As a parent, it can be hard to watch your child struggle with managing their emotions. Naturally, we want to comfort our children so we tend to use phrases like “don’t worry” or “you’ll be fine”. When we do this, we miss an important opportunity to connect with our kids and understand the extent of their emotions.
We’ve got some top tips from award-winning confidence coach Natalie Costa, also known as ‘The Child Whisperer’, to help you start managing uncomfortable feelings such as anxiety, worry and low self-esteem in your child.
4 tips to help manage your child's emotions
1. Validate their feelings
Whether your child is feeling bored, frustrated or anxious, allow them the space to feel their emotions to tell you why they might be feeling this way.
You can also help validate their feelings by reframing your words. It can be tempting to say things like ‘don’t be upset’, but by reframing your words to “I can see you’re having a tough time right now because of…” or “It’s ok to feel frustrated because…”, you’re letting them know that you get it. In turn, this helps them feel seen, heard and understood too.
2. Personify their feelings
Personifying your child’s emotions into characters can help create space between them and their feelings. This helps them acknowledge that those feelings are present but that they don’t need to be completely consumed by them, and most importantly, that they don’t have to believe every thought they think. For example, if your child is worried about a test, try saying something like, “It looks like Mr Worry-Head is here with us. What is he trying to tell you?” Keep the characters fun and playful by encouraging your child to come up with a silly voice and name - the funnier, the better!
3. Use self-soothing tools
When it all gets too much, you can help your child learn practical self-soothing tools to get them back to a space of calm. One exercise you can try is ‘Take Five’ deep belly breathing. This exercise is just as effective for adults to try, so give it a go with your child too.
- Hold out one hand and stretch it out like a star.
- With your pointer finger on your other hand, slowly trace up and around to the top of your thumb and take a deep breath in through your nose and into your belly.
- Then, as you trace down to the bottom of your next finger, slowly breath out .
- Keep going all the way, tracing around each finger and taking deep breaths in and slowly breathing out.
4. Use yourself as a role model
Often as parents, we are learning alongside our children. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Giving yourself the space to feel your emotions and practicing self-soothing tools will not only help you mentally, but it will also help model healthy behaviors and strengthen your connection with your child.
Activities to try at home
Go on a 'Feelings Scavenger Hunt'
Our feelings are like visitors and we have many visitors in a day. Go on a scavenger hunt and try to see how many visitors you notice in a day. Who comes to visit you in the morning when you wake up? Who do you notice when you have to do your learning? Who decides to hang around at lunchtime? Draw and create a character for each different feeling that you notice. At the end of the day you may be surprised at how many came to visit!
Create a 'Calm Down Box'
Spend time talking to your child to find out what helps them feel calm and create a ‘calm-down box’. In the box, include a collection of personal items or tools that will help them in those moments when feelings become really big. Some great items to include are, squishy putty or slime to release tension; a glitter jar to shake; paper and pencils to draw their feelings; their favorite book; a soft toy to use when they’re doing their deep breathing, or even a football or skipping rope to get some fresh air. Decorate the box with your child, including some positive words of affirmation.
Natalie's video
Natasha - ‘’I would like to ask the experts how they could help me with Rishi’s emotions?’’
Rishi – ‘’I’m bored I want to go in the garden.’’
Natasha - ‘’I really worry about his wellbeing.’’
Natalie – ‘’As parents we can all recognise these shifts in our children, just like Natasha’s family here. One of the first things id suggest is to allow your child the space to feel their emotions, whether it is that they’re feeling frustrated, bored or worried you want to try and validate their feelings - of course it may be tempting to say things like, ‘’don’t get upset’’ or ‘’don’t worry, you’ll be fine’’ because we naturally want to help and protect them, but when we do this we miss an important opportunity to really connect with our children. So instead, try to reframe your words and say things like ‘’I can see you’re having a tough time right now’’ because we have to do our homework or ‘’its ok to feel frustrated because you can’t go outside for longer’’ by doing this you’re letting them know that you get it, you understand, and this helps them to feel heard and understood too.’’
Natalie - ‘’Another useful tip when it comes to managing some of the more uncomfortable feelings - such as feeling frustration when things feel too much, is to help your child learn self-soothing tools and one of my favourite exercises is ‘take 5’. To use take 5 breathing hold out one hand and stretch it out like a star with your pointer finger on the other hand slowly trace up your thumb and take a deep breath in through your nose and into your belly and as you trace down your finger slowly breathe out so keep going all the way taking those deep breaths in and slowly breathing out. Take 5 breathing is brilliant it helps them to step out of the worry and overwhelm and brings them back to that space of calm.’’
Natalie - ‘’When it comes to managing worry, feelings of frustration or boredom - help your child personify their feeling by creating it into a character. Keep this fun and playful, encourage them to give it a silly name and a voice, the funnier the better. So, when your child is worried about something like a test, you can help them create some space between them and their feelings by saying something like ‘’Oh it seems like ‘Mr worry potato head’ is here with us what’s it trying to tell you?’’
Natasha – ‘’What would your character be if they were helping you do your homework?’’
Rishi – ‘’Super Mario!’’
Natalie – ‘’By personifying their feeling they begin to recognise that they can think their thoughts, but they are not their thoughts and most importantly, they don’t have to believe every thought they think.’’
Rishi – ‘’He can give me a mushroom so I can handwrite neater cause I’m bigger.’’
Natalie – ‘’Both you and your child can learn these tools together helping to strengthen your connection too.’’
Natasha – ‘’How do you feel after doing that?’’
Rishi and Sienna – ‘’Relaxed.’’
Natasha – ‘’Yeah do you feel nice and calm now?’’
Sienna – ‘’Yeah and we’re cuddling mummy.’’
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