Comedians 'get a real job'

Russell:

I'm not too old to do an apprenticeship.

Narrator:

Comedian Russell Kane has been challenged by BBC Bitesize Careers to do a real job for the day. The challenge: Russell will be partnered with apprentice zookeeper, Charlotte. Charlotte will show was what it's like to work with a mammal that communicates through honks, sneezes and poo, and also what it's like to work in the rhino enclosure. The BBC Bitesize Careers website is on hand to give Russell support and guidance, while he feeds and cleans the rhinos and analyses their poo in the lab.

Russell:

(on the phone) Hold on the apprentice is coming.

Charlotte:

Hi Russell.

Russell:

Hey, how you doing?

Charlotte:

Hi I’m Charlotte, I’m the apprentice rhino keeper.

Russell:

Oh god I bet your hands stink.

Charlotte:

They’re clean I promise!

Russell:

Alright, cool. Anyway, I'm here. I'm up for it. What's happening?

Charlotte:

Fab, I've been told we've got really exciting job to do out in one of our Rhino paddocks, if you want to follow me?

Russell:

Rhino?

Charlotte:

Rhinos.

Russell:

Really?

Charlotte:

Really.

Russell:

I thought it said meerkats on my call sheet.

Narrator:

Apprenticeship task one: sweeping up. He's got the moves like jaguar.

Charlotte:

So all this mess here.

Russell:

Yeah.

Charlotte:

We sweep into nice neat pile, and then we’re gonna pick it up and put it in that wheelbarrow.

Russell:

Why we're doing this then? Don't they like it messy?

Charlotte:

No!

Russell:

It's not like in the wild someone would come and sweet stuff up is it?

Charlotte:

It’s just mainly to keep it looking nice for the visitors, but also to make sure they don't make too much of a mess.

Russell:

So is it just one rhino in this paddock then?

Charlotte:

Yeah, so he has this whole paddock and he's got his indoor area as well.

Russell:

I could tell it's a man's, look at it, can tell it’s a man's bedroom. Look at the state of it. [Mimicking rhino] Oh can’t help it, poo’d on the floor. It's like that's left over from last night. D’you know, I mean?

Narrator:

Apprenticeship task 2: picking up poo.

Russell:

Tell me if my technique’s any good.

Charlotte:

So, you want to avoid taking as much of that sand as possible. It’s going to make the wheelbarrow very, very heavy.

Russell:

Got it, got it.

Charlotte:

There you go.

Russell:

Is that a good serving…

Charlotte:

Lovely.

Russell:

(continued) [retching] not serving. What would you say? Oh God, I'm stuck.

Charlotte:

[laughs]

Russell:

Right [retches] oh I got real whiff then, it's strong isn’t it when you lift off that outer layer.

Charlotte:

Yeah, so they tend to pee on top of the poo as well.

Russell:

‘Course they do!

Narrator:

Someone is slacking and kicking up a right stink.

So it’s 8am right, and I'm shovelling poo. I don’t know if I’m cut out for this. It took me 30 minutes to do my hair this morning. I wonder if the BBC Bitesize Careers website can help me? Now what am I into? Coffee. I always wanted to be a barrister. See myself knocking out some double espressos. It would smell better than this wouldn’t it.

Charlotte:

Yeah definitely.

Russell:

I’d like a shot like that for my calendar. This would definitely be February.

[retches]

Oh god that was strong. Oh, oh wow.

Narrator:

Apprenticeship task 3: getting the poo sample.

Charlotte:

You never want to get material from an outside of the poo. You always want to go from the middle. So you break apart a bit and you'll get like little pinches and then you'll pop it in the bag. Okay?

Russell:

Why couldn't I have got the coffee one guys?

Charlotte:

Get your fingers right in there and you, so yeah in the poo, you want to grab a small little pinch.

Russell:

In that bit of poo?

Russell:

Wow. Don’t throw up. Feel like Simon Rimmer or Gordon Ramsay? [impersonating chefs] Look at that, absolutely delicious fresh, great flavour straight from the earth.

Charlotte:

So that is our sample done

Narrator:

Apprenticeship task four: feeding the rhino.

Rachel:

Once they open their mouth wide enough, all their teeth are in the back so it's important that we can get this close to her and to have a look inside their mouth because dental issues can come up quite often.

Russell:

And what happens if there is an issue, you have to sedate them or something?

Rachel:

Yeah, so normally, so you can get things like abscesses and broken teeth, blocks. So what would happen is they'd be sedated.

Russell:

Is it like humans you go to Turkey and get them like redone.

Rachel:

[laughs] Nice little fake set of teeth.

Russell:

They come back like that.

“I’ve just been to Istanbul, Kitani”

Rachel:

I think Kitani would love that.

Narrator:

Apprenticeship task 5: the lab.

Russell:

You're so lucky because you get paid for doing something you love which in this case is poo.

Charlotte:

I mean not quite…rhinos, not poo.

[laughs]

Russell:

You should be proud of what you do, you do poo, that’s what you do.

Hello. I have a bag of poop. Not you, sorry. Hi I'm Russell.

John:

Hi, I'm John. Nice to meet you.

Russell:

John, we've been told to bring this bag of rhino poo to you.

John:

Perfect, thank you very much.

Narrator:

This zoo has the only lab in the UK with an Endocrinology lab. A facility to analyse hormones in animal poo, which has led to a successful breeding program.

Russell:

Why are my nerves are on edge, I feel like Denzel Washington about to cut through the wrong wire.

Wheeeew! That really is kicking up quite, quite a lot now.

Narrator:

As the day draws to a close, will Russell be tempted to trade laughs on the stage for mucking out a giant toilet?

Russell:

I mean, it does get tedious sitting in comfortable dressing room and having people adore me and picking up cold poo in front of an armoured animal that looks like he wants to kill me is appealing. But on balance, I think I'm gonna stick with it. I could go into being a barista. I love coffee. I absolutely love coffee, is there coffee here?

Charlotte:

There is coffee. We can get you a coffee.

Russell:

That’s a genuine job by the way, you can train to be a barista on the BBC Bitesize Careers, as well as zoo keeping. As well as 100 other interesting things, stand up is not on there because this is a depressing and lonely existence.

Narrator:

To find out more about becoming an apprentice zoo keeper and all of that careers advice head to the BBC Bitesize Careers website.

Narrator:

Comedian Fatiha El Ghorri has been challenged by BBC Bitesize Careers to do a real job for the day.

Fatiha:

Hello Fatiha El Ghorri speaking.

Narrator:

The challenge - Fatiha will be working with a real life apprentice, Chloe, to learn what it takes to be a model shop apprentice.

She'll be building, refining and testing different parts of Formula 1 model cars

Fatiha:

F1? As in Formula 1? As in car racing? As in Fatiha doesn’t know how to drive?

Agent:

Well you better get learning Fatiha. Fatiha: Hello Lilly?

Narrator:

Will Fatiha be able to keep up the pace and make it in the Finish Line. Luckily. She'll have the BBC Bitesize Careers website at hand for support.

Fatiha:

Oh a quiz. I love a quiz. Mmm. It says the apprenticeship is right up my street. Looks like Lily didn't do too badly after all.

Narrator:

First Pitstop meeting our apprentice Chloe.

Chloe:

Fatiha?

Fatiha:

Oh, hi.

Chloe:

I’m Chloe, nice to meet you.

Fatiha:

Nice to meet you too.

Chloe:

Are you ready for your day as a model shop apprentice?

Fatiha:

Yes

Chloe:

Let’s go then.

Fatiha:

Ok. So, are we going to be like driving cars or what?

Chloe:

No, not today. Maybe on your second day.

Fatiha:

Ok.

Narrator:

Apprenticeship Task 1: Prepping the car parts.

Fatiha:

Do you know how to drive? Because I don’t. I don’t know how to drive. I get driven

Chloe:

So I learned to drive when I was ten years old, it’s been going on since then.

Fatiha:

Now, before we do this one last question, have you met Lewis Hamilton?

Chloe:

I actually haven’t. I've met a few drivers, but not Lewis Hamilton.

Fatiha:

I’ll get onto your managers about that, ok

Chloe:

So these are just test pieces, and basically what we’ve got to do, you see all these skeleton type supports? We need to break all of them off so it leaves the main structure of the part.

Fatiha:

Ooh look at that, this comes off quite quick actually. I love breaking stuff. If I wasn’t a comedian I’d be in demolition services that’s what I would be doing.

Narrator:

They might look like ice-cream cones, but eventually they’ll be a part on a formula one car.

Chloe:

So next we need to clean it and sand down a couple of the areas that havent been removed. So you’ve got an airline that we can use to blow off the parts, get off as much of the water as we can and then we’ve got a couple of rags that we can just dry it with.

Fatiha:

Alright, here we go. Waaah! Oh, it’s not too bad. You could use this instead of a toothbrush, I’m telling you. Then I’d never have to go to the dentist. I hate the dentist, not my dentist, I love my dentist. No I don’t. I think that's done.

Chloe:

Yeah?

Fatiha:

Yeah

Narrator:

Apprenticeship Task 2: Fitting the car parts. We’re off to the model shop. Not to do some pouting, but for some formula one DIY.

Chloe:

Get it under the edges of the tape

Fatiha:

This is quite tough you know, you made it look easy

Chloe:

So that one will be for these two little ones on the side there.

Fatiha:

Ok, so here we go. And this is coming out?

Chloe:

Yep, it all bolts into these little magnetic trays so we don’t lose any of them.

Fatiha:

Ooh magnetic? Oh my god. One of those is coming home with me, got to keep my hijab pins in it.

Narrator:

Having another break Fatiha? Ah, she’s getting some moral support from the BBC Bitesize careers website.

Chloe:

Fatiha, what you doing?

Fatiha:

I’m on a break actually, and I’m just looking at the BBC Bitesize Careers website, there's a lot of interesting things on here you know.

Chloe:

Well ok, but you have already had a few breaks Fatiha

Fatiha:

Alright Elon Musk, I’m coming, I’m coming. Gosh, she’s gone from the apprentice to the boss!

Narrator:

Apprentice task 3: Racing simulator. Time for a simulated spin, or in Fatiha’s case - a crash.

Chloe:

Come on

Fatiha:

I’m scared!

Chloe:

You’ll be fine, ready?

Fatiha:

No, but yeah, hold on let me put my headphones on. Hello, police, can you come and get me please? The people from the BBC Bitesize Careers website have kidnapped me and now they're making me drive. Oh, are you ready?

Fatiha:

I’m not even in the right bit. Oh my God, I’m dead, I’m dead. How do you reverse?

Chloe:

Erm, press the pedal down

Fatiha:

Well, this is fun you know. It was worth…where am I going? Whatever, I’ve got a black flag.

Chloe:

Did you enjoy that?

Fatiha:

Of course I did, I ran over about three people. It was great.

Chloe:

Maybe not the objective but I’m glad you enjoyed it!

Narrator:

Fatiha’s survived her day as an apprentice. Is she going to pull the brakes? Or drive full speed into an apprenticeship?

Fatiha:

Do you know what, I’ve really loved it right, I’ve gone back onto the BBC Bitesize Careers website for the apprenticeships and I'm looking at doing another apprenticeship actually!

Chloe:

Oh, what one this time?

Fatiha:

Rapper. What do you think? Do you think I could actually do it? Yeah, come on everybody, raise your hands in the air, shout like you don’t care! You’ve got to do it to…

Chloe:

It’s not my apprenticeship

Fatiha:

Ok Alan Sugar.

Narrator:

Alright Alicia Carkeys. I’m not sure a rap apprenticeship is a thing Fatiha but for hundreds of other jobs and information on apprenticeships, better go to Bitesize.

Sarah:

Oh, okay Sarah you've got this, it's fine. Everybody gets nervous. It’s your first day.

Narrator:

Comedian Sarah Keyworth has been challenged by BBC Bitesize Careers to do a real job for the day.

Sarah:

There's a quiz. That sounds good. Have you thought about an apprenticeship?

Sam:

Hello Sarah, you ready for your firefighter apprenticeship?

Sarah:

Firefighter? I thought this was an emoji drawing job?

Sam:

I’m afraid not.

Narrator:

The challenge: Sarah will be working with a real life firefighting apprentice, Sam, as they try their hand at hose running, cutting up a car with a giant pair of pliers, and sweating it out in the hot box.

Time to get suited and booted and Sarah looks smoking.

Apprenticeship task one: hose running. I ain't afraid of no hose! Though it does seem quite complicated.

Sam:

So Sarah, what we're going to do, we're going to do some hose running. So from here, we're going to launch forward.

Go, good, push push! Chest height, chest height.

Sarah:

Ahhhhh!

That was going so well!

Sam:

Let’s go from there. Go.

Sarah:

I was doing everything right and then I got my arm caught in it, embarrassed myself in front of all the firefighters.

Sam:

Fancy ten more lengths?

Sarah:

Ten? Not ten, no.

Sam:

Right ok.

Sarah:

I’ll do nine.

Narrator:

Though Sarah’s hose is damp, their spirits aren’t as they move on to task two of their firefighting apprenticeship: car cutting.

Sarah:

Okay Sam, so you've brought me to the middle of nowhere and there is a rather sad looking car behind us.

Sam:

Yeah, it's your lucky day because we've been given this car and we're going to cut the door. We're going to create some access and it's going to be what we would use at an actual RTC incident if we were on a road.

Sarah:

So, we’re going to rip the door off of that car?

Sam:

That will be the aim. So what we have here, we've got ourselves a spreader.

Sarah:

Yes.

Sam:

So I'm going to let you use this in a moment.

Sarah:

Thank you.

Sam:

But what we're going to do is, we're going to put the spreader over the door here and by squeezing into this door here it's going to open this shut line here. I’m going to hold the spreader in place, using the star-grip.

Sarah:

Yep.

Sam:

You’re just going to close it down until we get to that impact. On you.

Sarah:

Impact!

Sam:

Keep going, keep going.

Sam:

Get really in there.

Sarah:

I can't keep this?

Sam:

Unfortunately not.

Sarah:

Well, that's a shame.

I don't know if I actually have the skills to be a firefighter, Sam. I've just been looking on the BBC Bitesize Careers website and there's loads of other apprenticeships I could have chosen. Like, I could have been a hairdresser or could have worked in cyber-security, it even says here that I could have been a welder.

Sam:

Yeah, so could I. But you do have the skills to be a firefighter and I'm going to show you now. Come on, let’s do it.

Sarah:

Wait for me.

Narrator:

It's out the frying pan and into the fire as Sarah bursts into apprenticeship task 3: the hot box.

The hot box is a burning building used by trainee firefighters that replicates real fire conditions and helps them prepare to tackle a real blaze. Temperatures can reach over six-hundred degrees.

Sarah:

Oh my God.

Narrator:

Sarah's using all their hose running skills as they learn to fight the fire. What could go wrong? Urm…

Sam:

Sarah, you've experienced it. What did you think about it?

Sarah:

It was absolutely unbelievable. I've never seen anything like that. It’s just being surrounded by the flames, like having them over your head and you can't see anything and the heat is just incredible.

Sam:

Well, I can say it hit - I was using the thermal engine camera and it got into about six-hundred and fifty in there. You had the opportunity to use the hose reel branch as well. How did you find that?

Sarah:

It was hard! It was hard to pull it back, I couldn’t get it back. And then when I got it, I felt absolutely invincible.

Sam:

Hero.

Sarah:

Yeah, I'm really - I get it’s addictive. I want to go back in.

Sam:

Well, I mean, it's still going if you want to.

Sarah:

Yeah, it was amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Narrator:

After a rough start, Sarah certainly 'hose' to the occasion. But what did Sam think?

Sam:

Well, I've got two words for you Sarah. You're fired!

Sarah:

Oh, well, thanks Sam. I suppose I'll get myself back on the BBC Bitesize Careers website and take a look at the other apprenticeships they’ve got on offer. Perhaps, I'll be a welder.

Narrator:

To find out more about apprenticeships and hundreds of job profiles, better go to Bitesize.