How to talk to a child about terminal illness

It is likely one of the hardest conversations you could have with a child. Explaining to them someone they love has a terminal illness. The Ruth Strauss Foundation is a charity that aims to provide emotional support for families to prepare for the death of a parent.

Bitesize Parenting asked their Family Support Team to share frequently asked questions posed to them by parents - about how to talk to children about a diagnosis, such as secondary or incurable cancer, and the answers they would provide.

You might be worried or unsure about telling your children. You may feel overwhelmed, shocked or fearful, and instinctively want to protect them from feeling the same way.

According to the Family Support Team, children and young people say they want to know about their parents’ health and what changes this may bring for them. Young people told them that they want to be included in discussions and decision making and be given practical help. When children are prepared and informed about their parent’s diagnosis, it increases their resilience and means they can get the support they need.

There is often no right time for this first conversation. Children and young people are incredibly intuitive to changes in their environment and in tune with how the adults around them feel and behave. So, they may pick up that something is happening, notice you’re upset, overhear conversations or see messages and letters mentioning you or someone important to them is unwell.

If this is the case, it is a good idea to tell them. Some parents and caregivers tell their child(ren) as soon as they have the news, others wait until they have more information like results, or treatment plans.

This will be the beginning of many conversations with them about the illness and the future. How you tell them will depend on their age. It helps to take it slowly but a good place to start with children of any age is the facts. For example, you could explain what cancer is and where it is in the body. You could draw a picture of where the cancer is or show them where it is on a teddy bear.

Make sure to tell them they can’t catch it and nothing they did or said made it happen – these are common worries children have.

This will depend on your child(ren), but at any age it is better to give them information in small chunks. Give them time to think about it and make sure they know they can ask you or another adult any questions they have at any time. It also helps to check they understand what you have told them, leave it at least a day or two to give them time to process it.

It can help to start off by telling them together and adapt the words you use to the age of your youngest child. By telling them together they will know they both have the same information, and no one is left out. After the initial conversation, you may want to give more details to the older child. If you get new information that you think they both should know, you should try to tell them together again.

If you are a parent with incurable cancer or other incurable illness, there are further things to consider:

It is up to you how much information you tell them. Bear in mind that when you become unwell, it’s likely your children will be a little older and may handle the news differently to when you first told them about your diagnosis. They may overhear you talking to others or look up things on the internet about the cancer or illness. So, they might find out about the life expectancy of someone who has a particular diagnosis without you being there to guide and support them.

Keep to the information you have been given by the medical team, make sure you share realistic hope, and keep them updated with treatment plans. Hope is important for everyone to have, but does change over time and you might like to work together to find what you are able to hope for as your health changes too.

Realistic hope could look something like ‘we hope the treatment will help control the cancer so we can go on holiday this Easter, but we might have to stay closer to home over Summer as it might not work as well by then’.

Being open with them and assuring them that you will update them when there is any news or changes in your health will be important. If they are older, you could set up a family message group where you can quickly update them and they can ask questions if they have something on their mind.

Your child might be worried about things they don’t want to share with you in case it is upsets you. These can be questions that are surprising to us - do they have to move house, leave their school, will their friends like them now their parent has cancer, will they get to go on holiday this summer, and celebrate their birthday.

Reassure them that they can talk to you about anything at any time, and it is okay to feel worried or upset sometimes – as well as being happy and making plans.

Check with your child(ren) first about how they want their school, and friends, to know about your diagnosis, let them guide you and take it at their pace. Help them identify a teacher or other school professional who they trust and let them know what you will say to them.

Work together on a plan for support at school, this could include an understanding that they can move to a safe place in the classroom or another part of the school if they are anxious or worried, identifying a key person they can talk to. Some schools have access to play therapy and counselling. Encourage the school to continue to offer these supports even if your child says no, so they know they haven’t forgotten about them.

Schools are developing Bereavement Policies, check your child's school website or ask if they have one.

If you have a child who is at University, their university cannot disclose personal information to you about your child (18 and over) unless there's a legitimate reason for doing so. Check specific obligations with your child’s university. However, you could encourage them to let a trusted tutor know, or encourage them to access any support available. Universities can offer a variety of different support services such as support hubs, or counselling.

If you’re a parent or caregiver who has incurable cancer, or their partner or co-parent, and would like advice, guidance and support to talk to your child(ren) about your incurable cancer diagnosis please get in touch with the Family Support Team via their website.

They have free family resources available which can aid these conversations.

If you are affected by any of the information in this article you can find further help on bereavement and other assistance at BBC Action Line.

This article was published in December 2025