Uganda family affairs

Oi!........Oooooi! Stop right there! Yes, you! And you, you...you...and you! Where do you think you're going?

Sorry, I'm not screaming at you the reader.

I'm addressing the five people captured on the monitors of my Revolutionary Africa Command Stool, RACS, which is gently orbiting above the African clouds on the look out for strange movement of ideas, people and money on the continent below.

Just a day after launching this African spy mission I have hardly slept.

The sophisticated electrical circuit of RACS nearly came apart with frantic electronic intelligence beamed to me by agents of a better Africa (agoba) at our Kampala earth station.

Five people have been spotted together carrying highly sensitive documents relating to the Republic of Uganda, but only one has the people's mandate and level seven security clearance to do so.

Although I can't forgive him for nearly blinding me with the fierce reflection from his bald patch which seriously clashed with RACS's infrared equipment.

Where's his cowboy hat today?

Back to his accomplices. What are they doing meddling with the source of the Nile, the pearl of Africa or U.G. as we call it here at RACS?

Ping ting tin pee - I tap into our state of the art computer that contains the database of all movers and shakers in Africa including some who are simply milk shakes - insignificant people of no use even to themselves.

But we still keep their profiles because you never know when a DJ can turn into commander-in-chief of a progressive African democracy.

In a matter of seconds I have the identities of the six subjects.

1. Yoweri Kaguta Museveni - Chairman, ruling NRM; President, Republic of Uganda
2. Janet Kataha Museveni - wife of the aforementioned YKM
3. Gen Salim Saleh - brother of YKM
4. Major Muhoozi Kainerugaba - son of YKM
5. Natasha Karugire - daughter of YKM
6. Sam Kutesa - his daughter married to son of YKM

There are others named on the agoba list but because they are still in school uniform we shall protect their identities until they reach political maturity.

'The five subjects are related,' reads one helpful comment from one of our new agobas in Kampala.

Of course they are...duh! Even my sleepy competitor the US Africa Command Centre would be able to work that one out!

Did I really hire the right calibre of agents for this mission?

Hang on. The man is not done yet, and it seems was not hired in vain.

'YKM is President; his wife is Minister of State for Karamoja (a marginalised region of north-east Uganda). Salim is the Senior Presidential Adviser on defence; Muhozi is Commander of the Presidential Guard Brigade (mechanised), while Sam is the Foreign Affairs Minister.'

So what have we got here? Five government salaries all going to one household.

Ok, we know that government pay in Africa is not great and one can never build a bamboo shack to live in let alone support a proper livelihood on the state payslip.

However, in these times of credit crunch, bone-crunching hunger, drought, village warming and all, one cannot scoff at a few spare shillings or francs trickling into the household.

RACS is not in any way opposed to five ambitious Ugandans reaching out in umbilical unison to serve their country. This type of sacrifice is commendable.

Only a disgruntled enemy of development and the well being of Uganda can blame Museveni for appointing Museveni Junior to lead the brigade that guards the President.

The presidency in Africa is becoming a highly dangerous profession. See what the army did in Guinea Bissau: violently reducing the life expectancy of African heads of state by despatching President Vieira to an early grave.

And see what just happened in Madagascar. The boys in uniform, like an irate landlord, woke up one day and drove their tanks to the Presidential Palace and booted President Ravalomanana off the premises.

They didn't even have the courtesy to offer a refund of his March rent.

A decent landlord would at least give a one month's eviction notice to an errant tenant; but not these boys.

Would Ravalomanana have done a runner if he had Ravalomanana junior running the Presidential Security team? Absolutely not.

He'd still be drinking Malagasy soup peacefully under a coconut tree at the Presidential Palace, watching lemurs with their ever curious eyes.

So back to Museveni. He's learnt the hard way.

He's seen how on 25th January 1971, like a neighbour going next door to borrow some sugar, President Milton Obote popped out of the country for a few minutes to attend the Commonwealth conference in Singapore only to find he'd been unceremoniously evicted from State House, Nakasero in Kampala by his army commander, a certain well fed Idi Amin Dadah.

Museveni knows history has a nasty habit of repeating itself; unless of course you re-write it before it becomes reality by getting capable flesh and blood to sacrifice their comfortable lives by serving the nation in neglected and demanding capacities.

So in this instance RACS is satisfied that the movement of money - five sets of fat government monthly pay packets - into the Museveni household is being done in the interest of Africa.

What has rattled RACS however, is the movement of a strange idea around Africa - the difficulty of finding suitable candidates to fill key public positions which forces the beloved leaders to resort to kith and kin.

In explaining his decision to appoint his beloved better half to the unloved Karamoja Ministerial position, Museveni told BBC Network Africa that ministers were reluctant to take up the Karamoja docket.

Listen to President Museveni on the BBC

Karamoja is a hardship region of Uganda. It's quite hostile. You have terrifying cattle raiders who would drive the fear of God into US Marines; you have people who use AK47s as walking sticks.

Bringing lasting peace, stability and development to the region is a tough, demanding job.

If no other Ugandan apart from Janet is willing to do this what is the CEO of the country expected to do? Shut down the vital ministry altogether?

However, it's not fair that the difficult task of running a nation be left in the hands of one family. They too need a break.

RACS would like to help by issuing an appeal to all lovers of a better Africa to rise up to the challenge of developing their continent.

We need to build capacity and share the burden with the First Families of Africa.

If there's anyone out there in Uganda who can train under Janet so that one day they can inherit the job of turning rusty Karamoja into a thriving Kampala, please contact RACS.

If there's an experienced mother in Sierra Leone who can work as an intern under the guidance of Teacher Alice Koroma, mother of President Ernest Bai Koroma with the aim of one day becoming special adviser to the People's Leader, do write in.

We need to help the poor woman who only a few years ago was pulling the ears of young Ernest to get him to concentrate on homework.

Now his ear lobes are watched keenly by State security and protected from a mother's itchy fingers, so her job is simply to counsel ...quietly.

And if there's an Egyptian willing to learn the skills of leading the nation to spare young Gamal "Jimmy" Mubarak the exhausting and depressing prospect of having to inherit the seat of power occupied by his dad for the 28 years, we'd like to hear from you.

But if you stumbled upon this fact laden, highly sensitive briefing from the Revolutionary Africa Command Stool by mistake and simply wanted an unadulterated view of the continent please go to bbcworldservice.com/africa