Madagascar Top 40 Count Down
What have Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, Kelly Clarkson and Rihanna got in common with Andry Rajoelina, the new leader of Madagascar?
On the face of it, or even by their faces, nothing. But this is where sophisticated intelligence from my Revolutionary Africa Command Stool, RACS comes in.
As you know by now, as Chair of RACS I work by night.
It's the best time to gather intelligence on the strange or suspicious movement of people, ideas and money on the continent - RACS' noble mission.
Night is when night runners run. I've spotted many of them from my observation post above the African skies.
Some run in their pyjamas and nighties from one house to another in their neighbourhood - I can't quite follow why; or why they sneak back to their houses all sweaty and exhausted.
Others run with their hearts in their hands pursued by machete-wielding, gun totting men who fancy the idea of extracting taxes from innocent souls heading home from a hard days' work.
And then there are those I've watched running from themselves.
Perhaps the skin bleach is melting them back to their colour of birth - which is dark and unacceptable or the wig is constantly falling off displaying a hairline that is hard to match with age 20.
This last group runs the fastest. I guess there's nothing as terrifying as being pursued by yourself.
On this particular night, the RACS audio monitoring gear is creating mayhem, temporarily distracting me from Africa's night runners.
The racket from the speakers is unbearable.
From the intelligence sound files downloading by the minute from our agobas (agents of a better Africa) on the ground, I can tell the noise is coming from Madagascar.
My laser-guided night vision cameras zero in on the Presidential Palace at Ambohitsoritria in the capital, Antananarivo.
You won't believe what I'm seeing and hearing.
Andry Rajoelina, the new President is stooped over a sound deck, one hand holding one half of his headphones to the ear, while the other is busy loading, unloading and shuffling music CDs and old school vinyl records.
The dexterity with which his hands shift from the CDs and records to the sound mixer and the flashy ipod clearly tell of years of experience.
Of course this is the former DJ turned head of state.
He's surrounded by jovial army officers who've packed the room swaying happily to the beats that rock the palace.
Apparently the newest member of the African Union club of big men has decided to throw a celebratory gig to say a final goodbye to his days at the helm of the sound system in the city's clubs and scream a formal hello and welcome to his future as the man of the moment.
His choice of music this night is deliberate. He's playing his own top four of the charts.
My narrow knowledge of Top of the Charts shows tells me most DJs go for a top 40 countdown.
So why only top four?
My invisible omni-directional mics pick up one General explaining to another that it's something to with DJ Andry's superstitious beliefs regarding the figure 40.
Perhaps he has a point. There's so much history and bad vibe associated with 40.
40 is the age when the knees of many people begin to express loud, unwelcome sounds synonymous with worn, unoiled door hinges.
40 is when many look in the mirror and unable to recognise what they see, nevertheless punch the air and say 'life has begun!'
40 is the fiction and Biblical writers' favourite number: a fast of 40 days; forty years of this and forty years of that; Ali Baba and the 40 thieves...
40 is also the minimum age specified by the Madagascar constitution which a person must attain before being declared President of the country.
You can see why at the age of 34 DJ Andry has 40 reasons for staying away from top 40 and sticking with four.
But the Generals who relish parties have no choice. The man is President, if he says we dance to top four we shall dance to top four.
And so DJ Andry spins into action with his top 4, occasionally dipping the volume to drop in his version or interpretation of the lyrics.
This next section of the blog is interactive - you might need to find Andry's hits and play them as you read in order to hear and feel what the DJ and his crew were feeling and hearing that great night, and what I was getting down to atop the RACS deck.
4. Beyonce - Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)
Singer: We could be jamming all night long
DJ's rant: (say it loud, yeah, yeah..)
The vibe is coming over me so strong
I'm feeling we've just begun
Let me help you put it on...
(yeah, yeah, put a ring on democracy)
All my single ladies throw your hands up
(all surrender, or I'll shoot)
In the air!
Do it, do it, do it
(and that's an order)
Me: I've had a long relationship with Beyonce...in my mind. And this song's hot; but the antics she engages in on the video, which due to my age and rank in RACS I can't quite get into here, are a little disarming. Suffice to say they involve rhythmic movement of her hand and the gluteus maximus.
3. Kelly Clarkson - My life Would Suck Without You
DJ: This is dedicated to my predecessor as he tried to cut a deal with me, but too late...yo...yo...
Singer: Maybe I was stupid
(say that again...)
For telling you goodbye
(it really is goodbye, mate...)
Maybe I was wrong
For tryin' to pick a fight
(some you win, some you lose...)
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way I found out I'm nothing without you
(too late...too late)
Me: I can't believe the beef between these two is this deep.
2. T.I. (Feat. Justin Timberlake) - Dead and Gone
DJ: These are his final words as he finds a new home beyond State House....yeah...yeah.
Singer: I turn my head to the east
I don't see nobody by my side
(No AU, No EU...yeah)
I turn my head to the west
Still nobody in sight
(No SADC, No UN...yeah)
So I turn my head to the north,
(Indian Ocean?)
Swallow that pill
That they call pride
The old me is dead and gone,
The new me will be alright
(only if you remember to carry a life vest.....yeah, oh yeah...)
Me: I think, I'd better head south with my RACS vessel, it's getting hot in here.
1. Rihanna - Shut up And Drive
DJ: (This final number is for my beloved country which cried out for me in a loud voice....yo...yo....yo.....)
Singer: I've been looking for a driver who's qualified
(check me out...oh yeah)
So if you think that you're the one step into my ride
(the people have spoken)
I'm a fine-tuned supersonic speed machine
(the country is ready)
With a sunroof top and a gangster lean
(the heavens have approved)
If you prefer your African news read rather than sung, then swing to: bbcworldservice.com/africa
