Gemma and Gorka: Tag team parenting

Parenting isn’t easy and navigating a healthy yet effective parenting relationship, whilst meeting the needs of your child, can be a challenge.

For single parents, or those who aren’t cohabiting, it can be challenging establishing the right support networks to help you parent, or even having the right access to support.

Actor and presenter Gemma Atkinson and her partner, Strictly Come Dancing professional Gorka Marquez, have their three-year-old Mia, and another on the way. They spoke to Parents’ Toolkit about their experience as parents so far, how they share tasks as a couple and their advice on how to navigate the world of parenting.

'Tag team parenting'

Gemma and Gorka firmly believe in ‘tag team’ parenting; working together as parents and taking turns with house-hold chores and parenting responsibilities.

Whether that’s making the bed in the morning or making breakfast, Gemma and Gorka tell us they don’t necessarily designate tasks to each other in the house, which works for them.

They stress the importance of flexibility and open communication when parenting, especially for Gemma, as Gorka “isn’t home that often” due to the demands of his dancing career. Gemma told us when Gorka isn’t away touring, it’s important he does as much as he can in the house and as a parent to Mia.

For them, not only does this reduce chances of arguments and dispute, but makes it a nicer environment for their daughter, Mia, to be in. "The last thing we want Mia to be around [is us arguing]."

However, this ‘tag team’ technique might not work for all parents. Working together to meet parental responsibilities equally, requires strong communication between two parents.

Communication – Finding a way that works for you

We spoke to Ammanda Major, Sex and Relationship Therapist and the Head of Service and Clinical Practice at Relate, about ‘tag team’ parenting and communication.

She said that, fundamentally, “you must use communication and negotiation, in order to decipher who is going to do what, whilst allowing that bit of leeway for when one parent isn’t at their best”. Especially as many couples have a split agenda on what sharing responsibilities actually means, due to their upbringing.

According to Ammanda, the key to good communication between parents, is being interested in what your partner thinks.

“Try and be as interested in your partner as you hope they will be in you.”

Of course, this may be challenging; “Everyone’s parenting relationship is different. Some parents may not live together or be together, therefore find a way of communicating that works for you, even if it is over the phone, as long as you are recognising that it is something you simply must do as parents, for your child.”

Regarding ‘tag team’ parenting, Ammanda adds that negotiation is key, to establish a healthy amount of give and take - and a sense of fair play.

But, how do two parents decide who does what in the house, especially if ‘tag-teaming’ doesn’t come naturally to them?

Ammanda says: "Ask yourself – do [I] think, that, broadly speaking, the bit I'm doing is fair enough, in terms of quantity? Or am I thinking ‘actually how come this always falls to me?’"

"In healthy parenting relationships, you may have to do more than your partner or other parent, for all sorts of reasons. But hopefully, when you're under a lot of pressure, your partner or the other parent, will pick up the slack. It’s how you negotiate that give and take."

Communication when co-parenting or separated

For those parents who are separated, consistency in communication between two parents may be even more difficult. Ammanda tells us that you must always try to put your child’s welfare first and that “opportunities for dissing your partner when you separate are enormous. But do try and avoid that because it is unhelpful and quite damaging to children a lot of the time, as your child needs to be able to love both parents, and they may feel like you are dissing that parent within them.”

Most importantly, give a consistent message to your child.

"Children can spot a gap in consistency from a million miles away."

For instance, be clear and consistent about which parent your child is going to spend time with each weekend, or if both parents are to attend parents evening. Whilst arrangements like shared calendars are useful, good communication is the priority to avoid muddled plans, which can be confusing for the children involved.

Single parents who are unable to share their parenting responsibilities with another parent or family, often turn to social media. Whilst there are a lot of websites and accounts with genuinely useful parenting advice, Ammanda tells us that there can also be a disconnect between what parents see online and what they feel they can achieve in reality.

Support networks are vital for any parent and Parents’ Toolkit has explored the ways you can create a network for you and your child, alongside other wellbeing advice, such as managing loneliness as a single parent.

Relate also has an article on learning to co-parent.

Phases of parenting

As well as ‘tag teaming’, Gemma talks about parenting ‘phases’. For example, the sleepless nights when their daughter was teething, or the feeling of ‘having to have eyes all over your body’ when their daughter Mia, was learning to walk. Gemma advises parents to see their experiences as phases, ‘and know that you will come out of it the other end’.

Similarly, Ammanda stresses the importance of normalising mistakes; “Don't compare yourself to others because you're probably doing the very best that you can do in sometimes very fraught and difficult circumstances."

"Another important thing to instil in the child that you are doing your best, but you might make mistakes. And that’s a good message to give to your child, because you just have to learn from your mistakes and try not to do it again, rather than pursuing perfection all the time."

"Yet, we see it in a lot of parents that have grown up in a very competitive family, where you had to be perfect to get any sort of affection or acknowledgement, consequently, bringing that into their own parenting."

And if you are two parents in a relationship, Ammanda talks about the importance of recognising your partner’s parenting, throughout the joys and difficulties of the job, remaining kind to yourself and “taking time to congratulate how well you have done”.

For more on Gemma and Gorka's parenting story, head to Moodboosters to see how they manage to get ‘me time' and tire out their little one for bed!

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