Ian Beale sex tape!

Just when the emotional scarring caused by Pat and Patrick's bedroom antics was healing (that said, it's been nearly three years and we still can't listen to "You Can Leave Your Hat On" without dropping into the foetal position)...

Enter Walford's new sexual phenomenon: CAPTAIN BEALE

Like Paris Hiltonn before him, Ian Beale is the victim of a sextape blackmailing plot - and here we bring you the x-rated audio in which he shivers Janine's timbers behind Jane's very back... with the additional shocking revelation of Jane's pet name for him in the bedroom. Shudder.

Warning: The BBC is not responsible for any psychological damage caused by this audio.