warm snuggly feeling of bed, get an electric blanket! You may laugh...so did I, but when i stopped at someone's house and they had one it was like a tiny peace of heaven! Go get one! £20 quid well spent!
Cant wait for your next ramblings!
Victoria xx
PS- I did happen to see you through the window and I didnt think you were eccentric...just thought the pink hot water bottle complimented your warm rosey cheeks!
amy, deffinately don't leave the electic blanket on at night! my aunt had one when she was little and used to leave it on at night and my gran would tuck her in really tight. one night she turned around in her sleep, ended up trapped under the blanket and nearly suffocated and fried! not a good idea!
if, however, you are trying to kill one without it looking suspicious you may want to give this a try! lol!
love jojo
Mi Hatt
No be orried bout all difrent parts that gift of manhood given yo. all u nice man big man in my town yo neva need eau rubber again.
We help you all time, no rubber or water to hold close and leak sometime ok. eau hot danger and rubber leaky too. No leaky no rubber it simple, sleepy night no orried.
Axx
oi matt, ive just been thinking,
either this was a very indirect way of telling the world that you pulled, or you mum was staying, while she was ill, and you were trying to make it sound better
which one is it!
There's not much I can really add to everyone's comments matty-boy; however you should never worry about your sanity - what is normal in this crazy world nowadays anyway? Although, usually you shouldn't put boiling water in hot water bottles; very hot, but not boiling. Not entirely sure why? Maybe a conspiracy from the water boards trying to get you to use more water; maybe there's a danger of the hot water bottle exploding? Who knows. You seem to be surviving.
Society's affect on us; the social conditioning - we must be "settled down" with kids by a certain age, we must be this that and the other. Our children must learn what it is to be British in schools (What is "being British" other than a handful of outdated stereotypes when the amount of cultural diversity obviously negates the teachings of such things). The media pounces on reality shows who set out to perform a social experiment ( not as everyone thinks to"make people famous" ) and see how everyone reacts when put into conditions worse than prisons (in so much as there is no routine, the inhabitants have to perform demeaning acts for food and there is little chance for privacy from the other inmates - and no news of the outside world, word from loved ones etc.) and then it's a big scandal when everyone isn't all sweetness and light and politically correct to each other. Crazy!
Just be yourself Matt; be true to yourself and keep doing the things that bring you pleasure. People feel they should grow old too quickly and then they loose the sparkle they have. Don't change, when the time is right things will happen.
M.
Matt, you have had your 'Naked Lunch' moment -- Jack Kerouac I believe coined the phrase, later used by William Burroughs as the title of that famed book.
It means the moment when you suddenly realise what is on the end of your fork. Don't snigger.
Anyway, if you don't want to die alone, you want to have a shave and a haircut young man. I reckon you'd scrub up right nice.
Matthew
Could I just take a minute to point something out? You mentioned this week that if your name was Antony you wouldn't shorten your name to Ant 'cos it would make people think of ants. What do you suppose shortening Matthew to Matt makes people think of?
Do you see?
Kisses, Carol
On behalf of all woman kind - please don't take the advice of the person who suggested you get rid of the hair and beard!!!!!!!!!!!!! You look hot!
You're turning into a woman! You're having your pre turning 30 crisis. This is common amongst men your age. I use the term 'men' loosely, as he who can snuggle upto a FLUFFY pink hot water bottle is more of a man-child.
Hmmm, at 30 you still have at least 5 years until you actually have to even consider settling down, as for women the ceiling is 30. I think a slightly older guy will make a better paternal figure, because late 20's, theres still alot of women to be had. I think you're a man slut! Thats okay, - it's common amongst those with long hair and beards, i.e the rockstar type.
You've been spending too much time home alone,. . go out immediately and get some;)
haha this blog is funnyy.
the water bottle was pink?
oh well it was warm and cosy, so what
if u couldnt be bothered to switch off the t.v.
adopt if you want kids.
bye >.
xAmidaBuddhax
I'm sleeping in my beaning hat at the moment. Beanie, vest, pj top, trousers and two pairs of socks. Theres nowt sexier than layers! I never wake up with all those clothes on though, i get hot during the night and strip and when the morning comes I'm an icecube. you just can't win!!!
Ello Russel an LOvely team players! Verry appy to av you broadcasting LOVE and PEACE into our dear little omes. You know on a Saturday night I sit in me kitchen turn on me radio for the show and spend the evening howling with laughter! What a bleedn tonic. Ah you guys brighten up the most mundane of evenings wiv yer personable extrapilations! Now some lickle words of wisdom, to help our boy on is way. I want to gentally say:discretion is the better part of enthusiasm. Thats it! Its just a little hint to keep the al laughing gear goin. Dont want to hear the graphic details of avin a Tommy, prefer the Shakespearian inferrence to it. Much funnier and not crude but sweet. Plus me little ten year old has the right to walk in on me savuoring the naughty delights of our boy ,without me avin some explainin to do. Gette the picture.........I know u do cos youre goin to be the love of our lives, as well as a household name. I know the likes of the old boy Ross as been encouraging our boy. Why e may think e is His protergey. Bus we all saw is tallent a mile orf. We cant av the ald boy interferin with the young, free spirit if you get me drift. The boy is a one off and can communicate to the world, selestial sweetmess. I dont want im corrupted. I know if e gets sight of this, e will say,Why, I can think for meself. But when someone is so precious and loved your gunna get a fiew people trying to get in in the act. Now, Russel stay true to yourself. But keep it intelligent and dont be afraid so say it as you saw it. But dont start bien crude an bace cos of political pressure.Ur better than that. Me an me mate Kara love Russel to bits an I am enthusiastically watchin his career take off. Lots of love Bridget. I find my identity in picking out the fun in life,latching on to trails of goodness.
Well Matt, perhaps you should adopt the alias "Heat Proof Matt"? it fits in nicely with the subject matter of this week's bloggerty bloggerings, and it also has a sort of 1970s super hero/stay-it-school promo allegroy edge to it...
Hehe just remembering all those science videos from the 70s now...equally as scary as the apocolyptic information films...
If there's one thing I've learned of late about lights, electric blankets, hairdryers, you name it - BEFORE YOU GO TO BED, SWITCH THINGS OFF!
And how dare anyone suggest shaving...do we want you looking like a functioning member of society? I think not. Stay drug saturated bohemian hippy cowboy. You've found your look.
Keep fueling the madness
Zo
xxxx
dude, your story reminds me of the week my housemate and i didn't leave the house for a week - apart from to the 10ft to the corner shop to get cigarettes and milk. we set everything up around the vicinity of the sofa (including the kettle so we could make endless cups of tea and have a constant supply of hot water for our hot water bottles...sans girlie covers...) we employed a golf club and a stick for reaching things we couldn't reach and also taught ourselves to use our feet as hands...come on, you have to admit, in retrospect, your employment of a bb gun to turn the tv off pales in comparison..!
I said the "resolutions" was my favourite blog of yours a few weeks back but we have a new contender for the top spot. I particularly like the fact you tried to shoot the nob on your TV to switch it off with a BB gun. I'm guessing that a) you would have to have the marksmanship of Robin Hood, and b) the calibre of this gun, if it were to sufficiently depress the nob, be of such power be required to come with a license.
I like the image of you in bed with a cowboy hat, shooting at your television. Load of pirates burst into your room, you immediately leap into action, pull a massive cutlass out of your boxer shorts, take a few preliminaries with your bb-gun as they storm through the windows and doors, before engaging hand to hand.
*pT-TACK* - *YARRRRGH*
PS: Don't worry man you're 29 - and with the circulation you've got going, surely you've met loads of girls, why haven't you gone with it? Watch Love, Actually, lol.
PPS: You're the best one on the show - absolutely hilarious.
dont u think the picture of russell on his official website... makes him look exactly like laurence llewelyn bowen...
Nothing wrong with being mad Matt.
Eccentricity is great, you stand out from the crowd but being eccentric, you don't realise that you stand out from the crowd! I find it an extremely attractive quality.
Your blogs are brilliant, so funny and so true.
You should write a book of your life experiences, it would be a fantastic read.
Looking forward to the show tonight.
xx
Can't think of out clever to say except class blog!
I'd kill for a hot water bottle!
Albeit a pink fluffy one :Z
Funny blog. But i can't help but wonder if the pink fluffy 'huggable' water bottle and bb gun is a projection of your inner battle to express your feminine needs and desires over your misguided alpha male persona.
Perhaps considering your poor aim and supposidly mis-fire attempts to switch off the TV a libido rethink is required. Lose the beanie, a Stetson may provide the leverage your lacking...
Good luck with all that!
Steve
moist
ha thats so funny stop moaning at russell to do a blog and just do them yourself i am however worried about the radio show this is beacause i have missed noal where is he i hope he is on tonights show dont worry about the hot water bottle and hat but it does sound realy funny and the idea of you beening seen doing that hahaha dont worry about not beeing married with kids probs really boring
Hey Matt,
I love this blog!
I don't think a hat in bed is a bad thing, you lose the most body heat from your head so it's quite sensible!
And don't worry about a family, look at the number of girls posting on this blog who fancy you! You'll be able to find someone to settle down with no problem. :)
Tink
xxx
Hey Matt,
I love this blog!
I don't think a hat in bed is a bad thing, you lose the most body heat from your head so it's quite sensible!
And don't worry about a family, look at the number of girls posting on this blog who fancy you! You'll be able to find someone to settle down with no problem. :)
Tink
xxx
A great philosopher (ok, Russ) once said something to the tune of "Next year you'll be 30, then it's death"
Love Rabs aged 33 1/2
In my battered suitcase I have:
an alluminium baseball bat,
granulated slug poisen,
3 human teeth,
an OS map 1:25000 of the moores.
Am I eccentric?
Just jocking, I don't own a suitcase.
Mark
You are mad!
You shouldn't use a gun to turn the telly off when all cosy in bed.
Use the force Matt, use the force....
Hahaha, I love your blogs!
I'll marry you you crazy 29 year old...I'm only 18 so gravity shouldn't be taking its toll for at least another 10 years, and I'll probably want a divorce by then anyway...
xxx
Matt,
Snap! I also have a pink fluffy hot water bottle that says "Huggable" on it.
Also, when it's cold I sometimes wear a hoodie to bed, with the hood up, which is nearly the same as a beanie hat.
Siobhan - 20 years old, Valencia.
All must go to the Wikipedia article on David Koresh. I was browsing some of the crazy references made on last saturday's show, and found this article. It contains a picutre of Koresh on it, and by god I thought I was staring right into Trevor's face. Trevor has an evil alterego!
xxxx
Zo
forget about all the kuffulness of this Matthew, what has happened to the podcast, my i tunes says there is not a new one available at the moment. THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN ONE AVAILABLE YESTERDAY!!!! What for the
heavens sake is going on....?