Why am I so lonely when I have 565 friends?
- Published
Today is World Friendship Day, but with eight in 10 under 34 year-olds identifying as 'always or often' lonely, external, we can’t help but question why people are struggling to find fulfilling friendships in 2018.
Stats say Britain is the loneliest country in the EU, external. In fact, loneliness is such a big issue that the government appointed Tracey Crouch as the country's first minister for loneliness earlier this year. The issue was also included in the Conservative, Labour, and UKIP election manifestos in 2017.
Why are Britain’s young people bearing the brunt of it?
“I don’t think my friends knew how lonely I was last year,” explains Stuart*, 26, from Bournemouth. Like many people his age, he has hundreds of 'friends' on social media: 565 to be precise. But he felt alone. “I’d broken up with my girlfriend and having evenings and weekends alone was daunting. Most of my friends were in relationships and, because I work from home, I lacked colleagues to talk to. I felt too embarrassed to explain how lonely I felt.”
Stuart’s experience is a common one. Julianne Marriott, from the Jo Cox Commission on Loneliness, says, “Breakups, moving home, being unemployed and the death of a loved one are all loneliness triggers. Jo herself talked about experiencing loneliness when she went to university. Even situations like becoming a new parent can affect us - any situation where social connections are challenged or severed.”
Jo herself talked about experiencing loneliness when she went to university.
And today, these are situations largely – and increasingly – faced by the young.
“The world young people live in is tough,” says the filmmaker Sue Bourne, who made a documentary called The Age of Loneliness. “There aren’t the opportunities there were, and being faced with a less hopeful future can make life harder.”
Other issues are at play, too, says Sue. “I don’t want to blame social media for everything, but it’s not rocket science to conclude it plays a role in loneliness amongst the younger generation.”
Isabel, 19 – Lonely at university
Several studies have actually shown, external that people who spend a lot of time on social media are generally lonelier than those who don’t.
Stuart says, “I think my friends saw the person I was on Facebook - an outgoing, jokey guy – not the person sat at home feeling low. It didn’t help that most of my friends seemed to be moving further away to pursue jobs or travel, something I’d constantly be reminded of online.”
“Constantly comparing ourselves to others online can contribute to low self-esteem and loneliness,” says Stephen Buckley of the mental health charity, Mind. “Especially as people tend to present themselves - from new jobs and relationships, to what we’ve had for dinner - in the best possible light.”
But, he thinks, “Used in the right way, social media can help people feel less isolated, particularly those who find it difficult making and maintaining relationships or leaving their homes.
"It allows people speak out about what they’re experiencing, and feel they’re not alone.”
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Last year, the Jo Cox Loneliness Commission launched their #HappytoChat badges - pins with the phrase were distributed across London, signalling the wearer is happy to talk to anyone feeling isolated. It was a small but important step, and the Commission aims to submit advice later this year on what the government, charities, businesses, society and individuals can do to help on a larger scale.
Experts rate loneliness to be as detrimental to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, external and lonely people even report more severe cold symptoms, external.
Research has also found that disconnected communities – where residents aren’t engaged with each other – could be costing the UK economy £32 billion every year, external.
Loneliness is particularly bad among men (of all ages) in Britain - so much so it’s being described as a 'silent epidemic', external.
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Figures suggest 1.5 million men will be living alone in England and Wales by 2030, with 11% already describing themselves as feeling lonely on a daily basis, external.
It doesn’t help that two-thirds of lonely people say they wouldn’t confess to it in public, external, with men being especially unlikely to confide in others.
Stuart says, “Anything that helps rid the stigma behind loneliness - especially in young people, where it’s not considered ‘normal’ - is great. But be vigilant too - just because somebody doesn’t seem lonely doesn’t mean they’re not.”
*name has been changed
Originally published 2 June 2017.
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